I often think back to those halcyon days, when Jae and I were in the eighth grade and I was just beginning to get into makeup and fashion. My otherness—not being like the ‘other boys’—had won me but one friend in elementary school, but still, with Jae by my side I learned to not take the malice of immature children to heart. 

 

Instead of paying attention in class I would surf the web for makeup and fashion tips. I quickly found myself bored with most ‘mens’ fashion’, preferring to look at cute fashion ‘for women’. I never understood the desire to gatekeep which gender wore what, but the older I’d gotten—passing through middle and then into high school—the more I felt the agonizing pain of realizing a shirt or a dress wouldn’t fit on my body the same as it would those fashion models. Or my female classmates.

 

I remembered the existential dread I felt the first time I bought makeup in the eighth grade, made a mess of my face, wept it all off, then tried again. Again and again and again. Then, one day, the beast got a morsel of victory and began to crave it all the more.

 

Ninth grade was the first time I’d managed to pull off a convincing cosplay of a female character. I remembered walking around the empty house for hours, just sitting in any room, in my Shirona cosplay, enjoying being able to do mundane things looking like anyone but him. I did this for weeks on end after school, until one day Jae Jeong, my best friend, discovered my ‘crossdressing’ secret. 

 

Looking back now, I don’t think he was very surprised.

 

Which was fine. 

 

Jae had always been by my side, and always would be. 

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

“The Anthem” by Sagisu Shirou blared from my phone. The light of the lock screen—a selfie taken last night of me and my boyfriend resting on my bed—reflected onto my face. The triumphant theme music was the jolt to the heart I always needed in the morning to get myself up. I knew what time it was without even looking at the photo. It was 5AM, which left me with about two hours to shower, shave and do my makeup.

 

I normally hate waking up so early but the funny thing was…that had changed after last night. Any time I thought about it I could feel a massive weight now missing from my chest. It felt so oddly refreshing, like buying a new pair of shoes after wearing the same pair for a year until your sock started touching the pavement. Finally, after all these years of mixed feelings I could never put into words they were all just…gone. All because…

 

I opened my phone to double check my Discord DMs. My boyfriend had sent me a selfie after I had fallen asleep last night—which was quite late considering the excitement of the previous day—but it had been a good sleep now rewarded with a good awakening. We weren’t at the point in the relationship where we were sending nudes or anything but I definitely enjoyed his dorky attempt at taking a ‘cool’ selfie. 

 

“You dork lol,” I replied, “I can’t wait to see u in 2 hrs hehehe ♥♥♥”

 

With my reply sent I forced myself out of my comfy bed and stumbled my way to my bathroom for a shower. 

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

At ten-minutes-before Seven I double checked my hair—a single ponytail with just enough left up front to cover my left eye somewhat mysteriously. Technically, one might say that the choice of hair style clashed with the rest of my look for the day but the hairstyle had become my signature since I began growing out my hair in eighth grade and I felt a need to maintain the look. 

 

In the not-too-far distance I could hear my boyfriend’s car idling in the driveway and I didn’t want to keep him waiting for too long. I felt lighter on my feet than I had felt since elementary school, which is funny to think considering I’d already been feeling pretty good since this past summer. It was kind of hilarious in hindsight: I’d been suffering from gender dysphoria for so long I had just assumed everyone had this weird void in them they were always looking to fill. After yesterday, though…I definitely felt a lot fuller.

 

Probably helps that my tits were looking awesome that morning, much to my surprise. I was wearing a pink button up beneath a nice green sweater I had picked up from the mall over the weekend when it caught my eye. For bottoms, I’d struggled between a nice, lengthy black skirt and jeans, but ultimately went with the jeans because the mere thought of having to deal with a skirt in a public restroom was too exhausting to simply think about.

 

I know that I’d sort of planned on crafting ‘Rachel’ as this sort of Goth girlfriend but now that Rachel wasn’t a separate persona but rather a piece of myself I was beginning to realize that I—Rachel Penn—was in fact a woman of many different sides.

 

Tuesday just felt like a librarian kind of day.

 

I slipped down the stairs as usual and called out with my ‘guy voice’ “I’m leaving” to my parents—who were still very much not in-the-know about my recent transition—and dashed out the back door. It was quickly becoming tradition for my parents to just not see me but I really didn’t want to begin to explain why I was going to school dressed as a girl to them. They’d been called to the school office more than enough times for me getting into fights with other kids calling me ‘faggot’, I wasn’t quite sure how to explain to them now that all those pleas of not being queer were, in fact, not true.

 

As lawyers who ran their own law firm—Two Cents Law or something rather—my parents spent most of their time at the firm, for which I was eternally grateful. I just…wasn’t really read to, like, explain the whole bisexual thing to them.

 

Sliding into my boyfriend’s shitty Hyundai Kona. After making sure to straighten out my skirt—wait, that’s right, I’d decided to go with jeans—I leaned to my left to kiss my boyfriend hello.

 

“Seat Belt, babe—New look?” Jae asked, as he backed out of the driveway.

 

I clicked it to save my boyfriend a ticket, “Why don’t you just back into my driveway, babe—but yeah, I wanted to try something new,” I mused. I was a little concerned that after using my guy voice a moment earlier I wouldn’t be able to switch back to my regular voice, but luckily shouting in my guy voice still required me to use similar muscles. Switching between voices never used to be something I was anxious about but when I had woken up today I’d woken up in an entirely new world. I could tell my ironic indifference to things was not going to work for me anymore.

 

“It’s cute,” Jae said like a hum. “Chaste librarian?”   

