As soon as my computer finished booting, I was assaulted by messages from three separate people. I was unused to being the centre of attention, so I started panicking a little. Stop, you know how to handle being overwhelmed, break the task down into achievable pieces. 10 messages from May. Let's deal with that a little later. A whopping 26 messages from Maddie. And one message from... Bridget? That was perplexing. I wonder why she wanted to talk to me. Tackling this one first seemed the least intimidating.

GenderMixUp:

heyyy grace you busy rn?

grlpwerd:

not really
why

GenderMixUp:

just wanted to chat :p

I might not be the best at navigating social situations, but I was skilled enough to know that whenever someone 'just wants to chat', they're going into that conversation with an agenda.

grlpwerd:

about?

GenderMixUp:

oh nothing
how are you doin

The worst part of someone 'just wanting to chat' is the part where they play it off as genuinely just wanting to chat, until they awkwardly segue into the thing they actually want to talk about.

grlpwerd:

not great
but ill be alright
why?

GenderMixUp:

oh no!
what happened?
did you maybe have a negative experience you want to talk through with me?
i promise to be open and understanding no matter what

grlpwerd:

no thank you
its private and weird
what did you want to talk about?

GenderMixUp:

oh nothing
say, thats an interesting username you've got there
what does it mean?

Was this her awkward segue? She wanted to ask me about my username?

grlpwerd:

what?
it doesnt really mean anything i guess
its just a nonsense word i accidentally typed once
and it stuck
why?

GenderMixUp:

its just a very intriguing username!
very
unique
itd be pretty unlikely for another person to have that username, dontcha think
like, wildly unlikely

grlpwerd:

i guess????
i dont see what ur getting at

GenderMixUp:

dont worry about it ;3
u wanna game?
we can play lookout if u wanna
but i also play like
a whole load of other games
do you like fighting games

If it wasn't so endearing, I would be seriously frustrated by the way Maddie and her friends seemed to say things that made absolutely no sense sometimes.

grlpwerd:

cant rn
got a load of homweork
maybe some other time?

GenderMixUp:

yy its cool
lmk if u wanna tell me abt anything weighing on ur conscience

Again with the non sequiturs! I was starting to wonder if eventually I would get used to it. The conversation with Bridget now dealt with, I moved to respond to Maddie. The first thing I noticed was that the messages were dated to yesterday, at 2:17 AM, which explained the difference in tone and loss of punctuation.

MadMaddison:

heyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!
heyy grace!!!!!!!!!!!!
how are youuuuuu
i'm very sleepyyy
ur cutie
i hope u know that
i wanna squeez ur little cheeks!
ur face cheeks
the ones on ur face
just to clarfify
although.
hiiiiiii
ur so adorable
i love when u get all blushy and stuff
when i call u a cutie
even if i cant hear it or seeit
ohhhh
i wanna hear ur voice
u probaby sound so cute
and and and also
i wanna see ur ptrtty little face
see u plushing
*blushing
gahhhhh
i bet ur so cute
i should probably go to bed,,,,

Was she... drunk when she wrote these? I guess a lot of the people in our year are turning 18 already, and... I've just realised I have no idea if she's even a high school student. She could be in her thirties for all I know. Which is why it would be a very bad idea to get emotionally invested in her before I know her better. That, and the whole, yknow, lesbian thing. And it was because of those reasons that I was very frustrated at the colour my face had gone from reading her messages. I was also quite upset at how my breath kept hitching, and the way my heart simply refused to slow down. Okay, time to deal with this diplomatically. She isn't online just yet, so you have time. Time you can use to think up a simple yet elegant reply that politely responds to her messages in a way that neither rebuffs nor embraces her compliments, and gently probes for some indication as to her age range.

grlpwerd:

ashkjlgfdghjkdfkj
jahsfjkghkash
what?????????
aaaaaaaa
thank youuuuuuuu
im really not tho.

Well, at least I'd been anticipating my fingers to act out. Not that I could do anything about it, however, but at least I'd been expecting it for once. However, my fingers had realised something my brain had missed. That is to say, my brain totally skipped over feeling any kind of revulsion at being called cute, adorable. I'd been so busy getting flustered at the compliments I'd forgotten to feel undeserving of them. And now it was catching up on me. Shit. God, I felt like such an impostor. She thought of me not just as a girl, but a cute girl. Something I was very resolutely not. I was more keenly aware of my brokenness than ever, because I realised that instead of feeling guilty for pretending, as any normal person would, I felt devastated that I couldn't be what she wanted me to be, that I couldn't be the cute girl she thought I was. I just... God. I felt so wrong. I wished I could be Grace.

Stop dwelling on that. Push it down. You have to deal with this properly, not just turn to putty at Maddie's compliments.

grlpwerd:

hey uh
weird question but like, were u drunk when u sent those?
not that im mad about it!!!!
those messages are really nice,,,

Okay, that's more than enough. No more messages to Maddie until she replies. I'd been foolhardy enough for the time being. And that just left May. May from school, not Bridget's girlfriend May. I was starting to suspect that, just maybe, the two Mays might in fact be the same person, but it was still far too early to say. Anyway, the messages.

MissMayPlays:

ok sorry
its just like
nevermind
i just thought that like
you might be like me
and i thought that if i worked up the courage to tell you what i was going through
that you might not feel so alone
but im sorry for like
for pressuring you and trying to push you to feel a certain way
can we still be friends?

