Sylvia lay on her bed while clutching a plushie. There are so many frustrations that she wants to let out. To scream her feelings into the wind. To vent all the feelings she had bottled up. After Deverick kicked her out, she mindlessly packed her stuff and went home. When she got home, there was no one to greet her.
No siblings to show her care. No servants to help carry her things. No parent figure to welcome her. She feels isolated from reality. The feeling that no one cares about her. Where her existence was meaningless. And in a way, it was. All the hopes she set off with at the beginning of the year had faded. The only thing left in her was exhaustion. Her exhaustion of the mind. Her fatigue of the body. Everything about her screams pathetic.
She was tired. Tired of how everything was so cruel. Tired of how all her hard work seemed meaningless. Does her existence even have a meaning? Is there anyone who will care if she just disappeared one day? Will anyone think of her if she does disappear? Somehow she feels that the answer is no. No one will care. It's like the world was telling her that her life was pointless. And no matter what she does, that fact will never change.
This feeling made her depressed. It dissuades any trace of motivation. To give up on life. To live among the mediocre. These whispers in her head seem so tempting when she compares them with what she has been through. If she doesn't struggle, then she won't suffer. It would become a paradise. All her worries would disappear. But this feeling of giving up. It depresses her.
As she was wallowing in her problems, someone knocked on her door.
"Lady Sylvia? The master is calling for you."
Her father? What does he want with her? Could it be that he finally cares about her? After all her hard work, will he finally acknowledge her? If that is the case, then all the suffering she has endured will be worth it. Hope began to bloom in her again.
"Really? I will be out in a moment."
Sylvia quickly got up and made herself presentable. She can't allow herself to meet her father looking like that. What happens if he doesn't acknowledge her because of her tangled hair? Or her tired face? Or her wrinkled clothes? This might be the only chance she had so she can't afford to mess it up.
A few minutes later, Sylvia was standing outside her father's office. Putting on her best-looking smile, she knocked.
"Come in."
Her father's stern voice called from inside.
She entered the room. "Father, you called for me?"
She tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible. From her tone, it was clear she succeeded. At least she considered it a success. Her father stared at her. A frown was evident on his face.
"I heard you failed your class."
His tone was emotionless. There was no reprieve in his voice. Just emptiness. When Sylvia heard this way of speaking, the small kindle of hope in her died. What was she thinking? How could she be so foolish to think he will acknowledge her? She should have known better. After all the years of neglect, why would he suddenly change? And she had known this. But she wanted to believe. To believe in the delusion that someone might care about her.
"Yes, father."
At her realization, her tone became equally emotionless.
"Why did you insist on Star Bound? It might have a reputation but it is beyond you."
This hurt. To think her father doesn't believe in her. No. Did he ever believe in her?
"To prove myself."
That was the last of her conviction.
"Why do something so pointless? You would be better off dropping out right now."
This sentence cut deep. Something in her snapped. Rage started to replace that feeling of emptiness.
"You know what? I have had it with you! You always look down on me. Telling me everything I do is pointless. That I would be better off doing something else. Do you know how hard I worked to gain your approval? I pushed myself past my limits on a monthly basis all for a single praise. I sacrificed everything of mine to chase that goal. I gave up a normal childhood for you. I accepted all those gazes of resentment and malice for you. I gave myself an untold amount of pain. More pain than anyone will feel in a lifetime. Yet all I got was scorn and obstruction. But all of that pain was nothing compared to the emotional damage you gave me over and over again. I treated myself as a tool for you. All just make you happy. All just to make you smile. So you can be proud of me. Yet I can't even get a single smile from you. I have had enough of this!"
Sylvia exploded and unleashed a flurry of her grievances. It was an outrage that would surprise most, but Lord Firebloom was not like most people. He stared at her with the same emotionless look.
"Tell me something. Did I ask you to do any of that?"
Sylvia started shaking.
"You really are a heartless monster," she yelled. Then she turned around and ran out the door with tears in her eyes.
Lord Firebloom shook his head at this sight.
"I hope one day you will understand why, but I also dread that day."
Sylvia returned to her room. She buried her face in her pillow and cried her heart out. To vent everything that was suppressed inside her. Eventually, her tears dried up and the only thing left was emptiness and a soaked pillow. She didn't know how long it has been. It could have been hours or it could have been minutes. She honestly doesn't know. That's what snapping does to her.
She turned herself over and gazed at her ceiling. Now she doesn't know what to do. Should she really drop out? There doesn't seem to be any reason for her to stay. And no one will be bothered by it. They will just think she got eliminated by the trials. It's not a bad way to go.
*knock knock*
Her thoughts were interrupted again by another knock on her door.
"What is it now?"
She asked in a very annoyed tone. All she wants right now is to be alone. Why do the servants keep bothering her?
"Lady Sylvia, there is a Deverick Mordesin asking for you."
