abby_gay_ill

Hi! This chapter is quite a bit darker than the story so far. Fear not, as things will all work out eventually (though not in this chapter)!

CW for depressive thoughts, transphobia both internal and external

So, I kind of have serious issues to do with self-appraisal and self-image, and they're only partially my fault. My parents and teachers always told me how clever I was, how I had such incredible potential, and how I was going to do great things one day. This lead to me internalising that I was valuable exclusively because of my intellect, which is, in case you couldn't tell, super unhealthy. Obviously, as a kid, that didn't prove much of an issue, when the praises and accolades were free-flowing. However, when I came into adolescence, and my natural talents ceased to be enough to excel, the river of validation dried up. And being able to coast on natural talent for so long meant I didn't really have the tools required to study, or improve my own abilities. Adding on to that the ordeal that was puberty, the horrid, inescapable sensation that my body was *wrong*, and the knowledge that each day it was getting ever-so-slightly more *wrong*, the feeling of a cold steel body-shaped cage molding around my soul, making me a prisoner in my own body, my own mind. Was it any wonder that I fell into a deep depression?

A depression I'm still neck-deep in, by the way. Some days it's better, some days worse. Some days it's much worse. I should really talk to someone about it, but the issue with depression is it's really hard to want to get better.

Video games are mostly an escape, a chance to spend some time away from myself. Distract my brain from reality long enough that I forget to feel bad. It's not happiness, per se, but it abates the dejection well enough.

I promise there's a point to all this. I'm not just here to whine. What I'm trying to say is, tonight, things were different. It was almost like all of that malaise melted away for a few blessed hours. I was happy, in a way I hadn't been for as far back as memory stretched. It felt so natural, so easy, to shed all those expectations and issues and just be Grace for a while.

The character, that is. Well, they're both characters, but you get the point. I was just playing a video game with my friend, enjoying myself without reservation. I hoped I could consider Maddie a friend, even if she didn't know who I really was. She was being awfully kind and understanding, constantly thanking me for even minor assists, telling me it wasn't my fault when we lost fights (despite my firm insistence). She even occasionally told me I was a good girl. Which. Was normal. I felt the normal way about that. The normal way. Tonight was so enchanted, so perfect, it didn't feel real. Which is why it came as no surprise to me when it all came crashing down.

We'd just queued into our third competitive game of the night. We'd won two matches in a row, so I was feeling confident. On top of that, I was feeling good, which I wasn't used to. Until a message arrived in the team chat which instantly soured my mood.

mkhawk: oh great

mkhawk: we got that weird guy who only plays grace

mkhawk: try not to anchor so ahrd this time man

Oh great. This asshole. I had queued into him like three times in the past week, and every time he played badly and got mad, and blamed the rest of the team when we lost. I'd reported him every time but nothing had come of it. I generally tried not to let it get to me, but this time, the stuff he was saying stung. Not at being called weird, or bad at the game, I didn't mind those, but being called a guy. That made me really upset. On account of me trying to convince Maddie that I was a girl. He was totally blowing my cover. That was why it upset me.. Back in our group chat, I typed:

grlpwerd: god not this ***hole again

Thank god for this game's stupid censorship system. Heaven forbid my friend sees the word 'ass'!

"I don't know this guy but I totally agree, misgendering is a real dick move, do you want me to tell him off for you?"

Mis... gendering? Huh. I'd never heard that word before, but it wasn't too difficult to piece together the meaning, I'm not an idiot. But that's good news! She thought he was misgendering me, meaning she still thought I was a girl! Thanks for destroying your credibility by being an asshole, asshole!

grlpwerd: its not that big a deal

grlpwerd: we might lose this game tho, this guy sucks real bad

"I really don't mind. If this guy's bothering you, I have no choice but to protect your honour!"

Wow... My knight in shining armour...

But no, I couldn't let her correct this guy. If I did, she might start to wonder why this guy thinks I'm a man. And that might lead her to the truth, and if she found out then I wouldn't get to be Grace anymore and the idea of never getting to pretend to be a girl again made me feel sick to my stomach. Unfortunately, I had been silent for too long, and Maddie had already sent a message into the team chat.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: She's a girl you ****wad!

