My hands are shaking as I redial Sean’s number. It rings, but he doesn’t answer. I try again, but still, no answer. I feel sick and dizzy. All the colours are too bright and my hearing is distorted. My skin is blazing, and sweat pours down the back of my neck and beneath my armpits. When I glance to my left, Mark’s car is gone, for which I’m grateful. At least he’s not seeing me like this.
Donnie SOS. It’s a code word Sean and I agreed on after Donnie was born. If we ever couldn’t send a long text or call, but our son was in serious trouble, we would send those two words. But the kind of emergency it signifies is less clear. I think hard, trying to figure out what must have happened and where Sean will be. The fact that they were both asleep when I left the house makes me think this is a medical emergency. It’s not like Donnie would have been kidnapped right out of our house… right?
Which means they’re most likely at the hospital.
Somehow, I manage to start the car and put it in gear. It’s hard to focus my eyes, and my whole body is still shaking from the shock, but underneath all this is a more primal instinct: get to your child. Save your child. And it gives me focus. That’s how I’m able to pull the car out of the car park and drive to the nearest Children’s hospital, the hospital we’ve agreed is where we will go In case of emergency.
Those four words we hoped never to use.
When I arrive, there’s an ambulance pulled in front of the ER entrance. Immediately, my mind is filled with an image of Donnie being lowered from it in a stretcher, and I throw up in my mouth. The taste is vile, and I spit the chunks into an empty coffee cup sitting in the cup holder between the seats. My mouth is sour, my eyes are watering, and there’s vomit in my nose, but I hardly notice.
I park, then run to the ER entrance. A quick scan of the waiting room shows me that Sean and Donnie aren’t there. There’s a queue at the check-in counter, and waiting is the most interminable experience of my life. Finally, after at least five minutes, the man in front of moves aside, and I begin babbling at the woman behind the counter.
“I think my husband and son are here,” I say. “He texted me, but I was busy and I didn’t get it. Please, you have to help me find them. They’re here, I’m sure of it. He texted me the code word which means they’re here.”
The woman remains calm, even as my panic sets in.
“Don’t worry,” she says soothingly, “if they’re here, we’ll help you find them. What’s your husband’s name?”
“Sean. Sean Jones. He called me. But I had my phone off. Oh God, I can’t believe I had my phone off! I’m such a selfish mum. When my child needed me most, I wasn’t there. My child… my baby…”
I’m losing it, I know. Tears are choking me, and some of them have begun to leak down my cheeks. The woman slides me a box of tissues, and I take one.
“Just give me a moment,” she says, smiling at me reassuringly. “I can look up if they’re here.”
At that moment, the sliding doors that separate the waiting room from the triage area open, and Sean walks out, holding Donnie’s hand.
“That’s them!” I shout, and before the woman behind the desk can respond, I am running towards my husband and child.
Sean sees me right away. The expression on his face is stony, and it’s the only thing that keeps me from flinging myself into his arms. Donnie looks okay at least, and he’s alive, although he has clearly been crying. He immediately reaches for me.
“Mummy!” he cries, letting go of his father’s hand and running towards me. I scoop him up and press him against my chest, holding him as tightly as I dare. The tears really come then, and for several minutes, I crouch on the floor of the ER waiting room, hugging my son and sobbing.
At last, I let go of Donnie and look up to see Sean watching us.
“What happened?” I ask as I stand, taking Donnie’s hand in mind.
“He swallowed about six paracetamols,” Sean says, and I feel myself go cold. “They had to pump his stomach.”
“Six?!” I gasp. “How? Why??”
“He thought they were candy.” Sean looks grim. “I was busy making breakfast, I didn’t realise he’d gone into the medicine cabinet in our bathroom.” I can hear the accusation in his voice. The questions. Where were you?! Why weren’t you watching our son? If you’d been there, this wouldn’t have happened.
I can feel a fight coming on, but I don’t want to argue here, in the middle of the hospital. “Let’s get him home,” I say to Sean, then I lift Donnie into my arms. “How do you feel, sweetie?” I whisper to him.
“My stomach hurts,” he says, and he begins to sniffle. Sean follows us out of the ER.
“We had to take a taxi,” he says, as we walk towards the car. The accusation in his voice is back. “Because you had the car.”
“I was getting groceries,” I say, a little defensively.
“With your phone off?” Sean sounds sceptical, but I don’t respond. The truth is too terrible to admit, but I know I’m going to have to.
We spend the day cuddling Donnie on the couch, reading to him and letting him watch tv. He’s very shaken after getting his stomach pumped and can only eat liquids. I blend him smoothies and milkshakes all day and use up all our applesauce and yoghurt. By evening, he’s exhausted, and he goes to bed early.
