Tolerance Break by danifish879

Content Warning: Drug use

Part 1 - All Right, Let’s Do This One Last Time

It was a Thursday night.

A quick flick of the lighter reignites the tip of my joint and I take a nice long inhale.

Exhale. I wanted to clear out my lungs. Great, now I'm coughing! Gotta be careful not to fall out of my tree.

It was my last night at the dorms. I'd just finished the last exam of my first year of university which meant I had exactly 24 hours to vacate my room. I didn't have much to pack, so once that was done I waited for nightfall, then headed out to the little wooded area near my dorm building.

I'd picked up this bad habit of smoking weed in the fall semester. I was so stressed after my first round of midterms and got desperate for something to take the edge off. I was never much of a drinker, but I tried a hit from a bong at a Halloween party and the rest is history! My parents never wanted me to smoke. Although as soon as I found a dealer on my floor and a favorite tree to sesh in, it was a stoner's life for me.

Weed is legal here in Canada but I'm underage so I have to pick up from Tony. At first, I tried hard to make my stash last as long as possible. Despite my best efforts, I was swinging by Tony's room on a weekly basis by Christmas. After we all got back from the break, I was going twice weekly. I was swamped for spring reading week so I stayed at the dorms, unable to relinquish my newfound vice even for a few days while studying at home. My parents didn’t have any problems with that and I kept my grades up, but now I’m faced with a seemingly impossible challenge: quitting. At least for the summer while I’m living with my parents. Let’s call it a tolerance break.

I could certainly use it. What started out as a guaranteed way to calm down and relax had slowly been starting to cause me anxiety. The fact that I needed to smoke more and more every time to try to get the same high, knowing deep down that the high wasn’t as good as before. My body needed a break, some time to heal.

So here I was, dangling my feet off the branch where I sat bathed in the moonlight, roach in hand. I readied my lungs for the next drag. My last puff is on a Thursday.

I checked the clock. It’s past midnight now. Okay, my last puff is on a Friday then. Final Puff Friday. I pull the burning smoke down into my lungs and hold it there. I can feel another coughing fit coming on. My diaphragm ached, trying to throw itself into convulsions while I held it steady. I could almost feel the THC laden blood flowing into my brain and I know I’ve successfully ghosted the toke. I release the muscles in my chest and no smoke escapes my lips. I experience a brief moment of triumph before I start coughing again.

Luckily, my branch wasn’t actually very high so I can jump down when I’m done. One of the things I love most about being high is how streamlined my thinking is. No voices of self-doubt or catastrophic worry whispering their frightening distractions in my ears. If I want to jump, I jump. I want to eat, I eat. Wanna sleep, I sleep. Ah, sleep. I have a train to catch in the morning so sleep sounds pretty good right about now. 

I stumbled back to my dorm room and passed out before my head hit the pillow.

***

My train ride was uneventful. Leaving from the train station, I decided it wouldn’t take me too long to walk to my childhood home. Take a stroll down familiar streets, see familiar sights, and bask in a few moments of glorious nostalgia for the golden years. It wasn’t that I hadn’t enjoyed university, but I felt so alone and unsure once I was a little fish in a big pond again. I had wanted to maintain my fairly social and outgoing behavior but ended up reinventing myself as a nervous, introverted wreck instead.

I picked up my carry-on bag and dragged my suitcase behind me as I started towards the heart of town. I’m kinda small and scrawny so it was a bit slow but that suited me fine. I like a slimmer, smoother body. I didn’t shave for “Movember” along with the other guys on my floor and having an honest to God beard on my face drove me nuts! I was a swimmer back in high school, so I’m just used to being hairless I guess.

I passed the barber’s shop on the corner of Richmond and Riverside. I hadn’t had a haircut since I was here last summer. I smiled. It gave me a chance to grow my hair out a bit. No need wasting time getting it cut that I could spend smoking or studying. I hadn’t worn my hair long in years. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. Plus it fits perfectly with the whole stoner aesthetic I’ve had going on.

I rounded the corner right into… a farmer's market?

