ERIN SWANN

 

‘Out of everything you could of said, Chris being used as a decoy so the American’s can have leverage over us was not on the list, it wasn’t even in the fucking notebook.’ Owen said, his mouth still agape, like it had been for the last three minutes.

            ‘It’s safe to say that Erin will be ground bound for the foreseeable future.’ Jack ordered. ‘And until I can confirm with the President and get this shut down I think it’s best to call off the wedding Erin.’

            ‘Yeah, sure whatever.’ I agreed blindly, sitting at my desk and biting the skin on the inside of my cheek.

            I clenched it as hard as I could then ripped it off, swallowing it.

            ‘Erin I know that this won’t be easy for you.’ Jack said, his voice a little softer.

            ‘I just said I’d call off the wedding.’ I said pointedly. ‘Wedding’s off.’

            I grabbed for the ring on my finger and tossed it carelessly on the desk. I wanted to grab the picture of us and smash it against the weapon store but Ianto had went to all the trouble of getting a new frame, so I resisted.

            This was a fucking nightmare.

            Chris – if he had any sense he’d run for the fucking hills and never looking back. I knew he was smart, he was the most intelligent guy I knew besides Toshiko. Where the hell was she?

            ‘Jack I was the first to say this wedding was a bad idea but…’ Owen trailed off and I could feel his eyes on me.

            I knew the rest of the team were looking at one another, I knew they’d be looking to Jack like “Come on, we’ve gotta do something look at the miserable sod!” I mean, that’s what I presumed anyway.

            ‘I’m sorry Erin but I can’t change-’

            ‘I’ve already called off the wedding what do you want me to do move out of my home in the space of twenty minutes?’ I shouted at him. ‘I don’t care about the fucking rules but I’m going along with them anyway because it’s my job even though I don’t fucking care! He was going to be my husband, I love him but apparently there’s not even an exception for that especially with all the shit going on!’

            ‘Erin why don’t we go for a walk?’ Ianto said, approaching me.

            ‘If I go for a walk I’ll hit someone.’ I said honestly.

            The large whir of the cog door sounded and a skittish yet breathless Tosh ran in.

            ‘I went straight to police station, what happened?’ She asked.

            Oh yeah now she turns up, I thought, just when I needed someone to have my back where were you? Oh come on Erin that’s not fair.

            ‘I got arrested and have been used by the CIA.’ I said simply.

            ‘What?’ Tosh exclaimed.

            ‘I’ll let Jack fill you in, come on Ianto let’s go for a walk.’ I snatched my jacket from the back of my chair, making sure to leave my phone behind and headed straight out.

 

***

 

I meekly walked back up to my house, the front door for the first time in its life appearing foreboding to me. Only one light was on, the bedroom light. Only Chris’ car was parked in the drive and there were fresh tire tracks on the gravel; the one time the Halliwell’s left us alone and it was only because our marriage might be ending.

            Marriage? What marriage I hadn’t even walked down the isle yet and I wouldn’t.

            When I’d gotten back from the walk with Ianto, Jack had given me the score and it wasn’t good. It was fucking horrible.  

            I crept in the front door, closing the door behind me but kept my bag close as I headed up the stairs, not bothering to turn any lights on, on my way. When I reached the bedroom I made sure to knock before opening the door.

            Chris was sitting on the bed still wearing his clothes from earlier, which were still marked with his blood. He was looking through old photo’s of us that had been laid out neatly on the bed, a small smile gracing his lips.

            ‘I’m glad you came home to me.’ He said, turning to me.

            ‘I had to.’ I replied, already having to push back the tears.

            ‘The family have went to a hotel for the night, Wyatt’s with them.’

            ‘Okay.’ I nodded, gently sitting my bag down at the edge of the bed, peering over the photos – we looked so happy.

            ‘What did your boss say?’ Chris asked. ‘About Retcon?’

            Holding back a sob I reached into my bag and pulled out a small glass jar of Retcon pills, one for each of them.

            ‘So that’s a no on remembering then.’ He joked laughing a little.

            ‘There not just to make you forget about today though they uh…the type of pill that this is Chris, it’s selective amnesia meaning we can-’ I stopped, completely unable to get the words out. ‘We can uh erase entire people from others minds.’

