[Diary Entry #0]

 

I'm afraid my memory loss might be progressive. I don't trust my self-aware swords or lantern rings to tell me the truth, so I have decided to take time every day to jot down important details in a diary. If I find myself reading back and discovering I forgot something, then I'll know something is up.

 

For security reasons, I'll be writing it out on hardcopy, just to make sure nobody hacks my computer to get the goods on me.

 

 

 

[Diary Entry #1]

 

Shia LeBeouf is my taxi driver.

 

His actual name is Chas Kramer, but he looks just like Shia LeBeouf, if a much younger version. He drives a yellow taxi around Gotham and apparently owns it. Has his own medallion and everything. At first, I was afraid he was driving Bumblebee, but the car does not seem to be self-aware, even if it is yellow.

 

I asked him if he knew John Constantine. He did not, which weirds me out a little. I'm concerned that he is supposed to meet John and won't because I've hired him to drive me around town. Ever since I overpaid him, he's been hounding me to ask if I need to be driven anywhere. Then I made the mistake of talking about the occult and he confessed he was an aspiring exorcist in his spare time.

 

The kid doesn't have a magical bone in his body.

 

He also isn't a mutant, an alien, or a half-breed anything. He is a completely normal guy. He does, however, have an encyclopedia-like knowledge of the supernatural. I currently have him drive me around town so I save on using the rings. I scan for people in extreme distress, have him stop, go visit them, then drain them of their hate and/or fear.

 

Last time I wound up providing couples therapy after breaking up a domestic dispute. I think the husband is actually going to get help, but I'm not sure if it is going to take. I'm wondering if

 

 

Jake looked up and sniffed the air.

 

 

 

"Chaz, pull over here."

 

The Taxi pulled over and Jake got out. He squinted and looked around, then spun around, "Why am I..." He looked around a few times then abruptly stopped. He stood stock still and closed his eyes. He just listened to the sounds of the city at night.

 

Chaz got out of the driver's seat and stood outside his car, "Hey Boss?"

 

Jake held up a finger and shushed him, then went back to listening. He heard the sounds of music get louder then fade away, as if someone opened and closed a door to a night club. Jake opened one eye and started looking out of the corner of his eye as he slowly turned around.

 

Club Midnite appeared in front of him.

 

"Damn thing was hidden by a SEP field. So that's why I couldn't find it." Chaz looked around like Jake was insane, "A what?"

 

Jake looked at Chaz, "Someone Else's Problem. It's not real invisibility. True invisibility is a major pain. It's easier to just phase out of reality and let light pass through you. You can get the preditor effect going on, but that only works in certain situations, and not for a building. You put a SEP field on something, people just ignore it because it is, someone else's problem." He pointed at Club Midnite, "Like Club Midnite over there."

 

Chaz pulled his head back and looked around, then walked around the cab to stand next to Jake, "That trashcan?" Jake rolled his eyes and closed Chaz's by putting a hand over his face, "Keep them closed." Without warning he spun Chaz around three times then put a hand in front of his face, "Open your eyes, look at my hand, but only pay attention to what you see out of the corner of your eyes."

 

Chaz's eyes started to dart to the side. Jake snapped his fingers, "LOOK AT MY HAND." He sighed, "Pretend you are trying to get a look at a girls tits without her knowing."

 

A second later Chaz said, "Hey... what the?" He pushed the hand out of his face and turned to look directly at Club Midnite, "When did that get there?"

 

Jake gave Chaz a pat on the shoulder, "Now you know where to pick me up when I call you." Jake started walking to the club.

 

Chaz hezitated for a second, then started to follow, "Hey. I think I read about this place. Can I-"

 

Jake cut him off, "No. Not this time. You're not up to this. Seriously. Maybe next time." Chaz frowned and looked unhappy. Jake held up a finger and reached into a pocket that formed in his maroon Tuxedo of an outfit, ~Shift me one of my demonology books.~ Jake pulled it out and offered it to Chaz, "Here. Go home and read this. There'll be a test later."

 

Chaz took the book and blinked, "Eighth edition? They never made more than one of this!" Chaz nodded energetically, "I'll get studying, boss!" He hurried back to his vehicle while flipping through random pages. When he looked up, Jake was gone.

 

----

 

~I need X-ray vision. Put it in my domino.~

 

Yellow chimed, ~Understood, master."

 

As Jake walked up to a rather large bouncer, he reached over to pick up a tarot card. Before he had a chance to read it, Jake called out, "Two frogs on a bench." The bouncer looked a little puzzled as he confirmed the card was two frogs on a bench. Jake gave him a salute as the rope that was blocking his path unhooked itself. The bouncer watched as Jake walked past and down the red lit stairwell beyond.

 

The place was cramped with far too many low walls and collums. The place was barely lit and what was had a red tint to it. There were many people of all walks of life and appearance. Red spoke up, ~Detecting many humanoids here that have the human genome cross bred with other xenotypes. The majority would match that odd girl out from the shipping container.~

 

Jake adjusted his bow tie, ~Fuck. I'm a demonslayer in a room full of half demons. This won't go well. Ah well. You two, try to tank up as much you can without drawing attension. Keep it passive for now.~ Jake started smiling as he made his way to the bar, but something caught his eye.

 

A blond guy in a familiar brown trenchcoat.

 

The guy was talking to some slinky woman who had eyes that seemed to have that reflective nature you would see in an animal like a cat. Jake turned to keep going, then paused. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the business card that Chaz had given him. Jake flicked it with a fingernail, then turned back to approach the man.

 

As he got closer, the man leaned forward and whispered to the woman in front of him. Because Jake had his rings monitoring conversations around him, red was able to amplify and relay what he said, "A bloke is walking up behind me. Does it look like I got to punch him?"