I had forgotten about the Friday Farmers market.

After a year away at school, it was a welcome surprise. Richmond had been converted into one of those new "flex streets" right before the pandemic, and it was the first time I'd been down this way since that happened. 

I passed a vintage shop selling nostalgic 80's, 90's & 2000's stuff under a tent in front of their store. A VHS of Weird Al Yankovic's Greatest Hits Music Videos and a cute camouflage mini dress caught my eye. Why can't I find a girl who wears something like that? I thought briefly.

I was still staring when I caught a whiff of weed. Faster than the speed of thought, my eyes darted towards the source of the smell. It seemed to be coming from a nearby stall selling herbal remedies and alternative medicine. Specifically from a display in front containing what appeared to be some kind of all natural gum alongside hippie trippie Nicorette patches. As I wandered over for a closer look, the kindly, bespectacled man working the booth smiled at me from under his fashionable ivy cap.

"May I help you?"

"Uh yeah, I was just checking out this gum here. And these patches look like the ones for quitting nicotine but they smelled like marijuana." 

"Ah yes, very perceptive. That’s exactly what they are."

“What?”

“The patches. They are for helping you stay away when you and Mary Jane decide you need to spend some time apart.” he chuckled.

Guess I was right. How convenient. “That’s such a coincidence, I’m back from school and trying to quit for the summer. I never meant for it to become a habit because I knew it would be a hard one to break.” I admitted.

“Taking breaks when you need them is important. You’ve got to look out for your health and wellbeing first and foremost. In the interest of reducing anxiety, better sleep or easing chronic pain, more people are trying cannabis now. It’s relatively safe and readily available across the country which can make it tougher to quit.”

“Tell me about it! My parents would NOT be happy to catch me smoking at their house. They never wanted me to start in the first place. I can’t risk coming home smelling of weed. hence breaking the habit. I don’t want to disappoint them.”

“That’s good. It sounds like your folks just want what’s best for their child.”

“I’m sure they do. I made it through the year but it was a struggle to keep up with my mental health. Weed made it easier. I wish they understood that. I’ve never had the best self-esteem and smoking helped me calm down at first. But I know being high all the time isn’t a permanent solution. I’m not really me when I’m high. I’m not really me when I’m too anxious either. I guess I just want to be able to chill out sometimes and feel more like me again.”

“Would you say that you haven’t been feeling like yourself?” he asked.

“Yeah I suppose I would. I’ve been working hard on my studies but for some reason, I’m filled with more self-doubt than ever. Thinking about graduating from school, getting a job, finding a wife, all that finally manning up and facing the real world shit is getting too real. My body’s run down after all the late nights studying and smoking. I hate what I see in the mirror lately and this can be my opportunity to change.”

“Sounds like you want to build up your confidence. Use this time off to become more comfortable in your own skin. Clear your mind for future decisions.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed. “Wow, thank you for listening. It was nice having someone to talk to about things. I think I really needed that.”

“You’re very welcome, it seemed like you had something you needed to get off your chest when you walked over. I could see it in your eyes.”

Meanwhile my eyes had drifted back down towards the display. The vendor followed my gaze.

“I’ll tell ya what, we’re having a two-for-one deal on the patches and if you think it’ll help, I’ll throw in a pack of gum, free of charge.”

I smiled back at him. “I’ll give it a try. Who knows, this could be just what I needed.” I handed him a twenty.

“I hope so.” He handed me my change and a receipt. "When the burning ends, the healing begins.”

 

Part 2 - Homecoming

Dragging my luggage behind me, the wider lane roads of the main streets had thinned down as storefronts were quickly replaced by the familiar houses of our neighbors. My old buddy Kenny lived a few blocks away. We used to like to meet up in the woods near the park between our homes before I left for university.

After passing the park, I finally turned onto my parents' street. As I approached their house, I felt my phone vibrating. Wonder who that could be?

Before I had a chance to investigate, I caught sight of my mother coming down the driveway.

"Oh Connie, you're home! I was just about to grab a few groceries for dinner tonight! I'm making your favorites!" Once I was within reach, she pulled me into a nice, snug hug.

