Bobby felt his heart race against time as his heart started to jump out of his chest. His eyelids flung open, trying to wake up from his memories, from a dark place. But his eyes still only saw darkness. Eventually he saw that dirty blond professor with an obnoxious ring was also breathing very heavily with him. He eventually fell into rhythm with her breathing which deaccelerated. He looked into her eyes, not saying a word. Bobby finally noticed her hand was still on his shoulder. He started at it, and she quickly withdrew it.
But she was still staring into his eyes. Bobby had no idea what to do but he continued to stare into her crystal clear blue eyes. He heard giggles and laughing surrounding them. The occasional moan was equally disturbing as people’s growling. His vision flicked on and off. But finally, he noticed he was in the same room with the same people doing the same thing. He was supposed to be doing something normal; something the group did. But he wasn’t doing it. He sighed, finally noticing that his clothes were soaked with sweat.
He saw the professor point her head towards the door and she slowly got up, clearly expecting him to follow. It took Bobby a minute to get up, but he did make his way towards the door. The professor nodded at him and started to whisper, “are you alright?”
Bobby nodded. He felt like shit but what was he supposed to say? It was hard to focus on anything, let alone give a proper response.
She nodded, “meditation is meant to help over time. You can leave for the day and try to focus on other things. I have a few books if you want, but they are all romance books. Not all too sure you want to read them,” she said with a smile. Her clear eyes did seem to reflect her earnest heart. She held the door open for him. Bobby walked into the hallway and almost didn’t hear the door close behind him.
But he stood there, trying to understand what he went through. If there was anyone who could understand it, it would be Amanda. “But how would I explain it to her?” He said walking down the hall. “I sat down on a mat and ‘remembered’ my past?” Bobby said sarcastically. He shook his head; he pulled out his phone and texted Amanda to meet up tonight. But he couldn’t help remembering what happened last time. It was just so baffling. “Hopefully, it won’t happen again,” he muttered. That ‘episode’ was beyond ridiculous.
He eventually left the building and soon noticed the building was next door to the dorms, but Bobby swore that the dorm was surrounded by grass, not this building. Not that it mattered too much. He went into his dorm room and lay on his bed. He was used to visiting painful memories. He even got used to it. But this was a different caliber entirely. It was like he was actually there. His hands still felt sore from digging.
Bobby continued staring at the ceiling. That plain old ceiling that he was so used to seeing in his apartment was distinctly different from the dorm’s ceiling. Not that it mattered. As long as he could stare at it, it was doing it’s job. He started to wander the void in his mind. Somehow, it was feeling claustrophobic. But Bobby didn’t mind, as long as he can wander freely.
But it didn’t last long as someone opened the door and cleared their throat. Bobby sighed; he really did not want to deal with Yu Xiao right now. ‘Sorry,’ Bobby thought, ‘This One. I don’t want to deal with This One,’ he mocked in his mind. He heaved his legs over the side of the bed, expecting the worst.
“This One greets the person before This One,” he said, with a slight bow. He quickly undid his bow, “This One is sorry for blatantly disrespecting the person present here,” he said looking straight into Bobby’s eyes.
‘Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise,’ Bobby thought, amused. “Where are your babysitters?”
Bobby almost heard Yu Xiao’s teeth crush themselves as his smile grew wider. “Professor Dave guided them off campus.” He said tilting his head slightly, “Professor Dave insisted that there is no need for such people on this campus.” He pulled out something from behind himself. It was a notebook, with thousands of little notes jutting from the sides. He extended it out towards Bobby, “This One is presenting the person before This One with This One’s ‘alchemy’ notes.”
Bobby eyebrows rose slightly, completely shocked by the unexpected gift. He reached out to grab it with one of his hands and felt the smooth leather surface of the notebook. The leather was slightly stretched out. Bobby opened it and found the pages to be white, but its edges were yellow and slightly wavey. Each page had thin and legible handwriting in the margins. Some sentences had lines highlighted and had flags. Bobby was overwhelmed by how perfect this piece was. He nearly shuttered thinking about the amount of time and effort he must have put into it. He looked up at the proud Yu Xiao, “thank you. This is an amazing gift.”
But Bobby stopped for a moment, since he didn’t remember the last moment that he said thank you. He reeled himself to the earliest moments of his life. But he never remembered a moment that he said, ‘thank you.’ He never thanked his parents or his other “caretakers”. There was God, of course, but that’s because there was Amanda, who forced him to embrace his religious identity. That clearly went nowhere.
Then there was Amanda, but then again, Amanda was hired by Boss, but Bobby never thanked him for anything. He closed the book, not entirely sure what else to say now. Regardless, Bobby had to pay him back for such a precious gift. “What can I do to help?”
Yu Xiao nodded, easing his smile. “How can This One become more proficient in realization magic? Professor Dave said you were talented in that field.”
Bobby sighed, “I am not, magic isn’t real. It’s all fake, something made up from my wild and crazy imagination,” Bobby said, turning his eyes away from Yu Xiao. “I started to take pills to cure my schizophrenia if that is what your curious about.”
Yu Xiao looked at Bobby, not entirely sure what to say. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but he finally spoke, “harmonizing with the divine way, they achieved great tranquility.*”
Bobby raised a eyebrow, ‘he can’t be serious, right?’ Bobby thought. “Care to explain?”
Yu Xiao nodded. “The Dao states that everything is in a balance with each other,” he said. “With extreme talent in realization magic, it’s natural to lack any skill in manifestation magic.” He said slowly, turning his head to the floor. “Therefore, by viewing magic as something separate from the mind, and view it as something scientific, it is to easily master manifestation magic.”