 

“That or All-American girl, I guess,” I said with my head turned to Jae so I could watch his face. I could smell his after-shave. It was minty. Gawd, he made me so…

 

“Yeah, kinda reminds me of whats-her-face. The girl you ‘dated’ in eighth grade. Chase?”

 

I couldn’t not groan out loud at the mention of that name, “Oh gosh, Chase Avery Mann? Don’t remind me.”

 

I could practically hear my boyfriend’s smirk forming, “What, I thought you liked Chase Avery Mann? Didn’t she help you with your makeup?”

 

“Oh, hush, you. You know damned well she inserted herself into my life after she caught me browsing makeup styles on my phone during third period Social Studies. Gawd, has it really been four years already?”     

 

“Afraid so, babe. Besides, I think she had a crush on you since seventh grade when she saw you running in PE.”

 

“Gawd hon, that bitch had to have been a chaser. I run like a retarded girl!”

 

Out of the corner of my eye I caught Jae wince, “You are a girl,” my boyfriend countered, taking a strained, self-satisfied tone, “You kiss like one, too!”

 

If the smug bastard hadn’t been driving I’d’ve shoved his shoulder, “Hush, you!”

 

“If she’s a chaser then I guess it’s a good thing she moved away after middle school then, isn’t it?”

 

“Thank fuck,” I agreed. “Gawd, all I’d need is for her to move back here and get a look at me now!”

 

Jae put his right hand on my knee, which caught my eye. It felt amazing having his bigger, warmer hand on my body. I’d noticed how much more comfortable I felt in skinny jeans when I had bought my first pair in freshman year and Jae’s strong grip sort of reminded me of that same feeling of being swaddled.

 

Jae began casually rubbing my inner thigh, unintentionally eliciting a feeling in my groin I didn’t quite understand. Sexual desire and arousal felt so different on HRT. I loved it.

 

Jae rescinded his hand so as to turn into the student parking lot.

 

I grabbed my knee to try and keep his warmth.

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

Fifth period drew familiar eyes looking at my unfamiliar sights as my boyfriend and I entered the classroom as nonchalantly as possible. Apparently switching up my style between school days was an effective way to keep the hype machine going since my coming out. Against Jae’s more ‘slacker’ style of a loose graphic tee and baggy, ripped jeans (how 1990s!) I suppose I looked a lot more innocent to his mildly ‘bad boy’ aesthetic. Oh well, all I really cared about was feeling comfortable in my own clothes, which I did.

 

Nevertheless, I bet Jae would look fantastic in a suit. If he got to dress me up then perhaps I could do the same? Something not too hard to, like, rip off of him, though, ‘cause I’m sure I’d wanna push him down and—

 

A raised, but calm voice snapped me from my fantasies, “Alright class, settle down,” the teacher commanded, “Today we have a returning student that some of you might recognize…”

 

My heart sank as I remembered the precise, exacting rhythm of the heels entering the classroom from the hall. I could recognize those horrifying steps anywhere. I think Jae might’ve even audibly heard me gulp upon the figure at the front of the class taking her place in front of the whiteboard. Taking one of the whiteboard dry erase markers in hand the young woman wrote her name in perfectly legible draftsmanship. 

 

“Hello again to many of you and hello for the first time to some of you! My name is Chase Avery Mann, I can’t wait to enjoy the school year with you all.”

 

My heart sank. I did my best to look unrecognizable. I just hoped nobody would deadname me so that she wouldn’t know it was me, her supposed eighth grade ‘boyfriend’—gawd, that shit makes me want to vomit even to think about now—because if she did she would doubtlessly annoy the hell out of me for the rest of the school year.

 

But in my hubris I had Forgotten.

 

As Chase Avery Mann walked down the rows to her seat next to Jae Jeong—meaning Jae was now sitting between her and I—Chase Avery Mann turned to Jae and whispered, “Oh hi there Jae, long time no see!”

 

I was transferring all of my genki to my boyfriend in hopes that he wouldn’t spill the beans, “Oh, hi Chase. How have y—”

 

“Speaking of which, Jae, where’s Richie?” 

 

I slipped deeper down my chair—a feat none would have expected possible of a 6’1’’ woman. 

 

Moment of truth time. I could tell how Jae was feeling by the bouncing of his legs, “Oh, y’know,” Jae I swear to GAWD if you can read my mind right now I will blow you so hard if you don’t tell her about me. “We, uh, don’t really hang—”

 

From clear across the classroom the universe’s most devastating cock-blocker interjected, “Oh, Richard Penn? He’s the FINE YOUNG LADY sitting to Jae’s left!”

 

Gloria Rembrant had just earned herself a permanent spot on my shitlist.

 

“Ms. Rembrant, must I remind you of the school’s policy against—” our teacher’s droning was immediately cut off by the squealing coming from Chase Avery Mann’s mouth, “OH EMM GEE, RICHIE-POO, IS THAT YOU?” The teacher looked completely disinterested before turning back to the whiteboard to write whatever he had started writing. 

 

Hearing my deadname was making me nauseous, so I decided to go on the offensive, “Hiiiiiiiiii Chase,” I droned, “Uh…my name’s Rachel now.” End me.

 

The lust present in Chase Avery Mann’s eyes spoke for itself. Even just a glance into their bright, blue abysses made me feel uneasy. “Oh,” her voice was suddenly soft now, almost quiet, “Is that so?” Christ, someone just please take me out back and pull the trigger already.

 

“Ms. Mann, if you would please take your seat…” To be fair, if I got paid as little as this guy I’d sound like I was suicidal, too.

 

Oh, wait—I was.

 

“Oh, yessir!”

 

Chase Avery Mann took her seat, neatened her desk, and put on the brightest smile anyone had ever seen.

 

I dodged quick glances from the girl for the rest of the fifth period. 

