A/N: Here's the new Chapter! Which also means the next four chapters are up on my Patreon for early access as well as the chance to vote on the direction of the story!

In which French Beef Stew solves all (most) of their problems.

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Silence falls over the ruins of La Charite as Jeanne Alter slowly chews her bite of stew-soaked bread. After a moment, she swallows and stares down at the bowl with an unreadable expression on her face. Everyone waits with bated breath, holding their tongues as the Dragon Witch carefully reaches for the spoon and with practiced movements, brings a spoonful of stew to her lips and puts it in her mouth.

Shirou feels like that’s a pretty good sign so far, but there’s none of the usual reactions he’d expect from someone eating his cooking for the first time. In fact, there was this one time that he made a dish that quite literally brought Saber to orgasm from tasting it alone. However… that was in a kitchen with the best ingredients imaginable.

There’s no denying that Shirou had cooked his heart out here, but at the same time he has to admit that his ingredients were pretty subpar. Not to mention he had to use that Noble Phantasm to speed up the stew’s simmering to make it finish within the thirty minute time limit he’d put on the whole challenge. Still, he’s proud of what he managed all the same. He just wished he knew if Jeanne Alter liked it or not.

The Dark Holy Maiden takes another bite of the stew but it’s just as carefully measured and managed as the first and there’s still not an ounce of emotion in those yellow eyes of hers. Until… until her spoon begins to dip down for a third bite, and her hand begins to shake. Shirou watches, a little tense… as Jeanne Alter suddenly cries out and collapses to her knees, sobbing helplessly.

Everyone else can only stare as she hugs the bowl of French Beef Stew to her chest, big honking tears coming out of her eyes and snot dripping down from her nose in record time.

“WHYYYYYY?! Why is it soooo good?! Why… why does this make me feel things I’ve n-never felt before?!”

Shirou… doesn’t know what to do. Does he go to her and comfort her? Does he… give her a hug? He doesn’t want to risk breaking the spell his food apparently has her under. Indeed, even as the Dragon Witch cries and wails, she’s also still eating the stew. Her shoulders shake and her body is wracked with sobs as she puts the spoon in her mouth again and again, even licking it clean a few times.

Before he can figure out what his next step should be, however, someone else interjects. Ruler Jeanne steps past Shirou and speaks up, her voice filled with longing and remembrance.

“It’s because French Beef Stew was something our family used to eat every week on Saturdays. The meal that our mother would cook for us to signal the end of the week and the transition into the next.”

Shirou feels bad when he sees the look of longing that Ruler Jeanne is tossing towards Jeanne Alter’s bowl. He feels guilty for not including her, but it made sense at the time to disqualify her as a judge for obvious reasons.

Meanwhile, Jeanne Alter looks up from her half-eaten bowl of stew in shock and wonder.

“W-What? What are you talking about?”

At that, the Holy Maiden of Orleans’ brow furrows in confusion. She takes another step closer to her darker counterpart and drops to her knees in front of her.

“Don’t you remember? We weren’t always the Saint. We were born and grew up just the same as everyone else. Born here in France, growing up in the country… do you not remember our family? Do you not remember our happiness?”

Yellow eyes wide as saucers, Jeanne Alter stutters.

“I… I…”

Meanwhile, Ruler Jeanne slowly reaches out and silently asks for the spoon. The Dragon Witch gives it to her, and Jeanne takes up a spoonful of Shirou’s stew and puts it in her mouth. She chews the French Beef Stew and then swallows, before letting out a happy humming sigh.

“… It’s good. Just like our mama used to make.”

A full body shudder runs through Jeanne Alter. She’s looking at her counterpart like she’s seen a ghost… or perhaps more like she’s just realized something truly horrifying.

“I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything before becoming a Saint. Why…”

There’s a look of pity on Jeanne’s face as she sets aside the bowl and takes her Alter’s hands in her own.

“Your hatred… is not your own. Your feelings of betrayal… they don’t stem from you, but another. Because you ARE me. Even without your memories, you still feel the happiness of eating a freshly cooked, well-made Beef Stew on a late Saturday evening. But…”

“… I’m not the real one. I’m not the original. I’m… a fake.”