            ‘What are you talking about?’

            ‘Chris you’re not going to remember me.’ I sobbed. ‘The drug has been designed to erase any trace of me-’

            ‘No.’

            ‘From your memory, from your family-’

            ‘No Erin, no.’

            ‘Pictures of us will be buried in the archives, any texts or bills with my name on it will be erased and-’

            ‘No.’ Chris said firmly grabbing for my hands. ‘No, no way is this happening.’

            ‘The CIA have manufactured our entire relationship, they know everything about you and if I leave they won’t touch you, they’ll forget they ever had an operation about me, they’ll forget about you and you’ll be safe.’

            ‘Well then let them take the pills, let them forget.’

            ‘But there are triggers Chris, something can trigger Wyatt’s memory and then he’ll trigger theirs and we are back to square one.’

            ‘Okay hypothetically if I let you do this-’

            ‘You don’t need to let me do this it’s not up for discussion.’

            ‘Don’t you dare say that.’ Chris said, his voice lower than I’d ever heard before. ‘I get a say because taking that pill may as well be killing you.’

            ‘No it wouldn’t.’

            ‘It would to me.’ He stated. ‘I may not remember Erin but that pill whatever it is isn’t full proof, I bet I’d feel sad and not even know why.’

            ‘But you’d be safe.’

            ‘And what about you?’ He asked.

            ‘I’d change my name again, get my own place and keep working for Torchwood.’ I told him. ‘I’d stay here and you’d-’

            ‘Go back to the states-’

            ‘And I’d never see you again.’ I finished. ‘But you’d be safe.’

            ‘And you’d be in danger.’

            ‘I’ve always been in danger, I just clearly never understood how much.’

            ‘Well I’m sorry but that’s not going to work for me.’ Chris said, pushing himself off the bed. ‘None of this plan will work because I’m not doing it, I’m not going to take that-’

            ‘If I don’t give it to you then someone else will.’

            ‘I’m not taking this lying down.’ Chris said. ‘We’ve had all our lives planned for this, we’re getting married next month.’

            ‘No we’re not.’ I looked up to him. ‘You’ll not even remember my name tomorrow morning Chris, all of my stuff is going to be moved out and uh…it’ll be taken care of and you’ll be safe.’

            ‘See that’s how I know you don’t want to do this as badly as me.’ Chris said. ‘You’re circling, you’re giving me all the positives because you feel the same, tell me you feel the same as me.’

            ‘Of course I fucking do!’ I screamed. ‘You were one of the best things that ever happened to me but now I know it was all a fucking lie! You would never have looked twice at me if you hadn’t bumped into me that day, our whole lives would be so fucking different and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you…’

            The tears fell hot and fast as I rambled, my hands pressing the tears away as I cried. This wasn’t fair, why didn’t I get to be with the man I loved? Why did there always have to be strings attached. If it wasn’t for the Doctor then none of this would of happened! I’m a good person, I’ve always tried to be a good person! I always make sure to hold the door if someone’s there and I taught children for five years, I made sure to get good grades and make my dad proud and I joined an institution for the betterment of the British empire.

            Why couldn’t I have a happy ending, why couldn’t I marry Chris? I loved him…why couldn’t that be enough? Why is it never enough? Was it something I did? Was this because I’d kissed Lizzy? Was this because I threw up? Was this because of all the lies I’d told?

            F U C K

            ‘Then we’ll just say I took them, we’ll lie and say I took the stupid things.’ Chris said, quickly kneeling besides me. ‘Give the Retcon to Wyatt and whoever it is in the US, then we’ll lie and say I don’t remember.’

            ‘Chris-’

            He took my hands kissing them gently.

            ‘I’m not losing you, not to the CIA, not to Torchwood and you know why? Because I love you.’ He said. ‘I love you and I will not lose you.’

            ‘Could that work?’ I asked.

            He sighed, a small smile now on his lips.

            ‘I’ll make it work.’ He said. ‘Is there a way to re-programme the drug? To make him just forget about today and the whole operation?’

            I nodded.

            ‘If it’s just for one person I can get Tosh to set something up for his computer screen or make him take a phone call that talks him through what he’ll forget after he takes it but-’

            ‘What?’

            ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ I dared to think.

            ‘You’ve been forced to lie for Torchwood for long enough baby,’ He said. ‘Now it’s time to lie to them.’

            I took in a breath, looking down to the ring on my finger and sliding it off, placing it in his hand and squeezing tight.

            ‘Okay, then I’m going to tell you everything from the beginning; the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’

            Then I told him everything, I told him about the Doctor and how Chris had actually met him that day in the hospital. I told him I’d been a time traveller and that’s why none of the dates in my life made sense. I told him about Rose, Jackie, Mickey and Pete and how they’d been my family growing up and then I told him about the day I lost them all. I explained the entire battle of Canary Wharf to him in detail, showing him some footage on my laptop from the archives.

            I told him everything and yet, he stayed.

            Chris didn’t say anything for the first seconds after I’d finished what must have at least been an hour of talking.

            ‘So that submarine holiday my mom won was actually you?’

            ‘I knew that the Cybermen would attack and I knew I had to keep you and your family safe so I made sure you were out of the way.’

            ‘All of this time you’ve been keeping that to yourself?’ He asked, not as an accusation though, his voice was much too soft for that. ‘The nightmares you have are about Canary Wharf, aren’t they?’

            ‘Sometimes,’ I nodded. ‘That night where you showed up at the water tower, there was a Cyberman inside and I knew I couldn’t let you in because I’d had that dream before and if that machine had of gotten a hold of you I don’t know what I would of done…that night when I slept all I dreamt about was you and those things and it scared me to death. How one lone Cyberman survived and then I thought but what if there’s another?’

            Chris slowly took me into his arms, leaning against the soft pillows of the bed.

            ‘Whatever those things were they’re gone now.’ He told me. ‘It’s just you and me here baby, it’s just me.’

            ‘In the countryside with those cannibals I thought…I thought this is my job, I’m told to investigate the strange and unusual but now I’m going to die in the middle of nowhere and you’d never know where I went.’ I admitted. ‘When he grabbed me I thought he was going to rape me and kill me, he’d rape me and then skin my alive and I couldn’t do a single thing about it – then one day they’d find my body and I’d appear on the news and you’d finally see my name and-’

            ‘Erin look at me,’ Chris said. ‘You’re safe here with me okay, you’re safe and I’ll never let anything like that happen to you, you’re not going to be another missing person on the news.’

            ‘Maybe not, Torchwood’s classified, no one would even be told what happened except the team – fuck I shouldn’t of told you all of this.’ I pushed away from him but Chris’ grip around me didn’t budge.

            ‘Yes you should of.’ He countered. ‘You can’t deal with this all on your own.’

            ‘That’s my job.’

            ‘We may not be getting married anymore but listen to me your burdens are mine to bear with you.’

            ‘But that’s not fair on you.’

            ‘Tough shit – that’s love.’

            I laughed as he slid the ring back on my finger, admiring it.

            ‘You’re the best man in the whole world, you know that right?’ I asked. ‘Because any normal person would of left.’

            ‘Yeah well I’m not normal and I don’t want to be; to love you is my normal and it’s the air that I breathe and I won’t do it without you.’

            He wouldn’t do it without me, he wouldn’t do it without me.

 

***

 

To say everyone was walking on egg shells around me was the understatement of the year, I hadn’t exactly been quiet about the plan Jack had set in motion. Of course however, I went along with my own plan. I’d told the team and Jack that I’d cleared out all my stuff with the help of Mike in the night and now I was living at a safehouse designated by UNIT, that every morning a car picked me up and took me to work.

            Jack almost looked surprised, like he hadn’t expected me to actually follow through with it. Of course I didn’t, Chris had told me he was taking the day off of work to speak to his family. Tell them to stay until tomorrow night as planned and then go home, that he’d give Wyatt the amnesia pill himself and text me before he did it. Then I’d call Mike and make sure that his contacts in the states did the same to his boss and anyone else that knew about the operation. One thing that wasn’t clear however, was how we were going to erase all the digital data from the CIA, since our resident techie had apparently went walk-abouts.

