At home, my little interaction with my father stayed on my mind.

I thought I no longer sought acknowledgment from my parents, but reality proved my wrong. Some parts of me didn’t want to be hated by my father. But quite frankly, I wondered if he even deserved to be called my father. In both lifetimes, he was never there. And in this lifetime, I was even more aware of that. Hence why I was making the effort to call him ‘Duke’ even when I was merely thinking about him.

My father, Gerard Salzur Blackburn, was a straightforward man in terms of his behavior. He hated my mother, Arabella, so he stayed away from her. And as a product of the woman he hated, it was only natural he didn’t feel much affection for me. I used to wonder why he never just divorced her, then I learned that his marriage to my mother was bestowed by the King. 

Sometimes I wished I had another father figure.

Unfortunately, I didn’t, so whether consciously or unconsciously, I sought the Duke’s acknowledgment. Now that I was aware of this, I planned on beating this out of myself.

I didn't want to be attached to my father.

I had learnt the hard way to only give as much as you receive. In my previous life, I sought his affection. I did so many things to get him to look at me. To actually look at me. But all I got was indifference. 

Quite frankly, the Blackburn family was just a volatile cesspool.

My own mother hated my guts but then again, who asked her to drug my father and get pregnant? She basically wanted to eat her cake and have it, but reality told her no. All in all, a bloody fool.

Then there was my aunt, Eugenia Blackburn. The only reason I knew so much about the future.

As I said, my life revolved around Prince Edmund so I didn’t know anything if he wasn’t involved. But when we were in prison, Lady Eugenia seemed to use me as some sort of confession table. She told me a lot of things. A lot of things I didn’t expect her to know. And a lot of horrible things she did. I used to think of Lady Eugenia as a toxic but simply annoying individual. But afterward, my view of her changed to a dangerous bastard.

And finally, we have my half-brother, Rowan Blackburn. He hates my mother's guts because he thinks she murdered his mother. And hates my guts for the same reason. He was an absolute madman who got his entire family murdered and married the murderer of his family.

Actually, I wasn't too sure if they got married. Last I know, they were engaged.

‘Wow, when I list it like that, I realize I’m actually surrounded by lunatics. No wonder I didn’t even make it to 18.’

I sighed loudly and let myself sink into my bed.

I was starting to feel sleepy.

* . * . *

“Ow.”

I exclaimed and fell back.

Rubbing my head, I looked to see who I bumped into.

‘I really needed to stop getting lost in thought.’

I quickly found myself looking at the irritated face of my mother and my face fell. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and turned to walk away.

“Lydia,” she called out, but there was a weird inflection in her voice.

I looked at her with a brow raised. She looked conflicted about something. I waited for a while but when she didn’t continue, I spoke up, “Yes, mother?”

“…Have you eaten?”

I blinked, surprised, “Yes...”

“I see,” she curtly replied and walked away.

‘What was that?’

I gazed in the direction she just came from. That was the path to the Duke’s office.

‘Hmm…is the Duke home?’

Instead of continuing to the library, I began to head to his office. The engagement proposal hadn’t come in yet, but I had no doubt the Duke knew it was on its way. So I wanted to try my luck and ask him to refuse it.

I stood in front of the big brown doors to the Duke’s office and glanced at the man standing by the side. He wore an eye-patch on one eye and his ebony hair was neatly parted to one side.

I could feel him staring at me and I returned the stare. Despite me standing here for some time, the man made no move to announce my presence or let me inside.

Butler Pierce.  

A man who was fiercely loyal to my father, the Duke. I barely ever saw this man, but I knew who he was. Everyone in the Blackburn family knew who he was.

I broke the stare first and took in a huge breath.

“Your Grace! May I come in?!” I yelled at the top of my voice, startling the man beside me.

“Milady, the Master is busy. Do not raise your voice,” the butler admonished sternly.

I paid him no attention and listened to the rustling inside the room. Moments later, the Duke’s deep voice rang out, “Come in.”

I flashed the butler a smile and gestured to the door. He furrowed his brows but opened the door anyway.

I walked in and took in the smell in the room. It smelt like…ink. The Duke was staring at me with such intensity I felt he would bore a hole through my head.

I curtsied, “Greetings to Your Grace.”

“What is it?” There was a slight frown on his face.

I considered making small talk, but I decided to go for the main point, “I hear I will be getting engaged to Prince Edmund?”

The Duke’s frown deepened, “From who?”

I smiled slightly, “I merely overheard. Is it false?”

He paused and gave me a once over before replying, “It is not false.”

Although I already expected this answer, my face fell. My life….was heading in the same direction. I clenched my fist and spoke through grit teeth, “May I not be engaged?”

The Duke lowered the document in his hand and leaned back in his seat. There was an odd emotion in his eye that I couldn’t quite interpret.

There was silence for a while then I heard him ask, “Why?”

I opened my mouth and closed it. I didn’t have any sensible reason. Sure, Prince Edmund had a hand in my downfall but to put it bluntly, he did 30% of the work and I did the remaining 70%. I chased after a man who didn’t want me and took out my frustrations on the woman he was enamored with. Prince Edmund was planning on breaking our engagement, but he didn’t do anything to me until I tried to poison her.

Yes, poison.

I would like to say I didn’t know what came over me, but I knew exactly what came over me.

Rage.

I was beyond enraged.

It was one thing to know Prince Edmund's affections for her and it was another thing to see Prince Edmund kissing her. He was mine. He was my fiancé. Whether he liked it or not.

So when my maid offered me poison, I took it without thinking more. And I regretted it right after.

I tried to back out of it, but it was already too late.

Yes, I was an idiot. A used idiot. And I still am an idiot.

It’s at times like this that I have to ask why was I given a second chance. I couldn’t even fathom how, but I was starting to think perhaps it was a mistake.

Because there was no way in hell I deserved it.

“It is an honor to be betrothed to His Highness...” I heard the Duke begin to say. And my mouth moved before I could stop it.

“I like Prince Julius, Your Grace.”

I could see surprise color my father’s face. And I cringed inwardly.

‘Why did I say that?’

I couldn’t think of a better excuse, so I went with the first thing that popped into my head. 

“You’ve met Prince Julius?” his voice had a hint of suspicion.

‘Oh no’, I immediately thought. I was yet to meet Prince Julius. My mind raced to find a suitable reply. I forced myself to blush and stammered a response, “I-I saw him...when Prince Edmund...was taking me around...”

“Hm,” the Duke grunted and let the silence hang in the air. I opened my mouth to speak again then I heard the Duke say, “You’ll find that Prince Edmund is a perfect match for you. It is only right that you are engaged. You are just a child. It is understandable to like a pretty face.”

I froze.

“I am busy. Do not interrupt me when I am working again. You shall be let off this time as it is your first offence. You may go,” his gaze fell back to his document and he picked up his ink pen.

A child…

‘Ah, yes. I am indeed a child.’

I turned around my mind blank. I didn’t even notice when I walked back to my room. I climbed into my bed and stared at the air.

And I stayed like that for a while.