You know, I've always been rather fascinated by relativity. Granted, the stuff we're dealing with at school is almost certainly a gross oversimplification, but it really interests me. The notion that traveling close enough to the speed of light not only leads to an exponential increase in mass, but also causes time to dilate such that mere minutes can stretch on to hours from your point of view, it really boggles the mind. I briefly paused my homework and did some napkin-math, concluding that I must be moving at approximately 99.986111% of light speed, based on the way each second seemed to stretch itself out to a minute in length. If that were the case, however, my body would most likely have been destroyed under the strain. I wonder if Einstein thought to consider an imminent awkward conversation when he drew up these equations.

The 'ding' of a notification shocked me out of my pontification. In retrospect, I likely should have removed my headphones when I declared my computer too much of a cognito-hazard to use for the evening. Being as it was, my reflex scoured my screen for the source of the notification, the still-open chat with May.

MissMayPlays:

you know you can't ignore me forever, right? we have class together tomorrow.

Curses! She was right. But delaying this conversation was better than dealing with it now. This way, it could be future Grace's problem. Sucker.

grlpwerd:

but i can ignore u until then

MissMayPlays:

i don't think you know how ignoring me works

grlpwerd:

nevertheless
ignoring you for as long as possible starting now

MissMayPlays:

you say that, but i know you're gonna read these messages
so just hear me out
it's cool if ur not ready to deal with this stuff
but just know im here for you, ok?
if you're grace or june or even somebody else
we're friends, and i'd like to keep it that way
but also i think having a conversation about this might be productive and help you work things out
that's all i had to say
just know i WILL be holding you hostage in class tomorrow

When class rolled around on Friday morning, she proved true to her word. At the ringing of the bell, sending others off to recess, teacher included, May made no effort to move. She smiled a sweet smile at me, waiting for me to initiate the conversation. Time began to dilate in anticipation. She raised both her eyebrows at me. Maybe if I could hold off until the end of recess, this classroom would become occupied once more, and its new teacher would force us to vacate. It couldn't be far off now, I must have been here for what, twenty minutes? And recess is only fifteen. A glance clockwards informed me that a mere two minutes had passed. Was postponing this conversation worth another two hours of excruciating silence? Not if I could weasel my way out of this with a clever enough excuse. Maybe something about a social experiment, or a prank. No, that's ridiculous. Nobody could possibly believe something so asinine. What would I even stand to gain from such a prank? Maybe I could say I was undergoing training to become a secret agent, and my mission was to infiltrate an online space while taking on another identity in order to gain experience. That was at least a little believable, right? It'd have to do.

"Okay, I can explain-" I cut myself off. The plan was for her to have interrupted me by now, but she didn't appear to be playing along. "I, uh, I," Why was I tripping over my words like this? I gotta focus, compose myself or she won't buy it. "This information is s-strictly classified, so you can't tell anyone, okay?" May gave an attentive nod. "I've been scouted by a top-secret government agency as having the r-requisite potential to become an infiltrator." She raised an eyebrow at that, but made no other interruption. "And as part of my training, I'm required to assume a new identity and in-insinuate myself into online spaces." Damn, I was clever. I don't know how I managed, but that was as about as convincing as a lie could get when spun on the spot. Now that my 'cover' has been blown, I guess I can't be Grace any more. Huh. That's... tremendously depressing.

May burst out laughing. She ruffled my hair a little. The feeling was pleasant enough that I momentarily forget my dejection at not being allowed to be Grace any more. I found myself crestfallen when her hand moved away. I wanted to grasp it in mine and bring it back down on my head, but I fight the urge. Why is she laughing? It couldn't be that she's seen through my ruse, right? It was airtight!

Eventually, she composed herself. "Well, that's certainly an interesting story. I should have guessed you'd weave some fantastical tale, given the size of your imagination." Her face hardened, and her eyes pierced me. "The truth now, if you'd please."

