4 Years Later

A month into our senior year of high school, my friend, Edward, comes to me in the lunchroom. “Hey! I see you are eating alone. Would you like to join my friends and I at our table,” turning to point it out to me? He’s the one friend that truly knows who I am and my past. -It was rather unfortunate the way he found out that I was a girl, but I’m glad that he knows now. He’s been an awesome friend.

A few days after telling Alex, she convinced me to dress up as me at the semi local outdoor mall. No one our age goes there, so we thought we were safe…Nope! There he was helping his grandma around. He was confused when he first saw me, but it quickly morphed into a grin when he realized how much brighter and comfortable, I looked. From that moment onwards, he did his best to not use my deadname or pronouns as little as possible. It was hell on him since I “randomly” pulled from school with no warning.

Anyways, I was also thankful I had a reason to leave some of ‘our’ friends behind. They were bastards and phobic to you guessed it, queer men. It’s like most of them think their God’s gift to the queer population. Spoiler, they aren’t. Considering that, I didn’t really want to hear their thoughts on trans people. Bet it’s just as horrible. That’s why I have such mixed emotions as to what I’m going to say. I’ve a mask to adhere to after all. I will let him down lightly though.

“Sorry. I prefer to eat alone. Thank you for the invite though,” not letting my turbulent emotions into my voice. Hearing a slight sigh makes my gut twist and me feel even worse. I don’t let it show. I hate pretending that I don’t have any clue who he is. Unfortunately, that is the one downside to allowing myself to be who I truly am, at the same school, but perhaps there’s a way for us to interact somewhat publicly in school. God! I hope he realizes what I am about to do. “I’ve seen you around though. You seem like a good gut. Your name is Ed, correct?” Confounded, he looks at me before nodding. “You seem like a cool if nerdy dude. I wouldn’t mind getting to know you,” letting enthusiasm into my voice, finally. “I think you know this already, but the name’s Allison. Pleasure to meet you, Ed.”  

Realization and embarrassment don on Ed before smiling as he starts to say, “Oh! Sorry! I should have introduced myself,” he laughs, but embarrassment does grace his cheeks. He seems to stop there, so I give him a look that only he could read as continue, I wouldn’t be the one to finish this. Realizing what I meant, he says, “you’re right,” he chuckles. “You are the only new girl in our class this year. I would like to get to know you. People think you’re a bitch, but I suspicion the new girl isn’t actually that.” He puts the emphasize on the word girl, knowing that it would likely prompt a blush. Even though it’s been four years, I still get a giddy euphoric feeling occasionally. I love it, and unfortunately now is one of those times. Heat flares in my face, and if that wasn’t enough, he leans down whispering into my ear, “You’re so much comfortable, now. It brings out your beauty. I’m glad for you, cutie.” He winks and walks away.

Can you even believe that asshole? He has the nerve to do that, then walk away as if he owned the place, drawing attention to where he was, which is me. Quickly, trying to school my features before anyone sees the “mysterious icy new girl” show anything other than what I want them to see, I sling “unladylike” words towards him. He’s going to be receiving a text message from me next period…The Bastard!  

Ten minutes later the lunch bell sounds signaling that the study hall and lunch period switch. Deciding that now would probably be the best time to text Ed, I pull out my phone, one of the last remaining shreds that I kept from my previous life.

“What the duck, man?! So not cool!!!” Keeping my phone extremely close and making my way towards the assigned classroom, I stop at my locker to exchange books for my next classes. No text from Ed yet, probably doing the same thing, when I hear a throat clear besides me. With venom and coldness infused in my voice, I growl out, “what?” I refuse to acknowledge Jake, one of the jocks.

We didn’t run in the same circle, so I never interacted with him much in my old life. Everything I know about him points to him being a guy that happens to be graced with the worst type of personality that feels so put on. Damn, bubbly and friendly loud types that don’t think before talking. Insufferable.

I think he's the best football player on the team. The same could not be said for the rest of the jerk football players. They’re piss poor at the sport and have a personality to match. I would call them apes, but I don’t have any hate for those animals.

“What the hell did Ed say to make you blush?” He asked with curiosity laced in his voice but no malice. “I didn’t even know that he knew you well enough to be able to do that.”

