You dare!? Side A

    I was baffled, confused, hoodwinked, bamboozled (in a way), and maybe more than anything else….. lost. I'm leaving GG's home, with the kids in tow. The last couple of hours were spent in a very awkward environment. I didn't know how to respond to the revelation that my son thinks that GG is his mother. I should have pieced this together myself but even more so, from what GG said Hayley had nothing to do with it. I can only believe, and when I say this it goes against what GG claimed, Hayley orchestrated it.

"I'm sorry baby, he called me mommy and I didn't have the heart to correct him." 

Was what GG said, but we've grown so close that I could tell she tried to take blame because she tried to be extra sweet with her words. I liked it too, which is an issue, but I really think it's cute. The fact I saw her signaling "be quiet" to Hayley didn't help. I can understand why she did it, she doesn't want me to feel the kids are choosing her over their mother, which can make sense. However I'm worried that Hayley sees her mother so little that she designated another mother to Jon-jon so she wouldn't lose any more attention from her. GG has mentioned she still believes we were the greatest couple, and I don't want to argue that point anymore with her. Inknownher views, but I want to move on because it stings my heart when others say how happy we used to look.

In all honesty, I was conflicted after this and my heart broke. The idea of GG being Jon-jons mom made me…. Happy. The time and care she put into this boy made the idea of her giving birth to him so wonderful to me. Almost like I wanted to go back in time and put the fetus that was in Tamera, into GG. I honestly felt like shit for it at the same time. Holding Jon-jon in my arms and Hayleys hand while walking home, I stopped. I sighed a little bit and I had to ask Hayley.

"Do you still love your mom?", I tried not to sound sad at the question.

"Of course, I love mommy!" She looked at me with a dipped chin and glaring eyes. As if I disrespected her, and part of me was happy for it. Knowing my issues with my wife didn't spill over to my daughter is a blessing, although it will make living away from my wife a little more difficult.

"Do you love Aunt GG?", I had to ask to gauge her response.

"Duhhhhhhh daddy!", She pulled her arm away from me and crrossed her arms. "Are you telling Aunt G I don't like her!". She snapped at me with a facial expression of betrayal.

"No, no, no," I dropped to a knee to speak with her while holding Jon-jon, who just turned his head at the mention of GG. "No, no, no baby. Daddy just wants to…." I lost my thoughts a little. "Think about what to write to Santa! If Hayley said she was mad at someone I would definitely let Santa know that, that person deserved coals for Christmas." I staggered out.

"Hmmm…." Hayley looked at me judgmentally. "Beatrice from school said my outfit didn't match the other day, so write that down. Aunt G said she just jelly, and being jelly is bad."

"I'm sorry little Beatrice, but you're getting thrown under a bus.", I patted Hayleys head, "I'll make sure to write that down."

"Good!" 

I stand up and grab Hayleys hand as I walk us to our destination. I've never felt out of place when heading home before even with everything that's happened. Today however felt different, I was a little anxious. As we turned the corner of the wooden fence, we see Tamera's car there in the drive way. I may have squeezed Hayleys hand a little, but with heavier foot steps we walked inside.

……..

……….

…………

*Door closes*

"Honey is that you?" A lovely voice echoed out, when I heard the phrase that in the past used to always make me so happy to be home.

"MOMMY!?" Hayley yelled out in excitement although I noticed the shock in Hayley's voice because she's not used to seeing her mom anymore. At the sound if Hayley's voice a figure stepped out from down the hall. She was wearing one of her old dresses that was much more modest. Blue and made of cotton, the dress came down to her shins. It was one that she hasn't put on in years, and now the site of her in it, is like a demon defiling the memory of mlthe wife I loved so much. I reflexively clenched my jaw.

"Hey baby!!" Tamera rushed up to hug Hayley. She picks Hayley up and was about to kiss Hayleys cheek.

"Don't!" I said out of instinct. Hayley and Tamera looked at me. "Hayley, you have to wash up and get ready for dinner.". 

"Ok daddy!" Hayley wiggled and gets out down and goes up stairs. Tamera looked a little disappointed but looks at Jon-jon and approaches me. Jon-jon looks right at Tamera and as she extends her arms to grab him, he turns away and hugs my neck.

