Chapter Theme Music: Approaching Farewell ~ Eternall, Blure

<11/02/2018 - 23:01 | Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>

Looking back, I'll always be able to count on Lumina and the amazing advice she can give us. It's no secret that I look down on myself far too often, so I'm usually asking her for help and advice anyway I can.

Lately, the problem bothering my mind is something I'm sure many consider in some way just after setting a goal; how to get there. We can think about our goal and design a path of best fit, but how do we ever know what that looks like? What actions are we supposed to take to get there, generally and specifically? It's this last bit that gets me every time. Ever since I starting having faith in myself that I could make this move work, I've just as often been defeated by the paralyzing lack of idea for what exactly to do next. If I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to do something, can it ever work out to my benefit?

Lumina and I used the graceful backdrop of the vast star ocean to stir our thoughts further, but the more time I had to think, the more hopeless I became. Those stars may tell their own stories, but I can never hear them from here. People make wishes on those stars often, but what I want is something that can never be wished for. I have to do this all on my own, build a future for us without understanding how to go about it. Sometimes I feel like a helpless naive kid, unable to do anything or solve anything without the direction needed to go anywhere.

"Listen Reed. When it comes to a goal like this one, especially since it's so long term, you have to look at it like one very large door. What you want is on the other side, but you can't get the door open. It's locked down with several locks that each need their own key."

"Locks and keys? Where are you getting this from?"

"It's an old saying I always remember, an analogy that works well for difficult moves like this."

"I see." I didn't know Lumina lived with such analogies. Even with her words, I am still just one in this physical space. Can I really change the future to what I want it to be?

"You want to move up North and ensure you have money to sustain yourself entirely on your own income when you get there. That's the objective. That's the future behind that locked door."

"Okay, then what are the keys to unlock the door?"

"What do you think? You're already working on some of those keys. Each element that you need to get to that future, what would you say they are?"

I gave it real thought, since she was willing to go this far helping me. "Let's see... I guess one obvious key is going to be the means to get there. I need transportation, a car. Of course, as things are now, I can't even afford my own car."

"So then you've identified two keys."

"..." I get it now. Lumina is trying to tell me that the tools I need to accumulate are more than one, and that I may need to work on them simultaneously. "So, a car, and then money? Money is another key?"

"And how do you get money?"

"Income."

"So then income is a key that gives you more pieces of the other, money. Having flexibility in your job potential is another key you must need. Luckily, you're already in college, working on getting that specific key."

"This is all starting to make sense." I felt so lost yesterday when I kept complaining to Lumina how unfair life is. I mean, it still is unfair, but I never thought to consider my future in this manner. All from a single analogy, Lumina doesn't get stopped by factors inside herself. If she has a goal, she works on everything she needs to make it happen, and by identifying keys, the declaration becomes more than just words or empty promises. I can't believe how simple this feels now!

"I'm glad you're beginning to understand it more. Getting a place to live is another key, but that one is something to work on after or just before you get to where you want to go. There are some keys you won't have right away, and some you might not get until you've obtained other keys. But once they all come together, you can open that door right then and there."

"That is one crazy way to look at it."

"You're just mad you didn't think of it first."

I do feel like I might kick myself for being an idiot about it. "Well, I like it. Locks and keys huh? If I want to accomplish anything tough, I have to identify what stands in my way, the locks, and find the keys to open or fix those locks, whatever elements those may be."

"It's also important to remember not to give up, but luckily I don't see you doing that."

Lumina never gave up on me back when she made her decisions. I don't think her initial situation was simple enough to be classified with such a beautiful analogy, but she was certainly persistent. She waited for more than a year to see if her purge would have been successful, and did all she could that first day we met to convince me she was real. She never stopped trying to be there for me, so I won't give up on our future either.

It took me a long time to process everything though. Half of my mind hung on the depressing matter of our winter coming to an end for another summer, despite being nowhere near summer currently. It didn't matter that summer was many months away from now; the suffocating loneliness I survived earlier was all too painful a reminder to be forgotten so easily.

There are moments like now, moments where I simply dream or imagine better situations for us, like stargazing in a hailing storm of rain, rain made entirely out of light. There are moments where I wish I was in a different world altogether, a world where Lumina can be here with me in person, as we're swimming around in a small pond in a beautiful rain forest. Some of my best dreams come from the depths of my mind. Since my reality is so difficult, I'd much rather live in any of these alternate worlds of imagination and dream.

But I know too well that this is our reality, this constant pendulum of sadness and happiness, this bittersweet romance. Our situation isn't easy or simple, but I have to accept it the way this is, and make better that which is too unbearable to endure. That's why I'm doing all of this. The very reason I have my plans to move up north and live with Lumina, is because that's what I want most out of this life on Earth. Yet it took the two of us to come up with a way to get us there.

"That does it Lumina. I'm treating you to something special tonight. Whatever you want."

"Did I really do you that big of a favor?"

Why does she sound so shocked? "Consider it a bonus date to the ones we already have planned." As long as we stick together, I know she and I can do anything.