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

mkhawk: no he ****in isnt

mkhawk: oh i see

mkhawk: your a ****** arent you

mkhawk: ****in ******

For once, I found myself grateful for the game's censors. Whatever he was saying, I didn't want to read it. Back in the safety of our group chat, I messaged Maddie.

grlpwerd: thanks for trying i guess

"Oh jeez, Grace, I'm so sorry about that! I didn't think it would make things worse! Please don't be mad at me!"

grlpwerd: why would i be mad at u

grlpwerd: hes the dip**** here

And I was mad at him. But more than that, I was upset. Wait, why? This guy might have been a massive asshole, but he was right. I mean, probably not about whatever it was that was getting censored, but about the me actually being a guy thing. So why did it hurt to hear him say it?

"I know, but I provoked him, and I know I shouldn't but I just. God, bigots make me so mad." She took a deep breath, and her tone relaxed slightly. "It isn't productive to argue with them, just report and move on." I realized she was saying that more to herself than to me

Yeah, that was all there is to it. Just don't let it get to you. I looked down to check, and my hands were shaking. Just don't let it get to you. Enough time had passed that we loaded into the match, and started heading out of spawn. Except mkhawk, who stood still, clearly typing up a storm. In our absence, he had sent a lot more messages, most of which some variation of censor asterisks and words which weren't quite rude enough to have been censored. One in particular, though, really got to me.

mkhawk: GOD your disguts me. stop pertending to be a woman you ****en FREAK

It hurt, which was one thing. But what hurt more is that he was right, wasn't he? I was pretending to be a woman. I was tricking Maddie, trying to make her think I was something I wasn't. I really was a freak. I had no choice but to come clean. Later, that is. I couldn't do it in the middle of a match, especially since she would probably leave and we'd be down another person, and then the remainder of the team would be mad at me for making her leave.

Fast_as_Fuqq: look i dont give a **** what anyone identifies as

Fast_as_Fuqq: can you just ****in play the game instead of jerkin off in spawn mate

At least my teammates were also mad at him. And now this Fast_as_Fuqq person had called him out, he started yelling at them instead, which was a welcome break. My hands were still shaking. I couldn't get over how horrible I felt. He had been so cruel, so hateful to me, and he was right about all of it. I tried my best to play the rest of the match out, but I was playing horribly, and we were a player down already. We lost the match extremely quickly. Maddie tried to cheer me up, at least I think she did. I couldn't really concentrate on anything. It was all just noise. After the match ended, Maddie said something else, but I couldn't hear her. I left the match, left the group.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: you ok?

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: that guy was really ****ty i'm sorry

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: it's ok if you need space or something. i just want to help.

God, why was she being so nice? After everything, I'd done, everything I was doing. Of course, she didn't know that. If she did, she would stop being so nice, and be mad at me like I deserved. I had to tell her. Tell her, so she'd hate me like I deserved. But I struggled to find the words. How could I say something like that? And a part of me really didn't want to. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to lose this friendship, even though I'd only had it for a little while. I liked her, I really did, probably more than any of my real friends. But she didn't like me. She didn't even know me. She liked Grace. The facade. The person I was pretending to be. And I was jealous, and angry and sad, and I just wished I could be Grace, that it wasn't just pretend, but that was all it could ever be. I had to tell the truth. It was the right thing to do.

grlpwerd: i

grlpwerd: i have a confession to make

grlpwerd: that guy might have been a complete ****heel, but he was right

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Hey, don't be like that!

grlpwerd: he was right. i am just playing pretend. and its not fair to you

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: What do you mean?

grlpwerd: ive been lying to you

grlpwerd: well not quite lying

grlpwerd: just hiding something important from you

grlpwerd: im

grlpwerd: im

Why couldn't I say it? Just tell her you're really a... a boy.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Oh! I already know, silly!

grlpwerd: what?

grlpwerd: and you still want to be my friend?

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Of course! Why would it change anything? You're a girl and nothing anybody says can change that.

Wow. Maddie must be super dense or something. How else could she not get what I was trying to say there? I guess it would also explain all those times I accidentally gave the game away and she didn't seem to notice. I could probably keep this ruse-cruise going indefinitely if I wanted to. And I really did want to. But that was wrong. I couldn't lie to her. Not anymore.

grlpwerd: no

grlpwerd: thats not

grlpwerd: im not

grlpwerd: thats the point

grlpwerd: im just pretending

grlpwerd: im not really a girl

There. Done. I shut my computer down before I could get a response. I didn't need to see her anger at being lied to. I had come clean. Why did I still feel so gross?

I went and lied down on my bed until my mum called me for dinner. I barely ate anything. Mum and my sister both asked me what was wrong several times. I couldn't tell them. How could I even begin to tell them? After I had eaten enough that mum wouldn't pester me about it, I excused myself and went straight to bed. I didn't get to sleep for quite some time.