  With the same venom I previously used, I grit out, “who says we do? Even if we were, I wouldn’t owe you shit,” I shortly say with enough force to shut him down. “If that’s all, I’m going to my study hall.”

“Well, whatever he said, it made me realize there’s more to you than I thought. I’d like to figure you out if you give me the chance.” I freeze and feel as I go into fight mode. Shoulders tense and eyes narrow. God, I wish I could just fucking end him. I can’t, so instead, I settle on, speaking loudly enough for the surrounding people to hear. “You don’t have a chance, asshat. You’re not my type, so get out of my way and fuck off.” Everyone stops, turning to Jake. I walk away pretending I don’t care. It’s exhausting maintaining that façade. I do believe that is what I would call being a bitch and damage control.

Getting to the classroom barely on time, I sit down to wait for Ed to text something which he does after several minutes.

“What? What did I do?” God! I can hear the coyness radiating from him, through the text.

“You know DAMN well what you did!!!!” Deciding to throw a red face with censor emoji his way as well. Before he can respond I quickly follow it up with, “I kept everyone away with my RBF and then you ruined it by making everyone think I’m approachable. I even had to do damage control because of you.

“Just want everyone to see you for who you truly are! Not who you’re pretending to be or the boy that everyone thought you were. Fuck em!!!” He quickly sends a second text with, and what do you mean damage control? What did you do?”

What am I supposed to say to that? He took my last text the way I wanted, but he does raise a fair counterpoint. I do have a case of RBF and generally wish to be left alone, but I would be slightly more emotional and freer, if I weren’t playing up my attitude to keep my classmates away. I end up replying with, “You’ll know. Trust me. Speaking of. What has the old crew said about my ‘disappearance’ and my reaction?”

“You’re insufferable. You know that. The person you’re hurting the most is yourself. Just relax.” Sending another follow-up text, “They don’t. They were excited when you weren’t on any rosters for their classes which doubled when you weren’t at lunch. They were worried that you would show up randomly. They do want to know about “The new girl” and what that was though. I just told them that I wanted to make sure she would text me.” He follows that up with, “…I’d say it worked! ROFL!!!”    

“Not surprised. The fact that they and I were toxic to each other made that obvi. Once, I left, I bet they were less…inclined to be respectful. They might be your friends and my ‘ex-friends’, but I am truly sorry for leaving you to be the only one moderator of their… toxic masculinity. Let me ask you this, how have they said or talked about Allison?” My eyes literally rolled from his shenanigans; I refuse to acknowledge that comment.

He doesn’t respond immediately, so I shift my focus to my homework that is due the day after next. I’ve been a MUCH better student since transitioning. Plus knowing that my sis is coming home is motivating me to finish as much as possible so that I get as much free time with her as possible. Feeling a rumble, I check my phone to see what Ed said. “No Comment” was the only thing. Mumbling under my breath, “expected.” That means that they were being pigs, and he doesn’t want me to snap. Choosing to use the rest of the time to do my work, I ignore that. Soon enough the bell rings and I head to my next class.

The rest of the school day went by quickly. I stop by my locker to drop my stuff off and grab my riding jacket, backpack, and helmet before I head out to my 600cc motorcycle. I love riding her, but I will always use proper protection since I no longer want to kill myself. Putting my stuff away and starting to put my jacket on, I see Jacob coming to his locker, avoiding my gaze. Glad he got the not so subtle hint. Zipping up the jacket and slipping the pack on, I pull out my riding gloves when he finally speaks to me. “I’m sorry what I said and asked you. I should’ve respected your privacy.”

I take pity on the dude. It’s not like he was completely at fault. Fuck, I was more at fault then he was. “You should have just left me alone, but I am sorry. Ed messed with my reputation, and you suffered for it. I shouldn’t have snapped like I did. I just want to enjoy the beauty of the school grounds.”

“Messaged received then. I still shouldn’t have asked that though. That was rude.”

That causes me to pause, “Then why did you do it?”

He bites his lip before coming to a decision. “I know I can trust you, but please don’t mention what I’m about to say to anyone.” He waits to continue until he sees my nod. His voice gets quiet as he says, “I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like. Things feel weird and if I stop to think about them it gets worse. It feels like I’m drowning and can’t breathe, but I’m still here, moving forward. Being around people, moving, not thinking, blots it out as much as possible, ya know?”