"Who?!?!"
"Deverick Mordesin. If you don't want to see him, I can send him on his way."
"No, I will see him."
Sylvia got up from her bed and opened the door. Unlike the time she went to see her father, she paid little attention to her appearance. When she got to the guest greeting room, she saw Deverick waiting for her and drinking tea.
She sat down across from him.
"What do you want?" She asked with more hostility and aggressiveness than she would have liked.
"I see that you are in a worse condition than I thought." Deverick quickly chugged his cup. He got up from his seat and walked towards the gate.
"Care to join me for a walk?"
A walk? That could be a good way to take my head off of everything. They walked out of the city and toward a plain.
"Do you know why I always say there is a fine line between genius and madman? That a good innovator always dances between the two?"
"No. Why are you talking about this?"
"It's because I feel that you lost a crucial component of this process."
"Which is?"
"Sanity."
"Sanity?"
"Yes. I feel that you gave up your sanity. It must have been around the time of the final project. At the time, I had a suspicion of this tendency of yours. I don't know what you went through, but you formed a habit of straining yourself if you can achieve results. I don't condemn this practice as it is the reason why you could reach the point you have. But you need to keep yourself sane in this process. You need to ground yourself in reality and remind yourself why you're doing all of this. To ensure that you have a reason so you don't lose yourself."
"Isn't that what I did?"
"No. You lost yourself in this process. You had tripped in the process and fell towards madness. You sacrificed your sanity for short-term progress."
"Then can you tell me why sanity is so important? If being sane could help me achieve my goals, wouldn't everyone be in paradise? Since that's not the case, then why can't I get rid of the dead weight?"
Her face took on a look of mania.
*sigh*
"Do you know the most important trait of an innovator? It's clarity. A clear mind that can differentiate between things. When you dance between the two states, you are only supposed to lose the part of your mind that limits your thinking, not what keeps your mind together. if you can't even distinguish if an idea is deranged or brilliant, how different are you from insanity? How will you dance between the two when your mind is muddied by insanity?"
"But isn't madness no different than insanity?"
"No. Madness is the absence of reason, not sanity. The reason I said good innovators dance between the two is that pure madness does not create greatness. It's only when you pair it with the creativity of a genius can you succeed as an innovator."
"Ok but what does that have to do with anything?"
"I know you must be on the verge of collapse."
"Excuse me?"
"That you are thinking of how to give up on everything. I want to prevent such a catastrophe. To do so, I had to explain why you are in that state. So that you don't relapse in the future. Consider it my obligation as a teacher."
Sylvia burst out into tears again.
"But what choice do I have? If I don't want to fall behind, I have to work hard."
"Do you remember what I said about your goal at the beginning of the year?"
"That-"
"That it's a good goal if you're doing it for yourself. But were you doing it for yourself?"
"No."
"I warned you and now you are suffering."
"I'm suffering because I am aimless."
"Yes. You have no goal in life anymore. So how about making another one?"
"But what goal could I pursue? Nothing feels meaningful to me anymore."
"Why change? Can't you just pursue the same goal?"
"But that path left me in pain. Why would I-"
"And why would you pursue improvement for someone else? Didn't I say it already? Seek improvement for yourself and no one else."
"But how would I go about that? I don't know where to even began."
"Do you remember another thing I said at the beginning of the year?"
"You said many things back then. You really expect me to remember all of it?"
"I said that you could apply to do a research project with me next year."
"But what can I research? I don't think I am good enough to do any worthy explorations."
"You haven't checked the final project, have you?"
"No. Why would I? It has become pointless since I failed the class."
"Give it a look."
Silvia was confused about what he was getting at, but obliged.
"So? Isn't this still the same?"
"Yes. It's the same."
"Then why does it-"
Her voice trailed off. She realized something. She still has access to the instructions. And nothing has changed about it.
"Why do I still have this? Shouldn't I have lost access after the class was over?"
"Do you know why I was sure everyone will fail?"
"Isn't it because the difficulty is too high?"
"It was. But do you know how high it is?"
"No?"
"When you are able to complete the last step, you would have completely mastered your advanced element. There is pretty much nothing you can't do with it at that point. It's only a matter of how efficient the application is."
"No way! That's a realm many have pursued, but few have reached."
"That's right. And I fully expected that completing everything will take decades of study even with my guide. So there you go, a research topic."
"But why would you give something so precious? Especially to students who only took one year of your class?"
"I said it before. The class is supposed to prepare everyone in being a mage. And I mean, fully prepared."
"But still-"
"And consider it a gift for everyone that put up with me."
"..."
"I look forward to helping you with your research, Sylvia."
Deverick started walking away, leaving Sylvia staring at his back.
"Oh yeah, do you know why I used dance as the description for bouncing between the two states? It's because you're supposed to enjoy the process. If you don't enjoy it, how can it be a dance?"
