abby_gay_ill

hey folks and fans. just as a heads-up, this chapter gets a little flirtier than any to come before it. it isn't smut, obviously, or even particularly suggestive, but it brushes up against suggestive themes briefly. you have been warned! ;p

Don't panic. Whatever you do, make sure it isn't panicking. Sure, things might be going catastrophically wrong, and I might be on the precipice of losing everything I've worked for, and my stomach might be a pit right now (those poor butterflies!), but the most important thing to do is stay calm. If I just deny everything, ignore it, maybe it'll go away. That's how I deal with the bulk of my problems, and it's only caused minor disasters so far. Maybe she'll just assume she was hearing things, and-

"S-Sorry if that was weird or anything!" Maddie's voice was panicked. "I didn't mean to be weird or intrude or anything! I'm so sorry!!" Okay, new plan. Make Maddie stop feeling bad. Everything else can wait.

grlpwerd:

its ok!
promise!!!!!!
i dont mind you hearing me
if anyone has to im glad its you!
you make me feel safe, i promise
so i really dont mind!!!!

Uh oh. I'd been so eager to bombard Maddie with reassurances that I'd accidentally admitted some things to her that I hadn't yet admitted to myself. Strangely, I didn't mind all that much. I suppose my unconscious mind did just reveal to both of us that I felt safer around her.

Sufficiently comforted by my consolations, Maddie redoubled her assault. "Well in that case, allow me to once again tell you just how cute your laugh is! It's downright angelic! Such a gentle, sweet laugh, it makes me just want to pick you up and squeeze you!

grlpwerd:

fhdkjsahjkd
noooooooooo .,.c
i dont sound cute

"Then prove it. Because from what I've heard of your voice, you sound criminally adorable. And the only thing that could possibly disprove me is hearing it some more, but even then I'm sure it would only make me more certain. Ball's in your court." She hesitated for a moment, then continued, voice a little less sure. "O-only if you want to though! No pressure, alright?"

Was I really going to do this? Maybe. I should probably weigh the options first. If I speak up a little more, then I'll presumably receive more compliments, and they'll generate that warm, fuzzy feeling I worry I've gotten addicted to. That would be nice. However, that would come at the cost of Maddie hearing my voice. Like, properly hearing my voice. Not just catching a glimpse of laughter, but hearing my entire voice, in all it's scratchy, rough ugliness. Sure, she might use that to deduce that I was really a guy, but honestly, I was more worried that she just wouldn't like the way it sounded, and wouldn't like me as a result. That wasn't a risk I was willing to take. I'd just have to settle for muting my mic, typing a curt apology to her, and hearing a disappointed little sigh-

"I-I'm not cute! A-and I really don't like the way my voice sounds, so I f-feel like I don't deserve compliments on it!"

Okay, this was new. I would expect this kind of behaviour from my fingers, but my mouth? This was truly a betrayal. They must have entered into some kind of alliance, a united front to steal control of my actions away from me. Silliness aside, I couldn't believe I'd just up and spoken to her like that. And with a degree of emotional honesty that, frankly, scared me!

Maddie's tone was slightly huskier now, and it felt as if she'd leaned in close. "My, my. Thank you so much for having the courage to speak up for me. What a good girl."

Now, look. I'm only human. I might have made a noise in response to that. It might have been a high-pitched squeal, and it might have been accompanied by my cheeks flushing a deep red. I can neither confirm or deny the manner in which I responded. What I do know, however, is that whatever reaction I may or may not have had, it only served to egg Maddie on.

"Ohhhh, this is much better. I'd thought it was fun to reduce you to a blushing mess over text, but being able to hear you squeal is something else entirely." Gosh, her voice was really doing something to me. Something wonderful, and something, oh... Something very embarrassing. I- Uh... This was wrong, right? It was wrong, to be feeling this way? So why did it feel so right? No, she was only acting like this because she thought I was a girl, and right now my body was reacting in a way that, unless there was a gap in my education, girl's bodies most certainly could not.

Think cold, unsexy thoughts. Push this away. It's inappropriate to be thinking, feeling, acting this way. Ice cold water over my head. A tiny, adorable kitten mewling for its mother. Maddie pinning me up against a wall. Wait, how'd that get in there?

"Grace? Are you alright?" Maddie's voice was choked with concern.

"Mmmmmyup, yep, mhm, I'm fine, I'm good, everything's j-just fine over here!" Real smooth, Grace.

"Oh thank gosh. I was worried I'd crossed a line, made you uncomfy."

"Nonono. I just uh. Uhm. I got distracted, because, uh, something came up." I grimaced at my own poor choice of words.

In an instant, Maddie's voice returned to that flirty, husky tone that had gotten us in this mess in the first place. "Oh?" she said, mock innocence in her voice, "Something came up, did it? Do tell." Wait. What? Had she... picked up on my uh, my accidental innuendo? And she was going along with it? That was weird, even for her. Didn't she know that uhm, that girls didn't like, uh. Had I misunderstood something fundamental about human sexual dimorphism? I must have. I wish I knew what exactly I was missing here, but now was definitely not the time to ask.