“I kinda do. Been to a similar place myself. Self-actualization is difficult, but we’re better for it.” Looking at my phone, I see it’s been ten minutes., “I hate to do this to you, but I’ve got to get. If you want a piece of advice, just try to find a solid support system, regardless of who it is. I think it’s worth exploring that feeling. It was for me. Anyways, I’m off.” Flashing a peace sign, “See ya.”

Getting to my motorcycle which is parked next to a teacher’s, I finally put on my helmet. When it turns over, I make sure that it is in neutral before making sure that my phone’s Bluetooth is connected. I plan to just soak up the experience considering the chance for storms tomorrow, but phone calls do happen.

Enjoying the wind rushing around me and the thrill of the, totally within the speed limit, speeds I am going I come upon the first of the county road stop signs. Looking every direction to ensure safety and desire to perform a wheelie, I do. Considering that risk, I make sure that it only lasts a few seconds and does not exceed my comfort level. After all, if you’re going to get stupid, be smart about it. Having my rare dose of being a hoonigan, I decided to call it there. I ease off the accelerator and come back to law following reasonable bounds.

About ten minutes later, I get a call from someone; so, I answer it. “Hello? What’s up?”

“Oh! So, you’re riding your motorcycle today?” No doubt she could hear the wind buffeting. “I can call you later or talk to you tonight,” the caller said. I immediately identified them as my sister, Alex.

Hearing the enthusiasm in her voice, I quickly say, “Yep! Riding today since storms are possible, but we can still talk. That’s why I have a paid extra for a quality Bluetooth headset; just let me slow down to reduce wind.” Cutting my speed to about thirty miles per hour in a fifty-five, I say, “Ok! I’m good, so what’s going on? I hear enthusiasm in your voice.”

“God. No…How should I…” Excitement is clear in her voice, but it’s clear that she’s having thought overload.” All at once, she blurts out, “will you be my maid of honor? Chris asked me to marry him!!!...But please don’t tell mom! I haven’t told her yet and want to tell her in person tonight.”

That just about knocked me off my bike. “WHAT?! Oh. My. God! That’s amazing! So happy for you and Chris!” I’m shocked and honestly can’t process it completely.

“So what about it? You want to be my Maid of Honor,” she asks, pleading clear in her voice.

Why? Don’t you want to ask someone that has been in your life longer?” I’m glad that Chris finally asked her; he’s a great guy. We’ve only been close for four years, but she’s known her friends since she was a child. Wouldn’t they be better suited?

 “Puh...lease! You’re still my little sister regardless of whether we’re blood. My friends will understand and support my decision. If they don’t, then they aren’t really my friends. They will though. And the BEST thing that ever happened to me was that you felt that I was a safe person to show your authentic self to all those years ago.” I hear her take a breath in and sigh. “I HATE some of the things that you went through, but I got to meet a wonderfully careful person who has become one of the closest people in my life, regardless of how long we may have known each other. I wouldn’t have asked on a whim. I hope you realize that.”

Damn it! I need to pull over because now I’m crying. I sniffle out through tears, “what did I ever do to deserve a person like you in my life?”

“You were true to yourself to be complicated yet wonderful young woman.” She doesn’t add, ‘in spite of those assholes.’ I know it’s there though. She still curses them out regularly, and honestly, I can’t fault her. I’m still living with the trauma that they helped instill in me.   

 “Thank you,” I say trying to keep the snot and tears from affecting me. She’s kind enough not to mention it. I love her dearly. “Well, I’m home now, so we better hang up. It was awesome talking to my fantastic big sister! See you later tonight?”

“Of course! I plan to be there around 6. It’s always a pleasure talking to my little sis. Bye Allie! See you soon.” The line goes silent. I don’t immediately move. I just sit on my bike, taking however long I need to recompose myself before riding the few minutes more ride it would be for me.

A few minutes after I recovered from my emotional state, I’m parking my motorcycle in the garage. I leave all my gear on until I make it up to my room, so that Mom doesn’t see that I was crying, recently. Don’t want her asking questions that I can’t answer. “Is that you, Allie? How was school today?” She calls out from the kitchen, which is the entrance directly to my left as I walk into the house from the garage.

