I halt, and the chief raises a hand.

“Hold on, Buliara… this one appears to be more than a common traveller. You there- what is your name?”

I curtsey, copying the movements Zel has demonstrated in front of me, time and time again. “My name is Linka, Lady Riju…”

The Chief mulls that over, before addressing me again. “Linka… and what is it you’ve come all the way her to tell me, Linka?”

I take a deep breath. “I… I can calm the Divine Beast, Vah Naboris.”

Buliara huffs. “You think you have what it takes to subdue something as powerful as a Divine Beast? The only ones who could ever control them were Champions like Lady Urbosa. And all of the Champions died in the Calamity one hundred years ago.”

Lady Riju sits up straighter, a hand to her cheek.

“Hmmm…. Buliara, a memory just jumped into my head- something my mother spoke of. When the Calamity happened, the princess of Hyrule placed a fallen swordsman into a deep sleep. That swordsman was named Link, a name similar to our new friend here… though it always seemed more legend than fact. And what of the device on this one’s hip? It appears to be a precious relic of the Sheikah. I can’t imagine they would give something so valuable to a simple drifter- can you?”

Buliara inclines her head.  “…I don’t remember ever hearing of a Hylian vai among the Champions. Wait a moment… you’re a voe!”

I flinch. “No… I was, but… not anymore. I realised I wasn’t happy with that. I chose to be true to myself, and thus I’ve made the choice to be myself.”

Riju holds up her hand again. “Well, a voe within our walls is a great crime, but…  A VAI-” she looks meaningfully at Buliara- “who is a Champion… well, we’d never mistreat a friend of Lady Urbosa. And if you’re here to help us with Naboris, then we are allies. You saw it, didn’t you? Divine Beast Vah Naboris, cloaked in a massive sandstorm, hurling lightning at any who dare approach. We have to do something to stop it, but we have yet to find any way to appease the Divine Beast on our own. If you truly are a Champion, perhaps you will be able to enter Naboris and quell its anger.”

Buliara frowns. “Lady Riju! I don’t see how you can trust a complete stranger with something as important as this task. Perhaps if she were first to prove her worth by recovering your stolen Thunder Helm…”

The chief nods. “Ah, yes… An interesting suggestion. You see, there is only one thing in all of Hyrule that can withstand the lightning from Naboris. The Thunder Helm, a family heirloom and relic of the Gerudo. But, as Buliara says, it was stolen from us.”

Buliara nods. “You needn’t worry, Lady Riju. If she truly is a Champion, this should be an easy task for her. Our soldiers can tell you all you need to know about the thieves who stole Lady Riju’s heirloom. Head through that arch. It will lead you to the barracks. Then, seek out Captain Teake, and ask for a full report.”

Riju smiles. “Without my heirloom, you’ll never be able to approach Naboris. Heh, you know… I take heart in having such a rare visitor as yourself. Lady Urbosa must be looking out for us.”

Following what the chief and her guard had said, I head through to the barracks. Upon approaching the captain, she barks, “What are you doing in here?! This is the barracks for the chief’s guards, not a place for tourists to gather. We’re on high alert after the recent theft, so you should clear out.”

I explain, “Buliara sent me, she told me to ask for a full report, so that I may attempt to retrieve the Thunder Helm.”

Captain Teake’s eyes widen. “My apologies! I’m the officer in charge of the soldiers, Captain Teake. The chief’s heirloom was stolen by thieves belonging to the Yiga Clan the other day, so everyone is on edge. We’ve determined that the Yiga’s hideout is in Karusa Valley, but… the soldiers are all exhausted. I was just thinking about requesting some extra help…”

 

She draws in a deep breath. “HEY, EVERYONE! LISTEN UP! This Hylian vai has agreed to help us, so offer her any information you can.”

She turns to me. “Consider yourself a part of our unit! If you have any questions, my troops will be happy to help.”

I approach the troops, and they start asking.

“Where’s Barta?”

“She said she was going to scout the thieves’ hideout, but then she left before we could say anything. Now that I think about it, she’s been gone for about two days. I wonder what happened to her…”

“You- Are you serious?! Why did you let her go by herself?! And why did you wait two days to report this?!”

“I’m- I apologize… she said she just wanted to check it out and would be careful, so I thought…”

“Uuugghh. As if we aren’t busy enough searching for the chief’s heirloom, now we have to find Barta too… if the captain hears about this, she’ll punish us for sure! Probably a hundred laps around the Gerudo Desert… again.”

“Oh… oh no. what should we do?”

“I’m thinking about it!”

 

I check my map, looking for the Karusa Valley. Finding it is the easy part. It’s a relatively straight trip from Gerudo Town, but a straight trip through sand is going to be a real slog…

By the end of the day, I’ve made it into the Karusa Valley, and, cautiously, I proceed through the cooling sand. One of the Yiga Clan’s soldiers, dressed in the same uniform as they used a century ago, ambushes me. I cut their bow in two, and they retreat.  Shortly after, a group of three more try the same trick, only to end up making friends with a few of my remaining bomb arrows.

Inside the Yiga Clan hideout, I spot a wall hanging moving in a draft. Only, there’s no way it should be moving. I light a torch from the pile scattered around the antechamber, and burn the wall hanging away, revealing a poorly-hidden staircase. Ascending it, I keep low. Across from the top of the stairway is a cell, with a Gerudo woman sitting inside. I creep over, pilfering the bananas lying on a tray outside the cell. Might come in handy...

“Barta?”