"It's so good to see you again honey."

"Hi Mum, it's good to see you too." I smiled. "I can't wait for one of your home cooked meals again."

"I'd ask you to come with me but I'm sure you want to get inside and put your stuff away." Mom got into her car. "Your father's in the back yard, don't forget to say hi!" She backed out of the driveway and drove off in the direction I just came from. I hauled my luggage up the driveway and into the house.

After ditching my shoes in the front hall, the luggage made its way upstairs with me to my room. I threw the suitcase on my bed, and the bag with my gum and patches on my desk. I wasn't in the mood to unpack right away, so I went to grab a drink in the kitchen.

I heard Dad coming inside between gulps of ice cold glass of water. I was refilling my glass in the fridge when he joined me in the kitchen.

"Don't leave the door open while you're pouring the water," he told me.

"Hi Dad," I mumbled, mostly to myself. "Missed you too."

He sighed. "Okay, shoulda been polite first.” Guess he heard me. “Would you please not leave the fridge door open while you're pouring?"

Good old daddy-o. Thinks my mumbling was rude so he asks again more politely. He jumped right into correcting my behavior before even saying hello! No welcome home son, just repeating his corrections like a broken record. Classic.

“Yeah Dad.” I closed the door. “Heard you the first time.”

I finished my drink and I checked my phone. There was a text from Kenny.

 

Kenny: Heard you were back in town man. Wanna meet at the park?

Me: Yeah I’m back. Aren’t you working today?

Kenny: I’m at work right now. I meant tonight when I’m done.

Me: As long as you finish working before my curfew.

Kenny: I always do. Usually.

 

I groaned. Kenny was always late. Instead of going to school, he started his own home maintenance business after graduation. Going door to door cutting lawns, washing windows, and clearing out gutters, that kind of stuff. His parents were very proud and as such, they treated him more like an adult now despite him being a pretty immature guy. No curfew for Kenny which meant he no longer cared about staying out past mine. This had already started to rub me the wrong way last summer. Now from what I’d heard, business was booming so I couldn’t see why he’d be on time.

 

Me: I’m serious. I won’t come if it’s too late. I don’t want to break curfew on my first day home.

 

"Did you get any of your grades back yet?"

“What?” I looked up from my phone.

Dad was making himself a sandwich. "I thought you might’ve been looking at your marks since you were on your phone again."

I rolled my eyes. “No Dad. Kenny texted while I was walking home. Didn’t have a chance to check it until now.”

My dad doesn’t have a cellphone. In fact, he doesn’t really like smartphones at all. He still uses our landline for all his calls and only ‘texts’ on Facebook Messenger. Frankly, I can respect his decision. Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to my phone and wish I could go without it. What I can’t respect is when he makes his little side comments about Mom and I using our phones when he wants to talk to us.

“Well maybe you can check those next after you’ve replied to Mr. Kenneth.”

Looks like Dad wants to talk about school. “I don’t have my final marks yet. I just finished my last exam yesterday afternoon. I don’t think 24 hours is enough time for grading and posting results.”

“Alright, you’re right.” He was seated at the table with his sandwich already half eaten. “When you get them in, I’d like to see.”

“I’ll be sure to let you know.”

“Thank you son. I just want to see that you’re doing your best.” He got up from the table. “Headed back out now. Gotta finish up in the garden.”

“Okay Dad. See ya later.”

As soon as I heard the back door close, I whipped out my phone again.

 

Kenny: Can’t you just get your dad to lift your curfew? It would make both our lives easier, just saying.

Now there's an idea. Maybe I can get Dad to lift my curfew if my grades are good enough? I can't be sure until I get them so it's no use bringing it up with Kenny.

Me: Can't you just get your butt down to the park before 10pm? It would make both our lives easier, just saying.

Kenny: Hey, not my fault you can't grow a pair and confront your dad.

