September 01, 2023:

 

“You want me to do what?”

 

“Uh…like, I was wondering if maybe you could possibly maybe, like, just for a few wee—days—er, no, like, for Homecoming just, like pretend to be my girlfriend?”

 

I sighed in exasperation, “Jae, I pay you to do my homework for me, why would I—I’m not even a girl, Jae!”

 

There was a timidity in Jae’s body language that I would usually call kind of cute—even if he was only an inch shorter than me—but today I was more than a little annoyed, “Rich, I’m sorry, I told my parents I have a girlfriend—I never asked you for money! And that she did cosplay!”

 

I was still drawing a blank, “Yeah? And? I can’t be the only person you know who does cosplay!”

 

A face somewhere between ‘annoyed’ and ‘blank’ emerged on Jae’s face, “I hang around you all the time, Richard. I don't have any other friends. Besides, most people think we're already dating!”

 

“We’re friends?” Okay, it was hard not to tease such a pitiable guy sometimes.

 

“Rich!” Christ, I thought Jae was going to stamp his foot against the hardwood floor of my bedroom for a minute. Fruity gestures always did suit him.

 

“Okay, okay, calm your tits, bro,” I giggled, turning my back to my friend to browse my closet, “Fuck Jae, the closet thing I have to woman’s clothing is, like, Asuna’s school uniform from SAO or Shirona’s outfit from Pokemon…”

 

“Shirona?”

 

“Nevermind! Sheesh, normies…anyway, my good sir,” I said while removing a piece of lint off of my Sephiroth cosplay’s top—I really needed to buy those protective wrap thingies for my cosplay—“I fear that I’m going to need some sort of stipend for buying clothes. Assuming I followed through on this silly little farce of yours, that is.”

 

Jae’s lips became a long, flat line so strained I feared his cheeks were going to tear, “Rich. Richard. Richie. You’re rich, why the hell else would I be taking a hundred bucks off of you to do your homework every week?”

 

With a hint of sass, "I thought you never asked me to pay you for that?" 

 

Jae retorted with a disgruntled, low growl that left me stifling a giggle.

 

True, the generous allowance from my well-to-do folks and my own income from Instagram modeling were indeed keeping me quite liquid, “Nevertheless, honey,” Yeah, I didn’t understand why I was always so flamboyant around Jae, either, “A ‘girl’ has her needs.”

 

“So you’ll do it?”

 

It was kind of cute how relieved he sounded. Well, as they say: in for a penny…

 

“You said you needed this for Homecoming, right?” Well, it was senior year, it’s really no surprise how desperate Jae was. “Jae, we’ve been flying solo at these school dances for years, my dear, I don’t think your folks are going to be surprised if you just admit that you lied to them about—” 

 

Jae quickly closed the distance between us and stared up at me with his cute, dark eyes, “Rich, please, it’s senior year! I don’t want them to think I’m some sort of loser.”

 

I could feel the warmth of Jae’s heightened breath on my sensitive chest, which stirred up a mixture of feelings in me I didn’t know how to interpret. Hell, even just the closer proximity made me feel a bit…off. To reassert dominance I brought up and twirled my right wrist before laying my index finger on his chest, “Are you sure you’re not just gay?” I grinned mercilessly, using my finger to push him back a step.

 

“No, Richard, I’m…listen, I’ve seen your girl cosplays, it’s not gay to be attracted to…that!”

 

I must admit, teasing such a cute boy like Jae was always kind of fun. Sure, I was straight myself but I’d known Jae since we were in elementary school. Making him squirm was just a thing we did. Together. “Gee, I’m flattered, Mr. Jeong.” That hadn’t come out as dripping with sarcasm as I’d meant it to.

 

“O-of course,” Jae stammered, finally dropping his deep gaze into my eyes, probably to stare at his shoes. That’s when he noticed my shirt. “Wait, Rich…are you wearing breasts underneath your shirt?”

 

Frankly, showing was easier than explaining. Lifting my baggy Thunderpussy shirt over my head I revealed my prized acquisitions. “Voila, JJ!”

 

Jae was stunned, “Holy shit, Rich. Are those r-real?”

 

“Yup! I’ve been on HRT since last May. I love what it’s doing for my skin and getting to play with tits is kinda cool, too!”

 

Jae fell back onto my bed, still in disbelief. Finally, the shock faded just enough for him to cover his eyes, “Oh my God Rich, I’m sorry, just cover them up, please!”

 

It was hard not to giggle at such a pious boy. With a loud snap of the strap of the cute pink bra I’d picked up I donned my Thunderpussy shirt again, “There, ya happy?”

 

Jae slowly poked an eye out through his fingers to confirm the enemy retreat, “Oh my God. Holy shit, Richard! What?!?”

 

“Like I said, Jae, I’m on HRT.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

Clearly Mr. Jeong needed an explanation.

 

“Hormone Replacement Therapy, dear,”  For some reason that ‘dear’ wasn’t sounding nearly as condescending as I meant it to. After a beat I added: “Estrogen.” 

 

“You’re taking estrogen?”

 

“Yup-yup! Some guys do it to look cuter, after all.”

 

“A-are you transgender?”

 

“Me? Transgender? Like, as in, a girl? I mean…why would I be a girl?” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

 

“Uh…maybe because you’re literally taking estrogen to look cute?”

 

“Sir,” Gosh, I couldn’t muster up any sarcasm today, “I cosplay anime characters. Most of them are twinks, of course I want to look the part!”

 

I could tell from Jae’s face that his mind was fighting a war of attrition, “Yeah. Anime boys tend to look a bit like girls. Girls, Richard!”

