Somewhere in Intersection

Crash!

“What's going on?”

“Someone was hit by a truck!”

“Is he survive?”

The busy intersection became busier after everyone gathered around. Someone was dying. Daniel, a 21-year-old guy with no luck with women, had been hit by a truck. There was no possibility for him to survive anymore. He could not even move his neck, which turned toward a strange door with “WELCOME TO ISEKAI” words on the front.

“Here we go.”

***

The Afterlife

“Excuse me? Summimasen? Entschuldigung! Salom? Anybody homeeee?”

Not bothering to ask any questions, Daniel entered the heaven door like a Walmart customer. The scenery before him was unnecessarily wide, without any borders or walls. Everything was strange. He wandered around in a brightly lit, white room with a shimmering floor that was so clean that he stopped for a while just to adore his handsomeness.

“Hmmm, I thought I'll wear a white robe like in the movies.”

He could see that his appearance was the same as before his death. Daniel was a bit surprised when he realized he was wearing nothing but pink shorts. At least he had something to wear, though. He continued to explore the vast space until he saw a small dot in the distance. The strange dot was surprisingly a messy office desk and chair after he saw it up close. He felt even stranger when he found that on the desk were also stationery, a laptop, an anime calendar, and a paper bag from the next-door fast food stall.

“Am I really dead?”

The desk before him was so earthly that Daniel sneaked up on the chair without a second thought. He turned on the laptop on the table to open the file, peeking into the contents of the laptop and exploring everything on it. There were so many files of 4K adult anime, all of which had a “loli” tag.

“This is horrible!”

Daniel felt disgusted that he chose to search any file about himself that might give him a cheat-like power. Tadaaaa! He found it. Daniel laughed hard when he saw his name on a game-like interface with some numbers that seemed changeable. Obviously, he didn't think twice about making himself overpowered if he were reborn in another world. Just like in the Isekai novel. But someone reprimanded him when he was about to touch the keyboard.

“Cough! Cheating is a sin, young man.”

***

A moment later

“I’m a god, O my child. Praise me.” Said a man in an all-black formal suit.

Daniel remained suspicious of the figure before him. By looking at his suit, tie, and classic watch, the early 20s man looked more like an insurance agent than a god. His style was noticeable. The self-proclaimed god kept blabbering about his offer like a real insurance agent.

“C‘mon, dude. Take my offer. You will reincarnated as a hero.”

“My dad told me not to believe someone who watched he*ntai.”

“You have a father?”

“No, I'm an orphan.”

No matter how hard the god persuaded him, Daniel kept refusing. He wasn't a guy who easily said yes to everything. Particularly when the offer was too good to be true. On the other side, the god acted persistently, while Daniel didn't give a damn.

“You will have a great power, dude. Skills, magic, mecha! When else can you get a mecha?”

“Not interested.”

The God stood, pointing at above and shouting. “Hareeeeem!”

“Do I look that desperate to women?”

“Yes. I can see a ‘virgin’ stamp on your forehead.”

Daniel tried his best not to get offended. He squinted with a more suspicious look because the god had acted like a random scammer. His behavior was too obvious.

“C’mon, my friend. I’m serious about sending you to a fantasy world with game-like skill.” The god didn't give up and showed his cards desperately. “When else a virgin like you can go to Isekai and meet a sexy loli?”

“I ain't a pedophile.”

“MILF!”

“Do I look like someone who need a mother figure so bad?”

“A sexy muscular guy!”

“Oh come on!” Daniel could not stand it anymore. He pounded the table and leaned forward to assert his tone. “Answer my question, Mr. God. Am I really dead?”

“Yes.”

“You made me die?”

“Yes. I sent a truck-kun to steal your first kiss. Congratulations.” The god clapped his hands as if everything were normal. He didn't show any guilt at all after causing someone to die. There was also not a single mark of shame on his face, even though he got busted storing hideous files. Daniel started to think that the god before him was too lazy and irresponsible.

“You’re a worker god or something?”

The god didn't answer immediately. He put two finger on his own forehead and laughed like a cool anime character. “Indeed, youngman. Fufufufu! We, the gods, also have our needs like humans. We have to work and get paid with divinity. And you know what? I always exchange my divinity for dollars and get earth stuff I can buy on Amazon.”

“Oh, is that so?” Daniel looked at anime posters and action figures, all of which were loli characters. Not to mention his laptop, which had so many weeb’s stuffs inside. “So, the god summon a hero and send them to other world so you guys will get your divinity back?”

“You're smart and quick-witted, Fufufu! Of course, our divinity is gained by any devotee’s worship down there. I might look like this, dude. But I’m a god, you know? You have to become my apostle and spread my greatness to my future prayers.”

“When the last time you sent an apostle?”

“189 years ago, Fufufu! And he died in first day.”

“What? 189 years?” Daniel was in shock to realize how irresponsible was the god before him. “So, how the heck did you get your money for this all, huh? Don't tell me you're in debt!”

There was no longer “Fufufu” to be heard. The god stopped acting cool and cleared his throat. Daniel’s word was straight on the spot. It was obvious that a lazy guy like him should get his money the easiest way possible. In the end, the god couldn't keep his straight face and begged with a tear in his eyes.

