After wandering around the worst parts of town with Betton for a few hours, a thought came to me. What the hell am I doing? 

“Betton, what are we doing?” I look over at the guy, who now has a shirt.

He just shrugs. “I dunno, I was following you. Thought you were hungry and eating people.” 

I sigh. He’s right, that is what I was doing. But it’s not really… a goal. A disturbing thought drifts into my mental palace. What if I’m being influenced by my monster body? Well, more than I thought already. 

I think for a moment, over everything I’ve done the last few days. Searching for anything out of the ordinary for me… Besides not being weirded out by my totally gross bod, most of that was things I’d probably do… Maybe I’ve killed people easier than back home, maybe? Never really had a situation where killing was an option on Earth, so who's to say?

But I totally did get sidetracked from my goal by my desire for food. My goal… uh… finding Lina! Right! I almost forgot… the girl… I’m in love with… Okay, maybe the monster part of me is stronger than I thought. Whatever, I’ve caught on now, and will not be so easily diverted! 

“Betton, I forgot my mission!” I look at him, fire in my eyes. 

He stares back at me, boredom in his eyes. “You had a mission?” 

A long sigh comes from my temporary lips. “Yes, I had a mission! I need to find my girl!” 

Betton’s eyes go wide. “Aren’t… you a…” He looks me up and down. “Girl?” He sounds unconvinced. 

I frown. “Yeah. And?” Don’t tell me…

His face turns bright red. “Y-you, that’s… t-that’s not allowed!” Oh come on.

“Really?” I ask flatly.

He nods furiously, still deep red. “T-the king says that it’s forbidden!” His feet shuffle nervously. “He even b-banned the church of Oram!” 

I stare at the dude. “Who… is that?” 

“The goddess of love? Evil temptress? How do you not know that?” His voice is panicked at this point. 

My hand grips his shoulder. “My man, I was born in the woods like two days ago.” 

He just scowls at my reason for being uninformed. “D-don’t monsters, I dunno, have a glossary or something?” I just stare at the anxious kid. What is he even talking about?

If I had a glossary, why would he have to explain to me how my own soul works? This kid is really off the deep end right now. If this is how he reacts to me liking girls, I can only imagine what he’d do if I told him what I used to look like. 

“So, the problem is the king then?” I ask bluntly. Betton’s eyes somehow get even wider. 

He glances around before answering. “Well, I s-suppose.” 

I shrug. “Then, if it becomes an issue, I’ll eat him.” 

Betton stares at me, his face going from dark red to snow white instantaneously. 

I sigh at his reaction. “Don’t be a pansy, we’ll be fine.” Like hell I’ll let some stupid king tell me I can’t be with my girl.

Walking away from my underling, I ask him, “Where’s the information guild around here?” He scratches his head for a while. 

Shockingly, the information guild around here isn’t easy to find. Something about being an illegal business? I wouldn’t know, way over my head. 

Before we even start to look for the guild, another thing comes to mind. “Betton, how expensive are information guilds?” I look at the pale kid, who looks at me blankly.

“They’re a crime syndicate, what do you think?” What is with his attitude when he’s calm?

“Then, hypothetically, how would one make lots of money?” He once again just stares at me.

“Well, one way is killing people and stealing their cash, like we’ve been doing. But if we want enough to pay the information guild, we’d probably end up killing someone that’s important to them.” I shake my head. That’s no good.

“So, the other option?”

He goes pale. “W-well, that would be joining the guild.” …oh no, don’t tell me.

I ask hesitantly. “What guild, Betton?” 

He fiddles with his shirt nervously. “The adventurers’ guild.” 

I scream into my hands.

 

────────────

 

My life is a joke, a cruel one too. I have to work at the adventurers guild? Life is a bitch. You know what? If I ever get back to Earth, I’m going to program a computer virus to delete every isekai novel off the internet, and then I’ll eat the authors. 

After getting my anger out with nonsensical fantasies, I have Betton guide me to the… guild. When we get there, I double check the sign outside, that I can somehow read. Yep, says ‘Adventurers guild’ alright. The reason I checked is because the place is a dump. It’s in worse shape than most of the buildings in the slum district. Its roof has several visible holes, and sections of wall are barely covered by haphazardly placed planks. 

The two of us walk inside and are immediately bombarded with the stench of alcohol. Around the large main room are several large and hairy men, asleep or dead in their seats. At the far end of the building is a bar with a woman behind it. Beside it stands, barely, a billboard with paper notes on it. 

Betton leads me up to the bar, where the woman looks me up and down. Her eyes linger on my dress for a bit too long, before finishing their trip to my face. She doesn’t even glance at Betton. 

