abby_gay_ill

Sorry for the gap in uploads! I had work, and I had nearly finished this chapter by the time I realised I hated it and needed to rework it entirely, so it took a while to throw together. Hope you enjoy!

I forced myself awake, despite my brain blaring at me to stay in bed forever. But I knew if I started acting depressed then people would worry about me. They might even ask me what's wrong. Breakfast. Shower. God, I should really shave. But I can't work up the energy to look in the mirror long enough to deal with it. Make-up. I call it make-up, but it isn't really. It's just an eye-cream I wear to reduce the perennial bags under my eyes, which I've taken to calling make-up.

I walked the dog, which usually cheers me up some. Not today.

I found myself at school. Maths. Physics. Maths again. Lunch. Chemistry. English.

Someone asks me what's wrong. Not for the first time today. I tell them it's nothing. Not for the first time today. They say it clearly isn't nothing. I tell them I'm just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. It's true, even. They ask if I'm going to help with the classwork. What?

I dug my nails into my palms, to shock myself out of this depressive haze. It'd be a lot more effective if I didn't bite my nails so damn short. It's a nervous habit. I bit down on one of my fingers instead. That works. A sharp ringing in my ears slowly softens as I make my way back down to reality. Right, I'm in English. From the looks of things, we're discussing some poem about the Vietnam war. Talking about how it's perspectives are similar and different to the book we've been reading.

"Welcome back to the land of the living." May muttered under his breath. "Are you sure you're just tired? You seemed pretty out of it." His face is sympathetic.

"Yes. I'm just very tired, ok? Don't worry about it."

He put a hand on my shoulder. "You know you can talk to me, right? I wouldn't presume to know what you're going through, but I promise I'm not gonna judge, ok? You're one of my closest friends, June, and I'll be there for you if you need me."

I brushed his hand off my shoulder. I supressed an unwelcome snort of laughter at just how on the nose  that was. "I'm fine, May. Just help me catch up on what I missed."

Oh, right, I should probably explain. May isn't really his name. On the first day of class this year, the first time we'd ever really talked, May noticed how I winced at my name on the roll call. He said he hated his name too, so we decided to use nicknames for each other. After several failed attempts deriving from our names, we settled on just referring each other by the months we were born in. I became June, and he became May. Sure, they might have been girl's names, but they fit better than our real names. Especially to May. He was pretty, like, in a way only girls were. A way that made me seriously doubt my sexuality. I'd long since gotten a handle on things, though.

The rest of class went fine. Turns out when you have the presence of mind to pay attention to your surroundings, you tend not to struggle as much. The bell rang, and I shot out of my chair to leave, May following close behind.

"What are you doing after school?"

"Nothing. You?" If I was lucky, I would get all my homework done in an hour and be able to lie in bed unmoving until dinnertime.

"Just going to a friend's house. Not anyone you'd know, she goes to another school." He blurted that last part out, almost embarrassed of it.

"Oh? Is she a friend, or a friend?" I hoped the difference in emphasis was enough to convey the distinction between the two options.

May went scarlet. "Y-yeah.."

"Cool." I tried not to sound disappointed. Huh. Why was I trying not to sound disappointed? It was great that May had a girlfriend, but. No. Absolutely not. I am not into May, we've been over this. Cast those thoughts aside. He's probably not even into guys, especially guys like me. Before I could make the conversation any more awkward, our paths split, and I waved a perfunctory goodbye.

As I made the trek to the bike shed, lengthened by going out of my way to walk with May a little longer, I couldn't help but think. After being called Grace all night, then having to deal with my name all day in class, and finally getting a reprieve in English with May, I realised something. I really hated my name. I wish I could change it or something. But I'd need a pretty good excuse to do that. Nobody liked the name their parents gave them, after all. I wished that at least I could use a different name a little more. Oh. Memories of the end of last night flooded back. I guess I'd well and truly burned that bridge. I couldn't exactly pretend to be Grace any more. Oh. I don't think I could handle that. Oh. Oh no.

I guess I had to admit this to myself. I'd already admitted I couldn't cope with not being Grace any more. As much as I'd tried to fight this, every angle of approach seemed to lead to one inexorable conclusion.

I would have to try and keep the prank going. Even though I already confessed, already told her the truth, I would have to try and convince Maddie that I really was Grace, that those messages were a typo, or my non-existent little sibling took my keyboard, or... some justification that I'd think of later. I just knew I had to be Grace again, through whatever means necessary. It would be tricky, but I could pull it off. Heck, she still believed me despite a string of pretty obvious cracks in the facade, which meant either she was super dense, or I was really good at pretending to be a girl. I liked to think it was the second thing.

I found that I'd arrived at the bikeshed, where I caught sight of Isaiah, another of my friends. I took care to meander specifically so I wouldn't run into him, but here he was anyway. I just had to hope he wouldn't notice me and-

"Hey! You alright, man?" Nope. Absolutely not. I couldn't talk about it, especially not with him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"Cool. You down to play tonight? I ran a headcount and we should be able to get a 6-stack going."

Great. I couldn't just decline playing video games with my friends. That'd be too suspicious. "Dude, we got like, a mountain of homework tonight."

