“Alexandria, may I speak with you?” I can tell he’s anxious and frightened based on his body language. His eyes darting, and he’s subconsciously trying to make himself smaller.  I’ve never seen him act like this in the entire time he’s been in our 4-H club. He drops his voice, speaking so quietly that I can barely make out, his final words. “Privately, please.” Even if he didn’t say it, it was obvious that it wasn’t a conversation that was going to be light.

Giving my boyfriend a look that means, ‘I’m sorry, but this is important.’ That being thought, I need to vocalize what to do. “Hey, Chris. Go get some food and I’ll join you later. I need to get something from my trailer.”

“Course, babe. Should I bring something to you or are we going to meet somewhere?” Bless him. He read my cues and the situation, correctly.

“How about you pick up a pork loin sandwich, a sweet tea and meet back in my camper? I’ll let you know how long we need, OK?” Getting a thumbs up, I turn back to my 4-H’er. “You good with my camper?”

He was fidgeting, nervously, and I could see the terror that was emanating through him. “Ye….Sur…Yeah.”  

“Cool!” I say trying to lighten the mood slightly. This kid is stressed and freaked the fuck out. I’m not sure what’s up, but it’s important. He typically stays to himself, keeps others out, and rarely shows any emotion. This is completely unlike him which is causing me stress and worry. “Then let’s go!”

The closer we got to the camper, the more he seemed to draw into himself which was impressive. If I didn’t feel like this was serious to his health, I would joke about not knowing the was even possible…Internally though, I’m laughing. I can’t help but think, ‘good thing, I’ve never said I was a good person,’ for finding humor in it.

−

A painstaking 5 minutes later, we arrive at my camper. I open the door, saying, “Here we are. You can go in first.” I smile at him encouragingly at him. He steps into the camper, hesitantly. “Geez kid, I promise I won’t bite…Well, you. I will bite my boyfriend.” …And there went my mouth. Wonderful. 

“Thanks for that mental image,” He deadpans. “That is burned straight into my head.” I belly laugh at that. Leave it to him to say something like that. Well, that tells me he’s still in there.

“You're welcome kid. Figured it would lighten the mood since you seem like you're getting ready to jump out of your skin.” Concern ripping through me once more. “So seriously, what's up? I won’t judge you or anything. I want to help as much I can.”

Finally, he starts to talk, but it’s plain to hear the terror in his voice and see him shake. “My…. I…I don.” Damn, that’s new for him. He’s never stuttered like that before. Finally, he collects himself. “I don't think I'm a boy...” A pause, but they’re through the worst of it. Regardless, those words break the barrier, and it flows out of them. “Actually, I know I'm not. I’m a girl. She/Her pronouns, please.”

 A million thoughts race through my head at the same time, but they can wait. I can see her trembling, eyes are darting everywhere, and on a hair trigger to bolt.  She needs reassurance that she has an ally in me. In a gentle soothing tone, “You’re safe, I promise.” She looks up, still trembling and terrified, but I can see hope and relief blooming inside of her. “May I give you a hug?”

Tears start forming in her eyes as she nods silently.

Trying not to crush her, I tightly envelope her into a hug. At first, she feels stiff and shaky, but after a few, she loosens up and greedily accepts it. I feel and hear that she really starts sobbing, but it’s a good cry, a cry of relief.

The hug lasts for awhile, but eventually she wants out, so I let her. Looking at her, I see what the flood gates left behind. And oh, yeah, she is a hot mess now. She’s trying to wipe the snot and tears away. I go grab her tissues and hand them to her.

“Thank…thank you.” She hiccups. She averts her eyes as she gets more in control of herself. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to breakdown like that.”

“Hey, don’t mention it. Breakdowns happen. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just glad I could help.” A small smile appears. I return it. “May I ask you some questions? You don’t have to know or give me an answer to them.” Again, she nods. She’s always been the silent type.

“Cool. Thank you. So first up. Do you have a name you prefer?”

She has a far-off look, but she actually responds in words, this time. “Not yet. I know I don’t like my name, but I haven’t found the one yet.” She pauses, almost enough for me to ask my second question. The next words came at a depressed whisper. “I was hoping my parents would help.” Well… I guess that answers my next question.