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

Sixth Period remained mostly uneventful, allowing me and Jae to sneak away to his car for lunch. 

 

“Gawd, why me?” I bemoaned.

 

“Gloria’s a real bitch for outing you like that,” Jae half-growled, joining me in a reclined position.

 

The ceiling of his car was becoming a familiar sight.

 

“I swear to fuckin’ gawd if she tells my parents…”

 

“Wait, why haven’t you told your folks yet?” Jae turned his gaze to me as he spoke and I could only remain chained in the chastity belt of his warm, caring eyes.

 

“Ugh…I’m just not ready yet. Like, they’re always at their firm and I just don’t even have a close relationship with them, anyway. Like, what the fuck am I even going to say? ‘Sorry mom and dad, looks like I’m your daughter now!’”

 

“I mean…” Jae reached over with his left and cupped my right cheek, “I don’t think it’ll be too big a surprise. They’ve been asked to come to the school to talk about your…bully problems for years, right? And they’ve seen how androgynous even your male cosplay styles look, right?”

 

Good grief, I hated being challenged, “Ugh. Yeah. Still. It’s just…I don’t know.”

 

Concern washed over Jae’s face as it contorted with a sort of sadness and pain, “Rach, I’m your best friend and your boyfriend. I can’t make you come out to your parents and I would never go behind your back to do so, but…well, you did come out at school. Even though—”

 

“Even though I’m eighteen the school can still inform my parents,” I interjected, “I know, I know. Shit. Hell, if Chase Avery Mann is back in town she might just come over and talk to my parents. It’ll get back to them eventually…”

 

Jae slowly guided his hand down to my shoulder—I missed the warmth of his palm on my cheek—and smiled weakly, “I don’t think you would have come out at school if you didn’t want an excuse to tell your parents, either.”

Where the heck was this nugget of wisdom coming from all of the sudden? “Hah,” I laughed, “Maybe you’re right?”

 

Jae leaned over and kissed me on the lips and I could feel the tension in my body drain like a bathtub unplugged. The heat of the sunlight magnified through the Kona’s windshield felt nice, although I simultaneously worried about how it might damage my skin. “I’ll be there with you, if you want.”

 

“When I tell them?” I whispered. Jae didn’t even have to open his mouth to confirm. His softened eyes said it all.

 

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and turned back over on the passenger seat and gazed at the soft, cushiony material of the ceiling. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t wait until after my implants after all,” I sighed.

 

Jae threatened to guffaw, “Implants?”

 

“Yeah. I’ve been saving up, thanks to all the advertising and sponsors I’ve had,” I smiled softly, anticipating my boyfriend’s sexual interest.

 

“So, wait a sec. Rach. Rachel. Ma’am. You were going to get implants despite thinking you were a cis man?”

 

“Well, I never said I was a particularly thoughtful little girl, my good sir,” I giggled, hoping my cadence would draw out even greater disbelief in his voice.

 

 “Christ, you really are a bimbo,” Jae groaned, rubbing his eyes as he straightened back on his seat. 

 

For my part, I merely giggled. 

 

Jae calmed down long enough to stretch his arms out, lightly clawing for his just-out-of-reach ceiling. “Sooooo.”

 

I didn’t like his tone of voice, “Yes, honey?” I laid the ‘Girlfriend Energy’ on thick, hoping to disarm him before he said whatever he knew I wasn’t going to want to hear.

 

“Like I said, I’m not doing your homework anymore.” I had to commend him for getting it out without a stutter—not that it didn’t elicit a groan from me.

 

He was right to be apprehensive. “Babe, please. Don’t maaaaaaaaaaaake me,” I whined, with as much syrup in my voice as I could muster.

 

“Rach, come on, I can’t just do my girlfriend’s homework. Besides, you’re not going to be able to go to college if I do everything for you.”

 

“Who said I was going to college?” I smirked, hoping to steer the conversation away from any sort of seriousness.

 

Jae gave an annoyed look that I couldn’t really place, “Don’t you have any sort of dreams?”

 

“Waving my cock on screen for men and women to jack it to?”

 

“I’m being serious, babe,” Jae stone-faced.

 

“I’ll suck you off if you keep doing my homework?”

 

“Rachel.” Jae stonewalled.

 

“Okay, okay, come to my place after school and I’ll bottom for you.”

 

Suddenly I could sense Jae’s immense desire to pull out a giant cartoon mallet and bonk me with it.

 

“Ugh, babe, come on, I can’t do it. I’m not smart like you!” As the words left my mouth a part of me wondered why I was sounding so panicked. 

 

Concern washed over Jae’s face as he turned his gaze back toward me, “Rach, are you okay?”

 

I instantly regretted my reaction, “No, I’m not fucking okay! You keep fuckin’ trying to ruin the happiest mood I’ve been in for years over fucking homework and I’m sick of it!” I could feel a rush of emotions surging from out of nowhere as I leaned off of the reclined passenger seat, struggled with my seatbelt, swearing all the while between quick, sharp breaths and slapping Jae’s hand away when he reached out for me.

 

Finally, breaking free of the seatbelt, I swung open the passenger side door, scrambled out and then slammed it, cutting my boyfriend’s panicked calls of my name off.

 

‘Why are you being such bitch to Jae?’ 

 

Most of my life I could hear my thoughts like separate audio track layers in a video editor. That was really the only way I could explain how my brain worked. I would sometimes think entirely separate and different things at the same time—if I could even get my brain to think clearly at all—and in moments like this it was like a thousand overlapped audio files were playing—screaming—all at once.

 

‘You shouldn’t have done that!!’

 

‘He’s right, you know!’

 

‘So much for finally getting your first boyfriend.’

