After about 2 branches (math makes my brain hurt, just remember 1 branch is the same as 2 hours for us normal people), the rock finally came to a rest on the mountain. Unfortunately, it took another couple branches for our hero to realize it stopped moving. After an indefinite amount of time spent alternating between sobbing and laughing hysterically. The pebble came to a realization, multiple times. “I…I’m alive,” it said. Rather, because it has no mouth or vocal cords, it thought this. “I’m alive! I can think! I can move!” (It can’t.) In its excitement, it began thinking as we all do.
The novel idea of being able to process things and dream was a pleasure for the pebble and it quickly decided something. With its new-found wisdom, our protagonist decided that it is not a female. It decided it is not male. It decided that it is…a simple rock. As such, it has no need for the genders of mortals, for it is nearly immortal. Saying that this small stone came to a realization quickly is a bit of an overstatement, however. When dealing with immortality, “quick” and “speed” are all relative, meaning that even this decision took days to come to. In that time, though, it started becoming bored and did what every modern teenager, child and adults-from-after-certain-decades does: play a video game. Without the concept of a video game, it decided to imagine a system of its’ own and since I am not it, I don’t know what it came up with. I don’t know everything after all.
It was around this time that our friend “leveled up” as it was called, and still is to this day. The first level came when it realized it had been given the gift of life. The second came after choosing a gender, or not because it’s still just a stone. Finally, being the creator of this super-secret and ultra-rare system, it gave itself a level for doing that. It is at this point that I feel the need to remind everyone that we are talking about a rock with absolutely ZERO sense of time. Meaning that while these “levels” came quickly, it’s just like we discovered before: when you live forever, one does not consider the passage of time. And so time did as it is wont to do and continued marching forwards. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months to years.
As time went on, something incredible started to happen. This incredible, nearly indescribable thing was that the rock began to grow. It may not seem that great to you or me, but we have grown all our lives. This pebble, however, had not known about growth and change until long after they had taken place. Once it finally noticed these changes it gave itself another level because why not. It also looked out upon the world and noticed all the other changes that had taken place.
It saw the plants growing in the forests and plains. It saw the animals eating, running and doing other things that animals do. While it was watching, it also noticed that every plant animal and person that had come into existence was surrounded by others of its own kind. Sometimes, it even saw new humans and animals coming into this world. It began to realize how alone it was on top of this mountain.
Our little friend decided then and there, which still took about a week to do, that it was going to change. The first change, it decided, was to give itself a class. Not knowing or caring what the word “philosopher” was, it decided on the class [Great Thinker]. It is pretty great at thinking, after all. Next, it decided that it didn’t want to be lonely anymore. So it put on its mix tape consisting of <I Don’t Want to be Lonely> by Az Yet, <I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing> by Aerosmith, <Careless Whisper> because Wham! (it’s how they got their exclamation mark), and just because I can, I secretly Rick Rolled the rock by putting Rick Astley’s <Never Gonna Give You Up> between every track. Oddly enough, it enjoyed the addition and gave itself another arbitrary level. At the same time it decided that R&B is more of its thing than rock-n-roll, go figure. Also between us, if anyone can figure out how this stone knew about any of these songs, please let me know. I’m confused, but just rolling with it.
The last thing that happened took a little more time. During that time, our Great Thinker did exactly that. It looked out over what was now called “The Middle Kingdom” and looked for the perfect companion to join it on the mountain top. And so, it watched. It observed everything in existence until it finally saw a mark of intelligence. It was not the use of tools, however. It was much more basic than that. This level of intelligence could never be surpassed, beguiled the boulder, for it had continued growing. What was this profound thing, you ask? Why, it was a playful monkey throwing poo. It decided that a creature such as that would make for an enjoyable companion for the rest of eternity. But there was a new problem: how does one create life?
Because the stone had learned much, it also learned how to procreate and put new life within itself. This simple act, I was later told, inadvertently changed the gender marker from [X] to [F]. She pondered this, and decided it was a good thing and that she could always change it later, thus giving birth to the terms non-binary and gender fluid. There were many more things that came about as a result of this, which added to the knowledge gained by our [Great Thinker].
“Great” was indeed the correct word for our fine female friend, for it was this gathering knowledge that allowed it to grow and develop. Without realizing it, she had gone from taking ages to process simple thoughts to processing those thoughts in less than half a branch. (At least our tree doesn’t need to be maintained. Take that, Odin!) With faster thinking came the greatest curse to ever befall anyone: greater boredom.