She looks up. “Hey, what are you doing here? This is the hideout of those Yiga thieves who stole the Thunder Helm… if they spot you, they’ll call their friends for sure. There’s no way you can take them all on. If only you had some way of distracting them… but I don’t know how. All I ever see them do is patrol and eat bananas. I haven’t seen anything else you could exploit as a weakness. Listen, this place is way too dangerous for a Hylian vai. You should get out of here while you can. I can take care of myself.”

I roll my eyes. “Okay, good luck with that. I’m going to retrieve the Thunder Helm for Lady Riju. See ya!”

 The first guard I see is much burlier than the skinny footsoldiers. A blademaster, I think they were called back then. I simply tail him, creeping up and darting down to the lower floor of the room, leaving a bunch of bananas in full view. Sure enough, the blademaster guarding the way deeper into the complex lets out a noise that sounds like he’s definitely spotted the bait. I dart around and watch from the doorway as he tiptoes over and looks about furtively, before pocketing the bananas. I move into the next part of the hideout, giggling silently.

“Well, at least he’ll be getting his potassium!”

There’s a ladder across the stairway, and I clamber up it, and creep along the overhanging walkway, to a store-room filled with a huge number of bananas. Using the walkway, I leap across to a pillar in the centre of the room, carefully balancing my way across the beams. One of the blademasters is blocking the door, again, and I hold a bunch of bananas out, letting it fall just where I need them to. As the Yiga goes for the bait, I paraglide over him and through the door, searching for the Thunder Helm.

There are a couple of chests half-buried in the sand, and, when I activate my Magnesis rune, one of the walls lights up, too. Odd. I use the rune to pull the chests out, nabbing myself a pair of topazes, as well as more bananas. Then, I turn my attention to the wall. It swings open towards me, and I slip through, into a wide, open-air chamber, a big hole in the floor. I can’t really tell how deep it is, but it’s very, VERY deep.

As I look around, I hear a voice.

“Hey!”

Someone appears nearby, just like one of the other would-be assassins.

“Who the heck are you? And what are you doing in my napping spot?!”

He leans in. “Wait a minute… that thing on your hip… is that… could it be a Sheikah Slate? If it’s a Sheikah Slate… then that means… Yeah! It’s YOU! You’re that Link guy I’ve been looking for!”

I look down at my clothing, my padded chest, and then check my makeup in a compact mirror from Zel’s vanity case. Then I raise an eyebrow at him.

“I’m Linka, actually. And I’m a girl. Not a guy. If you’re trying to offend me, it’s working.”

He seems too distracted to care.

“What luck! My scouts are out in the field looking high and low, but you just wandered into my hideout! Oh, excuse me. I haven’t even introduced myself yet. I am the leader of the Yiga Clan. The strong! The burly!! The one!! The only!!! MASTER KOHGA! Now, prepare yourself!”

He strikes a pose.

 

I stare at him, deadpan. “First, you deadname me. Second, you misgender me. Then, you act like I’m supposed to be impressed. I’m done with this. If you want a fight, I’ll give you one.”

 

He leaps back, surprisingly acrobatic for his bulk, a pale blue barrier appearing in front of him, and a large ball pops into view above him. The barrier falls, and I plant an arrow in his chest. It bounces off, but the distraction causes him to drop the ball on his own stupid head, ending up embedded in the sand. I stroll over and slap him repeatedly across the rear with the flat of the Master Sword until he manages to squirm free.

Then, wonder of wonders, he does the exact same thing again. I just… shoot him again, plant him for the second time, and slap him around some more. The second time he digs himself out of the hole I planted him in via stupidly-big ball, he decides levitating over the pit is a bright idea. Then, he creates TWO balls at once, rotating them. I wait till one is over his head, and then give him the old arrow-to-the-face treatment.

Over and over, he keeps making stupid decisions, and I almost feel bad for him. How did a guy THIS incompetent ever become the leader of ANYTHING???

After THAT plan being a failure gets driven into him, he makes a big, METAL ball, WITH SPIKES. Ohhh, nooooo. How can I, a girl with the power of MAGNESIS, possibly stop a ball susceptible to MAGNETS? Wow, even my internal dialogue is getting sarcastic. I am REALLY done with this guy’s nonsense.

After a couple of giant spiked metal balls to the top of the head, he returns to land. I watch, poker-faced, as he grumbles,

“Who would’ve thought… I’d be done in like this… by this guy, of all people! You think I’m just going to let this stand, do you?! Ahem…I almost lost my temper there… Argh, what a pain… I can’t go out this way… what to do, what to do…  Ha! I got it!”

 He starts chuckling, then laughing, then cackling insanely.

“I need to bust out… my SERIOUS moves! A secret technique taught by my father’s mother’s father!  It will…. Destroy you! This is the end!”

He starts focussing…. And makes a really, REALLY big stupid spiked ball.

His deranged laughter tails off. “Ahahahahha-uh… huh. Maybe it’s just a tad TOO big. Are you still over there? Well, no matter. Pretty soon, you’ll be gone! And not JUST from my line of sight! Only the leader of the Yiga Clan… can use this secret technique…”

I simply watch. The big stupid ball is… rolling back on him. Is this a joke? Was this LITERALLY the best the Yiga Clan has to offer??

As the ball topples over the edge of the pit, a howl of anguish echoes out, dwindling into nothing. “Coward! I shall be remembered! The Yiga Clan shall track you to the ends of Hyruuuuule!”

As I hear the sound of an impact, far, far below, I head over to the chest that appeared after Master Kohga just took himself out.  Yep, the Thunder Helm. Time to head back and hand this in to Lady Riju… Goddess Hylia, that guy made me feel stupider just fighting him…