 

‘Now he’s just going to think that you’re a crazy tranny like all the others!!’

 

‘Faggot!’

 

‘The stupid motherfucker shouldn’t have brought it up!’

 

‘Retard!!’

 

‘Why did you slap his hand when you knew he was just trying to help you?’

 

‘Pervert!’

 

‘God, I wanna go home.’

 

‘Just go back and apologize, bitch!’

 

‘My feet hurt!’

 

‘Shemale!!’

 

‘You’re parents probably think you’re a faggot freak, too!’

 

‘Freak!’

 

‘Just kill yourself!’

 

I sobbed and screamed into my palms. My feet hurriedly carried me through the student parking in hopes of reaching a restroom and hopefully cleaning myself up better. Tears blurred my vision and I was so zoned out and overwhelmed by my breakdown that I never even heard or saw whoever I bumped into.I’m not even sure my brain recorded the moment or sensation of my ass falling back onto the pavement.

 

“Rachel?” I heard a familiar voice call. It wasn’t Jae—too feminine—no, too light.

 

I worked to stop my sobs but my hyperventilating didn’t make it any easier, “Yes?” My voice was shot, which only compounded my worries. I did not want a cis girl hearing my deadvoice. 

 

“Rachel, it’s me, Chase!”

 

Why me? “Oh,” I hiccuped, “Hi…Chase.” I brushed away as many tears and snot as I could with a tissue provided by Chase. Once I was significantly cleared up I accepted a hand from Chase Avery Mann and lifted myself up. “Sorry you had to see that, I was j-just having a moment is all.” She delayed in breaking her stern, cold grasp of my hand.

 

“Is everything okay?” Chase Avery Mann asked as she took the uninvited initiative to dust off my top vest. I pulled back sharply when her hand brushed against my breasts. Those were not for her, even if I figured she’d only done it platonically. Practically.

 

My voice was still shot, but I struggled to get it pitched up and with as much clarity as possible, “Uh, yeah, no, I’m fine. I just had a talk with Jae that went south.”

 

“Did he hit you?” Chase Avery Mann asked, a sudden sternness to her voice.

 

“What? Gawd no, Jae would never. He’s an amazing boyfriend,” for how much longer I didn’t know. Goodness knows I haven't been a great girlfriend.  

 

That annoyingly false, cheery tone abruptly returned to Chase Avery Mann’s voice, “I see. That’s good to know. Come on, girl, we really must get you to the restroom to fix your makeup before the end of lunch.”

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

The rest of the day progressed with significantly less drama. While I kept my distance from Jae in our remaining classes together, I could feel the dueling sides of my brain storming. 

 

‘Talk to him so he doesn’t think you hate him.’

 

‘Don’t talk to him, he hates you and has always known how much of a freak you are.’

 

Chase had helped me reapply my makeup in the restroom, although the tension of being around her was more than a little…off-putting. Surely that was just my own insecurity in being around a cis woman, though?

 

The school rang at a quiet, docile tone, signaling the end of eighth period and the school day. Facing Jae with his puppy dog expression was too hard, so I lifted up my bag—which I had already refilled, zipped up and held onto tightly before the bell rang to prevent any loss of time. I was immediately out the classroom door, speed walking through the halls before Jae could open his mouth.  

 

The loud footsteps of someone behind me quickly pierced my senses. In a panic, I spun around to see who was behind me as I made my way from the edge of the pavement onto the strip of lawn across the front of the school. It was Chase Avery Mann, again.

 

“Rachel, wait up!” she called, running as fast as she could in her heels, books in a deathgrip, pressed against her chest.

 

Hesitation filled me, making me bounce on the balls of my feet in place. The idea of Jae trying to catch up and confront me about my outburst scared me to death. I’d only just faced my gender and sexuality issues, I wasn’t ready to face…whatever the hell else was wrong with me. 

 

Chase Avery Mann finally caught up with me and, with a wide, ‘off’ smile plastered across her face as always, bumped shoulders with me, “Girls have to stick together when walking outside!”

 

Well, if she was going to invite herself along with logic that wasn’t exactly wrong, who was I to complain?

 

“Oh, um, sure,” I relented, in no mood to get upset again. 

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

Chase Avery Mann and I made our way through the neighborhood together. Ours was a military town, typically known for its large number of retired veterans, so in the past the city had never been particularly cozy-looking. In recent years, though, enough tax-payer money was finally coming through to repair the streets, add in new sidewalks and generally spruce up the main boulevard so that it finally looked, well, like a boulevard. I’d been quite taken with the newly installed roundabouts to most of the stoplights in the city. With the way that our winters were typically just nine months of windstorms, rainstorms, and snowstorms I had always hated how often the traffic lights would go out, even if I didn’t have a driver’s license. Or much reason to get one with how clumsy I could be.

 

Chase Avery Mann broke me from my reprieve of appreciating the early stages of the tree leaves’ changing of colors, “So, how’s it like being a girl now?”

 

The clicking of Chase Avery Mann’s heels on the freshly installed sidewalk delayed my response for a moment, “Oh? Yeah, no, it’s been nice. It’s like a weight off my chest, y’know?”

 

Chase Avery Mann snickered, shooting a glance to my chest, “Looks to me like it’s more of a weight on your chest, Ric—Rachel.”

 

I couldn’t say I was a fan of how her eyes lingered on my tits, “Oh, well, yeah. Believe it or not the weight on my chest has been making me feel so relieved. It’s like when you thought you lost a precious family jewel or something, but you found it.”

 

“I don’t think you’ve lost your family jewels yet, Rachel,” Chase crooned with a stupid—and not in the adorable way—self-satisfied grin. 