"Hey, what's wrong little guy?", Tamera asked softly while tickling his side but he ignored her.

"He's shy around strangers." I said bluntly.

"Tum-", she saw my eyes slant at her words, "Jens I'm his mother, how can I be a stranger?" I can see she got upset at me.

"When was the last time you were with him for longer than an hour?" I said in a stern but gentle voice.

"That's not fair… I had-"

"I know what you had to do, and the only people it was unfair for is everyone in this house EXCEPT you." Noticing I almost raised my voice I put Jon-jon down and told him find Hayley and wash up too. He runs off holding the railing of the stairs as he goes.

"Is this how tonight's going to be!?" 

"How is it suppose to be? You randomly tried to get me to fuck you after who knows how many other men, and after one of them came in you and now I'm suppose to what?" The difference between me and Tamera, isn't just the opposing sides. I had 9 months of trying to get her to see me again. 9 months of all my effort being glossed over, I would not be like this 9 months ago, hell one month ago and she would have gotten what she wanted right now. But, the me in front of her is staring her down and forcing her to acknowledge how messed up it would be to act like everything she did, did not happen. 

"Am I just a slut to you now!?" She tried to deflect the issue.

"Tell me, you tell me how I'm supposed to feel." I glared at her and she bit her lip. After a moment of silence I begin to unbutton the dress shirt I wore all day for the meetings. "I'll get dinner started and don't try to kiss my kids again until I witness you clean your mouth out." 

Not realizing right away, but this was my first mistake. I cook in undershirts or old clothes when inside the house. I make gravy and sauces and they bubble, honestly I've been doing it topless when GG is over or when I'mat hers. She loves seeing a naked man in an apron cook, she said it reminds her of a movie. She also likes licking any splatter that hits my body.

    Due to me stripping down to my tank top, I don't know how much of what I said did Tamera hear. Her eyes were glued to me, but the reaction she gave me, was not what I have been used to. Despite it not being talked about, women will gawk and stare, some will even cat call. The bolder ones will try and touch me, but all of them will turn on those eyes of seduction. GG helped me realize how popular I am and how awful I was at dating to ruin such an advantage, but right now Tamera isn't ogling me or gawking. Infact, she began to tear up.

"I'm so fucking stupid!" Tamera fell to her knees and began to sob.

"What….?began to sob. 

"Huh…?". I was confused by her reaction.

"I didn't…. I didn't even notice." She is just sitting on the floor, covering her mouth and shaking her head. 

This was the exact situation I tried to avoid. It's why I tried to stay calm but establish clear boundaries with a stern voice. However much she may be a deceitful woman, and no matter how prepared I was to leave, I couldn't handle this. I had over 250 days knowing about my wife's affairs. So many days of not feeling good enough and finally finding my worth. I built a tolerance to her actions and decided what to do, however when it comes to my wife crying I had only seen it nine times, well now 10. Seven before we were married and three afterward. Once when my daughter was born, once when my father passed away, and this now.

Unable to withstand what's going on, I approach her, lean down, and pick her up. I haven't done this since she was pregnant with Jon-jon, and I honestly had a harder time with that. Right now she is lighter than the barbell I curl. She buried her head into my chest and gripped my biceps firmly. I disliked being touched by her, but I couldn't leave her alone. I carried her to the sofa and sat her down. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a few napkins and gave her some.

"I'll start dinner, just relax and calm down. The kids will be down soon." I tried to walk away, but she softly grabbed my hand.

"Can I watch you cook?" She asked weakly. That was when we would always talk about our day and be playful, she has to know that isn't going to happen, but looking at the tears falling from her eyes I couldn't say no.

*sigh*

"Do what you want." I said passively. 

     I walked back to the kitchen and placed my shirt on a dining room chair. I walk to the pantry and grab the apron hanging on it. After putting it on I open the pantry and grab a few things. Couple cans of stewed tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice, and a jar of minced garlic. Hanging above my counter is a three tier basket I hold herbs and onions in. I also have avocados but I'm not using those. I grab parsley, oregano, basil, and an onion. From the fridge I grab my ground pork and ground beef. Then to finish the gathering, I get my phone out and play my music, Doo wop from the 50's and 60's.