Bobby smirked at his explanation, slightly amused. “That’s one way to see it.” But Bobby sighed. Normal people really could not understand insane people. Yet, Bobby also felt something twist in his brain, but he wasn’t sure what exactly. He shook his head, “Magic is fake, nothing more to it. Besides,” Bobby said putting his gift on the bed, as he leaned back onto his hands, “how would magic be a science?”
Yu Xiao was clearly confused, but he soon understood what Bobby meant. “The person before This One is a regular student then?”
Bobby nodded, “How do you feel that the Great Yu Xiao is taking ‘lessons’ from a regular student named Bobby?” Bobby smirked, nearly chuckling.
Yu Xiao waved his hand, as if flicking dust. “There is no important class system** besides the one in China.” He said with a nod, “Americans can’t understand.”
Bobby was somehow shocked but also not surprised by Yu Xiao’s opinion. But he quickly turned his head to the vibrating phone in his pocket and saw a message from Amanda asking where he was. Bobby looked out the window and saw the sun had already set. He quickly grabbed his pill bottle, “I have to go now. Sorry that I couldn’t help you,” he said walking past Yu Xiao. He didn’t hear his response as rushed out of the building, texting Amanda that he had lost track of time.
Eventually he found his way off campus, into the city, and in front of Flammes des Chef. He was out of breath from running, but it felt good. Bobby did not remember the last time he ran or briskly walked. But it felt good that his heart was beating for something other than panic. Especially after having that nightmare in the middle of the day.
But what made his heart drop into his stomach was something he saw in the restaurant. It wasn’t the giant floating squids sucking on peoples foreheads, nor the numerous chandeliers that hung from one another. But it was the fact he saw Amanda sitting at the table for three. Two Amandas at the round table for three. He slowly walked over to the table of giggling and yapping Amandas, both of which were wearing light blue denim jeans with a maroon crop top with gold loop earrings. He took his seat and eyed the Amanda on his left and one his right. He was not entirely which one was real. Both made sounds, and his schizophrenia was never related to sounds- it was only visually impactful.
Eventually the Amanda on the right turned to Bobby, “Bobby, this is my friend Amanda.” However, the Amanda on Bobby’s left and said the other Amanda, “Amanda, this is my friend Bobby.”
Bobby had no idea what to think. His mind went totally blank, before one of the Amandas – Bobby didn’t catch which one said it – “But, yeah, how are you?” Bobby only wanted to talk to the Amanda who helped him so much.
His eyes flickered between the two, “I want to talk to the Amanda I invited tonight,” he said, lifting his phone out and turned it on. It displayed the conversation between Bobby and Amanda. Granted, it was entirely one sided with Bobby only texting and Amanda sparsely responding.
They both looked at Bobby quizzingly, before one – the one on the left – “I just threw out my phone before you came. Social media is super distracting.” Then the Amanda on the right nodded, “But, yeah. Me too. Social media is an echoing room.”
Bobby eyed the one on the right, finally spotting the fake. The reason why Amanda forced him to be religious was to be a part of the community. Too bad there was no religious community here. ‘But how do I get rid of her?’ Bobby tapped his fingers on the table, totally ignoring the waiter trying to take his order.
“Salad with duck fat for an appetizer and Hawaiian hamburger for the main meal,” she – Amanda on the right – said with a smile. “Don’t worry about him, he’s like that occasionally.”
Meanwhile, the Amanda on the left kept on repeating Bobby’s name trying to wake him up from his trance. He was very much awake and aware, but he had no idea what to do. He felt his brain was turning to mush. This was the first time in a long time that he had forced his mind to be so active for so long. He sighed. He wished he could only wander the void for more time.
He looked up at the Amanda on the right, “Hey, can you leave? I want to talk to the Amanda on the left.”
Both Amandas looked at him confused. “The one doing her thesis on schizophrenia,” he spoke out, slightly frustrated at how stupid this is.
Both Amanda eyed each other and then sided eyed Bobby, as if he was the weird one. “All of us are working on it,” the one on the right said. The left Amanda nodded, “Also on chemistry and biology.” The Amanda on the right looked at the other Amanda, “yeah, but we are giving our thesis in a couple of months, we should invite him.” The Amanda on the left nodded, “that’s right. We should invite everyone who helped us.”
Bobby nearly slammed his head into the table. But instead, he face-planted into a salad. He was beyond done and over this. But at the same time, he lifted his head and saw the two Amandas leaving since they had already finished their ribs. “Wait, how should I contact you if you have no phone?”
The Amanda on the right turned back, facing Bobby. “I’ll try to come every other day.” She said, as she dug napkins out of her purse, and passed them to Bobby. Bobby accepted them, watching the Amanda catch up to the other Amanda, waiting for her at the door. And they left.
Bobby stared blankly at the door, totally oblivious to the waiter that just placed napkins in front of him. He looked down at his meal, only to see the mess that the Amandas made, and saw the waiter pity him as he cleaned up their mess. Bobby silently and mindlessly ate his meal and took his pills.
After Bobby paid, his body walked out of the restaurant and walked down the street, while his mind was still left at the table.
Alone.
Totally alone.
* “The Hall of Numinous Brilliance in Lu” by Wang Wenkao
** Not entirely sure if ‘class’ is the right word. But yes, people in China can be discriminated against because of the region they are from. My ‘friend’ described it as “Regionalism.” And, (Quote) “This has been part of China for as long as it stand and might never had the chances to disappear in the near future.”