 

A sigh felt natural, so I played the part, “Jae, honey, just because I want to look like an anime boy who happens to look a little girly sometimes it doesn’t mean I’m a girl. Come on, don’t be so closed-minded!”

 

Jae stood from his perch on the edge of my bed to close the gap between us once again, “Rich, you’ve been calling me ‘honey’ and ‘dear’ for weeks now.”

 

Drat, I suppose he wasn’t picking up on the sarcasm I obviously meant to exude, “JJ, hon—Sir. Sir. Please, there is no way I of all people could be a girl or transgender or whatever the fuck it’s called.”

 

Now Jae looked unconvinced, “Why’s that, then?” Heck, he sounded unconvinced, too.

 

Against my orders my body produced red to fill my cheeks, “B-because…like…I…like my…you know.”

 

Jae was silent for a good ten seconds before I could audibly hear him gulp, “Oh. Yeah. Huh.”

 

The room fell silent for a length of time I couldn’t determine. Letting myself crash back onto my bed I stared up at the ceiling, “I feel like too much of a fraud to even say I wish I could be a girl, Jae. I mean, yeah, I know that there are porn actresses who keep their…but isn’t that just because they need to pay the bills until they can get surgery?”

 

I shot my eyes over my mounds to look back at Jae, just standing idly in the middle of my bedroom, “I…” the uncertainty in his voice was more than obvious, “I…don’t know, Rich. I’m sorry.”

 

One little question and the entire fucking mood was shot. Goddamn it. 

 

Finally, Jae’s hoarse voice spoke up, “Listen, Rich, we don’t—”

 

I cut Jae off right there, “No, JJ. We’re going to do this. I’m going to do this.”

 

I couldn’t really be a girl—but at least I could pretend to be one for the closest thing my detached-ass could call a friend. Shooting straight up off my bed I pierced my gaze into Jae’s and showed him my guts, “Jae, what kind of girl have you told your parents I am?”

 

Out of the bottom of my field of vision I could tell Jae’s knees were buckling, “Uh…I just said she was—you were—cute. And that you liked anime and were smart.”

 

If I had to guess, I probably wore a nonplussed facial expression in response to such a description, “Jeez Jeong, you sure know how to describe a girl.”

 

‘Bashful’ defined Jae’s shoulders’ body language, “Uh…sorry. I’m not good at handling my folks…” Jae crossed his arms across his chest, squirmed at the sensation, and then shifted his footing in his place. The little wiggle in his hips was so fruity, but I couldn’t help but crack a devious grin. God, if only I were into men.

 

“Tell me about it,” I retorted, stifling any queer—lulz—thoughts. My parents still didn’t know I was on HRT and I’d planned to keep it that way. It was just way too much to deal with. Stepping over to my makeup collection I did a quick assessment of what I was going to need to refill on before designing my new look. “But no, for real Jeong, you’re refilling my makeup collection. Pronto. We’re damned lucky this is Friday, I’m going to need at least two days to give my girl self a proper design.”

 

I could smell the confusion hanging in the air around Jae like a hunter could smell the coming rainfall, “What do you mean? It’s just for a single night and we have, like, a month until Homecoming.

 

Ugh, men. “Jae, I can’t just show up to the dance as a girl. People are going to ask questions!”

 

“Well, actually I don’t think anyone will no—”

 

“Yes, they will, my good sir. I don’t want to make a scene so I’m going to have to spend the next few weeks going to school as a girl.”

 

I could see Jae’s computational challenges on his face but shrugged and grabbed my messenger bag off my computer table, “Come on, Jeong, Daddy needs to buy his little ‘girl’ some makeup. And clothes.”

 

“Wait, wha—?”

 

***

 

September 01, 2023:

 

My trip to the mall with Jae had thankfully been a pleasant one. After picking up the necessary makeup—mostly some eyeliner and shadow that I had been wanting to try out for a potential cosplay—with a little help from Jae’s debit card, Jae and I began hitting up the womens’ specialty stores. I grabbed some cute leggings on Jae’s dime but I still wasn’t really sure what my boundaries for the ‘girlfriend’ Jae apparently had was.

 

“Alright champ, what exactly are you looking for?”

 

I knew that we were in a crowded mall during COVID season but Christ, you could see the sweat pouring to Jae’s scary-beautiful eyes, “Uh…maybe…uh…can I say…uh…you know…like…listen, you really don’t have to—” Jae’s voice grew more and more muffled beneath his KN95 mask, forcing me to lean in even more than I usually did.

 

“Jae, just fucking come out with it already! You know I can’t, like, hear for shit!” I had taken to standing closely to Jae over the years to hear his mumbles better, especially when shopping in the mall.

 

Through my own poor hearing and below the roar of the crowded mall and behind the barrier of Jae’s mask I could just barely make out my bestie clearing his throat, “...do you mind maybe a Victorian look?” 

 

What the fuck had I gotten myself into.

 

“No, you.”

 

“Uh…maybe a white tras—”

 

“You like Goth girls, right?”

 

“...What…?”

 

“Goth girls, Jae. Pale skin, makeup, clothing that miraculously looks ‘cute’ and ‘sexy’ at the same time?”

 

Jae fidgeted in place, crossing his arms across his chest, twitching from the sensation, and then nervously bobbing his head in place ever-so-slightly, “Er…uh…I mean, I’m really more into—”

 

“Goth girl it is, then, Mr. Jeong!” The things I do for my cute friends, “I mean, it wouldn’t be that big an issue. You’re definitely not beating the weeby-simp allegations, though.” It was hard not to smile my way past the annoyance on his face through that sentence.

