*ba-ping!*

The man let out a deep groan at the umpteenth repetition of that same annoying sound from the company’s email inbox this morning. He gave the bottle of liquor in his hand a look one more time before opting to not put it away after all.

It was gonna see some heavy use today; might as well keep it on hand.

The position of a public representative for a regional woodland authority was an inherently deeply boring one, essentially by definition. He spent most of his days exchanging phone calls and negotiating agreements with representatives of other business entities, be they in tourism, agriculture, or forestry. Rarely, he had to cobble together a barebones press release when something incidentally noteworthy happened in the area.

Very rarely, he had to interface directly with the law enforcement or the families of the people who had gone missing or perished in the woods.

*ba-ping!*

Disappearances in the forest weren’t commonplace, thank the heavens, but weren’t unheard of either. In almost all cases, though, it’d be the woodland authority who was clued into a tragic event like that last, much to their annoyance each time.

Nothing like having a couple of cruisers and an entire search and rescue team knock on a ranger’s booth, only for the ranger themselves to have no idea what was going on.

Because nobody deigned to inform the bloody woodland authority.

Procedural annoyances like that aside, though, they were more than willing to help however they could. GPS is one thing, but knowing the pathways that the land subconsciously corrals all living beings down from experience was another.

Most families that had the misfortune of having to interact with him were firmly in the stages of depression or acceptance by that point. Most times, all the woodland authority could give them was a decomposing body in a black bag and, if they were lucky, some of their belongings.

*ba-ping!*

This case would’ve likely been just one of those, despite the weirdness that saturated every single aspect of it.

Someone respectful and responsible stumbles on the aftermath and calls law enforcement. They then try to get in touch with the family, start looking, and maybe, eventually, call the woodland authority. A proper search and rescue operation is performed, and the body isn’t found. Attempts to contact the family fail. One day, a pretend burial is held out of the country’s pocket, and the poor missing person is finally declared dead.

It could all have been so simple. So proper, so procedural. So much headache could’ve been saved for everyone involved.

But no, of course that wasn’t what happened.

Because, of course, the first person to stumble upon the aftermath just had to have been a travel vlogger.

The recording of the scene and its precise location just had to have been broadcast to hundreds of thousands of people before law enforcement could even finish writing up the basic report.

*ba-ping!*

From there, everything happened so quickly. So chaotically.

Both the woodland authority and law enforcement had to downright sprint towards the location of the incident. Both to get the investigation started, and to set up a barebones perimeter before too many mouth-breathing teens could descend on the scene and tamper with it. The interference that had already happened by the time authorities showed up was already enough to cast doubt on any takeaways from the resulting investigation.

At the same time, this specific case was so messy, so dumbfounding, that most folks working at the woodland authority doubted that civilian interference could’ve even made anything appreciably worse.

Well-stocked travel backpack resting on the bench, IDs included. A pile of clothes in front of said bench, enough for a full outfit. Sneakers, socks, jogging pants, underwear, sports bra, purple t-shirt. Only the latter two had any damage, a pair of long, thin cuts on their fronts and backs. A half-eaten sandwich doing its best impression of ant bait next to the clothes pile.

No signs of struggle, no blood, no conceivable motivation for the college student in question to just decide to throw everything away and run off naked into the woods.

No remains to be found.

*ba-ping!*

Regardless of how incoherent the case was, how inexplicable, it ultimately came to him to come up with a response to all the news organizations that were badgering their company’s email inbox. To give them something, anything, even if just to stall for time.

And that much he could do.

One moment to down a stiff drink later, he copied over the template he’d written the previous day. He double checked its contents each time he’d pasted it, constantly ensuring he hadn’t pasted the wrong thing.

Because of the ongoing and sensitive nature of the investigation, we are presently unable to answer any questions about the disappearance of Sue M. Mullins on 12.04.2023. We are planning to release a press statement once more verifiable details about the case come to light, and would appreciate your patience until then.

~ Galloway Woodland Authority