“Please help me, dude. My debt is one divinity away from my discharge as a god. Be my apostle, please. I will make a the most overpowered hero ever! I promise!”

***

Some moments later

Daniel just found out that the afterlife had similarities to the world he used to live in. To be precise, how they managed the souls was like a company, and the god in front of him, Artifex, was a lazy employee who liked to skip work to do his nasty hobbies. Artifex was literally about to be fired. And he had a ridiculous amount of divinity debt that made him one loan away from the heavenly gulag, a place for a sinner god like him to be enslaved for eternity. That's why he had no choice but to treat Daniel, a mere mortal, as his equal partner.

“Alright, I get it.” Reading the proposal, Daniel showed a grin. He knew that the god before him was someone who could use his brain. “Don't beat around the bush. Good news and bad news. Spill out the bad one.”

Artifex raised an eyebrow in praise for Daniel, who immediately knew the right way to negotiate. “First, I’m just a lowly worker who give you nothing but those pink shorts.” He glanced at Scheisse’s only clothes after he died. “So don't ask to be reincarnated like other Isekai protagonists. because Heaven has a strict rule about copyright. And a lowly worker like me has no authority to violate it.”

“And the good news?”

“I will share my divinity. But I can't give you more than one percent. You know what? You will be under suspicion if your divine power is too high.”

“So, I will have one percent of the god's power.”

“No doubt.”

Ughhh, the offer was so tempting that Daniel couldn't hide his expression. Divinity, the currency of the gods, would definitely be a cheat if it were used by a mortal like him. And Artifex illegally shared it as part of the deal. No matter what being he would be reborn as, Daniel would become overpowered.

“Okay, I don't mind. As long as I can use my brain, everything is fine.”

“That’s my friend!” Artifex didn't waste his time writing his apostle-to-be’s word to be a term and condition. “And I have more good news for you.”

“What?” Right after he said it, Daniel’s grin was wider when Artifex showed him the Woomba Boomba computer codes.

“You must be guessing that you will get an RPG-like system on your power, don't you? And you know what? I, Artifex, the only god who knows the might of a human’s computer, have hacked the heaven's main server.”

“Holy cow!” Daniel unconsciously jumped from his chair as he realized how smart Artifex was. “You will hack my system and status board?”

“Of course, because I'm not a cheater, dude. I'm a modder!” The slacker god fixed his tie like a businessman who made a billion dollars dealing. Printing the contract, he hand it over to Daniel and said, “So, what do you think?”

“Deal! Reincarnate me quickly!” Daniel didn't think twice to doodle his signature.

***

Outskirt of Gardhas Kingdom.

On the vast Meropis Continent, there was a kingdom that had been the gateway between human and demi-human civilizations, called Gardhas. The kingdom was the starting point for a hero’s journey with a “modded” system, under the name of a lazy god. Daniel was so excited that he just felt that something was off.

But what?

He read the contract once more, and there was nothing strange about it. Daniel was obligated to do the apostle’s things while Artifex gave him divinity and modified the system. There was also nothing strange in Isekai's basic terms and conditions. Whatever. As he loitered around as a soul, Daniel chose to watch the prologue rather than buy into his bad feelings.

The Gardhas, Daniel’s starting kingdom, ensured that the mystical creatures were safe from humans who wanted to keep them as slaves. So mainstream story. And it was even said that King Gardhas married an elven woman as a proof of his commitment. The interspecies couple had been blessed with a mixed child who would become the future protector of the elven race, dark elves, beastmen, dwarfs, and other races who had been discriminated against by humans. The mixed-race baby boy, meanwhile, had grown up to be a handsome, wise prince with elemental power from his mom and swordsmanship from his dad—

“Skippppp!” Daniel pressed the “Skip” button of his RPG-like story introduction. “Skip! Skip! Skip!” 

Daniel had guessed that he would not be reincarnated as a handsome half-elf. There were so many Isekai protagonists who had been reincarnated as a royal price. And Artifex was too poverty-stricken to be able to do that. Maybe he would be reborn as the prince’s servant or whatsoever, Daniel didn't care as long as he cound use his brain. So he kept pressing the skip button when the prologue uselessly kept mentioning the prince’s growth, until there were a start button available, when the prince became a dashing hero who always won on the battlefield. Together with his favorite horse, he fought against the human kingdom that wanted to colonize the elves' hometown. It was on the battlefield that Daniel began his story.

“Hohoho! I will reborn as a soldier, huh? Not bad.”

Daniel was satisfied enough when his soul flew like a plastic bag swayed by the wind, loitering toward a random soldier. Maybe the soldier would be dead and have exchanged his soul. However, the soldier was alive. Daniel started to panic when his soul entered the horse the soldier was riding.

“How broke are you that I have to be reborn as an animal, huh?”

To make matters worse, the horse was a male, so Daniel definitely would not rebirth from the pregnancy. He was too shocked to find out that Artifex was so broke that he could not even afford to reincarnate him as an animal. It was too late. Daniel was reincarnated when the horse's tail lifted up and released smelly things from its azz.

Fraaaapppp!

Thud!

Daniel was reincarnated as a crap.

“Are you kidding me!”