 

“Rich—”

 

“—Rach! Like, 'Rachel'!”

 

“Rach, you know that the only weeb between the two of us is you.”

 

“Yeah, but I bet you’d still wanna fuck an Big Tiddy Goth E-Girl Weeaboo Girlfriend with huge Mommy Milkers!”

 

“This behavior is exactly why people think we’re dating, Richard!”

 

“Chirp!”

 

“Ugh! Fine! Yes! Okay, ‘Rachel’!”

 

Jae slapped his palms over his masked-face and let out an exaggerated groan, which, tee-bee-aych, just made it more apparent how I was hashtag-winning.

 

Besides, Jae and I had talked about the girls we’d been into for years and I was already building the equipment load in my mind for a week’s worth of outfits. “That debit card is going to be melting by the time I’m finished with it, JJ babe,” I said with a played-up cockiness. 

 

Rubbing his eyes, Jae said something about “Uh, actually, I just need to sync my phone with the POS' pin pad and…” But I was already on the move to the next store.

 

***

 

September 01, 2023:

 

After the required clothes were acquired—I specifically made Jae swipe his card even though the salespeople said that his card was the type that needed to be inserted or tapped and would not work otherwise—I had Jae pay for additional-additional makeup for my look. Bidding him farewell, I told Jae the game plan: “Alrighty dear, give your gi—er, boy—the rest of the weekend to perfect his look. I promise you’ll enjoy your investment when you see it Monday morning, got it?”

 

Between soft-pretzel bites the young Mr. Jeong had the audacity to ask: “So, wait, what are you going to do about pronouns and name stuff on Monday? Are you just…going to pretend to be you but trans at school for a month?”

 

Ugh, details, “Yeah. Fine. Fuck. I hate disrespecting real trans people like that but I’m just going to have to pretend to want a vadge or something if someone asks. What the fuck are pronouns?”

 

“Like, going by she/her and stuff—how do you not know what pronouns are? Anyway, I mean, I don’t think it’s really anyone’s busin—” 

 

“As for my name…fuck. Yeah. Any ideas? I guess I’ve got major Raven energy in store or something but that seems almost too on-the-nose for a trans girl...”

 

“Maybe something that contrasts with—”

 

“Maybe just stick with ‘Rachel’? That’s got some ‘tough Goth girlfriend’ vibes, right? Actually, I like that, so let’s go with that. For sure.”

 

Jae seemed like his processor was running behind or something but he finally spoke up after I shoved his shoulder, “Oh, uh…sorry. Yeah, no. Rachel’s a cool name. It really fits you, Rich—er…Rach?”

 

I couldn’t say why but a nice little tingle tap-danced up my spine when Jae called me Rach, “Yeeeeeah, dude, Rach is totes a cute name to call your girlfriend—FAKE girlfriend, I mean...”

 

Jae brushed his damp hair off of his forehead as he got up from our food court table to toss his pretzel’s wrapping in the nearest trash bin. I knew it was going to be a very scrutinizing—who the fuck even invented that word?—four weeks so I’d stuck with a salad for my post-shoppeggedon dinner. Returning from his little trip to the trash bin, Jae showed the confusion on his face before re-donning his mask, “‘Totes’?” I heard through the muffing of his mask.

 

Jae had a habit of being just a little literal sometimes but it’s what I loved about him, “Yeah, ‘totes’, like, ‘totally’ but cuter!” I sing-songed, lifting my pitch into the same range I used to troll guys on voice chat. 

 

“Oh, yeah, right, gotcha," Jae took a nervous breath—which had the effect of making him squirm cutely. "Jeez, it’s always insane just how much you sound like a girl when you do that.”

 

Like, it was hard not to tease a guy like Jae when he said things like that. With the most saccharine sweetness I could muster I replied: “What, like, this, babe?” I threw another index finger on Jae’s chest, just to get him off balance again.

 

This time, though, my best friend grabbed my wrist mid-motion and closed the distance between us himself, bringing his mouth close to my left ear. “Yeah, like that, Rach.” 

 

Jae’s deep, dulcet tone was opened first by the warmth of his cinnamon soft-pretzel breath, weakening my defenses like a gas attack before the enemy began its ground campaign. My knees buckled for the briefest of seconds but I was determined not to falter, “Hah, yeah, sure, bro!" Reaffirming my stance, I wrapped my arms around my bestie's shoulders—causing him to twitch slightly—and moved in for some gay chicken.

 

Jae broke off before I could finish my counterattack, turned and began making his way across the mall food court for the nearest exit. He turned and—in the cheekiest of gestures—flashed me the most handsome shit-eating grin I had ever seen.

 

Had my teasing awakened a beast?

 

I felt a twitch somewhere I didn’t expect and instantly felt my cheeks flush upon realization.

 

***

September 04, 2023: 

 

Monday finally rolled around as it is wont to do (and all the little children are wont to decry).

 

Over the weekend—as I practiced my unfortunately ‘faux’ girlification—I’d noticed my hair needed actual styling, so I’d made a secret little trip to the salon to get the rough edges evened out. It had been two months without getting a trim, in fact, and I found myself feeling very particular about the mane that rode down the length of my spine. While a good trim and wash is always relaxing in its own right I found the anticipation for seeing how my dear Jae would react to my new hairdo its own joy.

 

“After all,” I reasoned to my bathroom mirror reflection, “Surprising the boyfriend with a new hairstyle is always fun!” Not that Jae was, of course, my boyfriend. For real, I mean. Still, it was always kind of fun to try and get a reaction out of him. I’d definitely never felt comfortable teasing a girl like that—women go through enough shit with men as it is, after all, and I’d gotten to know enough women through the cosplay circuit that I didn’t want to betray their trust. I took being a good ally super-DUPER-serious!  