“Hey, Mom! Yeah, it’s me. Can I take my stuff up to my room?”

“Of course, you may. Now tell me about school?” Yelling from the kitchen before appearing at the entranceway to see me. The was good because I see that she’s not upset through her body posture, but knowing the way she cares, I WILL have to spill ALL the details.” I never would have dreamed that she would care so much when she has such a nonchalant, sometimes amusing, attitude most times.     

“Before the interrogation begins, I mean,” saying it with a smirk on my face which is evident through my tone.

Faking a pout and playing up the waterworks, “Oh! I see how it is. My youngest daughter doesn’t want to speak to dear old mom. Well, I am truly, deeply offended. Off to your room, you should go. I mustn’t see anymore of you,” she exaggeratingly says. I scamper up to my room.

Taking everything off and placing it everywhere that I traditionally place it, I sit on my bed to think and recompose. I can only spare a few minutes because I don’t want to make her wait long. Clearing my head of the conversation with Alex. My brain obeys but makes me remember how truly wonderful some people…my family truly are. Alex and Ed were among the very first to discover I’m trans. They have always accepted me for whom I am and made sure that I knew that anyone giving me crap, would get crap. Alex even made sure that I or anyone would have her support when she got the 4-H Leader to give a speech about always respecting each other, no matter what. That she and Alex would always have an open door, open ear policy. Aww, the days before I transitioned, that feels like a lifetime ago. I guess in some ways it was. Things were very different.

            Snapping out of my reveries, I quickly look at my phone to see how much time I lost in my stupid brains fault, which looks to be about five minutes. Well, that could be worse…and I’m crying. Fan-freaking-static! Oh well, at least I have an excuse to why my face is red and puffy; love it or hate it, estrogen has made my emotions far livelier and energetic. For all that’s good, it can have its disadvantages too.  

Walking downstairs to my mom, I call out, “Mom! I’m ready to discuss my day!”

“Ok, sweetie! How was your day?” Mom says as she’s walking into the samee room when she sees me. Looking at me, I see she notices my prior emotions. She rushes over to me and wraps me into a hug, when she asks, in a gentle voice, “You’ve been crying. Are you alright? I’m here for you.”

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I smile back at her. “Yeah. I’m great! I was just thinking about how unexpectedly great my life has turned out. Sure, some people have been absolutely terrible towards me, but I’ve also been blessed to know some people with some truly magnificent souls.” I say hugging her back tightly as tears renew to life.

“Oh! So happy tears then? Well, those are ok!” She rubs my back in a soothing fashion. “Shoot! I guess I won’t have to rattle the gates of Hell, then, will I.”

A giggle escapes my lips. “Nope. Sorry about that.”

“Oh, darn!” I hear the false disappointment And I was so looking forward to it, too!”

Smushing my face into her shoulder, warmth and contentment clear in my voice, “Love you, mom.” I don’t have to see her face to know she’s smiling back.

“Love you too, sweetie!” Warmness filling her voice, “But don’t believe that I forgot you’ve yet to tell me about your school day. I fill her in about what happened with Ed. She betrayed me by laughing her butt off. “You know, I’ll always support you in your decisions, but I agree with Ed more.” Of course, she does. Most would too. The look must reach my face because she adds, “hey! Just calling it as I see it. It’s not like you opened yourself prior to this year, and while you do have some of those traits, you are playing it up. You seem so much happier when you let yourself be you,” she says with a gentle smile. “I wish that’s want you would show them.”

“Yeah, after the second encounter with Jacob, I’ve thought about that.”  I end up jumping into my encounters with Jacob. She listens like it’s the most important thing to be ever heard and it feels so nice to have a family that cares.

Getting dinner set on the table, as is nightly tradition once Dad gets home, I ask them, “Would it be a bother if one of you drops me off at school, tomorrow?”

“Of course, sweetie” Dad says. “But you’ll need someone to pick you up. I’m working a later shift for overtime. Sorry.” He, morosely, says. He hates time away from his family, but it’s good money though. That’s kind of needed since they ended up as my legal guardians.   