 

I couldn’t believe I’d finally found a terrible pun I hated. Doing my best to play it off—and with an added step to my pace—I merely chuckled lightly, my discomfort thinly veiled. Gawd, maybe I should have just forced myself to make-up with Jae?   

 

“Sooooo,” Chase Avery Mann lightly droned, “Are you going to, y’know, Get The Sur—”

 

Nope, nuh-uh, not happening, “Oh, by the way, Chase, why did your family move back to town?”

 

Startled by my taking the flow of the conversation back, Chase Avery Mann took a moment to reboot. Finally, after a few more clicks against the surface of the sidewalk, she replied: “Oh, well, Daddy was reassigned back to the local base, so…”

 

The less she had an opportunity to speak, the better. “Aah, so it was an army thing. Gotcha!” Finally, we arrived at my house, which she was woefully familiar with. “Oh, we’re here, sorry Chase, I gotta run!” I had hardly a moment for a breath of air.

 

Disappointment painted the face of Chase Avery Mann as much as whatever shitty brand of makeup she was wearing did, “Oh, I was wondering if—”

 

With great irony, I countered: “Sorry Chase, I gotta do my homework. Bye!” before dashing through around back.

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

I did not, in fact, do my homework. Instead, laying atop my bed’s cover, I stared up at my ceiling, fruitlessly counting the number of bumpy-thingies on the ceiling, while wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Remnants of my mid-day came back to me as I recalled how I snapped at Jae.

 

I’d finally (finally?) had a boyfriend after all this time and then I’d gone and ruined it because I couldn’t fucking communicate.I felt like I was stuck on that a lot lately. I couldn’t help but think about how often I would rethink the same thoughts over-and-over. Hell, thinking back on it, I’d done that all of my life. 

 

What a fucked up girl I was.

 

‘Well, at least I was a girl’, I could hear a part of my brain thinking.

 

The doorbell snapped me from my wallowing in self-pity. With my folks still working late at the firm I knew I was going to have to be the one to check the door. I worried, of course, that it was Jae and I was not sure how to approach that confrontation. Slipping into my parents’ room I peaked through their blinds to check who was outside. That was definitely not Jae’s shitty Kona in the driveway. Actually…oh fuck…

 

I rushed down to the front door, forgetting how I was dressed or made up, and opened it to face Jae’s mother, Mariko Yoshida. Made up in a lavender button-up dress shirt and tan slacks that gave her a professional but still impressively sexy vibe, my presence interrupted the interpreter’s furious phone scrolling. Her confused expression was actually quite a relief, once I realized she hadn’t actually recognized me.

 

“I’m…sorry, are you related to the Penns?” she asked, her face contorting into a “Did Peter and Penny Penn have a daughter?” look.

 

‘Don’t out yourself, Rach,’ I thought. With my right hand holding on to the old door knob for dear life I did what I normally did and shut off my brain, smiled, and replied: “Oh, hi Mrs. Yoshida,” with as deep a voice as I could muster. Yeah, no more of that.

 

Yeah, I know, I’m an idiot.

 

“Ri—Richie? Is that you?” Mariko asked, shocked by the unexpected revelation.

 

“Uh…” Moment of truth, dumbass, “Uh…” Just lie and say you’re doing drag or something, “Uh…Rachel. Or Rach, now.” This was turning out splendidly.

 

The awkward silence was deeply uncomfortable and I found myself jiggling the doorknob back and forth as a result. Making eye contact with Mariko was impossible. Well, that wasn’t a new thing for me, but whatever. 

 

“My parents don’t know yet,” I mumbled quickly, “Please don’t tell them?” I probably shouldn’t have brought attention to my chest by interlocking my fingers together and holding my palms pressed against my chest, but I’d done it my entire life and—oh wow, I wonder if people—not schoolmates who called me a faggot—thought I was gay before? I always was pretty feminine in my mannerisms. That would be cool. I mean, I’m not gay, but uh…wow, that would be so coo—

 

“Have you seen Jae?” Mariko asked, a little stilted, breaking me from my thoughts.

 

The setting sun illuminating the woman’s face and hair quite nicely as she stood on our front porch. I couldn’t help but think of how her son took so much after her. If he’d been a girl the two could probably still pass for sisters. Hell, Girl Jae would probably still be such a great kisser, too.

 

Now that was gay.

 

“Wait, he isn’t at home?” I asked back, idly pulling out my phone to check if he’d messaged me. He had, in fact, messaged me several generic “Hey, can we talk?” and “Babe, please, I care about you and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that”, only furthering my point that I was a terrible bitch unworthy of existing, of course. I absentmindedly tapped in reply “Hey, your mom is at my place looking for you,” before sliding my phone back in my pocket until my notification dinged.

 

“Jae didn’t come home after school today, so I’m a little worried. I barely get to see him as it is, so I was hoping to spend some time with him,” she explained, her voice growing quieter and more concerned the closer she got to finishing her sentence. I could see the worry plainly in how she stood and it was honestly only driving up my own anxiety. 

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. Being an interpreter for the MLB and helping out at one of the stores can’t be easy,” I mumbled back.

 

Jae’s mother spent most of her time on the road interpreting for baseball players recruited from Japan. Jae’s father, David Jeong, had been a middling pitcher in the minors, which was how the two had crossed paths. After injuring his arm Mr. Jeong got into business and managed to open his own line of successful sports equipment stories. Any time I’d gone in to visit—because Jae had to help out at one of the locations—I couldn’t help but be stricken by how everything smelled, especially the leather. It was like smelling gasoline or something. 

 

An idle image of Jae and I making out in the backroom flashed through my head, making me grin.

 

“Any replies yet?” Mariko asked.