Ok, maybe this was the same May. A lot of what she'd just said made no sense whatsoever. I didn't understand why she was so afraid of telling me, for one. Like, I understand that she'd have to pretend to be a boy for the school's sake, but with me? I hope she didn't think I was misogynistic or anything. No, of course not, she thought I was a girl in disguise too. God, I wish. So why the fear? On top of that, what the hell did she mean 'pushing me to feel a certain way'? Did she mean like, pushing me to stop pretending to be a boy or something? That didn't make sense. Unless she meant like, pushing me to be a girl? That didn't make a whole lot of sense, but it was the only interpretation I could think of that make something close to sense. Of course, it still didn't really make sense, because it implied that being a girl was nothing more than a feeling, which was preposterous. If it was, then I'd be a girl! Gosh, that'd be really nice. I let myself indulge in the fantasy for a moment, before I shoved it away again.

Where was I? Right, replying. Not thinking about how nice it would be to be a girl. Ignoring the unwelcome happy thoughts.

grlpwerd:

hey its ok
its really no big deal
i promise im not upset

Her reply was almost immediate, as if she had been staring at her phone, waiting for me to reply this whole time.

MissMayPlays:

june!
thank gosh
i was so worried about you!!

grlpwerd:

im fine i promise!
and i do want to still be friends!
i just dont really understand what you mean

MissMayPlays:

thats ok
it was stupid of me to suggest
sorry..

grlpwerd:

its fine!
i dont even know what you're apologising for!
water under the bridge!
i promise im fine now!
i just got
upset
thinking about something
i promise you didnt do anything wrong

MissMayPlays:

ok
if youre absolutely certain
bridget wants to play some video games now so ttyl!

grlpwerd:

bye!!!

Phew. All messages answered. Dealing with people gets exhausting quick, even when it's a conversation I want to be having. As if on cue, a new notification came in.

MadMaddison:

Oh my gosh!!
I'm so sorry about that!!
Gosh that's so embarrassing!
I'm so so so sorry for all those messages!!!
Also I wasn't drunk!
I just get like that when I'm sleepy
I'm not 18 for another few weeks yet lol

Okay. So, she's age-appropriate. Don't freak out too much. Now is not the time to catch up on my studies of gastronomic lepidoptery! Just because she's the same age as you doesn't mean she's interested, I cannot stress enough that she thinks you're a girl. Oh no, she kept going.

MadMaddison:

However, despite my delirium at the time, I stand by what I said.
In fact, now more than ever, I'm certain you are utterly adorable!

grlpwerd:

ghjdklsajhlkf
you cant just SAY that!
and besides, it isn't true!

I got halfway through coming up with some new creative way to curse my self-actuating fingers, but my heart wasn't in it. I was still reeling from the euphoria of being called cute. I'm starting to think maybe this overpowering happiness I've been experiencing was more than just satisfaction from pulling off a killer prank.

MadMaddison:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Besides, responding to compliments in such an adorable way isn't a great way to go about making me think you aren't cute.

grlpwerd:

trust me tho
im really not cute

MadMaddison:

Okay, okay, we'll just have to agree to disagree!
You wanna play some Lookout tonight?

grlpwerd:

id love to but i can;t tonight :c
got too much homework

MadMaddison:

Do you want to call anyway?
We can just hang out!
No pressure btw!
And you dont have to use voice if you don't want to!

Wha- what? She just wanted to hang out? With me? I assumed she was just hanging out with me because of my incredible gamer skills, which in retrospect was a pretty ridiculous idea. I wasn't actually that good at the game, but it seemed like a more reasonable explanation than her wanting to spend time with me! But here she was, offering to spend time with me with no possible ulterior motive! Well, not with me, with Grace. Gotta remember to make that distinction. And I couldn't lie to myself, I really wanted to hang out with her.

grlpwerd:

yes please!
that would be lovely!
i dont think im going to use mic tho sorry

MadMaddison:

No problem!

After accepting the call, we settled into a steady rhythm, her talking about her day, and me rapidly typing along encouragement in between slivers of chemistry homework. It was really nice to just hang out like this, doing nothing together. Her voice was so soothing and comforting, and she kept asking me about my homework. Granted, my productivity definitely took a hit from chatting, but I couldn't bring myself to worry. Everything was going perfectly until...

She told a joke, the contents of which are ludicrously unimportant. The important part, however, was my reaction to the joke. I laughed. Out loud. And the most peculiar thing happened. On the call interface, my profile picture lit up, indicating I was transmitting noise. My mic had been live this whole time! Luckily, I hadn't make much by way of noise before then, but still, how had I not noticed I was unmuted? How had she not noticed? Had she not heard the click-clacking of my mechanical keyboard as I typed? Oh no, everything was unraveling spectacularly now. I'd laughed, and she'd heard it. Which meant, even if in the smallest of ways, she'd heard my voice now. And there was no doubt that she'd heard a man's voice. Think quickly, Grace! Maybe you can say it was your dad who just happened to be in the room, and was laughing at an unrelated joke. No, that wouldn't work, you don't live with dad any more. Wait, she doesn't know that! So now all that's left to do is-

"Oh my gosh! Grace!!!! Your laugh is so cute!!!"

Well, I guess if there was one thing I could rely on, it was Maddie being dense. That, and my face turning red any time she paid me a compliment.