“So, booze or a job?” She asks me, talking past Betton who is in front of me. Woman knows her stuff.

With a smile I answer. “Job, booze later.” She smirks at my answer. 

“You’re a new face, need a guild patch?” 

I stare at her blankly, glancing at a sulking Betton for help. 

She smiles again. “It’s info we patch into your status stone, saying you’re a member. You have a status stone, right?” With Betton being useless as usual, I just shake my head honestly. 

Her face flickers into a frown for a second. “Well, we can make you one here.” She leans down under the bar, returning with what looks like a cash register. The woman pats the device affectionately. “Ol Bloody here will take a drop of blood and generate a status stone for ya.” She pushes the thing towards me, pointing at a needle sticking out the top. “Just prick yourself here.” 

Shit. I don’t have blood. And I’m a monster. Will this thing even work on a monster? This could go badly, but what choice do I have? Betton isn’t even paying attention. I’m going to hide him later. 

With a grimace, I shove my finger onto the metal needle. Pink goo oozes out of my skin, and is quickly sucked into the machine. I pull back my hand, worried it might keep draining me. I am only goo after all. 

The woman’s eyes are huge saucers, staring at me in shock. She doesn’t say anything, instead looking at the humming machine. After a few minutes it makes a comical ding sound. Then a holographic window is projected above it. 

It’s almost identical to the windows that appear for me, except much cruder looking. If my system is a modern computer, this thing’s a calculator. 

NAME: ALEXANDRA

RACE: ERR

AGE: 25

GENDER: FEMALE

CLASS: ERR

AFFINITIES: ERR, NONE

ATTRIBUTES: ERR, ALL AVERAGE

BLESSING: ERR (FULL)

 

After hanging in the air for a few minutes, the window vanishes into a single point of light. A small green marble falls out of the light, dropping onto the bartop. The woman stares at it, then at me with her mouth hanging open. She closes her mouth, visibly mulling something over. Then she smiles at me.

“Well here’s this.” She hands me the marble. “And you can take any job from the board over there.” She thumbs at the barely held together billboard. “Just bring back the paper, with the proof it asks for, and I’ll pay you out.” 

With that, she turns around, and starts cleaning spotless dishes. I guess that’s our cue to leave? 

I grab Betton by the neck, and drag him over to the board.

 

────────────

 

The contents of the billboard are as impressive as the rest of the guild, not very. Only half a dozen notices hang on the rotting cork, half of them unreadable due to age and exposure. I snatch one of the only legible ones, and look it over.

 

ITEM RETRIEVAL

So my buddy got real smashed the other day and wandered outside the barrier with my coin pouch. Bastard went and got himself eaten. I need someone to go find the coin from his corpse, or from the monster who ate him. I dunno what it looked like, since I was smashed as hell too, so you’ll have to figure that out yourself.

REWARD: 6 SILVER

 

I elbow Betton, who was busy staring at the ceiling. Once I get his attention, I ask him. “Is six silver a lot?”

He stares at me for a minute, before snorting. “Six silver could barely feed a single person for a month.” He takes the paper from my hands and looks it over. “Why, what’s the…” He starts giggling manically as he reads it. Eventually he just pins it back up on the board without another word. 

Guess that one’s out then. I look through the rest, which are all as pathetic sounding as the first. Finally, at the very bottom, I find one that looks old but is still readable. 

MONSTER SLAYING

My daughter died to illness a little over a year ago. On the one year anniversary of her death, her ghost appeared in my home. At first all was well, her spirit just lingered peacefully. But then one night, she changed. Now she attacks anything living on sight, and I’m not able to go home. I’m begging any exorcists who see this, please put my daughter to rest.

REWARD: DUNGEON RELIC

 

Interesting, so ghosts are real here… not that I know if they were on Earth. I can’t help but get curious, this request has so many little things about it. Why’d she turn after being okay for so long. Why appear after a year exactly? Why start killing things? Well that last one is probably just because she’s mad. That’s why I usually kill things. 

I elbow Betton out of his ceiling-staring pastime. “So, can you kill ghosts?” 

He looks at me, blinking slowly. “Ghosts are… non-corporeal Alex.” Eww, he used my name.

“That means I can’t eat them…” I ignore Betton’s scowls and think it over. “Could you like, undo them with your magic?” 

He gives me an even worse scowl than before. “Ghosts are a natural part of the world, undoing them would be resurrection, which I certainly can’t do.” His eyes narrow. “Wait, why are you asking about this?” 

I smile at him, with normal human teeth this time. He still shivers anyways. “We’re going to kill a ghost.”