            When Jack told me he’d been suspicious of Toshiko for a few days now I said he was talking out his arse, since if there was anyone that couldn’t pull off being a traitor or suspicious was Tosh. Then however, he told me what the large stapler was that we’d found; turns out it wasn’t a stapler but a transport pod. And that Toshiko had also stopped a man from killing his ex-wife and son because he’d been muttering how to go about it randomly on the street. One type of woman I never took Tosh for was a vigilante. That’s why as I stood silent around the corner from the weapon’s store as I heard some random woman’s  voice caress Tosh’s ears, then listened further as Jack joined into the conversation.

            The woman had called Tosh lover, now I didn’t even know Tosh was into girls but I was not about to stand by and let her fist experience with a woman taint her forever, if it was just some bug eyed freak using her to get home.

            I pressed the button on my phone and the large cog door whirred shut, sealing us in. The rest of the team walking out from their hiding places to surround this so called Mary.

            ‘Then another came, a soldier, he tried to shoot me.’ She said. ‘So I plunged my new human hand into his chest and plucked out his heart.’

            ‘And that’s what you’ve been doing ever since.’ Owen said.

            ‘This form needs to be fed.’ Mary smirked.

            ‘All the puntures were all about the size of a fist, my God,’ Owen winced. ‘All those people – you killed all those people.’

            ‘I fled before any more soldiers came, I had so much to explore and how I loved this body; so soft, so wicked, the power such a body has in this world. Within a few years the forest had gone, transporter safely buried under the spread of the city, I didn’t care since I wasn’t exactly in a hurry to get home.’

            ‘So you’ve been killing ever since.’ I said, my hand hovering over the gun holstered to my thigh.

            ‘I knew there might come a time when my situation here became complicated.’ Mary shrugged. ‘But I was safe, as long as I knew where the transporter was.’

            It was then that I saw Tosh clip something around her neck, I didn’t turn to look at her but I could see out of the side of my eye. It was small and grey, like metal. Wasn’t she wearing that the other day when she came in? When she was talking about that article she found?

            ‘And then the machine was uncovered?’ Jack asked with a victorious smile on his face.

            ‘As soon as the air touched its surface I could feel it but I knew I had to get it back from you so I found my Toshiko, oh my beautiful Toshiko.’

            ‘Owen no!’ Tosh cried out and in one blur of blue Mary had grabbed Tosh, now holding a dagger at her neck.

            ‘No!’ I shouted, whipping out my gun and pointing it at Mary but as she pressed Tosh against her, I knew I didn’t have a clear shot.

            I could clip Tosh in the head, I wasn’t that good a shot unless I was aiming for the chest. I knew I should of fucking practised.

            ‘Let her go Mary!’ Jack ordered but Mary didn’t.

            ‘Toshiko tell them to give me the transporter.’ Mary demanded.

            ‘I can’t Mary.’ Tosh cried.

            Fuck what do we do, I could shoot Mary in her shoulder but would she slice Tosh’s throat first? She could move faster than I could see so could she anticipate what I’d do next?

            ‘You!’ Mary nodded to Owen. ‘How’s this, I’ll exchange Toshiko for that one?’

            Fuck she wanted Gwen now?

            So much for lover you cunt.

            ‘Just put the knife down.’ Owen said, trying to bargain with her.

            ‘Did you hear him?’ Mary cooed at Toshiko. ‘He didn’t want you, did he?’

            Could she hear Owen’s thoughts? Super speed and mind reading – what else could this woman fucking do?

            ‘Please don’t.’ Tosh begged.

            ‘That’s what they think of you.’ Mary carried on. ‘That’s who you’ve been working with all these years.’

            ‘It’s not true Tosh, don’t listen.’ Owen tried.

            ‘But not me, whatever I’ve done it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.’ Mary said. ‘We have a connection Toshiko, something real.’

            ‘Oh now that’s just bollocks.’ I said finally and Mary’s head snapped up.

            ‘Put the gun down or I slit her throat.’ Mary demanded.

            I nodded carelessly tossing the gun to the floor.

            ‘See that’s what I don’t get,’ I mused. ‘If you have such a connection you wouldn’t want to slit her throat but to me it just seems that you’re using her to get what you want.’

            ‘Plans change.’ Mary said.