 

Jake sighed loudly as he held out the card, "No, Constantine. Just trying to fix something."

 

Constantine turned around, "Look mate, I'm trying to get some action-" He took the card, "Chaz. So if you don't mind."

He tossed the card away.

 

The card halted in mid air as it took on a yellow aura and fluttered back to hover in front of John. Jake shook his head, "My name's Jake. This kid-" He pointed at the card, "Is someone you need to meet."

 

John narrowed his eyes as he took the card. He eyed it suspiciously, "Checkerboard Cab?"

 

Jake took a step back, "Look. I fucked with the timeline. I'm trying to fix things. He's a friend of yours... or supposed to be. He's one of the few people on the planet who actually liked an asshole like you. I think I took him from you. I'm trying to give him back." Jake turned away as he continued, "Do. Don't. I tried."

 

John Constantine stared at the card then up at Jake's departing form. He slipped the card into his pocket and turned to his date, "Sorry about that, luv." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the retreating Lantern, "Bollox like that happens to me all the time."

 

Jake continued on his mission. There was a door here that was all padded with leather to keep out the noise. That would be the door to papa Midnite and with any luck, access to The Chair. He spied the door in question on the otherside of the room. He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders as he started for his destination.

 

"What you in a hurry for, Sugar?"

 

Jake did a double take. There was a woman talking to him. On a scale of zero to Hellen of Troy, she was a Young Charlize Theron. She had short blonde hair with the pale skin and that heroin addict chic that Jake actually was weak for.

 

Jake looked around to make sure she wasn't talking to anyone else, "There are much richer guys here."

 

She laughed in a way that reminded him of his second wife, "Yeah, but you're cute."

 

Jake narrowed his eyes slightly, ~She looked like my first...~ His eyes looke her up and down, ~But she has my third's body.~ He sighed and closed his eyes, ~It's an illusion.~ He then smiled brightly, "Yer full of shit." She looked surprised by this statement. Jake offered her his elbow, ~But I don't care.~ Her suprised expresion faded to something much more sly and seductive as she draped herself on his elbow. He gestured to the bar, "Why don't we talk over there while you empty my wallet?"

 

She laughed in a very familiar, yet melodic way, "Oh baby, I mean it when I say I don't care about how much money you have." She directed him to a rather dark corner of the bar and motioned to one of the waitresses who had those creepy, irridesant eyes, "Two of the usual."

 

Jake held up two fingers, "Double the roofies in mine." His companion looked taken off guard. Jake just smiled at her, "I'm immune to just about everything, so I wouldn't mind something with a little extra kick."

 

~Master, I am not sure if you are aware of this, but the humanoid you are talking to has no life signs.~ Yellow seemed a little wary about relaying the information.

 

~Vampire. You mean vampire.~ Jake thought back. He suddenly stopped smiling, "Oh. Wait a minute." Someone tapped him on the shoulder. As Jake turned around to catch a glimpse of another woman who looked like a mash-up of his wives, but in a different order, he felt someone chomp down on his neck.

 

"Fuck." Jake turned to try and push the woman off, but she pulled back on her own, her entire mouth in flames as she screached in agony. The second woman backed away letting out a scream while baring fangs, the flames from the first dancing in her eyes.

 

Jake's attacker stumbled away to a nearby table and grabbed a pitcher of beer from a table and splashed it into her face. It did nothing to stop the burning. Jake sighed and slowly shook his head, "I was about to warn you. You shouldn't have jumped-" The woman's jaw fell off, along with most of the flames. She looked quite ghastly with her burned, forked tongue flickering in the open blackened remains of her face, "-The Gun."

 

The area around the two of them started to clear out. The second woman had already vanished into the crowd. Jake just watched as the wanna be siren finally collapsed against the wall and looked like she had gone ten rounds with a wrecking ball, but still alive, if you could call her that.

 

"Every bodily fluid in my body has been replaced with Corrosive, hate-filled burning plasma." Jake said with a smile. Then he blinked.

 

He blinked HARD.

 

"Hold it."

 

His eyes went wide as his head fell forward to look directly at his own crotch.

 

"No."

 

Bouncers were closing in on his position, but Jake ignored them as he looked at Red, "RED. Do NOT tell me that EVERY fluid in my body has been replaced!"

 

Red spoke with no amount of humor in his voice, "Sure thing, MASTER! I will NOT tell you that every fluid in your body has been replaced!" Yellow started to snicker.

 

Jake stabbed a finger at his red ring, "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!"

 

Red cheerfully replied, "Of Course, MASTER! And ironically, you shouldn't fuck anyone as well, unless of course you were hoping to cause their pelvis to melt." Yellow flat out started to laugh hysterically.

 

The bouncers closed around Jake who suddenly glared at them, "I just found out that I got the WORST deal ever in human history!" He hooked at thumb at his chest, "I can disrupt the orbits of celestial BODIES with my MIND! Now is not the time to annoy me!"

 

"Esteemed Customer!" Jake looked up to see a well dressed black man in a powder blue suit with many gold rings standing in the doorway of the door he was looking for. The man smiled and made a friendly gesture towards the room behind him, "You look like you have just heard some bad news. Perhaps you'd like to relax for a spell?" The rings on Jake's fingers abruptly went silent.

 

Jake looked at the man, then to the bouncers, and finally at the vampire on the floor who looked like she was about to pass out. He rubbed his eyes as he slowly shook his head, "Not how I..." He let out a huff and rolled his eyes, "Fine." He turned and started walking to the manager's office, "I've been meaning to talk with you anyways..." Jake paused to look the man directly in the eye.

 

 

 

 

 

"Papa Midnite."