“Don’t worry, I got it covered. Alex already texted me today saying she would,” only lying about that part. I don’t want them to worry.

−

  Nothing eventful happened until my, second, class period, the next day. That class being Health & Wellness Education. The teacher, Mrs. Williams, says in a clear but firm voice, “Class, today, you are to pick one person for your health presentation that will be in one month. I expect you to be intelligent with your choices.” I sigh. Why can’t I do this alone? Now I have no choice but to be social. I know Ed won’t go for me, seeing as we don’t ‘know’ each other. I’m lost in my thoughts when Jacob walks over to me.

“Hey, Allison! Would you mind partnering with me,” he nonchalantly says with hands on his neck?

“Why me and not one of your football teammates,” I ask, gesturing to them with my head?  

He laughs, dryly. “Well, they don’t exactly…school. They think they’re stars and that they’ll be the next Tom Brady, or something. They don’t realize they are terrible and won’t amount to the dirt on Brady’s shoe.” He says with a surprising look of disdain. “No, thanks! I’m looking for equal share, not all on me. Besides, you’re kinder than most think, you’ll do your share, and I’d like to get know you.”

I roll my eyes. I knew that was going to come back and bite me. “Not like I’ve got any other options. Sit down.” He does. “Good boy,” saying as I pat his head. A blush. Cute. With the last few minutes of class, we exchanged contact info. There are some advantages to not interacting much in the past.

When the bell rings, Mrs. Williams demises everyone but Jacob and me. Walking up to her desk, she says, “I would like you to do your presentation on the Gender & Sexuality chapter. I won’t force you, but you’re both more of my…” She pauses trying to find the correct word. We both knew what she meant; it’s a very conservative and redneckish school. You can guess how it would go. “…reasonable students.”

He looks at me and all I do is shrug. I don’t care. It’s not like I don’t have experience. Returning his attention to the teacher, he says, “Works for us.” Relieved. She looks relieved.   “Would you write us a slip to our next class?”

“Of course,” she says with a smile. “Just give me a moment to find...Ah. Here it is.”

I turn to Jacob as we’re waiting. “So, do you want to meet in the library, today?”

As he responds in the affirmative, Mrs. Williams hands us each a slip, as she says one last thing. “You’re more than welcome to come here too, if you need computers, or advice,” as she smiles.

−

Seeing Jacob walking into the library, I move to meet him in the middle. “So, I was thinking that we could separate the LGBT+ community between us. We also shouldn’t forget about the straight community, either.

He nods. “I can get behind that,” he says. “I think it far that whoever doesn’t work on the het community, should design the visual aspect.” I nod. That is fair. He hesitates, but he does ask a question. I raise an eyebrow. “Though I have a question, why is Gender separated from sexuality,” asking, innocently?

An audible sigh escapes my lips, “You’re doing the T, then. You get to learn something new, isn’t that shocking?!” I say snarkily. “It stands for transgender which is an umbrella term for many people.”         

“I guess I was being too nice when I said you were nice.”

“Hey! You said it, not me!” I say with humor and a grin.

“Oh! Look who has a sense of humor!” Poking fun at me, as I stuck my tongue out at him. “But, yeah, that works for me. Thank you for the little tip!” Pausing. “But since you assigned me one, I’ll assign you, one.” My eyebrow cocks once more. “Can you do the gay community?”

“Sure. Why not?” I shrug. “I got bisexuality and its umbrella terms, then.” There’s a lot of nuance to it, after all.

“Then, I’ll take the lesbian community,” he says. Cool.

“I’ll get asexuality, then. It’s as diversity and complicated as the transgender community. Do you want the hetero people or the designing part?”

Humming to himself, before speaking, “I think I’ll take the straight people on.”

“Ok. Then, I’ll get the designing part. I’m thinking if we get it done by week three, that’ll give us a week to refine and polish the presentation. Receiving a nod in return, we part ways, as the bell rang shortly after.

Arriving at my locker, after the rest of the typical, boring day, to get my required materials for homework, I see that Jacob is at his locker doing the same thing. Working to get my books out of my locker, I get startled by a familiar voice. “Hey! Allie! How’s one of my favorite people in the whole world doing?”