“I’m guessing you told your parents, and they weren’t supportive then.” With tears beginning again, I see her give a weak nod. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry to hear that.” Internally, I curse her parents. She may only be thirteen, but I can already see some thicker hair patches growing on her neck and voice has dropped a decent amount over the course of the last year. I can’t imagine how bad she must feel. “Listen to me,” she snaps her head over to me, “I promise I will do anything and everything I can do for you.”

“Really?” Her voice squeaks. “You mean it?” Tears starting to well up once more.

“Yeah, kid.” A fiery intense passion fills my words. And I mean it. I. Will. Not. Fail. Her. “I don’t know how, but I do. We’re sisters now. That means we help protect each other.” This time, it’s her hugging me.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Chuckling, “no problem, kid.” Emotions are starting to ramp down, and she tries to contain her first yawn. She fails, so I know she is starting to feel the exhaustion set in.

“I,” she starts before she has to stifle another yawn. “Don’t know why I’m so sleepy. I sleep way too much as is, so I better get going.” She moves to get up when another yawn escapes her again.

“Oh no, you don’t. You’re sleeping here.” Emotions take a toll when they’re overwhelming, so I’m not surprised she’s rapidly getting tired. “I’ll let Mom know you’re here. Promise, she won’t mind. Just don’t want to catch her off guard.” Another yawn. The yawns are coming faster now. She tenses. “I won’t tell her that you’re transgender, ok? That’s up to you.” She nods.

“If, you’re sure,” she asks with a hint of trepidation in her voice. “I don’t-”

Abruptly cutting her off, I say, “don’t even go through, missy. You’re not a burden, so go lie down.”  A few minutes later, she starts to fade out. Makes sense, all those emotions can be exhausting when they’re that big.

Once, I felt she is deep asleep, I text my mother to let her know that one of our club members came to me, and they crashed after they told me what’s up. All of us will be in the camper once Chris and I return with fair food. Good God, I didn’t realize how difficult it was going to be to avoid using pronouns. I sure wasn’t going to out her, but I sure as shit wasn’t going to misgender her either.

While waiting for her response, I text my boyfriend that I need to stay at the camper, but could he pick us up some food. Thinking fast, I follow saying that up with, “we’ll both take the quintessential fair food burger and fries.” Yes, funnel cake and elephant ears are more so, but I’ve found that a fair burger and fries never disappoints.

Around the time that I sent the text to Chris, I get a call from my mother. “Hey, mom,” trying to keep the worry and rapid thoughts from coming out of my mouth. She’s great at reading people. “What’s up?”

“Alexandria. You know why I’m calling.” I sigh. “Is our member, ok?” Genuine worry creeping into her voice. “Can I do anything?” Of course, she cares deeply about them.* However, in this instance, what the fuck am I supposed to say. I step outside to answer her.

“Yes. Like I said. They’re in the camper sleeping.” Trying to think of what to say, I take a few seconds. Eventually, I decide on my suspicions. “I don’t think the parents will be understanding of the situation. I wish I could say more, but it’s mostly conjecture. I’ll try to get them to open up.”

I hear a deep sigh and resignation in her voice. “If you think that’s the case, then I think you need to betray their trust. There’s not much we can do besides be the whistleblower.”

“I know, but I think we need to get more of the story and evidence built first.” I know what my mom might be able to do for her… “Hey, mom.”

“Yes, Alex?”

“Would you consider taking this kid in if the shit hits the fan?”

Another deeper sigh and defeat in her tone, “depends on the situation and who they are, but potentially, yes, I would. You think it’s going to go that direction?”

Another sigh escapes again. “I think so. I’ll talk with the club member.” There she lies inside the camper, peacefully asleep. When she wakes up, there’s going to be a lot of uncomfortable questions and planning. I hope she trusts me because it’s going to probably get extremely real, real quick. One thing for certain though, I will not fail her. Not again and not ever if I have my say.      

¹ Hope you enjoyed! The massive part of the story will be released in a week.  See ya