Jeanne Alter finishes Ruler Jeanne’s sentence for her, causing the Holy Maiden to wince as her darker half grows morose. Shirou finally feels like he has some room to step in here, clearing his throat and drawing the attention of both Jeannes over to him.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a fake. Nothing wrong with being a copy either. Sometimes, a copy can surpass the original, in fact. It’s not about whether you’re fake or not… it’s about the choices you make.”

Jeanne smiles at him at that, even as Jeanne Alter stares at him, gobsmacked for a long moment. Before finally, her face screws up into an angry scowl and she looks off into the distance.

“Gilles.”

Everyone blinks at that, but before any can ask for clarification, Jeanne Alter hops to her feet, suddenly looking incensed. And then the Dragon Witch whips around and leaps for her wyvern. Shirou’s eyes bug out of his head and so do the eyes of everyone else in La Charite on both sides as Jeanne Alter looks ready to race off all willy nilly.

However, just before taking off she looks back at them all.

“Well? We all know who won the damn cook-off! Are you lot coming or not? And if you are… you’d best keep up!”

The Dragon Witch takes off a moment after that… but leaves behind a whole flock of wyverns who, unlike before, don’t look like they’re about to take any of their heads off. And so, Shirou and his friends scramble onto the backs of the flying beasts as they just try to keep up with Jeanne Alter, who immediately sets course for a large castle in the distance.

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By the time they all arrive, the Dragon Witch has gone through one of the larger windows in the top of the castle, smashing her way right into what looks to be a throne room. As he lands and dismounts with the others right behind him, Shirou finds Jeanne Alter with her sword drawn, facing off against a bewildered-looking hunchback. With huge rolling eyes, oily glistening cheeks, and a luxurious robe of ancient design, Shirou figures this must be Gilles, right?

Thankfully, the Dark Holy Maiden helpfully clarifies a moment later.

“Gilles de Rais! You did this to me! You made me into this monster!”

Looking from Jeanne Alter, to Shirou and the others, and specifically Ruler Jeanne, Gilles seems completely baffled by what’s happening.

“W-What? What’s going on?! My darling Jeanne, what are you talking about?!”

“Shut up! I know the truth now! I know I’m not the real Jeanne d’Arc! What am I?! What have you done?!”

There’s a brief pause… and then Gilles’ shocked face morphs into something vengeful and hateful.

“I did what had to be done! I brought you into existence, my gorgeous Dragon Witch!”

That brings Jeanne Alter up short.

“You… what?”

Big, bulging eyes darting between Jeanne Alter and the other Jeanne in the throne room.

“… I admit, my original wish upon the Grail was to revive the proper Jeanne d’Arc. But… the Holy Grail rejected my wish. HOWEVER! It allowed me to create you instead! A new Jeanne, my very own Dragon Witch! Into you, I fed all of my love… and all of my hatred. You may not be the original Jeanne… but you’re better than she ever was! You understand that this country failed you! Failed US! She died for nothing… but you rose from the ashes!”

Practically frothing at the mouth, Gilles waves his hands this way and that.

“Don’t you see?! I wished for the most perfect Jeanne of all. I wished for the Jeanne that France DESERVED!”

“FUCK! YOU!”

Jeanne Alter’s outburst clearly cuts Gilles deep. He chokes on his own spit, staring at his creation in bewilderment and shock. The robed man’s fingers twitch in Jeanne’s direction, his hands reaching for her.

“How can this be? How can you possibly turn on me? You are MY Jeanne… MY creation. This… this isn’t possible. All of this is by MY design. You will obey! You will submit!”

For a moment Shirou fears that Gilles might have some form of mind control to force Jeanne Alter to do exactly that. And indeed, there’s a low glow across the Dragon Witch for a moment, as though he’s just cast some sort of spell. Shirou tenses up, ready to Trace a couple of swords in an instant if need be. But though Jeanne Alter goes still, she doesn’t turn on them.

Instead, she begins to shake with rage, making Gilles take a step back in horror.

“I-Impossible! How are you fighting back?!”

“… For Orleans… for France… and for Mama’s FRENCH BEEF STEW!”

As Jeanne Alter lunges forward with that particularly unique battle cry on her lips, Gilles wails as he lifts his hands in defense.

“THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!”

