My feet flailed awkwardly in the air as I attempted to pull myself onto the roof. I'd never had much by way of upper body strength. Something to do with not spending enough time in the 'crawling' stage as a baby, I'm told. I tried again to hoist myself, but it wasn't working. I let a sigh escape my lips and disappear into the cold night air, and went in search of a ladder. It felt a little like admitting defeat. I guess that's what it was. After fumbling around in the dark of the garage for entirely too long, I found a small stepladder. It might not have been my real ladder, but it'd have to do.

The stepladder wasn't quite tall enough to reach the roof on its own, so I'd have to heave myself the rest of the way up. Shamefully, it was still a struggle, but eventually I made my way onto the roof proper. I keeled over, panting despite the slightness of the exertion. I made my way to the peak of the roof, and gave it a cursory brush with my palm. It was dirty, but not enough to dissuade me. I really ought to have changed out of my pajamas before sojourning roofwards. I sat, and the tile was warmer than I expected, but still cold enough to send a chill down my spine. I looked up at the stars, the few that managed to shine despite the relentless light pollution which followed them even to the suburbs. I looked out into the inky blackness, the endless quiet of space. A cool breeze struck my shoulders, eliciting a shiver. I could have at least put a jacket on.

I shifted my gaze downwards, staring out over the equally eternal sprawl of suburbia, row upon row of cookie-cutter houses desperately trying to distinguish themselves. The brightness of them, the darkness of space. The perineum of streetlights, blindingly white, little imitation stars. I checked my phone. A few minutes to midnight. I'd come out here to think, hadn't I? I closed my eyes, letting the breeze wash over me. I looked back over the night that had been, the night that had gone by in seconds.

I had learned three things tonight. Three fundamental truths, ideas that had carved alcoves into my brain, that they might take up permanent residence. Three fundamental truths I was not likely to forget.

The first thing I'd learned is the meaning of that word. Trans. Short for transgender. It described the phenomenon of people who were born as, that is to say assigned, one gender, yet identified with another. I'd learned that there were a huge number of treatments trans people could undergo to alter their bodies, from HRT to surgery, to workout routines. I'd learned that being trans was a spectrum, that there was no singular way for it to manifest. That trans people could feel any number of ways, that they could want or not want any number of things to better align their body to their identity. I'd learned about dysphoria, and its counterpart, euphoria, the joys and despairs that came with being trans. But most importantly, I'd learned that anyone could be trans. There were no criteria, no rules, not even any guidelines.

The second thing I'd learned is that May and Bridget were trans, and they thought I was too. In fact, apparently May had made a beautiful impassioned coming out speech to me, where she'd told me in no uncertain terms that she was transgender, one that I'd been too deep in thought to pay attention to. That one was kind of my bad. My habit of getting lost in my own head came back to bite me more often than it didn't. After I'd apologised for zoning out in the middle of her big speech, May gave me a second chance to hear it, over voice chat this time. Evidently, she'd written the speech out in preparation, so she had it on hand to recite back to me. It really was a beautiful speech, and one I could relate to in a lot of ways. The lines about feeling trapped in her body, about it feeling like it just didn't fit. And especially the part about wishing she could have been a girl, until eventually somebody told her that she could.

And... that brings me to the third thing I learned. Here goes. I've said it before, earlier tonight. There's no harm in thinking it. I...

I am a girl. I'm transgender. I get to be a girl. I get to be a girl! Sure, I don't exactly feel like I deserve to call myself a girl. I've seen myself in mirrors, and I've heard the way my voice sounds. But May said it'll get easier with time and a little elbow grease, and that she thought I looked like a girl already. Bridget said that it was the hardest at the start, but that she would help me out in whatever ways she could. She'd already helped May book an appointment with a doctor who prescribed HRT, and directed me there, too. The practice was a bit far from where I lived, but I'd find a way to make the trek. Apparently, this doctor had a bit of a waiting list, so between that and getting a blood test, starting HRT might be a month or more out, but I didn't mind. Before tonight, I hadn't even known that it was a possibility. Even if I still had a way to go before I got out of this tunnel, at least now it had a light at the end.

Just because HRT was a way off, it didn't mean there was nothing I could do in the meantime. We'd agreed, all four of us, to meet up at a shopping centre tomorrow afternoon, and help me put together at least the beginnings of a wardrobe. I didn't exactly have a lot of money, but I'd hoped with the combined powers of budget-friendly department stores and op shops, I could scrounge something together. It was exciting, perhaps the most exciting, but it was scary. Not just the base-level terror at having to go out into the world, not even just that and the newfound, more potent fear that came with being a newly-hatched trans woman, with all the pitfalls and dangers it entailed. No, the thing I was most scared about was meeting Maddie.