Well darn. I really thought that was going to work. Now what was I supposed to do? I couldn't exactly tell her the truth, but I was running out of ideas. Maybe I could pretend I was being intermittently possessed by the ghost of a long-dead girl who just wanted to make some friends? Gah, that's no good. The intercession of a ghost was certainly a workable idea, though, and if I played with it a little I might be able to-

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to but I was playing Lookout and I queued into Maddie and she assumed I was a girl and she sent me a friend request and I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth so I just kept pretending and she asked me what my name was and I panicked and said Grace and I didn't think it would get this far and I keep meaning to come clean but every time I do I get distracted and I'll come clean for real this time and I'll leave you all alone forever and I'm so sorry and please don't be mad I didn't mean to be disrespectful or anything but I know what I did was wrong and I'm so so so sorry and I feel so terrible because I was like invading your space and I didn't even realise and-"

I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me. Despite their lankiness, they were soft, and knowing they were May's brought me comfort. "Shhh. It's alright. I've got you." I was crying. I don't know when I started, but I was crying. I turned into her embrace and choked back a sob. Of course it wasn't alright. How could it be alright? I'd just told May the truth. Now she knew that Grace was me, and that I'd been pretending to be someone I wasn't, she'd tell Maddie and Bridget and they wouldn't want to be my friends any more, if they ever were to begin with. "It's alright, I promise."

"How?" I snapped. "I just told you my horrible secret, I told you the truth, all my lies, all my pretending. How could it possibly be alright?"

"How could it not? You haven't done anything wrong! Right now, Grace, you sound confused. You don't really understand yourself, or the way you feel. But that's okay. We can work through this, together." Her voice was frustratingly calm, soothing. It tamped down on the fire I was trying to scare her away with.

"I don't know what you think is happening, but it isn't! I... I lied! I tricked you all! I made you think I'm something I'm not! That's not the kind of thing you're supposed to forgive someone for!" I threw her arms off me.

There was genuine hurt in her eyes. I had an impulse to wrap my arms around her in turn, which I stifled. "Grace..."

"Why are you calling me that? That isn't me! I'm... I'm not Grace." Making that admission was enough to deflate me, to reduce my anger to a spark.

"Do you want to be?"

What?

I stared at her, a pause nestling in the space between us. She just... asked me if I wanted to be Grace? That's- that's not possible. Why would she ask me that? What was her game here? Was she... Did she know? About my even more sinful thoughts? How could she know about that? I tried so hard to hide them, to push myself down, out of sight. She couldn't know. Not about that. But what else could she mean? That must have been her plan. She was trying to bait me into confessing, to saying I wanted to be a girl more than anything in the world. That ever since I'd become aware of it, the pain had grown ever more gnawing, had eaten away at me, until all I could see was my inadequacy. Was she recording me? That must have been it. This was a sting operation. To try and entrap me so everyone could see my sin, point and laugh at it.

I had to go. Get out of here. Run. Escape. Away from all this noise in my head. I jumped out of my chair, over the desk and made a dash for the door. Only after I'd made it halfway across the school, I realised I was without both bag and breath. I keeled over and panted a little while, then when I had recovered enough, I yanked myself all the way to the door of my next class. With luck, I could borrow a pencil and some paper from a classmate long enough for my bag to make its way back to me. Not that it mattered if I could. The state I was in wasn't exactly conducive to learning. My physics teacher agreed, and not ten minutes into class, sent me to the nurse's office. She asked me what was wrong. I said it was nothing, and made it clear I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. Some kind soul, most likely May, had handed my bag into the school's office, so it was returned to me. The nurse sent me home for the rest of the day, prescribing rest, and a conversation with someone I felt comfortable opening up to. I figured I could at least handle the 'rest' part.

After I arrived home, I was greeted with an overly enthusiastic puppy. Clearly, Lucy hadn't expected me home so early, and was having the time of her life because of it. I managed to convince her to let me into my room, then shrugged my bag off and collapsed on the bed. I guess I must have interrupted Lucy in the middle of a nap, because she slumped down next to me and was snoring within a few minutes.

Something phenomenal happened, and I managed to actually get some sleep. I still wasn't feeling good, by any metric, but marginally better, which was all that could be hoped for. I decided that video games might help me feel better, which they probably wouldn't, but they might delay the bad feelings, at least. My computer's clock informed me that it was nearly 5pm. I guess I'd slept for quite a while. As was quickly becoming tradition, I was confronted by a direct message on Kaos.

MadMaddison:

Hey Grace!
I hope you're doing alright!
Look, May told me about what happened today.
I just want you to know that I'm here to talk if you need me.
No pressure!
I might not be as much help as May or Bridget, but I can still lend you an ear.

What had May told her? These girls confused me to no end. Why did they have to dance around their words like this? You know what? At this point, I was fed up with it. I was going to get some answers. Starting with...

grlpwerd:

why wouldn't you be as much help?

MadMaddison:

Well, y'know.
Because I'm cis?

grlpwerd:

cis?

MadMaddison:

Yeah!
Like, as in, not trans.
I'm not trans, so I'll probably be of limited assistance, but I can still listen to what you're going through and try to understand.

Trans?

abby_gay_ill

;3