I whip my head around. That voice can only belong to my taller, absolutely gorgeous, big sister, “Alex! What are you doing here? Thought you’d wait in the car?” I say as I attack hug her, which causes her to stagger back one step.

“I decided to see my favorite sister and speak to a few teachers.”

“Hey! I’m your only sister!” I rebut her, finally unlatching myself from our hug. I see Jacob, looking confused and somewhat startled by my ‘rare’ display of emotion, so I decide to acquaint Alex and him. “Oh! Jacob. This is my sister, Alex who has a year left in university. And Alex, this is my locker buddy and health partner, Jacob. He might come over to our house to work on our project.” They smile and wave at each other.

He speaks, obviously perplexed, “You have a sister? Why haven’t I heard of her before? She’s not that much older than us?”

“Oh! She went to a different school.” I say. For whatever reason, I don’t stop there. “I was adopted…My birth family… they didn’t want me.” I whisper, starting to feel tears fall down my face. Why the fuck did I tell him that?

Alex hugs me. “Hey. You’re safe. You’re loved. Those assholes don’t know the amazing woman you’re growing into.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Jacob says in low, remorseful tone, obviously not realizing what he was in for. “Nice to meet you, Alex.” Discomfort and realization starting to show on his face. “Allison,” my head snapping over to him. “It doesn’t go beyond me. I promise. Ok?” Nodding my head, he adds one last thing. “If I ever meet those assholes, I’ll be sure to let them know the mistakes they’ve made.”

“Thanks, Jacob.” My voice is weaker than I wanted.

“Nice to meet you too, Jacob. You should come over to our house for dinner, sometime. I promise we’ll be better company next time.” She smiles at him. “We better get going.”  

When we get out to the care, she asks, “You ok?” Gentle concern in her voice, as she starts the car.

   “Yeah,” wiping the final tears out of my eyes. “Yeah, I am. I’ve just been thinking about what Ed and Mom said about relaxing into myself more. I think they are right, but I want to give it a trial with Jacob. If it goes well this month, then I’ll try to relax my school persona.”

“That sounds like a good plan. Jacob seems to be a good guy from what little I saw of him. I hope he comes over, so that I get to see if that’s true,” she looks over to me, flashing a brilliant white smile, as she comes to a stop sign.

“We’ll see,” I hedge my bet. It grows quiet for a while before the curiosity becomes too much. “Sooooo, you tell them yet?”

“Seeing as Dad will be working late; I did tell them before he left. You know how much they love him, so you know that they fully support it. They want us to wait until after graduation, which is entirely acceptable, as I want that to. Edward is at his parents telling them the same thing, so he won’t be around this break.”

We lapsed back into relative silence, knowing that we have two weeks together. When we get home, Mom is waiting for us. “So, Allison, I’m assuming that you knew about your sister’s engagement,” she asks knowing how close we are. I’ll be honest I wasn’t expecting this interrogation when I got home.

“Yes, I did.” I gush. “Isn’t it amazing? She called me yesterday as I was riding home. She told me about her engagement and asked if I would be her Maid of Honor,” I say honestly and exuberantly. Chagrin creeps up as I continue, “Alex asked me to keep it a secret, as it was her news to tell. I saw little problem with that, so I obeyed.”

“I guess I can’t fault you, for that. Is that why you were crying yesterday?” Mom asked. A partial truth, so I nod.   

For the next two weeks, this became the normal. The second to last night before Alex was due to return to her university, I get a message from Jacob, which read, “Can I come to your house? I’m FREAKING OUT!!! Need your help ASAP!!!”      

Wondering what the freak out is about, I head downstairs to ask for permission. “Mom. Can a friend come over?  I think it’s important.” I say with concern in my voice, as I’ve never felt anything like this from him. I show her, Dad, and Alex the text.

They quickly agree after Alex and I ease their fears over this ‘strange’ boy wants to come over uninvited. I shoot a text to him, “Yeah. Sure. Here’s the address. Do you plan to eat with us, or not?”

A text comes quick enough, “Dinner sounds lovely if I can manage to eat. I’m on my way.”