The moment he’s down, Sean and I look at each other. The time for our fight has finally arrived. We go to the bedroom and close the door before Sean rounds on me.
“Where were you?” he hisses, as his calm face becomes twisted and furious.
“I told you,” I snap. “I was getting groceries.”
“Why was your phone off for so long? I know it wasn’t dead. You always charge it overnight.”
I sit down on the bed, exhaustion suddenly overcoming me, and put my head in my hands. Sean stands in front of me, his hands on his hips, and I can feel his fury emanating from him, even when I can’t see him.
“You were meeting someone from the Weekend Club, weren’t you?” he asks, more quietly.
Slowly, and without looking up, I nod. Sean lets out an angry scoff. “Unbelievable,” he spits. “Our son was overdosing on paracetamol, and you were sneaking off to fuck someone!”
“I wasn’t!” Indignantly, I look back up at him. “It wasn’t planned. I was at the shop, and I ran into Ewan, Maddy’s husband. I never thought he’d been on the Weekend Club, but then we matched while I was in the shop, and he told me to meet him outside, and… I didn’t think it would be a big deal! It was only a few minutes long, I was going to come right home after.”
But Sean is not sympathetic. “There’s a reason we only have dates on the weekends!” he seethes. “That way, we know who is taking care of Donnie, and we have contingency plans, in case something goes wrong.”
“This could have happened even if I wasn’t hooking up with someone!” I whisper-shout, anger starting to get the best of me. “I could have had my phone off for a million reasons. This isn’t about me not being home, is it? This is about you being jealous I was fucking someone else!”
Sean glares at me. “I’m not jealous you’re fucking someone else, or I wouldn’t be doing the Weekend Club. But we have rules. Boundaries. Weekend dates, in discreet places. I never agreed to you sneaking off during family days to hook up with friends’ husbands in… wait. Where did you even hook up with him?”
“In his car,” I admit miserably, looking down.
Sean throws his hands up. “So you fucked your friend’s husband in a car park in front of our local supermarket, in broad daylight?! Does that sound like a good idea, Jazz? You could have been seen! You could have humiliated me and splashed our private business all over Bow! Not to mention you could have irreparably damaged your friendship with Maddy. And for what, a quickie in a car, like you’re some horny teenager?”
I stand up. I’m no longer going to be yelled at like I’m some disobedient child. “Yeah, for a quickie in a car,” I snarl. “Because that’s what I like: a little bit of danger. That’s what I’m discovering about myself, Sean. That I’m a lot more wild than I ever thought I was. And I know that’s scary for you, that you might not be able to handle it, but it’s the most liberating and empowering experience of my life. I’m discovering who I am! For maybe the first time in my life.”
Sean takes a step back from me. He’s shaking his head. “Well, I’m glad you’re discovering yourself, Jazz. But there’s a price to that discovery, and it’s our marriage. And now, the safety and health of our child. So I hope it’s worth it.”
He turns and goes into the bathroom, and I listen as he turns on the water and begins to brush his teeth. Suddenly deflated, I sink onto the bed again. Maybe Sean has a point. Maybe the life I’m living in the shadows is damaging the life I already have; the people and relationships I love: with my husband, with my son, and even with my friends. Sean’s right… If Maddy finds out, my friendship with her will be over. But doing these things is so much fun, and I’m learning so much about myself; coming into myself and my sexuality like I never have before.
Then I think about Donnie going through my medicine cabinet, picking out paracetamols and eating them like candy, and a shiver goes through me. I’m right, too. This could have happened even without the Weekend Club. But there’s truth to the fact that I’ve been absent at home. Absent from Sean, for sure. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. And absent from Donnie, too. My mind has been preoccupied with the Weekend Club, at the detriment of my relationships. And if something had happened to Donnie, if he hadn’t recovered… I would never have forgiven myself.
When Sean comes out of the bathroom, I’ve made up my mind.
“I’m ready to be done with the Weekend Club,” I say, as soon as he steps out. His expression immediately softens, and I see some of the tension leave his shoulders. Before he can speak, however, I hold up a hand. “But I want two more dates. To get it out of my system once and for all. To finish exploring this side of myself.”
Sean approaches cautiously. “Two more dates for each of us, right?”
I smile. That’s my husband. Still wants to get some while he can. “Of course. For both of us.”
Sean sits down next to me and takes me in his arms. For a long time, we hold each other, until our breathing becomes synced. Sean nuzzles his head into my shoulder, and I feel both a strong sense of relief and a tiny twinge of regret. The Weekend Club has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, and I’ll be sad to see it go.
Which just means I’m going to have to make the most of these last two dates.
