Time continues to pass our mighty marble by, and mighty he has become. From a speck of sand, he has now become a monster of a (M) schist standing at 36 feet tall and 26 feet around. He knew something was going to happen soon but he couldn’t be sure what. It’s not like he could sample his own core to learn more about himself, so he just waited for whatever it is to happen. It seems that, like many a man, he has forgotten something important and decided it isn’t worth trying to remember.

Sadly, this forgetful flint would remember it soon enough because of what came after. Even after all the changes that have happened, more are still coming. Month after month, year after year, our beautiful basalt grows by fractions of a centimeter. All the while, it keeps watching and waiting. However, he’s no longer looking at the ground. No, he became bored with the antics of the short-lived mortals of Earth and turned his gaze, such as it is without eyeballs, towards the heavens. It was there that he saw that which he desired most: the Palace of the Jade Emperor. Don’t forget that our dumb diorite has only viewed one other immortal being to this point in its long life, therefore leading it to believe that all deathless beings must also be rocks. That leads it to believing that the Jade Emperor he’s only just heard about 10 seconds ago is actually made of Jade. The Jade Emperor, for his part, only laughs at how ridiculous that sounds and continues to watch with interest (even the gods get bored, you know).

And so, the vexing variolite, the quizzical quartzite decides that he is now a god himself, falsely thinking that he can never die. He is however, on top of the world in a literal sense. The clever claystone begins to think like the [Sage] that he is, imparting one final gift upon the being inside. That final gift is the gift of knowledge and intelligence, ensuring that the monkey will not be like his brethren of the past. This monkey will be unique in that he will be capable of many feats and travel to new lands learning more and growing wiser as he does so. 

After a few centuries and standing at 36 feet 3 inches tall, the wannabe-godling gabbro begins to shake with excitement. Or is it indigestion? Wait, when did he last eat? As he ponders these useless-to-a-rock questions, mortals and gods alike begin to feel this energy in the air. Everyone is wary, but they know something will happen soon, so they watch and wait. Finally, an exciting event takes place. Its such an amazing thing that the keystone kimberlite of this story shifts his attention back to the mortal world once more.

It is there that he witnesses a birth unlike any he has ever seen in his millenia of observing the world and its denizens. It was the birth of the Great Yu, better known as Da Yu. It was unlike any other in that he was not born from his mother’s womb, or any other part of his mother for that matter.  He instead came from his father’s headless body. You see, his father Gun (pronounced “Goo-en”) had recently been executed. For what, the rock didn’t know; neither did The Rock, who is also here for some inexplicable reason, know why this man was killed. What was strange was that his clearly lifeless body began to move of its own accord. Shaking and moving, rolling and rocking, the executioner took his axe and cautiously cut open Gun’s body. The cause of the motion became apparent soon enough as from the corpse came a child. The child Yu grew quickly, for he was a demi-god, becoming a Sage-king who would found a dynasty in the middle kingdom. Only one word came to the stone’s mind upon seeing that happen: “Cool”.

Upon bearing witness, the woolite grew another inch taller. The mortal realm could no longer sense that magical energy because they are limited in their perceptions. Blissfully unaware were they that the event everyone had been anticipating had yet to happen. Still more and more divine beings began to keep their eyes on this unassuming anthracite on the top of an inconspicuous mountain. They did so because they DO have eyeballs with which to see and because they could still feel the energy building to an even greater crescendo.

So, without any delay, the bauxite behemoth continued growing ever bigger. At 36 feet 4.25 inches, the foidolite felt like it could touch the sky. At 36 feet 4.5 inches this hunk of hornblende thought it was above the clouds. Attaining an unimaginable 36 feet 4.75 inches he believed he could finally reach the palace of the Jade Emperor. Of course, none of this is even remotely possible as he doesn’t have hands to touch or arms to extend. That, and the fact that all of these places were still miles above the highest point that the rock was standing at.

Finally, the piece of pegmatite pondered its own past. At 36 feet and 4.8 inches, the reticent rhyolite recalled the times before it had given itself a gender. At 36 feet and 4.85 inches, he remembered all the time he spent watching monkeys throw feces. At 36 feet 4.9 inches, he recollected becoming female and desiring a companion. It was at this time that he suddenly remembered he is, in fact, pregnant. Suddenly the enigmatic evaporite that the heavens were watching became anxious as the andesite understood that it would soon give birth to new life.

It then came to the time spent as a [male] as it grew to 36 feet and 4.95 inches. Looking back at the centuries caused the serpentinite to believe itself the silliest being in existence. Reaching a height of 36 feet 4.97 inches, it decided that it does not need a gender, for it is but a simple rock. At 4.98 inches it realized that it was no longer a [Great Sage], but had become a [Buddha] and attained its own enlightenment. At 4.99 inches, it felt a peace so strong that it could accept whatever happened next.

With cracks beginning to form, the blue lias [Bhudda] knew that an extraordinary event would soon take place as the world itself was shaking with anticipation.  With a sound to rival the loudest earth-shattering sound ever recorded, the rock broke at 36 feet and 5 inches. From deep within itself, it felt this new being stir. The creature began tearing the tonalite tower to pieces on its path to freedom. As consciousness began to leave the chalk, it had a final thought. After all this time and everything it has seen, it was glad to actually have accomplished something that few ever do. It knew that even while the being was breaking it down, its status as a [Buddha] allowed it to escape the cycle of rebirth. It would never again have to know the evil that is boredom. And so, with it’s final flickerings of life, the last crack was in the form of a smile. Once all thought had ceased in the stone, it exploded into 7 pieces. Each piece flew to a corner of the world, turning into a crystalline sphere along the way. Thus, the story of our obsidian observer ends, but the tale of Sun Wukong (or Son Goku, as some have called him) has only just begun. I wonder what this son of slate, Goku, will discover in his journey to the west. Will he find the pieces now called dragonballs? Will he gain new companions or will he be trapped under a mountain forever? Find out next time on…