Of course, the following battle is still no easy fight. Gilles de Rais is a Caster-Class Servant. And Casters in Shirou’s experience are always just the absolute worst. The bastard with his bulging eyes and oily skin and ancient-looking robes turns out to be no different in that regard. Still, with Gilles being so thoroughly outnumbered and Shirou’s French Beef Stew somehow providing a protection against his mind control attempts, they’re all able to eventually bring him down and slay the Caster.

However… even as Gilles howls in defeat, the big bad removed from play… nothing happens. The Singularity persists. Looking around, Shirou furrows his brow in confusion. Actually, where was the Grail?

“… There’s only one thing left to do now.”

Eyes drawn back to Jeanne Alter, Shirou jolts in shock when he sees the Dragon Witch bringing her sword around, positioning it so she can drive it up and under her own ribcage and through her own heart.

“NO! What are you doing?!”

It’s a testament to how compassionate Ruler Jeanne is that she tries to stop her darker counterpart. But admittedly, Shirou is a step away from attempting to lunge forward and stop her as well. Dark Jeanne’s next words halt them both in their tracks, however.

“I’m finishing this. You wished for the Holy Grail, didn’t you not? Well, Gilles made it clear where the Grail is in his mad ramblings. It’s in me. I am the vessel of the Holy Grail in this world, built around it by his sick and twisted wish. I am the monster he created with the Grail’s power. Until I die… you cannot retrieve the Grail.”

She goes to stab herself after that declaration, but Shirou just can’t bring himself to let it happen. Not like this, anyways.

“Wait!”

To his surprise, Jeanne Alter actually waits, looking at him questioningly.

“You’re right… and I understand… but… we can spare a few more hours, right?”

Yellow eyes narrowing, the Dragon Witch’s nostrils flare.

“For what purpose?”

“To throw a party to celebrate our victory, of course! And… so I can throw you all a feast!”

And THAT gets their attention like nothing else. Jeanne Alter and her Berserker Servants all perk up at the thought of more of his food, as does Ruler Jeanne and almost everyone on his side. Everyone except…

“Shirou…”

Rin Tohsaka has her arms wrapped over her chest and a tic mark forming on her forehead as she growls out his name. Hurrying over to her, Shirou gives her his best puppy dog eyes.

“Please Rin? Doesn’t it feel like we’re ahead of schedule anyways? Like we skipped a bunch of stuff to get here?”

Brow furrowing, Rin shakes her head.

“What are you talking about? We’re literally trying to save the entirety of Human History from destruction. There’s no such thing as being ahead of schedule, we’re already ten steps behind that bastard Lev Lainur!”

Rin is right of course. And yet…

“Please Rin? For me?”

The tsundere scowls angrily for a moment longer… before finally nodding just once.

“Fine.”

And with that, the party is on. A feast is had, with Shirou cooking his butt off for the next few hours. He makes every French dish he knows how to, including a French Beef Stew that actually gets the three hours it needs to actually truly come out properly, rather than him cheating with a Noble Phantasm. And they all eat, enjoying the food and all around making Shirou very happy indeed.

Finally though, night has fallen. And while many are sleeping off the food coma that Shirou put them in… others are not. He’s cleaning up in the kitchen, washing all of the dishes when they approach him. Coming up on either side of him, both versions of Jeanne d’Arc grab a dishrag and a dish and begin cleaning alongside him.

Shirou blinks as he looks to the two women, who had been at each other’s throats earlier that day. He smiles at them both, though when he looks to Jeanne Alter his smile is tinged with a bit of sadness at what will have to be done before they can finish with this Singularity.

Still, between the three of them, they manage to clean the rest of the dishes from the feast in record time. And then, before Shirou can thank them or even say anything, the two Jeannes grab him and spin him around so his back is against the kitchen sink.

And then they sink down to their knees as one and begin working open his pants together. Shirou’s eyes widen in surprise, even as Ruler Jeanne smiles up at him and Jeanne Alter flushes and doesn’t dare look him in the eye. She’s scowling as if she doesn’t want to do this… and yet, her hands are the most eager to wrap around his cock and pull his member out of its confines.

"We wanted to show you our thanks properly, Shirou..."

"D-Don't think this means anything though. It's just one final f-fling."

The two of them look at his shaft between them, their eyes going crossed as he rapidly hardens right in front of their faces.

… It would seem his status as comedic harem protagonist had struck again…

[X] Do that thing he did with the Sabers and fuck them on top of each other - 83%

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