Briefly, I'd been terrified, after realising I was trans. What if Maddie doesn't like me anymore, I thought. A few seconds later, though, everything clicked into place. All those remarks I'd dismissed as nonsense, she'd known I was trans far longer than I had. Even confirming that yes, Maddie knew I was trans, and yes, she still liked me, had done little to dissuade my fears. She might not have a problem with trans girls, but she would definitely have a problem with me, right? I wasn't naturally pretty and feminine like May, and I didn't have HRT giving me an assist like Bridget. Not that Bridget needed the help. After I'd 'come out', she excitedly sent comparison photos of herself of before HRT versus six months in. The changes had been drastic, but she was still really pretty before HRT. It gave me some hope, but not much. Even if I changed as much as she had, I still wouldn't even look close to a girl, I would just look like-

A buzz from my phone jumped me out of my thoughts.

MadMaddison:

Heyyy,,
Saw you were still online!
Just wanted to make sure you weren't self-deprecating!

grlpwerd:

maybe a little
but its justified!

MadMaddison:

Nuh-uh!
Grace is my friend!
And you better not be mean to her!

Grace. Grace! I'm Grace! I get to be Grace! Gosh, that was the most incredible thing. I was just allowed to be a girl. And not just any girl, I was allowed to be Grace! I can't believe how dense I'd been all this time! The reason it always felt so much more natural, so much easier to play the role of Grace, to pretend, is because it wasn't pretending! It was real! Grace was me! I was Grace!

A chill on my shoulders reminded me of my purpose up here, on the roof. I made myself a silent promise a few days ago, something I didn't even realise was a promise at the time. I checked the time on my phone. 12:01 AM. Saturday morning. A new day. My first day of being a girl, of being Grace. A fresh start, at least in mindset. Time to do what I came up here to do. I shakily stood myself up. I took a deep breath. The air was so crisp, so cool. Normally, I didn't like to raise my voice, but I'd need to, just this once, to fulfill my promise.

"I'm a girl!!" I said, at the top of my lungs. I told it to the inky blackness of space. To the endless, repeating houses of suburbia. To the moon and stars, and any nocturnal creatures that might be prowling nearby. I told it to all the sleeping people in my suburb, to anyone who might listen. I prayed that the winds might carry my voice, take it to the ends of the earth. I wanted everyone to hear me, hear the joy in my proclamation, the reckless abandon with which I cast it out into the world. Most of all, though, I said it for myself. I put my wish out into the world, as if an incantation, as if by speaking the words aloud it would come true. Not that there was any need for that. My wish had already come true.

I put a hand on the floor of the roof, lowering myself back into a sitting position. I felt good. Liberated. Free. As if I had cast a heavy burden aside, confident in the knowledge I needed to bear it no longer. Then, unexpectedly, my phone buzzed again.

MadMaddison:

Grace?
Was that you?

grlpwerd:

that depends on what you're talking about

MadMaddison:

The girl who just yelled "I'm a girl" at the top of her lungs, despite it being the middle of the night.

grlpwerd:

ye that was me
wait
how did you hear me?

Did my prayer come true? Did my words somehow reverberate throughout the world, or at least the city? Suddenly, a bright light was shining on my face. What was happening?

MadMaddison:

Is that you???

I realised that the light was coming from a powerful flashlight being pointed at me from... from a house just a street away. Surely that couldn't be her? What are the odds we lived so close together?

grlpwerd:

is that you?
if so can you please turn the flashlight down

MadMaddison:

Stay right there!
Or, like, come down off the roof, but otherwise stay there!

The light had turned off. I squinted, but I couldn't make out what was happening in the darkness. I could hear a front door slamming in the distance, and quickly realised what was happening. I scampered across the roof, down the ladder and out the front door. She was there, waiting from me. My breath hitched. She was here. Standing in front of me. I absentmindedly flicked a switch, turned a light on above our heads. I could see her now, under the warm iridescent glow of the lamp. And she could see me.

"Grace?" I nodded, meekly. She appraised me with her eyes. "I... It's good to finally meet you."

"Y-you too. Sorry that I'm, y'know-" I gestured to my body, hoping she could infer what I meant.

"Sorry that you're what? Beautiful, and you didn't give me an opportunity to admire you until now?"

"No... I'm not-"

Maddie put a finger to my lips. "Yes, you are. I'm looking at you, and I think you're a very pretty girl. Accept the compliment." She stepped into the distance between us, and I was suddenly sharply aware of just how close she was, how close our faces were. She withdrew her finger, causing me to let out a little whimper. "Go on. Say it back."

"It back." I tried to resist giggling at that, but I couldn't help myself.

"Gosh, you're stupid." She took her hands in mine. They were warm, and soft, softer than anything I'd ever felt before. The feeling of her hands on mine sent electricity through me. She smiled softly, and looked at me. My eyes were locked on hers. We were so close now, so very close. I could feel my heart beating in my hands. I was sure she could, too. "Grace..."

"Y-yes?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Please..."

She kissed me.

abby_gay_ill

And that's a wrap! :p I'm planning on writing an epilogue still, but the story as it is is finished! I hoped you enjoyed!