Twenty minutes later, we hear a knock and ring at the front door. They send me to see if it is Jacob. Peering through a side window, I see that it is him, so I move over to the door and open it. The first thing that I see is that he is indeed having ‘a freak out’ as his eyes are bloodshot from trying to not cry or hyperventilate. I only say that because I see the obvious effort he’s putting in to prevent them. In a weak, almost nonexistent voice, he manages to say, “Allison. I need your help.”

“Of course, Jacob! Come on in!” I say in a compassionate voice. His barely restrained tears burst forth. I quickly guide him to the couch. If I wasn’t concerned before, I am now. “What’s wrong Jacob?”

He mumbles, “it feels wrong. Everything feels wrong. Ever since…,” never finishing that thought. It’s like he is in shock. What the fuck? “Fuuuck,” he elongates that word.

Trying to get him out of his mind. “Jacob!” I call out to him before more quietly saying, “what’s wrong?” He starts trembling and shaking. This reminds me of-

My thought is interrupted when he starts talking. It seems far away though. “I don’t…,” he pauses seemingly unhappy with how he was starting it. “I was working on our project.” I nod ok. “I was researching Chevalière d'Éon¹ for the transgender part.” Oh, it is like that day.

“And you resonated with it,” I query a guess? Only softness in my voice. No judgement obviously. I get a nod in affirmation. Cool.  

“Ok, no problem. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me? Another question. Do you have preferred pronouns and/or name?”

“I’m not quite sure yet, but I’ve always liked the name Sonia. Pronouns unknown.”

“You want me to try them?”

“Would you?”

“Sonia is a cool badass girl. I thought she was an asshole, but I’ve found that I judged her too quickly.” A smile so genuine that it reaches her eyes. Something I haven’t seen in her before. “You like that don’t you?”

“Yes!”

Cool.” I shoot finger guns her way. “Let me try They/Them for you real quick.” A nod. “Sonia is a badass person. They are way nicer than I gave them credit for. I love that we’ve grown to be friends.” I see a smile that’s not forced but isn’t as quite as bright as the first one. “You want me to try He/Him?”

“Hell no! those are what I envision battery acid to taste like.” Cool. I figured, but it never hurts to know for sure. “I like They/Them, but I love She/Her!” She says that with the exuberance of a puppy.

“So what,” I question. “She/Her, She/They, or something else you want me to try?”

“I need to do more research, but I think She/Her with an occasional They/Them would be lovely!” Oh, good god. She’s one of those. I swear they’re going to kill me with that energy.

“Cool. I’ll only use your old pronouns around others that don’t know unless you say otherwise.”

“No, no. I think that’s good.”

“Cool.” I affirm. Biting my lip, I decide to bite the bullet. “Hey Sonia. I don’t want to rush you, but I’m positive that my family would support you.” I can see that her smile turning a bit more fragile. “You would not be the first trans person they’ve encountered. I just thought that maybe…” I trail off seeing that she is contemplating what I said.”

Hesitantly, they speak. “You’re positive?”

“Absolutely. No doubt in my mind.” My tone leaves no room for doubt. “And remember, I’ll be there with you.”

“Ok. That’s do it.”

Together, Sonia and I make our way to my family. We find them in the Kitchen, prepping for dinner.  Alex is on the left cutting vegetables, Dad cutting the pork, and Mom is prepping the required cook wear.  

  I squeeze them gently before speaking to my family. “Hey, everyone.” They all stop and look at us. I feel Sonia tense slightly. “My health partner has something that they want to say. Can we sit for a couple?” A chorus of affirmations later, we’re sitting at the table.

Sonia isn’t saying anything. I grab her hand and give a gentle squeeze. The message is clear. It will be ok. I decide to go further. “Hey, Alex. How did we become sisters again?” That gives my sister all she needs to know.

“She came to me once, asking if she could speak to me alone. I said, yes, and we decided to go to my camper. After an emotional breakdown, that’s where she told me basically everything. She came out to me and how her parents didn’t accept her. Instead of fighting, they signed their rights to Mom and Dad because they were done with her. They didn’t want a,” pausing to consider word choice. “happy daughter.”

For the first time since we sat down, they finally speak. “You’re trans too,” she says in a small but hopeful voice?

