It was the summer of 1998.

The street was pitch black when cries of help filled the night with horrid screams. Of course, that baby crying was me. I was stuck in a tight, filthy space stuffed with unwanted valuables, spoiled food, and common waste. It reeked of a musty stench, so it truly was understandable how no one came for me. But unexpectedly, luck found me. A mysterious young lady opened the trashcan where a little old me was, and immediately picked me up.

"Sounds like she would make a great adoptee for an orphanage I'm working for."

After taking me home, the first thing she did was feed me milk, something I wasn't expecting a common stranger to do. It was until then when I realized she was a nurse. She introduced herself by the name of Hellen.

I know this, because Nurse Hellen told me all this.

Not only did she pick me up, but she also clothed me, bathed me, and cared for me when no one else did. I owed her my life….or so I thought…

I was taken into a world famous orphanage once known as Hospicio De Guadalajara, which was located in Western Mexico. I loved my stay in that place. The community welcomed me. It was truly nice to be loved. I was even given a name. You already know me by Julia….which meant "youthful" by definition.

However, I felt some uneasiness as soon as Nurse Hellen told me the truth behind my birth. I had no birthday, no special day to mark the day I started to exist in this world. Of course, I grew resentful towards no one in particular. This darkness that resided within my heart stemmed from extreme anger towards my biological parents—people I have never met throughout my twenty-two years of living. I grew jealous of children outside the orphanage who would so often hold hands and cuddle their parents publicly. I wish I had such company, even though it wasn't my fate at all.

But I feigned pride the whole time, because the orphanage loved me. Each and every nurse who cared for me until I was five years old has become my new family. I was well-liked and trusted by many kids. I made friends very easily. However…..things did change. My ego has gotten the best of me.

I enjoyed bullying the newer orphans.

Not physically, but psychologically. It wasn't so obvious that I, in fact, picked on them. It was fun, really. It started out when I made friends with a girl named Eva…..who was kicked out of her parents' apartment. We were friends for quite a while, but I can observe the tears she shed as I intimately whispered straight into her ear..."No wonder your parents left you."

It was their souls. Their souls were what I was after. I can imagine the curve of her eyes as they formed a downturned shape, her body stiff and tense, trembling, as she slipped into a trance. She was unresponsive…..didn't budge from her seat. I loved that. I loved shattering every piece of her spirit. She finally broke down and cried, telling me she would never forgive me. Of course, it was just a joke, I told her. I took back what I said and told her she just needed to discipline herself more so that her parents wouldn't leave her on the streets.

She did take my advice, and became the most obedient child in the orphanage. Followed every single one of the nurses' demands, her seemingly walking on eggshells as to not make a single mistake that would disappoint the caretakers. It was silly, really. I often wonder if that was a response to trauma.

On my way back to relax in the playground one sunny day, I saw Eva through the windows of the counseling office…....weeping loudly. I'm pretty sure I was the cause of her trauma, and it all started with one sentence I told her. I approached her one day and apologized again, yet she still couldn't be bothered to forgive me. That day, I started to distance myself from her even more, but continued to stalk her.

Pardon me, for I was only a five year old. But I couldn't help but grow my interest towards Eva more. I stalked and followed her around the orphanage, taking careful notes of the time she goes to sleep and when she wakes up. Yes, I was that invested. I was a sick child, getting off at the thought of knowing there were very few people who knew my truest colors. I think it adds a nice touch of mystery towards my character. Only a very few knew about the true Julia, and Eva was one of them.

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?"

Oh, shit. She spotted me. I had no other choice.

"Well….I just wanted to apologize again for what I've done."

"No. You snuck up on my bedroom last night, didn't you?"

That's it. I was done for. I immediately confessed to her that I had feelings. But we were too young. Far too young.

"But Eva, we're just kids! Surely you would excuse my actions for a bit! I'm sure I'll change in the future, I promise!"