        Preparing the meal is easy as I don't follow traditional methods since current technology exists. What would have taken 4 hours can now be done in less than one. I mince, chop, fry, broil, mix, and season. Within 20 minutes of my cooking I had an audience. Tamera and the kids. Tamera and Hayley kept a bit of distance to allow me to work, but Jon-jon is about 2 feet away from me. Usually GG would hold him and they'd both watch me do this, but I guess he is making due with what he has and is just staring up at me. I'd like to pick him up myself but then he wouldn't be watching me doing anything.

Within 40 minutes I have the sauce simmering and noodles being boiled. There was now splatter on the apron so I'll hang that back on the pantry knob. I open the pantry and grab a bottle of wine that Tamera likes when I make pasta. I open it and make her a glass, I hand it to her and tell everyone to go to the table.

Hayley leads Jon-jon to the table and Tamera lingers on with a small smile on her face glancing at the bottle I opened and the glass in her hand.

"If you no longer like this brand, I'll go to the store." I said flatly. I was being sincere, she hasn't been here for dinner in months and even when she was she would show up when me and the kids were eating already and then she'd be on her phone the entire time. However, her face dropped at my suggestion.

"This was the wine our moms drank, I wouldn't dislike it."

"Doesn't mean there isn't a different wine you'd prefer, does it?" I didn't say this out of pettiness, my wife has changed everything about herself. She scoffed at the clothes I bought myself and the kids, she belittled the fact I still drove our old car, she claimed I didn't dress appropriately to attend gatherings with her coworkers, and honestly seeing it all at face value it's like the person I fell in love with was gone longer than I realized.

Tamera put the glass down and went to the table with a sullen look.

You dare!? Side B

(Hours ago)

   

   Penny and I left the office, it had been decided that I will leave the company after a month. Two weeks is too soon to get a hold of my clients and transition them to someone else. Penny told me I was making a wrong choice but I explained that I still need to be seen in a positive light to move to a different company.

    We walked down the hall and I entered our work area but Penny didn't stop. She kept walking. I was puzzled for a moment and just followed her. She walked out of the office and we went to the elevators, we didn't speak a word to each other. We ended up about to leave the building before I said something.

"Penny, what are you doing?" I hurried my feet to cut her off 

"I'm leaving and I'm showing you how easy it is." She said in a stiff voice 

"Penny, I can't just leave. How am I going to provi-"

"Provide for who Tammy?! I've gone out with you, I've seen your pay and seen your spending. I should have been a better friend, I should have thought of your kids even though you weren't, but answer me honestly." Penny stared at me as if demanding a straight answer. "How much of the last couple years worth of money have you spent on your family?"

"I-I don't know." I said in a weak voice. "I would just tell Jensen to take care of it and give him my card number."

"Giving your little wife all she needs when you're not there, huh Sherman." Penny looked at me with disgust and my face has already lost all blood in it. Penny was referencing how he would just give his wife access to his money when we would go on our business outings. "The way yo- we treated Jensen was worse than you are even willing to see."

"Giving up my career won't help anyone Penny!" I sounded as if I was trying to convince myself more than her. "What would all of my sacrifices have been for? All the time I missed with my kids, if I lost my career, what would all that lost time have been for!?"

"It would have been for what you honestly lost that time for. For dick you stupid bitch. I was mad at my husband and I lost myself, but you gave up your kids and husband for strangers and Sherman, OH! and apparently our fucking boss! That's what all that time you missed was for and instead of fixing things you are still being greedy!"

"That's not fair, this isn't fair! You were with me most of the time Penny!"

"Yeah I know! And I honestly feel that even I cheated on Jensen somehow. I feel as though me not stopping you is just as bad as cheating on him. I hate how he looked at me, I hate myself more than he can hate me, and then to top it off if I wasn't in there with you today, I don't think you would have even attempted to quit." Penny's eyes changed from anger to something else. "The way you looked at that man in that office, Tams, you need help."