Oh, jeez, I'd left her hanging again. I needed to stop doing that. "Uh. Uhm. Well, uh, you see, uh, you just. Y-you just have a really nice voice, okay? And it's really not fair!"

"Oh? In that case, did you want me to stop?" Gah, she was cruel. Of course I didn't want her to stop.

"N-n-no."

"That's a good girl." Her words sent a shiver of electricity down my spine. "Honestly, I'm flattered. You're so adorable, the way you get so excited just from the sound of my voice."

Oh jeez. I was, uh. Kind of hanging off every word she said here, huh?

No. This was wrong. This was all wrong. I was wrong. Maddie was so tremendously, wonderfully right, and here I was, tricking, deceiving her, coercing her into all sorts of situations she'd never agree to otherwise. God, I was horrible. I needed to get away from here. She deserved to be treated better than this. I couldn't lie to her any more. I wish I'd never lied in the first place, I wish I'd come clean sooner, but most of all, I wish I could just be the girl she thought I was.

I had to get out of here. I quickly muttered some excuse for having to leave to Maddie, and disconnected myself from the call, then threw myself on the bed. I stayed there a little while, as long as it took for the guilt, for thoughts of Maddie to subside. I must have been there a while, because by the time I got back up to continue with my homework, the sunlight filtering through my window had reduced to a sliver.

Checking my computer, it turned out, was counter-intuitive to my goal of extinguishing thoughts of Maddie, seeing as I still had our direct messages open on my primary monitor. And she'd sent me quite a long message.

MadMaddison:

Hey, Grace. Please don't feel any pressure to respond with any kind of haste, take as long as you need. In fact, you don't need to respond at all if you don't want to. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. I understand that I was way too forward with you and I understand that by pressing the issue so hard, I made you uncomfortable. I'd really like it if you could forgive the way I acted, but I understand if you don't want to, or if you need time. I'm more than happy to stay just friends, I promise. I'll try to be more respectful of your boundaries in the future.

Oh jeez. That was quite the misunderstanding. I should really do something about this. I don't want her to think I wasn't enjoying the turn our conversation went, even if it freaked me out a bit for personal reasons. I had to type a reply, but I doubted I could work up the courage. Good thing I could rely on my rebellious fingers to do the work for me...

Of course. Now, of all times, the one time I actively want them to get to work, my fingers are freezing up. Guess I'll have to do this myself.

grlpwerd:

nope
nuh-uh
dont you dare
i like you maddie
i really like you
and im so sorry i made you feel like your advances were unwanted
because i promise
theyre really wanted
i just
gosh
how do i say this
it was just
too much for me
i got overwhelmed
and i started feeling bad
because youre so wonderful and good
and im so so wrong
and i just want to be better
be the kind of girl you deserve
but i could never be that
and so i ran away
im so sorry for making you upset
i promise rpomise promise you didnt do anything wrong
im sorry

Oh jeez. I'd really sent all that? And now Maddie was typing a reply. I impatiently watched the dots do their little dance, then forced the application closed. Whatever she was going to say, I couldn't handle it. I'd basically just confessed my feelings to her! And sure, we might have been flirting quite a lot, but I wouldn't be so stupid as to actually think she'd be like, properly interested in me.

Okay, focus on homework. Ignore the incessant buzzing of my phone, notification after notification coming in, waiting to be read. Don't check my phone. Don't ever check my phone. Why do I even have a phone? Eat dinner. Do some more homework. Don't check my phone. Go to bed.

Wake up. Don't check my phone. Get ready for the day. Go to school. Don't check my phone. Sit through all my classes. Ignore the tension in the air in English, the distance that has suddenly materialised between May and I since yesterday. Don't check my phone. Ride home. Turn my computer on.

Shit. Kaos automatically launches on start-up.

MadMaddison:

hey
i promise its ok
i like you the way you are
even if you don't
and i promise you're good enough for me even if you dont think you are
and i can't claim to know what you're going through
but i can be there to listen if you need
take all the time you need
i'm here for you
p.s.
i really like you too
dummy
p.p.s.
did i mention your voice is cute
ok but for real though
take as long as you need to get back to me

Gosh. Okay. Don't freak out. Why the hell did I wait so long to read that? God, I'm stupid sometimes. She likes me! She really likes me!

Gah, why do I keep making this mistake! She likes Grace, not me. And I can't be Grace. It's really shitty of me to get my hopes up like this. Oh fuck, and to get her hopes up like this. Okay, for real this time. I gotta come clean. I can't keep pretending anymore. I have to tell her the truth. That I'm not Grace. That I can't be Grace. That no matter how badly I want to, I can't be Grace.

Right after I check this message from May.

MissMayPlays:

Grace??????

Uh-oh.