 

I couldn’t remember if I’d heard a notification ping, so I unsheathed my phone and double-checked. The only new notification was from an Instagram mutual—Toxic—asking about a possible collab when she was in town next week.

 

“Not yet,” I replied passively, breaking the bad news in a way I hoped wouldn’t elicit a stronger display of emotions from Mrs. Yoshida. 

 

For her part, Mariko Yoshida’s voice was regaining remarkable strength, considering the circumstances, “I’m going to go to the police and see if they can help. Please contact me the moment you learn anything…Rachel?”

 

“Rachel.”

 

“Rachel,” she reconfirmed, a slight smile on her face. “You’re dating Jae, aren’t you?”

 

What was this bitch, a psychic? “Uh…” ‘Uh’ with an ellipsis was quickly becoming my catchphrase.

 

“You two are always around each other, and neither of you have ever been the most…traditionally masculine. Honestly, I thought you two were just closeted gay boys,” she smiled wider. “Well, whatever, I’m just happy for you two. I was afraid Jae would never find someone, but I think I can rest assured now.”

 

This was becoming an unexpectedly progressive and wholesome conversation, considering her son was missing. Now I just had to make sure I didn’t ruin it by saying something stupid, like, “I’m the top, actually!”

 

For some reason Mrs. Yoshida was giving me a flat look.

 

Wait, I hadn’t said that outloud, had I?

 

Mrs. Yoshida stepped down from the porch and made her way back to her Renault Alpine A310, “Remember, Rach, call or text me. My husband’s out-of-state on business, so it’s just me!”

 

I nodded back to Mrs. Yoshida, hoping against all hope I was just imagining that I had, like, accidentally just told my boyfriend’s mother I was going to be dicking her son down. Surely I had not! Also, this was no time for horny thoughts, Rach. Goddamn it.

 

After Mrs. Yoshida left. I made my way back up to my room, plopped down on my bed, and checked my phone for any new messages from Jae. Still nada.

 

And then it came. 

 

A message appeared, from Jae’s phone.  

 

There was an address. 

 

“NEED TO SEE YOU”

 

Don’t fuck this up, Rach. 

 

***

 

September 05, 2023: 

 

After arriving at the address—some house out in the middle of a still developing neighborhood—I opened the door to the home of the address I had been sent. I wasn’t quite sure why Jae wanted to meet here of all places, but it wasn’t like I didn’t trust him to not murder me or something. 

 

The house, one of the few finished homes in the community, was the centermost home in the cul-de-sac and sported a beige aesthetic that was inoffensive for your average modern homebuyer. The carpeting was soft and plush and as I took a few steps on it into the house I found myself with an odd mix of the pleasurable feeling of a nice carpet beneath my tennis shoes and my growing concern that I was just going to fuck things up with Jae even more.

 

The actual ‘breaking into a house’ part really wasn’t an issue for me. Putting aside that it was now 11PM and the construction crew had left for the evening, Jae and I had both stolen our ways into plenty of homes like this before just to hang. After brushing off an intrusive thought of me plowing my hopefully-still-boyfriend against the kitchen island I took a deep breath and spoke loud enough to hopefully reach any room in the house: “Jae?”

 

Nothing, at first.

 

Then I could hear the sound of someone climbing steps, immediately indicating the existence of a basement to this house. I was surprised, as Jae had told me that he had read somewhere that basements were increasingly unpopular in newer homes, but I suppose this was going to be a pretty bourgeois neighborhood.

 

A clicking noise—indicating the opening of a door—echoed throughout the house, breaking me from my thoughts. “Jae?” I asked again, but the figure that soon appeared before me was decidedly not my boyfriend.

 

It was my vaguely chaser-y ‘ex-girlfriend’, Chase Avery Mann.

 

“Oh, hello, Richard—I mean, Rachel,” she gushed.

 

Honestly, I wasn’t sure she meant ‘Rachel’.

 

Clearing my throat as best as one can clear a dry throat, I asked, “Oh, hi Chase. Uh…I’m here to see Jae. My boyfriend. Are you…er…have you seen him?”

 

It was so eerie how her face—methodically made up to match her blonde hair tightly tucked into a bun—just…didn’t change. After a moment of silence I noticed where Chase was looking so blankly: she was looking for my bulge through my jeans.

 

Okay, so maybe Chase Avery Mann wasn’t vaguely a chaser.  

 

Wait. Chase Avery Mann?! Her name was literally ‘chase every man’?! Who the hell even names their daugh—

 

“Rich—Rachel, sweetie,” Chase interrupted, “Jae is waiting for us downstairs!”

 

Yeah, I didn’t like the sound of that, either.

 

I hesitated for a moment before delivering a reply, the blankness on Chase Avery Mann’s face far too much for me to deal with. “Can’t Jae come up here?” I finally asked, fearing I already knew the answer. 

 

Chase Avery Mann’s creepy smile only grew worse, “Oh, no, honey, I’m afraid no. Jae Jeong is sleeping!”

 

Oh fuck, I hope that wasn’t, like, a figure of speech! 

 

On Chase Avery Mann’s beckon and with a little handwave that seemed far too stiff, I bit my lip and followed her through the halls to the door down to the basement. Peering down and past the first few steps was difficult and I worried my usual issues with seeing in the dark would make the descent into Chase Avery Mann’s own personal Hell dangerous. Luckily, I had a railing to hold onto, and with both hands, I descended the steps one at a time after Chase Avery Man.

 

One might think that a newly constructed house wouldn’t have such noisy, creaky steps. Unfortunately for me, capitalism had won out and the craftsmanship of the home was easily ‘shitty’. With my sense of vision obscured I could feel my hearing expanding to compensate. The awful noises, combined with the lack of knowledge about what was before me, was overwhelming. I’d faced similar sensory issues my entire life that I didn’t understand, but I’d never actually tried to get a doctor to examine me for them. In light of recent developments, perhaps that was something I was going to now need to change.