"Penny, Jensen is my husband, you did nothing wrong to him and I will fix us."

"The way you only focused on him being yours and not any other part of what I said…." Penny's eyes drop, and they begin to water up. "I can't do this, Tam. I'm sorry. I won't be back, I'll use my vacation and sick leave and I'm not coming back. Don't call me for a while." Penny said that as she brushed past me and walked out the door.

"Penny. Penny!" I walked behind her calling her as we exited the door. "Penny!" I called one more time, but I had to get back to work.

I focused on work and just kept my head low. I ignored Sherman and anyone else trying to talk to me. I had to finish all the work I stacked up with every account I made and transfer them to someone I can trust, or that could handle the job due to not trusting anyone else at work. I finished work on time and I wanted to get home. Today I would have the kids and Jensen, I need to be on time.

"Hey Ladybug." But I was stopped, I turned to see Mr. Ronsten approaching.

"Oh, h-hello sir." He approached me and wrapped my waist with one arm.

"Do you have a minute?" He said while looking at me like I was just a meal to him.

"Sir, I have plans with my family so I have to go."

"Ladybug~, I know when something is wrong with you. Come on, just talk about it and you'll feel better before going home." He said in a reassuring tone. His hand slowly stroked my back and a tear began to flow from my eyes and just started to vent.

I vented about Jensen and Penny, how I felt abandoned by them. I even vented about how my husband has been sleeping with the young neighbor. We ended up sitting at my desk and talking.

"Well can you blame a man for wanting a lovely young lady?" He said in a cool deep voice as he put his hand on my thigh. "Men are weak and give into temptation too easily."

His voice has become reassuring to me over these couple of years that I could lose track of time when I'm with him. His hand slowly creeped into my skirt, and I looked at it as it was going between my thighs. 

"Huh!?" That's when I noticed the time on his watch. "No, no, no, no." I got up in a panic. "Thank you sir I have to go." We talked for over an hour and now I'm late. 

I rushed home. I realize what almost happened and how I almost gave up on a chance to be with Jensen and the kids. I sped home and ran all the lights. When I got home I was relieved to find out that no one was home yet. 

I went into my bedroom and was going to change into an appropriate evening outfit, so I opened my closet and laid out an outfit. I wanted something a little sexy to try and get Jensen's attention, and I had the perfect set. I went to my dresser and planned to pick out a nice lingerie set to entice him after the kids go to bed but upon opening the top drawer I noticed that all the photo frames on top of the dresser were face down.  

"Huh?", I don't know when he did this, but he didn't just face all the picture frames down, he moved all the photos of me and him onto my dresser. Because they were face down I didn't notice them being there, but they took up all the space on top of my dresser. I flipped all the frames up and bursts of memories flooded within my mind. Photos he took, we took, had done, and also the ones he cropped. Our wedding photo made me tear up, but the one that broke me was the photo he edited. It was a photo of him being sick as a child and I stayed by his side. Our mothers thought it was so cute that when I fell asleep by his side they took a picture. The part he edited was that Hayley did the same thing with Jon-jon. He was a little over a year old and sick, and Hayley, not knowing anything, panicked. So Jenson taught her out to take care of a sick person but she wouldn't leave his side. I was working and Jenson told me no matter what he did, Hayley wouldn't leave Jon-jon's side.

"What was it he told me that she said?"

"I'm the big sister and I let my first little brother break then you guys might not give me another!"

"Fuck." The tears are streaming from my eyes. Jenson asked for a third kid, he even did it playfully but all i did was yell at him and make a fight happen so I had an excuse to leave so I could…."so I could….. so… i…"

I turned over all the pictures and I saw the younger me and Jenson. Some of the pictures had him looking at me as we took the picture, a couple others had his face looking toward the camera but he still stared at me with his eyes. So infatuated with me that it always seemed like he saw me for the first time everytime he woke up.

"Did I lose that!? I don't even know how he looks at me now."