"Don't give me that look! I knew you were sniffing my clothes in the closet while I was gone! What are you, some sort of pervert? Yeah, we're just kids! Get over it! We were never together and never will be!"

These were memories of my childhood I kept locked away in my mind. She wasn't the first orphan I picked on psychologically. There were two, three, four, at least five to six orphans that I picked on. Not so many, right?

Anyways, let's change the subject. I was too young to know about love. All I knew was that out of all the victims I managed to affect in the orphanage, Eva remained within my focus. She was beautiful, her ebony black hair flowing downward as it reached the floor with great ease. Her eyes were not as innocent as the time we first met, but she was indeed stunning. They were usually round and upturned, yet modified shapes whenever she felt lonely and upset. I knew this, because I was an expert at reading people's emotions.

I wanted to approach her one more time, but things didn't go as expected. Why? Because Hospicio De Guadalajara was set up to shut down due to a lack of funds. I considered it an opportunity to say goodbye to my past. Yes, I was loved within the community, but it was for the better. I wanted to quit bullying others for the sake of protecting my image, and start a new life. That is, if anyone chooses to adopt me.

We were scheduled to be put up for adoption once the orphanage's services came to an end. All our pictures were kept in safes, which were to be delivered straight to the houses of our adoptive parents should they purchase us. I was all, all alone. Until I saw Eva approach me from afar.

"Hey."

"Hey, Eva."

"About last week, I just wanted to apologize for snapping at you that night. I couldn't help but cry every night due to the things you've said to me, but it's all over now. This is goodbye…."

"It's okay, Eva. It's okay. I wasn't in the right mind to treat you that way. I guess my ego got the best of me...I promise to never hurt you again."

"Thank you for everything."

"Once again, I am sorry for everything I've said to you."

I apologized very sincerely. That's why I phrased my "I loved bullying others" line as a past tense. I just wanted to be real with my feelings for once. Besides, I have taken countless sessions of therapy since my younger years to fix my darkest emotions which caused me to lash out and hurt other people's feelings. All I wanted was to start a new chapter of my life, waiting for someone to adopt me.

"May you be smiled upon.", were the last words I heard from Eva.

I sobbed as we all parted ways, and hugged my friends while having said our goodbyes.

It was about to be a long journey ahead of me.

I tried approaching Nurse Hellen, the one woman who saved me, only to overhear a conversation between her and the child counselor.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Julia…..Julia has changed. Julia has become a monster."

"She indeed has changed. But such is normal for a young child. We shall see to it that she learns from this experience and that she grows up to be a better person."

"I shouldn't have picked her up when I saw her that night….in the summer of 1998. She grew up to be…..quite the peculiar child. Always going around picking on other orphans…"

"Ah, yes. That's what Eva, the loner child, has told me. Said Julia was a manipulative, selfish little brat. You sure wouldn't believe that, would you?"

"I wouldn't, but. I have chosen to pick a side. I wanted to find an opportunity to expel her from the orphanage, and then I realized we lacked funds. So I sighed in relief, ready to let her go for all I cared….."

"I see. But don't you think it's a bit too early to do so? She's just a kid….surely she wouldn't be the exact same person she is as she grows into a young adult, right?"

Those words etched deep into my soul. I couldn't fathom the fact that it was my personal caretaker who'd abandon me. I couldn't forgive her. I cried all alone in one corner until I ran out of tears to pour. No one was around. No one helped. Again, I was just a kid…..I never realized I acted that way until I grew up to be 22 as of now.

Yes, I did enjoy bullying, but I was far too young. I never truly wanted to hurt others anymore. That being said, I ran away….far and far from the orphanage. I didn't wait until everyone else would part ways and be transferred to an adoption agency. All I wanted was to get my revenge on nurse Hellen. All this time, she was pretending to care…..and it hurt me so bad. So bad that I escaped.

I never wanted to be seen again. I felt guilt for everything I've done. All I wanted was to be alone….in the streets, as it was the only place to be there for me.