 

Taking another step down the stairwell, my mid-motion body was interrupted by a horrifying shriek, which cut through the darkness and left me disoriented. As my hands shot off the railing to grab ahold of my torso for protection I could feel my body being pulled by the inertia of my forgotten step, and I tumbled down the stairwell.

 

Further shrieking woke me from slumber. I found myself at the bottom of the stairwell, with Chase Avery Mann’s familiar footsteps quickly making their way over to…not me, actually. A moment later, her cell phone’s lock screen lit up just enough to cast light on a lantern, which Chase Avery Mann promptly turned on. The basement filled (partially) with a bright, white light. As my vision began to clear, I felt as if I was suddenly in a black-and-white film due to how the lantern’s light filled the room. 

 

Another shriek snapped me back to attention and I noticed just who was making that noise. It was my boyfriend, Jae, on what looked like a makeshift operating table, pantless. “Oh, gawd,” I gasped, picking myself up off the floor as quickly as possible, only to trip over my own feet again and smack my nose against my right arm, which had apparently known well enough to place itself before me and the concrete floor. The impact on my nose caused me to scream bloody murder, as I surely felt it break or even just fracture. Nevertheless, Jae’s condition spurred me back to my feet—or was I on my knees? Either way, I clawed my way to the makeshift surgical table for a closer look at what I thought I saw.

 

No, no, no!

 

My eyes had not played any tricks on me. I shot my panicked eyes up to the eyes of my boyfriend, who was strapped down on the table, squirming both in agony and in terror. Clearing my throat was a struggle, so—hoarse of voice—I called to my boyfriend: “J-Jae! It’s me! It’s Rachel!!” 

 

My hands were already struggling with the straps binding Jae to the table without me even noticing. 

 

“Wh-what the FUCK?!” Jae screamed, his typically deep voice reaching heights I’d never heard from him before. “Wh-why does it hurt down there?!”

 

I couldn’t form the words. It was a horrifying crime and a horrifying sight to see my boyfriend so panicked. All I could do was struggle with the buckles on his restraints, until finally I’d freed his left hand. 

 

With his left hand now freed, Jae joined me in quickly tearing the other restraints off. Remembering just who was in the room with us, I turned back to Chase Avery Mann as I struggled with the restraint on Jae’s left leg. Her eerie smile was shrouded and illuminated by the light of the lantern. Chase Avery Mann only stood there at attention, hands behind her back, watching us.

 

With his right hand freed, Jae shot up in a rush of adrenaline to work on untying his right leg. Unfortunately, in the upright position, the pain in the lower region was only highlighted upon the addition of further pressure. “FUCK!!!” Jae yelped, like a ten-pound dog whose foot was stepped on by an adult human. As Jae peered—and reached—down, I braced for the impact. Another shriek threatened to march up the basement steps and shatter the windows on each of the two above-ground floors of the newly constructed home.

 

Finally, I’d noticed that tears had been rolling down my face, assuredly ruining my makeup. The horror on Jae’s face as he’d finally, truly, realized what had happened to him, painted my soul with a hatred I had never before known. Struggling to my feet from my now screaming knees, I supported myself on the operating table long enough to embrace my boyfriend as he mourned his testicles, which now entered my line of sight on a red-stained tray on the other side of the makeshift castration station. 

 

“Oh dear, Richar—Rachel, sweetie, please, he’ll hurt you,” Chase Avery Mann interjected with a stilted concern.

 

Chase Avery Mann’s words only stoked the fury and hatred war marching in my heart. With a heavy step forward, I fought through my sensory overload and swung an accusational—no, a declaring—finger at the bitch, “You did this because you thought he was going to hurt me?!” my shrieking voice bounced off the walls of the basement and pounded on my ears, but I didn’t give a fuck.   

 

Chase Avery Mann only smiled brighter, her creepy, lifeless grin its own kind of piercing blade. “Oh, but Richard, sweetie, he—”

 

“My name is Rachel, you fuckin’ monster!” 

 

“—had you sobbing, after all,” the bitch finished, as if she hadn’t even heard my interjection.

 

In the face of a brick wall my emotions could only boil over more, “I love him, Chase! Y-you crazy bitch, he could die from an infection!” Right, an infection. Hospital. Gotta get Jae to a hospital! Fuck, where did put my cell pho—

 

As I reached into my back right pants pocket for my phone, the momentary distraction was all Chase Avery Mann needed to swing at Jae’s throat with a scalpel—likely the same one she’d used to remove his testicles. Without thinking, I swung my right hand back and grabbed Chase Avery Mann by the wrist, stopping her just short of digging deeply into my boyfriend’s throat as he sat upright on the makeshift castration station, propping himself up with his hands to lessen the pressure on his sorry sack.

 

Using as much strength as I could summon, I pulled Chase Avery Mann from the makeshift castration station. Chase kneed me in my crotch, forcing my grip to weaken as I doubled over in pain. “Oh, poor baby!” With all the strength that I could muster, I uppercutted Chase, but she slipped backward infuriatingly gracefully.

 

Turning to Jae, I shouted, “Run!” as I leapt at the horrific bitch in hopes of pinning her to the ground. 

 

Jae, horrified, eventually broke off from staring in shock, and struggled this way out of bed, despite his lack of strength. 

 

Chase practically let me tackle her to the ground. 

 

“Ooh,” Chase Avery Mann cooed, “You’re so strong~! ♥”

 

Turning back from watching Jae crawl up the basement stairs to face Chase, I could only imagine the look on my face when I realized what she was doing. Instead of using her hands to fight back, she was grabbing my cock with one hand and rubbing her clit with her other.