            I would of listened to the ramble villain tangent she went on but I was too busy watching Jack and Tosh, even though the tears were streaming down her face by the look on the pair of them, it was as if they were communicating. Could they hear each other’s thoughts? Had Toshiko been able to read mine?

            ‘Okay you want to the transporter, we want Toshiko so give me the knife and I’ll give you the transporter myself.’ Jack bargained.

            Was he seriously going to let Mary go? Not after this, she had a knife to Tosh’s fucking throat I was ready to slap the bitch. I’ll promote myself from receptionist to interrogator with a licence to torture.

            In one rugged push Mary sent Tosh straight into me who I grabbed with open arms.

            ‘I’ve got you, it’s alright I’ve got you.’ I said, holding her as tight as I could all the while backing away from psycho Mary.

            Jack slowly handed the rusted transporter over to Mary their conversation unheard by us but I didn’t care, I was too busy looking at Tosh’s neck. If the bitch had cut her I was going to cut her head off.

            CLANK.

            WHOOSH

            ‘What’s happening?’ Mary asked, her arms tugging from the transporter but apparently, looked a little stuck.

            Of course Jack had a backup plan.

            ‘Oh that?’ Jack asked. ‘I re-programmed it for you, it’s set to enable.’

            Bright white beams of light shot out from the transporter, consuming Mary and then in one pillar of energy shot up through the roof and presumably into space.

            ‘Sort of now.’ Jack smiled, his hands proudly on his hips.

            ‘What did she…?’ Tosh asked, stumbling down the grate. ‘Has she gone home?’

            ‘I reset the co-ordinates.’ Jack said.

            ‘Where to?’

            ‘To the centre of the sun it shouldn’t be hot I mean, we sent her there at night and everything.’

            ‘So you killed her?’

            ‘Yes.’ Jack snapped his head back firmly.

            ‘Enough.’ I stepped in. ‘Enough now.’

            Jack shook his head, marching back towards his office but the rest of the team stood still, almost waiting for anyone else to speak.

            ‘Tosh let’s go upstairs.’ Ianto said kindly, taking her arm from me and leading her upstairs, leaving Gwen, Owen and me standing there like the three idiots.

            ‘So she can read minds?’ Owen asked as the meeting room door shut upstairs.

            ‘I don’t know.’ Gwen huffed.

            ‘I think it might have been that necklace,’ I said. ‘I noticed it the other day but just thought it was one of her things, wearable teach or whatever.’

            ‘Great, yet another thing to look into.’ Owen muttered.

            ‘I’m sorry who the hell does the looking into around here?’ I asked, turning to him pointedly. ‘Toshiko is fucking heartbroken and all you care about is how much work it’s gonna make you do.’

            ‘All you do is fucking defend her,’ Owen said. ‘It’s creepy what she did, she listened in on our private thoughts Erin and you’re still defending her.’

            ‘Maybe because no one else apart from Ianto does.’ I said promptly. ‘Jack storms away, you blame her when you forget the fact that she thought she was in love and someone loved her.’

            ‘Being in love happens.’ Owen dismissed.

            ‘Not for girls like Toshiko, she waits for the right man to come along and then when he does she’s affectionate, she’s sweet and she’s kind, she doesn’t do anything to make him angry and when they kiss she remembers the exact date, time and place.’ I said. ‘Love to her isn’t just something you get when you sleep with someone, she found someone she really liked and when she did she threw her whole heart into it, then you go and play the arsehole-’

            ‘Hold up are you blaming this on me?’

            ‘No!’ I exclaimed. ‘But get your head out of your arse Harper and see more than your cock and maybe, just maybe you’ll see how much she cares about you and then you’ll see how much you care about her, sure maybe you don’t feel the same way romantically and that is fine, that is your choice but maybe show a little compassion once in a while since the woman’s heart is breaking up there.’

            I turned away from the pair and headed back to my desk, already wanted to send a message to the centre of the sun to Mary, even though she was already a bunch of ash by now or melted ash or whatever happens when you go to the middle of the sun.

            It took another half hour for Tosh to come back down the stairs, talking with Owen and Gwen on the way, when she arrived at my desk however her head was dipped.