“I am.” I say confidently. “Though I prefer to not have that fact widely known. After all, I went to our school prior to this year.” Noticing the look of wide-eyed wonder and reverence in their eyes. A smirk crosses my face. “How’d you think I knew how they would respond?”

“Fair,” she says. She stands, curtsies to my family. “Hello, my name is Sonia, and please use She/They pronouns.”

My sister speaks first. “Pleasure, Sonia. Glad that we could be formally introduced to see.”

Mom looks at Dad. He nods. He’s a quiet man, so he let’s her speak for him. “Hello, Sonia. That’s Steve,” pointing at dad, “and my name is Rebecca. Will you be staying for dinner?”

“I think so. I’m exhausted and famished.” Another one of those melt you smiles, “But, I’m happy. I can be Sonia.”

“That you can!” We all say in unison.

−

Too soon, it was time for her to go and change back into her clothes, when she spoke up with an anxious tone, “Hey, Allison!”

“You may call me Allie, if you don’t abuse it,” I look at my family, but glare at Alex for an instant. They all had shocked looks on their faces except Alexandria who sticks her tongue out at me. “Anyways what’s up?”

“I…umm…want to go shopping for clothes this week. Could you-”

“Of course, I would.” Her schedule, being a football player, is more packed than mine is. “What day works for you?”

“How about Monday? I’ll just skip practice. I need some time away from them anyways,” She excitedly says. “I want to tell my parents this week,” she determination and resolve in their eyes. “Maybe after the game.” I think she just decided. “Thank you for everything Allie! I owe you so much.”

“You owe me nothing Sonia. To paraphrase my dear sister, ‘You’re a part of the sisterhood now.” Just like when my sister said it, there’s a fiery passion is in my voice. “That means we protect each other.”

She glamps me. “OMG! Thank you! I don’t know what I would do without you,” she begins tearing up again. How many tears can one person shed?

“No problem.” I wipe their face. “Glad I could help. Now you better get home. I’m sure your parents are going to start getting concerned.”

“Bye,” she says! Making it out to her car, my sister says, “Damn! That girl has some guts. Even you weren’t that fast or energetic.” I couldn’t exactly disagree with her.

−

A new normal is established in the following weeks. I’m happy to say that her parents were extremely accepting as they noticed the change in her personality over the years but didn’t know how to approach it. She decided to take the name that her parents wanted for her middle name, and they are busy getting her the resources they need. She’s greatly relaxed and has stopped playing the role of ‘lovable dumb jock’ and more just socially engaged lovable jock.

Everyone loves their change even if others don’t realize why, yet.

And speaking of relaxing, there’s something I’m trying to do. “Hey! Ed! Can I speak to you for a moment?” Everyone sitting there including him look bewildered, but he gets up from his seat, when I stun everyone watching me, minus Sonia, when I give him a crushing embrace, saying, and “Thank you so much! I thought about what you said and you’re right! I need to relax into me.”

At that moment, Sonia comes up to us and says, “Hey, Ed! Would you join us today?”   

Looking back to his friends, he comes to a decision, “You know what! Yeah! Sure,” he says, grabbing his stuff.

As we sit down, I notice his friends, get up and walk over to us. “Yes? What do you want,” I say, back in tone as an ice queen? They put their stuff down, as I witness Sonia getting nervous and cagey. I suspect she wants to tell him. More reason to let my wrath be heard. “NO!! Leave this instant! YOU! WERE! NOT! INVITED!”

“Fine! Whatever! We don’t want you here anyways. You going or staying, Ed?” The leader says in a sneer. It’s obviously an ultimatum.

“You know what. Yeah, I am” Ed says with a proud chest and confidence in his voice. “I have to be true to myself and be free of your shit!” They walked away with one less member than they started the day with.

That act of rebellion and closing statement seem to fuel, her, as she speaks with all her confidence and easy-going nature back, “Ed. I’m trans fem, and my name is Sonia. She/They pronouns, please.”            

He smiles. “I’m both proud and happy for you, Sonia! Nice to meet you!”

¹And we're almost done. One more chapter/epilogue to go. I'll probably write more with these characters, but they'll be their own stories (eventually). The last thing to mention is that the epilogue (from Sonia's perspective) will be released 7 August (this year). It's a special day for me :)