 

It’s, like, why I always made sure to eat a girl out before I penetrated her!

 

I was beyond thankful that I’d managed bangs. I’d been worried for the past few years that I wouldn’t always be able to maintain bangs thanks to the affects testosterone tended to have on the body. Luckily, even with my slightly…off…forehead I was still able to pull off the look I’d wanted: using my long, blonde hair to cover the left side of my face. I enjoyed the mystique of the look and it’d always done me well for my Shirona cosplay. Combined with the loose [copyrightable band graphic tee] and baggy black jeans I felt like I’d captured what I’d wanted to for the first day of this little ‘transition’: casually Goth, in a sort of girl way, without being insanely girl.

 

Well, putting aside the heavy makeup and accessories. I had been very taken with fully transformative makeup styles of a certain influencer I had spotted on Insta. Through makeup alone they had managed to completely transform their face—which, like, I totes wanted to make sure I captured—and even if it meant drawing a little attention to myself it was definitely something I’d been really interested in trying out. I knew exactly how I wanted to play off the character of Rachel, giving her an almost ethereal appearance to be supported by a surprisingly bubbly personality. I knew that was key to knocking folks off balance, for sure. I didn’t want to rock the boat so much early on, so I knew that I wanted my clothing to ultimately remain within the school regulations.

 

Not to go on a tangent in the first person, of course, but those regulations are such bullshit. I’ve seen far too many girls get ill from heat exhaustion just because they weren’t allowed to wear supposedly ‘distracting’ clothes that revealed—lé fuckin’ gasp—skin. The way men dictate how women dress with their victim-blaming attitudes toward women has always annoyed me, especially as I’ve gotten closer to women in the cosplay community.   

 

Armor equipped, I slipped quietly down stairs and past my folks—both lawyers—and wished them a good day as I slipped out the door without being seen. Jae, parked—as always—in his shitty Hyundai Kona, looked more than a little shocked by my transformation as I crammed all 6’1’’ of me into his passenger seat. 

 

“You like?” I couldn’t tell you why I felt so nervous. I know that I didn’t typically enter casual company showing my interest in makeup and costumes but even in just this really casual outfit I felt strangely naked, so I held onto my messenger bag tightly for reassurance. 

 

“Holy shit, how much makeup did you have to use?” I could tell Jae was genuinely shocked in an “I’m so impressed” way, which was a relief.

 

I did my best to hide my insecurity, “Like—uh…I spent more on practicing over the weekend than actually doing it this morning.”

 

Jae placed his right hand on his gear stick and switched it into reverse to back out of my driveway but I could tell he was taken back, despite the steadiness in his deep voice, “God, that cutesy voice is kind of unsettling with that look.”

 

Sensing his confidence flailing I took my shot and leaned across to his right ear and whispered: “That’s the point, honey.”

 

A twitch in his slacks’ crotch landed in the corner of my eye’s field of vision and I couldn’t help but giggle as a nefarious plan birthed in my mind like a new galaxy, “Heeeey, babe, turn this way.”

 

The poor bastard never saw it coming as I landed a kiss on his lips. They tasted like toothpaste. Jae flew back so quickly he hit the handgrip with the back of his head, “Fuck!”

 

I couldn’t help but burst into a shrieking giggle, “OH EMM GEE, dude, you should see how stupid you look right now!”

 

For his part, Jae was handling it fairly well for Jae Jeong, “Holy SHIT, Rich—I—what the fuck was that?”

 

Now, I’m not queer, but there’s just something so cute about seeing my bestie so darned worked-up, so—still leaning over in my seat towards him—I angled just enough so that Jae would get a look down my collar at my cleavage. I was quite happy to wear this cute, frilly purple bra and I was curious if he would react. I’d known from years of talking about the girls we liked that we were both Hashtag-Men-of-Culture when it came to lingerie, “Notice anything you like?” I asked, making sure to move my purple-coated lips as carefully and sensually as possible. I'd spent the whole weekend working on my facial expressions in the mirror. “Also, like, call me Rach, not Rich, I don’t want anyone thinking I’m pretending to be trans!”

 

Rubbing the back of his head Jae countered, “Wait, aren’t you pretending to be trans?”

 

“That’s besides the point, SWEETIE!”

 

Wearing a face that could have been interpreted as ‘constipated’, Jae returned to backing out of my driveway and onto the street. After a moment’s silence—and without even turning toward me—he added “Nice bra.”

 

I knew a mischievous giggle was enough to deal him psychic damage.

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

We arrived at school moments later, butterflies having made a fine home in my stomach. The rest of the drive there had been uneventful, although I had struggled not to just turn to him and grin the biggest, dumbest grin ever.

 

I had been called a faggot for so many years, and always tried to not let it bother me, but somehow even just getting to pretend that I was as queer as I have been, like, perceived all these years was exciting. A pang of guilt laid under the surface of my glee, but I didn’t want to think about it. I was pretending to be trans, and attracted to men, so I should actually let myself seem like I was enjoying it, right?

 

The student parking lot was littered with other students, both exiting their cars and chatting up a storm before the first period of the day.

 

I honestly loved this time of the year in Washington because the weather was akin to summer still, so despite the calm of the sleepy morning there was a still-rising sun that backlit the world and its inhabitants. The outline of Jae's bangs were painted gold, depending on the angle, and it made me want to watch him as he walked around the front of his Kona to join me by my side. 