"Most of it isn't due 'til next week. Come on, how often do we get to 6-stack?"

Guess I wasn't getting out of this. "Sure. Guess I don't have anything better than homework to do this weekend." My stomach was a pit. So much for my grand plans of pranking.

"Si-hick, bro!" Thankfully, he had finished unlocking his bike and got on. "Talk to you then!"

I rode home, pet the dog for about twenty minutes, turned my computer on, and launched the game. When I checked Kaos I saw that my friends were already in a call. And there were already six of them. That was actually a stroke of good luck, however, as it meant I could do my homework like I'd planned. Or, I would have been able to, if I didn't see a string of messages sent to me in-game.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Grace!!

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Are you ok?

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: I was so worried about you!

What? Maddie was still calling me Grace? After I confessed about really being a boy? I guess to be fair, she didn't know my real name, and I would prefer to keep it that way.

grlpwerd: hi

grlpwerd: sorry for logging off so suddenly

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: Grace!!!!!

grlpwerd: i was really upset

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: I totally understand! I can't imagine how upsetting that must have been for you.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: I'm really sorry that what that asshole said got to you.

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: And I want you to know that I don't think you're any less of a girl, ok?

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: You aren't just pretending. You're a real girl. Just as real as me.

Huh??????? Maddie was already convinced I was a girl? After everything I said last night? I was a little disappointed I couldn't use the elaborate excuse I'd come up with, involving a leaky roof and a possum in my house, but I was more relieved that she wouldn't need a massive amount of convincing. Damn. This girl was extremely dense, huh? She didn't notice the extremely obvious signs, even when someone literally sent her a message explaining the truth to her.

Unrelatedly, I couldn't stop rereading those last two messages Maddie sent me. I didn't really understand what she meant by them, but they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The idea that these messages were sent to me, that she thought I was a girl, that I wasn't just pretending, it made me feel weightless. Like my entire life I'd been carrying a block of solid granite on my back, and I could finally shed myself of that burden.

But I couldn't. Not really. I wasn't a girl, not really. I was just playing pretend. I couldn't let Maddie know that, though. I'm sure there was a limit to her density. I needed her to believe I was a girl.

grlpwerd: thank you

grlpwerd: that means a lot to me

grlpwerd: sorry for leaving you in the dark like that

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: You don't need to apologise! You were going through it!

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: But if it isn't too big a dfeal, can I have your Kaos?

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: *deal

xX_MaddieSin_Xx: No biggie if not!

grlpwerd: oh sure

I glanced over to my second monitor, where I had Kaos, the voice chat platform, open. I quickly clicked on my own profile, and glanced it over. I should probably change some stuff if I'm gonna be friends with Maddie on it. Not that there's anything incriminating, but I just wanna make sure my profile picture doesn't look like something a guy would use. I  probably shouldn't make it explicitly feminine, lest I invite teasing and potential suspicion from my real life friends.

grlpwerd: once sec

What options did I have to signal 'girl' to Maddie that wouldn't arouse suspicion? I could have an anime girl as my profile picture, plenty of guys did, but I didn't really watch anime, and I wouldn't wanna be called out on that. What else could I do? Something like a landscape maybe, that wouldn't be suspicious. But that also doesn't feel like something Grace would do. It certainly isn't something I'd do. Oh. Duh, just use a picture of Grace. The character, that is. The video game one. That wouldn't shock my friends, and it's definitely very Grace. To be honest, I've kind of really wanted to do it anyway, I just didn't really have an excuse. I ended up opting for a minimalist silhouette-style profile picture ripped from one of her in-game icons. It was cute!

grlpwerd: ok its grlpwerd#9398

grlpwerd: same username

Pretty much immediately, I received a friend request from a MadMaddison#1089, which I promptly accepted. Her profile picture was of a girl about my age, and oh gosh. She was so pretty. Ok, the picture wasn't super high-quality, given it was shrunk to an icon size, but she had these adorable thick-rimmed glasses that-. I cut that line of thinking off. Don't be a creep, I reminded myself.

MadMaddison:

Hi!!!!!!!!!!

grlpwerd:

hi!
i hope this isnt weird of me to say but ur rea;;y pretty

MadMaddison:

aaaaaaaaaaaa
Thank you!!!!!!!!
I'm sure you're very pretty yourself!

grlpwerd:

im really not
i look like a boy

Fingers! What did I say about typing on your own? Honesty was really not what I needed right now. I was still recovering from my previous blunder.

MadMaddison:

I'm sure thats just
I forget the word
Dysmorphia?

Huh. That was a new one. I'd have to look it up.

MadMaddison:

But anyway, I'm sure you're wrong, and in fact quite pretty.
And I'd love to see a picture of you so I could prove you wrong!
No pressure though!

Oh great. She'd said no pressure, but there absolutely was pressure. What was I supposed to do, just say no? I couldn't exactly use a picture of myself, then she would know I was a boy no matter how dense she might be. Before I could ruminate on that any further, another message came through. An invite to a private server.

You've been invited to join a server

Maddie's Chill Zone 4 Gamers
•1 online                 •3 members
Join?