A new feeling rose inside of me. Instead of shame and regret, I felt a burning rage. I don't understand why, but I became angry at the thought that he would stop looking at me like that. It's illogical, it's irrational, but him not looking at me like that pissed me off. I looked at the pictures and realized, that I don't dress like the woman he stared at. So I knew the outfit I needed, and I decided to go into the far end of my closet. After 15 minutes I became frustrated, all the old outfits I used to wear were missing, most likely I threw them out so I stopped falling back on "awful fashion", but all I have left are the outfits I barely wore.

It was a blue dress with buttons in the front. It was heavier than what I usually wear now and it went down below the knees. I'm so upset that this would appeal to him more than what I wear, but I want him to look at me properly. I quickly changed and went downstairs to put my clothes in the wash.

*Che-chuk* the sound of the front opening and closing.

"They're here! Let's have a good night!"

……..

……… …….

…………………

I'm sitting at the table reflecting on everything that happened.

"I'm a contaminated slut to this man."

He wouldn't let me kiss Hayley, Jon-jon doesn't like me, I saw how rugged his body became with me knowing, to top it all all I want is for him to fuck me. He's the man I always loved and I know I may have hurt him, but seeing him this stocky and built and literally chopping spaghetti noodles so our son can eat easily has my womb aching. I'll have another kid right now if it's with this version of Jenson in front of me, but he won't even look at me with a smile. He's talking with the kids with that beautiful smile of his and as soon as I chime in…. It disappeared.

"I'm still his wife! Why is he treating me like this?!"

We were going to watch a movie after dinner, but he made me shower before we did. He came into the bathroom rubbing alcohol and listerine. He made me get in the shower and gargle listerine while he coated me below the neck with rubbing alcohol. Then I was allowed to shower.

I went along with it because he said Hayley missed me, but wouldn't let her touch me unless I did this. I don't even know if this kills potential external STD's or if he did it to shame me, but I complied. True to his word, he let Hayley cuddle with me during the movie, he offered Jon-jon to do the same but he shook his head and clung to Jenson.

…..

……..

………..

We got the kids ready for bed and I was anticipating our evening, but when we got to the bedroom he let me know that he would leave right now if the kids weren't here.

"Really?", I finally couldn't take it anymore. No matter how guilty I felt, I couldn't overcome the sudden change in my home life. My pride didn't allow it. "Go live your life then and I'll raise the kids myself!", I threatened him.

"I threatened him!", even unconsciously I knew this was a bad move, but instead of a natural angry reaction….. he laughed at me.

"Hahahahahha! You, raise the kids? You already gave up on that for years and you wanna say this now? I offered to let you spend time with them and that's why we're here, but trust me you have no control over anything that's happening because of your choices." His words echoed in my mind, I couldn't believe this. This wasn't the man I married, but it didn't mean I wanted to lose him.

"I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE!", I spoke honestly, but he glared at me like u just insulted his deceased mother.

"You have no more." He said flatly.

"Custody!" I blurted.

"ARE YOU ABOUT TO THREATEN CUSTODY TO ME!? HOW DARE YOU!!!", He turned a shade of purple and was obviously furious, this isn't what I wanted. I don't want this. My chest aches, and everything hurts. I begin to hiccup and squeak out the words I intended.

"N-N-N-*hic*-no." I shake my head and tears fall from my eyes. This is the only gamble I can think of but I think it'll work. "I'll… I'll… I'll give up..*sniffle*."

"Look I have a busy day tomorrow so if you can't talk then-"

"Ill-give-up-custody-if-you-and-go-to-marriage-counsleing." I said in one breath. "Give me a *sniffle* real chance and if-if I fail, I'll give up custody."

Cheating isn't a crime. By the time courts happen for the divorce I'll have no drug ls in my system. This is all the leverage I have, no court takes children aways from their mother without proof or reason of a crime.

Jensons eyes opened wide in shock. He stated at me as if I was a piece of shit.

"I won't lose the kids, this isn't a gamble! I just know we can fix this and I'm confident. Do you agree!?" He softened his eyes and stared at me.

"We get this in writing." Was all he said and I nodded firmly and sank into bed. He put a pillow between us, but that pillow smelled like his so it still helped me.

"I'll keep this family together."

That's all I thought about as I drifted to sleep.