 

"S'not too late to back out, Ri—Rach," he whispered, joining me in leaning against his shitty Kona that were we both much too tall for. I couldn't believe how clear his deep voice could sound, even as a whisper.

 

I also couldn't believe how sweet he was even after all my teasing.

 

I was, however, resolved. Placing my studiously manicured hands on his shoulder—I quite enjoyed the alternating purple and black nails I had painted over the weekend—I replied with the vocal version of a spring in my step: "Babe, we're doing this. I'm doing this. You're, like, my bestie-best-best friend—and I've asked you to risk expulsion for me way too many times. The least I can do is pretend to be your girlfriend for a month. Besides, there's a whole fuckin' crowd of horny teenagers staring at me, there's no backing out now."

 

JJ looked convinced enough with a quick glance at our surroundings. "Oh, jeez…"

 

"Plant your flag, babe," I whispered.

 

"Wha—?"

 

"Kiss me so nobody else tries asking me ou—"

 

Jae didn't need me to finish the sentence and closed the gap between our bodies without a second thought. As his toothpaste lips melted into mine—I made sure to apply a cute grape-flavored gloss—I could feel his chest flatten my baggy tee-shirt and connect with mine. With great mental fortitude I stopped myself from flinching—growing breasts were always sensitive—and leaned into the kiss. At 6'1'' I was a good inch taller than my pretend-boyfriend but the kiss wasn't too uncomfortable. Really, I just wish he would have wrapped his arms around my back—to stabilize me, of course.

 

The kiss eventually ended and as we parted I felt a pang of disappointment. Much to my chagrin I heard a whistle coming from what direction I knew not. 

 

"Sorry, Rach," Jae, his usual sweet self, apologized for the scene. His face looked a little pained, but I wasn’t quite sure why.

 

Instead of replying I took his hand in mine, crossed our fingers, and had him walk me to class.

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

Word travels fast in high school, especially when the ‘definitely faggy’—not my words, I swear—straight guy comes to school one day clearly presenting as a girl.

 

A girl with a boyfriend.

 

It certainly hadn't occurred to me how embarrassing it would be to hear and see so many people…perceiving me. It was a real drag, really, because I honestly hadn't ever felt so comfortable with how I looked while at school before and the weird stares and…interest in me was honestly just bizarre. I had to wonder if this was how real trans people felt when they first came out?

 

Luckily, my teachers either responded with indifference or happiness for me after I 'came out' to them before class began. I think they were used to my occasional…crossdressing. Like, it was never major stuff—just a school girl uniform, or skinny jeans and a v-neck—but it was enough to make them used to my behavior. It had honestly made things a lot easier to go along with for me, too. All I had to do was let the teachers do the bulk of the work.

 

Traversing the halls was a different story altogether, though. Jae escorted me between classes—we were lucky to have so many together—and I was honestly very grateful. Dozens of students looked at me with a mix of confusion, thinly disguised judgment, and disinterest. A few bright looks from actually queer kids lightened our path. 

 

I guess my mental image of Jae had always been 'aloof elite nerd who is too burned out to try' but when he noticed my right hand shaking as we passed between first period and second—he took it and locked our fingers together, just as I had done on the march to first period. It wasn't any word spoken or any look given…but by the strength, warmth and softness of his left hand I could feel him telling me that it was going to be alright.

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

"Are you okay in there?" Jae asked, whispering into the girl's restroom. I didn't know how to break it to him that the echo made whispering in a public lavatory pointless. He was being such a good fake-boyfriend while his fake-girl girlfriend was touching up her makeup before lunch. 

 

"Almost finished, hon," I squeaked out. My poker face was a proud attribute of mine but I could tell that my nerves were affecting my pitch control. 

 

Jae and I had spent the day trying to avoid being mobbed by our classmates and other students. When it finally came time for me to have to use a restroom Jae snuck me over to a part of the school rarely used. I still wasn’t sure if I was being appropriate by using the girls' room—I personally found gendered restrooms to be, like, archaic—but for the time being I was just happy to be getting some peace and quiet.

 

I did think that it was bullshit that the girls' room got two extra stalls while the boys' room had three fucking urinals instead, though.

 

With my makeup retouched I took a deep breath, looked at my reflection in the mirror and said: "You got this, Rachel!"

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

"Wow, so, like, how long have you known?" Gloria Rembrant asked. I had a hard time understanding the tone of her voice.

 

Jae and I had planned on just eating lunch alone, like we usually did, but wouldn't you know, I was drawing a crowd.

 

Well, at least it was good for the cover.

 

"Uh, like, a couple of years. Sixth grade, really."

 

"Woooow," Gloria exaggerated, "That must have been, like, soooo hard!"

 

I could tell what the bitch was doing—trying to mock me in front of her weirdly classist friends—and their played-up reactions were annoying in their own right. 

 

"So, are you two going to hang out with the other gay kids?" Chad McChadley slipped in, thinly veiled self-satisfied grins forming on the other teens' faces.

 

"Uh, I'm not gay, Chad," Jae defended, "Rachel’s a woman and I didn't develop any feelings for her until she told me she was." Jae had a nervousness to his facial expression that I couldn’t really read. With how we were both surrounded I could only guess that he was afraid that we would be hate crimed or something.

 

That would be ironic. 

 

I figured I had to slip something in before anyone else asked, "I'm not gay, either. Liking my boyfriend is straight." I know I didn’t have to stress the boyfriend part but doing so always made me giggle uncontrollably, which I figured was good for the cover story. I'd have mentioned I was bisexual, too, but I'd never heard of a trans woman being into women before, so I decided to stay mum so as to not break the illusion.