            ‘Erin, the things that I heard-’

            ‘What did you hear?’ I asked but I made sure my voice wasn’t angry.

            ‘Noise mostly but the bathroom was uh – that was the most of what I heard.’

            Shit, she’d heard about that.

            ‘Tosh I don’t care that you heard that.’ I lied. ‘That’s stupid stuff, how are you doing?’

            ‘Me? I’m alright.’

            ‘Yeah I’ll believe that when the stars turn green.’ I smirked, already grabbing for my jacket. ‘Come on, me and you are going for drinks and I’ll catch you up on everything that’s happened.’

            ‘I don’t want to go to a bar, I’m not really in the mood.’

            ‘Neither am I but I need a mocktail or I’m gonna throw myself off a bridge, now let’s go – Ianto we’re going out you wanna join?’

            ‘Love to!’ He cheered happily plodding down the stairs.

            ‘Gwen?’ I asked, looking back to her.

            ‘No thanks, I better get home.’ She smiled.

            ‘Owen?’

            ‘Sorry, got work to do.’

            Course he fucking has.

            ‘Right then you two, mocktails and rock music.’

            ‘Sorry, what?’

 

***

 

It would of taken an hour to get into the club in the first place if I hadn’t mentioned my name, which Lizzy had just happened to put on the list. I made sure to sit at the front of the club just in front of the stage, whilst Ianto sorted the drinks.

            ‘So, never knew you were into girls.’ I smiled and Tosh blushed.

            ‘It just sort of happened.’

            ‘It usually does.’ I said. ‘But I have a proposition for you.’

            ‘Oh if this is a dating thing then-’

            ‘No it’s not a set up for a date, it’s more a ploy for a rebound.’

            ‘What?’

            ‘Okay here we are, one pint for me, a gin and soda water for Tosh and a San Francisco mocktail for you.’ Ianto said, passing out the drinks to everyone. ‘This place is packed and I feel a little over dressed.’

            ‘Oh don’t stress.’ I told him. ‘Now Tosh the singer of the band Lizzy I know her and I think you two would really get it on.’

            ‘Mary left not even an hour-’

            ‘All I’m saying is I’d rather you were fucking someone who wasn’t using you, that’s all I want.’

            ‘I agree but I wouldn’t make it sound so crude.’ Ianto nodded, taking a gulp of his pint.

            I saw a flash of hair by the stage curtain and I smirked, bouncing up from my seat and darting across the stage into the wings, where a very startled Halestorm stood.

            ‘Oh you can’t be back here.’ One of them said.

            ‘Don’t worry I’m with her.’ I said, motioning to Lizzy who’d crossed her arms in a smirk.

            ‘You never fail to surprise me girl.’

            ‘Well you’re in for another one.’ I said. ‘Now sadly I am off the table but my friend Toshiko’s here and she’s in need of some assistance, a girl called Mary’s just broken her heart and I know for a fact she’d appreciate some sort of connection.’

            ‘You said we both had very different ideas of connecting.’

            ‘Well she needs your kind.’ I smirked. ‘You still got the same number?’

            ‘Yeah.’

            ‘Well it’s a good thing I still have you saved then – have a good show.’  

            I turned before she could say anything else, hopping down from the stage and back into my seat.

            ‘Did you just set me up?’ Toshiko asked. ‘Erin I’m not ready for that.’

            ‘Hey you don’t need sleep with the woman.’ I shook my head, taking out my phone and punching it into Toshiko’s. ‘When you’re ready you can call her or text whatever you prefer.’

            ‘It’s not going to happen.’ Tosh stated.

            ‘Alright.’ I nodded.

            However as the show started and the lights dimmed, Ianto and I leaned back in our seats behind Tosh’s head mouthing ‘it’s going to happen’ with a smirk. The expression on Tosh’s face changed when Lizzy started singing, like she was mesmerised and I couldn’t help but grin. I subtly pointed to Toshiko just in case Lizzy didn’t know who I was talking about earlier, she nodded continuing the set and for the rest of the night I sipped my mocktail happily.

            I wasn’t going to lose my job.

            I wasn’t going to lose my friend to some manipulative alien from space.

            I wasn’t going to lose my husband.