 

I don’t remember what happened after that.

 

***

 

April 01, 2023: 

 

“So, guess what, JJ?”

 

“What?”

 

“I totally ate out Amber Dorner yesterday after school,” I couldn’t help but say it in the most bragging way possible. I wanted—needed—to see him turn red and fidget.  

 

“Jesus, Rach, have some class!”

 

It was so hard to not try and make Jae groan. I lived for it, really. He was usually so unflappable, so to make him…flap…was just…so intoxicating.

 

“No, no, hon—dude, I brought her over ‘cause she said that she wanted to see my cosplay collection. Then she asked if I could fuck her as Kirito from SAO—”

 

“—you know that I have no idea who that is, right?—”

 

“—Anyway, first I did her and she got off so fuckin’ hard, it was amazing. I didn’t even need to, like, sheath my sword in her, if you know what I me—”

 

“—Jesus, Rachel!”

 

“Okay, okay, I get it. Sorry. It was just—well, it was okay. I was just lookin’ forward to seeing your face when I told you!”

 

Jae’s annoyed faces really were the most fun to see. I always looked forward to seeing how I could, like, get him to react harder.

 

“...is this an April Fool’s thing, Rach?”

 

My goodness, he looked so serious, “...I mean, I definitely ate her out, if that’s what you’re askin’? But uh…I’m emball-a-shing my story…”

 

My best friend could only groan his reply, “The word’s ‘embellishing’, dude.”

 

“Chirp.”

 

Jae sighed, put his controller down next to him on my bed and dropped backward to lay down, “You’re something else, you know that Rach?”

 

It was hard not to giggle.

 

“Like, come on, did you really—?”

 

“Yup!”

 

A moment of silence. I wasn’t really sure what to do—had I ruined the mood by pushing too hard? A nervous energy built up in my legs, so I couldn’t help by bouncing them in place while waiting for Jae to finally say something. I’d definitely gone too far, hadn’t I? Goddamn it, Rachel, you fucking re—!

 

“...so, you two are going out, then?”

 

I didn’t know how to read Jae’s tone of voice, so I decided to lay back next to him and just tell the truth: “Naw, I’m not really into her. She’s not really my vibe, y’know? Besides, I think she was kinda…off put by how…me…I was acting afterward…”

 

“...she heard you laugh, didn’t she?”

 

“Uh…yeah…not to mention I asked her if it was cool if I wear a girl cosplay…”

 

Jae’s voice grew a bit quieter,“You probably need to date a queer girl. Or a man.”

 

I didn’t even need to turn to hear the shit-eating grin on Jae’s face, “You calling me a fag?” I could feel the nervous energy that had been trying so hard to jackhammer its way out of my legs finally fade. 

 

Sensing my jovial tone, Jae broke into a short snicker, “Do I look like Gloria Rembrant or one of her cronies?”

 

“Pfft, please, SIR, I think that you’re way cuter than Gloria Rembrant,” it was hard to keep my composure as Jae turned to me making a funny face, “No homo, of course!”

 

Jae practically cackled at that last bit, “Yeah, that’s the thing: you’re not gay, but you keep getting called a faggot! Wait, I don’t think I’m allowed to say that word?”

 

I couldn’t help but give my bestie the most deadpan look imaginable, “SIR, if I’m fruity, you are too!”

 

“Faggot by association?”

 

“Pfft, honey, have you SEEN the way you move?”

 

“Ugh, for your information, RACHEL, I’m not the one who crossdresses. Also, I like girls just as much as you do!”

 

“Y’know,” I said, a silly little idea growing in my head, “I got some skinny jeans that I bet you’d look good in~♥”

 

“Rachel, I am not crossdressing, that’s your thing, dude!”

 

A wilder idea formed in my head. Like some sort of pervert, I couldn’t keep myself from laughing at my own joke, and leaned up on my bed and shoved my ass at Jae, “Pfft, come on, doesn’t my ass look good in these? I’ve been doin’ squats!!”

 

Turning away, Jae fell off the end of my bed, “Fuck!” followed his body thudding on my floor. Leaping up to look at me, Jae was faced once again only by my ass. My stray left eye caught his as I looked back for my own self-satisfaction.

 

“You like?” Against my better judgment I continued to poke the bear, slapping my own ass as if all the rumors about me were true. 

 

“Go fuck yourself, Rach,” Jae scowled, flipping me the double bird.

 

Honestly, who could blame me for replying “Ooh, kinky!” 

 

We both broke into a fit of uncontrolled giggles.

 

Turning around back onto my ass and propping myself up with my hands, I found it hard not to get lost in Jae’s eyes, even if eye contact made me uncomfortable. He’d always been there for me, any time I was harassed for being too feminine. Or acting like a retard. Or anything, really. Taking a pillow to my face, as the pillow ricocheted off of me and landed on the floor to my left, I found it hard not to bite my lip and smile invitingly.

 

It was kind of a shame I wasn’t into guys…

 

***

 

September 06, 2023: 

 

“Rachel?! RACHEL?!” Jae’s violent shaking and screaming brought me back to my senses as I woke up, standing under the moonlit sky in front of the house of horrors. “J-Jae?” I rasped, reclaiming my bearings. 

 

“Rachel, whose blood is that?” Jae pleaded, openly weeping.

 

Looking down at my hands, I noticed—without any emotion—that they were thickly-painted a bright red. The whole of my form was dyed a brilliant red.

 

Then…I remembered why.

 

Fucking brilliant, Rachel.

 

A single shriek into the night sky dyed it the color of bloody murder.

 

TO BE CONTINUED