 

"Aww, how sweet," judging by the tone of her voice, Gloria was probably being sarcastic, if I was to believe how Jae described her voice when she was being sarcastic, but I couldn’t really tell. I also wanted to avoid conflict, so I just wore a soft smile, kept my eyes open wide to show that I was paying attention, and just hoped that I didn’t say anything stupid before this entire conversation was over.

 

"So, who pitches and who catches?" Lacy Shore snickered.

 

Moment of truth, "Uh…he does? I really don't like my—"

 

"That’s none of your business, Lacy," Jae interjected. I don't know why but it was a hell of a relief. "Rachel doesn't go around asking you about what you do with your genitals, so don't ask what she does with hers!" 

 

I was kind of floored by Jae's obvious irritation with the line of questioning. He normally wasn't the type for confrontations—not that it wasn't making him, like, infinitely cooler in my eyes. The deep range and aggressive edge to his voice really gave it a barking edge to it. I didn't dislike it. It was actually really, really cool. God, he would probably be a great boyfriend for a real girl someday. 

 

"Jeez, okay, just relax, faggot, I was jus—" before I knew it I was up, forcing my way through the crowd of rich assholes to towards the exit before I slapped her fillings out of her mouth. Jae caught up with me shortly after, as I stood outside his car, trying to calm myself.

 

His strong embrace made it hard not to break down and cry.

 

It was getting easier and easier to cry these days.

 

I decided to do the easy thing and cry.

 

My boyfriend guided me into his car so I could safely bawl with a little more volume.

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

Lunch was surely over by now but as I stared at the ceiling of Jae's car from my reclined position I didn't really care.

 

Finally, I noticed the similarly reclined Jae on his right side, gazing at me like I was a waterfall or something.

 

"Hey, hon."

 

"Hey, Rach."

 

A moment passed before either one of us spoke again, "I'm sorry I'm playing your girlfriend so…controversially."

 

"I like your performance just fine, Rach," Jae reassured, cracking just the faintest of grins. 

 

I don't know what I did to deserve such a good friend.

 

It almost made me want him to be my real boyfriend. 

 

Too bad I wasn't bisexual.

 

Ugh, it was too bad that I wasn’t a bisexual girl.

 

Jae took my left hand with his right and locked fingers with me again. It was kind of becoming our 'thing'.

 

I liked having a 'thing' with him.

 

"I'm sorry your tranny girlf—fake-girlfriend—is making you look gay, Jae."

 

"Glad to see you can still rhyme on a dime, Rach," he mugged.

 

This fucking dork. Rubbing the tears from my eyes—eyeliner smearing on my cheeks and hands be damned—I sat up, then leaned over and kissed my fake-boyfriend on the lips. This time, he didn't flinch. "Cheeky little brat," I playfully admonished in the huskiest femme voice I could muster after crying my eyes out in a shitty Kona.

 

Well, I did like the Bluetooth and on-screen title display.

 

"Oh, I'm the cheeky one?" Jae laughed, "If I didn't know better I'd say you are the cheeky one, always trying to get me flustered with how hot you are."

 

I nearly guffawed, "I? Me? Uh…I'm just trying to get you used to having such a sexy-hot girlfriend, Mr. Jeong!!"

 

I could see the twinkle in his eye and really did want to just push him some more.

 

"Is that so, bro?" He mocked. Bastard knew what he was doing and I could do nothing to stop him.

 

Well, women didn't win their right to vote because they let men stop them.

 

"Yeah, that's right," I giggled, leaning back down for another kiss. It's like Jae said last Friday: it's not gay when I look like a girl!

 

Jae broke from my lips again after a good eleven seconds of kissing, "Well then," he droned, "I am the man in the relationship. If I'm to be a proper feminist I really should be letting you take the lead when it comes to chaste displays of affection."

 

Where was this smooth motherfucker coming from? "Oh? Does that mean I should let you take the lead on sexy displays of affection?"

 

Jae replied by looking down at my breasts dangling over him, loosely visible in my baggy tee-shirt. Then he shot me a cheeky grin, flashing his pearly whites.

 

Beside myself, I lightly tapped his cheek, "Perv."

 

His light, hearty giggle was honestly really cute.

 

"But no, really, thank you so, so much for everything you're doing, Rich."

 

"Rach."

 

"I mean, it's only the two—"

 

"Babe, I don't want to drop character," I said. I really didn't, I was feeling more alive pretending to be Jae's girlfriend than I ever did being the loser friend who paid his way through a friendship just to avoid doing his own homework and because it let him have Jae as a friend without truly opening up to him.

 

"Oh, yeah, no problem…” Jae cleared his throat and looked me straight in the eyes, “Listen, Rach, I mean it: you're the best friend a guy can have."

 

"And you only had to get called a faggot to get me."

 

"Come on, Rachel, fuck those guys. I don't care about them at all."

 

"They’ll be calling you a faggot for the rest of the school year…"

 

"People have been calling me a faggot ever since I met you, you bimbo!"

 

I burst into giggles at my boyfriend’s point. It was sweet, especially knowing that Jae's folks owned a chain of sporting goods stores those rich pricks would still have to use to get their golf shit at, or whatever the fuck sport rich people played. Well, might as well pay him back anyway.

 

I took Jae's hand and put it on one of my breasts, "Cool, huh? You can thank me after you pick your jaw off the floor," I whispered smugly.

 

Then Jae squeezed and I flinched.

 

"Oh shit, babe, are you okay?" Concern permeated through every pore on Jae's face, as if it was rising to the surface from the depths of his body. Jae swiftly retracted his hand but I grabbed him at the wrist.

 

"It’s okay, JJ," I huffed, catching my breath, "They're just still sensitive. It means they're growing."

 

"Oh." I couldn't read him. Jae shot his gaze to the side for a brief moment, but I decided to press forward.

 

"Oh? What, does the idea of me with bigger breasts turn you on, big guy?" Grabbing the swelling force in his slacks seemed a bit too inappropriate, even if we had been doing some pretty weird gay shit—for the cover story. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder how his cock compared to all the cute cocks I'd seen in trans porn.

 

Not that I was a chaser or anything.

 

"No, no, I mean…like…if I had a girlfriend—if you had a girlfriend, wouldn't you want her to have big breasts, too?"

 

I could see his point, but…"I mean, I don’t really dislike small breasts, but I also get what you mean. Like, if you had to have breasts they might as well be, like, big…right? Anyway…” I let my voice trail off for a moment, “Honestly, I just wanted to see you flustered again, which you are, my good sir." It was hard not to just peck him on the lips again, so I did.

 

"God, you're an amazing girlfriend, Rach."

 

"And you're an amazing boyfriend, Jae." I don't know why I didn't say add in 'fake' before 'boyfriend', but it felt like it would have just ruined the mood. 

 

"We should probably get back to class, babe," Jae offered, using his right hand to rub the small of my back. God, that felt good for some reason.

 

"Oh shit, yeah, for sure. Lemme just fix my makeup real quick!"

 

I could see Jae's wide grin in his rear mirror as I checked my makeup and I couldn’t help but smile back.

 

***

 

September 04, 2023: 

 

Thankfully our third period teacher didn't rip us to pieces or tell our parents we were late to class, leading me to imagine he had gotten word about the scene in the cafeteria. Murmurs followed us for the rest of our day, both about the scene in the cafeteria and rumors of what we were doing afterward. I drowned them out as best I could but it was still a challenge.

 

Jae drove me home after school, as usual, but this time with our fingers linked once again. Sure, our palms were getting sweaty from holding each others’ hands so much, but it was nice to feel his body. It almost felt like I could feel his blood circulation or his heart beat through the small gesture.  

 

After we parked in my driveway I gave Jae a glance, “My folks won’t be back from the firm for a few more hours. Wanna come up to my room?”

 

I knew Jae typically spent any time he wasn’t with me staring at his bedroom ceiling or jacking off, but I kind of got the sense he was feeling very protective, so I invited him to at least do the former with my bedroom ceiling. It would’ve been cuter if I’d been his actual girlfriend. “Yeah, sure.”

 

Once in my bedroom I’d considered stripping my makeup but I was also kind of afraid of having ‘the boyfriend’ see me without any, so I did a quick touch-up and revised my makeup for a less bold, dark look and then dived into my walk-in closet to get changed. 

 

Now, I understand that ‘boy shorts’ are often used for girls—it’s a weirdly, like, gendered name to choose for fucking shorts of all things—but I’d always enjoyed how these jean shorts dug just slightly into my thighs. I changed out of my sweaty bra and tee into a more fashionable frilly pink romper I’d picked up over the weekend for some potential cross-dressing for my Instagram. It was kind of funny seeing how well it clung to and around and highlighted my tiny tits but also felt weirdly reassuring. I exited my closet to find Jae on my bed, staring at his phone.

 

“You like?” I giggled, hoping to wash the day’s anxieties away with some more teasing.

 

“R-Rach…”

 

He wasn’t biting. Ugh. “Yeah, babe?”

 

Gosh, he looked so serious, “Rach, are you sure you aren’t trans?”

 

This silliness again, “Like, Mr. Jeong. Jae. Fuck, listen, it’s not possible. I like having a big ol’ cock. I literally can’t be trans. And I like girls!”

 

“...why would you even think trans girls have to be straight?”

 

“Because! Like, it’s that way in all the TV shows? Like, the ones with real trans women playing trans characters.”

 

“...h-have you not Googled this before?” Okay, now Jae was beginning to worry me.

 

“What the heck do you mean?” I plopped down on the bed and leaned against my wall, snug with Jae. The glance he shot me was so cute, like a boy trying not to get horny over his girlfriend’s dress…oh.

 

Jae handed me his phone. It was a Reddit thread talking about sexuality. 

 

…so, apparently transbians were a thing.

 

My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and suddenly I could feel the warmth of Jae’s body even more as he leaned over to type on his phone while still in my death grip. I knew estrogen would make me feel cold all the time but the proximity to Jae was like sitting next to a furnace. My heart was threatening to punch its way out of my chest. Gawd, that would ruin my breasts, which, I know a cis guy shouldn’t care about but—oh my fucking GAWSH!

 

Jae opened a thread from several months ago. Girls were asking if it was normal to have a lack of bottom dysphoria. 

 

Apparently it wasn’t nearly as impossible as I’d thought.

 

“I don’t really know the ethics of doing this sort of thing, Rach. I…kind of just…wanted to…understand things better.”

 

It took all my strength to peel my eyes away from the phone screen to look Jae in his eyes, “W-what do you mean?”

 

“Well, I don’t think I’m into men, Rach. I mean, it’s complicated for me? You know? But, like, that’s besides the point! I could tell you were looking different and…acting different the last few months. I couldn’t figure out why I was so attracted to you. But now…I think I have a better idea. It’s like…you’ve suddenly come to life?”

 

Tears welled up in my eyes and god, I was kicking myself for ruining my makeup for a second time that day. “Babe—Jae, listen, I…I don’t…I mean…even if…oh fucking hell!” I don’t remember when I did it, but I had retracted my legs up close to my body, so I fed my face to my knees and bawled.

 

I was having a hell of a day. 

 

A large, warm right hand began rubbing my back. I might have cried even louder in response, but in a way that felt good to scream out.

 

After about thirty minutes of silence my dear Mr. Jeong spoke again, “Hey…so…like…Rachel…I…”

 

God, it felt so good not just to be called Rachel but to not be called that other name.

 

Yeah, that probably meant something.

 

“Jae…wait…a sec,” I huffed, hopping off my bed to grab some tissue to clean my face up. I checked my makeup, fixed it up real quick, and crashed back on my bed, laid my head on Jae’s lap so I could stare up at his face. “Hey,” I said, my voice dry.

 

“Hey,” gosh, I could feel the vibrations from the bass in his voice. He looked so amazing, looking down on me. There was still some concern in his eyes but I still loved his soft, kind smile. God, I wanted to obliterate his concerns. I raised my right hand and touched his cheek. Peering into his deep, dark eyes, I said something I was hoping I would never regret: “Never call me that other name again.”

 

“Rachel?” he replied flatly.

 

“No, the other one.”

 

“You mean ‘Rachel’?” he replied, a hint of glee in his voice.

 

I couldn’t help but tap his cheek, “Bad boy!” I kind of liked the feel of slight stubble against my hands. I’d never liked it on my face and had been using whatever at-home remedies I could to keep mine from growing for a few years now. Part of the reason I’d started HRT was because I heard it could stop body hair from growing, for which I was eternally thankful. I would have to keep extremely on-top of it until I could get electrolysis. Besides, I much more enjoyed facial hair on a man like Jae.

 

I couldn’t help but let out a giggle over the thought of men as something separate from myself. 

 

“I’m sorry I put you through all this, Rach,” he whispered. God, I loved it when he called me by my name. 

 

“No, babe,” gosh, I really was treating him like he was my boyfriend or something, “I’m thankful. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.” It sounds sappy, but I withdrew my right hand from his cheek and linked our hands and fingers again with my right hand, “Kiss me—and don’t worry, it’s—”

 

“Straight?” he mugged.

 

“Gosh, you dor—”

 

Jae cut me off with what was probably the best kiss of my life. I don’t know how he managed it from such an angle but I was so, so grateful. I wanted him so bad, the longer the kiss went on.

 

Fuck, his back had to have been hurting from bending downward like that.

 

Holy fuck, was that tongue? Oh fuck, that felt amazing.

 

Then my cock twitched and a flood of worries ruined the mood. I broke the kiss and rocketed into an upright position, covering my crotch before it made a tent in my romper.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Jae responded. 

 

“I—I’m so sorry, Jae, I—”

 

“Rach, it’s okay. Really. I…would never ask you to be ashamed of your body. Never.”

 

“B-but…like, you’re not…and…oh God, I just want to be your—but you—” the tears were coming down again. God, I was getting dehydrated.

 

“Rach. Stop. Please,” why was he so fucking calm? Jae’s soft voice was so reassuring but I still couldn’t help but swell up with anxiety.

 

“But I—I mean, goddamn it!”

 

“Rachel!” Jae shouted, snapping me from my downward spiral, “It’s too late to talk like that. I fucking love you. As far as I’m concerned you’re not my fake-girlfriend, you’re my real-girlfriend!”

 

I wasn’t used to so much…adoration? “Gawd Jae, I…I just want you to be my real-boyfriend,” I couldn’t believe this was how I was coming to terms with being bisexual. I hugged my oldest, closest friend tight, making sure not to poke him with my erection.

 

“I am your boyfriend, silly,” he whispered into my ear. I couldn’t believe how confident he sounded. It was embarrassing to admit but the bass of his low rumble was just turning me on more.

 

I pulled my head off his shoulder, sniffled, and got a better look at his facial expression with my one not-covered-by-hair eye, “I am?” I asked, unsure. I was so happy my pitch wasn’t dropping amid all the crying.

 

“Duh, bimbo,” he reassured with a shit-eating grin. 

 

I laughed, reassured that Jae still saw me as his dear friend with…eccentric tastes, “Thanks, babe. Gawd, like, I really love you.”

 

“I love you too, Rach,” I don’t think I’d ever noticed how kind Jae’s eyes were before. I couldn’t help but kiss him again.

 

It was growing harder and harder to avoid the giant erection in my pants. Even though I was on HRT I had done everything that I could to maintain size and function down there—including the use of certain pharmaceuticals. Now a tiny piece of me was beginning to regret it. I never thought I’d be dating a man, let alone a—maybe—straight man. Surely he wouldn’t want to see or touch…that.

 

Sniffing, I decided not to cry about it again, and turned my attention back to Jae.

 

“Babe, listen, about my…cock…”

 

Jae cut me off with another peck, “Rachel, how about I take you on a few dates before we discuss the possibility of me blowing you in the movie theater.”

 

This fucking dork, “Goddamn it,” I cracked-up. 

 

“It’s like I said, ma’am” Jae whispered into my ear, knowing exactly how to play me like a fiddle, “I’m never going to let you feel bad about your body ever again.”

 

Fuck, I wanted him so bad.

 

“Okay, SIR,” I giggled, “I…I believe you.”

 

And I did believe him.

 

A few moments later I found my head back on his lap, looking up at MY BOYFRIEND. Finally, I asked the question I’d been dreading this whole time, “...does this mean I have to start doing my own homework again?”

 

“Yes.”

 

TO BE CONTINUED