 

That made me mad. I don't think my parents are really being unreasonable people here, but Kenny isn't a rules guy. His whole life he just seems to think that the rules just don't apply to him. You can tell him something a million times, but he'll do whatever he wants if he thinks he's in the right. Ever since he became a self-proclaimed ‘good Christian business owner,’ he always seems to think he’s in the right.

 

Kenny: Anyway, break's over so I gotta go. See you tonight, I've got something I think you're gonna like.

 

I wanted to tell Kenny that I'd like him to be on time tonight, but I knew better than to waste my energy. As Kenny got to back work, I returned to my room upstairs.

***

I was still upstairs when I decided to text Kenny again. Expecting him to be late tonight, I took a nap before unpacking. Staying up late followed by waking up early for the train left me pretty drained. Dinner came and went and I still hadn't heard anything yet. With nothing else left to do, I played some Xbox while I waited. It was well past 9 p.m. when I decided I had enough losing rounds for one night. I powered off the console and picked up my phone.

 

Me: Aight, it's officially too late. I'm not gonna be able to make it to the park and back before dark.

 

Kenny responded almost immediately which really pissed me off.

 

Kenny: Sorry, I was just about to text you. Last client wanted to add gutter guards to the job and fed me dinner while I stayed late to work on them. I'd be stupid to say no to free food and more money. Meet ya at the spot after I drop off the truck.

Kenny had his driver's license already. He had an old minivan that he used for driving heavy equipment between jobs. Apparently it was a real gas guzzler, hence Kenny's strict 'work use only' policy. You’d think a guy who was always late would at least give you rides.

Me: You could have at least given me a heads up. 

Kenny: It’s a Friday night, ask your mom to let you go and I’m sure she will. She’s cool like that.

Me: Lol sure. Lemme go ask.

 

I was being sarcastic. My mom is cool but she also worries. More so than my dad, she doesn’t like me out after dark. He just likes to see his rules obeyed. There was no chance in hell she was saying yes when I was coming to ask a half hour before sundown. 

Once in the hall, I could hear snoring from the living room downstairs. Looks like dad passed out in front of the TV again. He’s not drunk or anything, he just works long hours and likes to spend as much of his free time outdoors which really tuckers him out. I made my way down to my parents room and quietly opened the door.

“Hey mum, I know it’s getting late but can I go to the park real quick? It is a Friday night and Kenny wants to meet up.”

Mom lowered her reading glasses and looked at me over the book she had with her in bed. “I don’t think so, Connor. It may be a Friday night but you know how I feel about you asking to be out past curfew without any real notice like this.”

Called it. “I know mum.”

“I’m glad now that you’re back home again, I would really prefer it if it stays that way tonight. You know I worry about you dear.”

“I know mum,” I repeated. “I’ll let Kenny down easy.”

“Thank you sweetie.” Mom yawned. “Could you get the light on your way out?”

“Can do,” I told her. “Have a good night mum. Love you.”

“Love you too.” 

As I closed her door, I broke the bad news to Kenny.

 

Me: Hate to say I told you so but mom said no. Dad’s sleeping and I’m not waking him up to ask.

Kenny: Is your mom going to bed too?

Me: Why?

Kenny: Then you can just sneak out!

Me: I am NOT sneaking out! It is sooo not worth being caught.

Kenny: C'mon bro, you won’t get caught so don’t stress about it.

Me: What’s so special that it has to be tonight?

Kenny: It might not be here tomorrow.

Me: Well if it’s so urgent, why don’t you just tell me then?

Kenny: It’s a surprise.

 

Fucking Kenny.

 

Me: So there’s a big, special surprise waiting for me at the park if I can sneak out past my parents first?

Kenny: Exactly! You're not gonna get caught and I’ll make it worth your while. I promise.

 

Can I trust Kenny? Not really. It’s not like he tries to be untrustworthy per se, but whenever I ignore my better judgment to go along with one of his schemes, it seems like I always wind up paying for it one way or another.

 

Me: Fine. But this better be good.

Kenny: Oh it will be. See you in 15 minutes.

Me: See ya in 15

 

***

 

Without my luggage, it only took me a few minutes to reach the park. Mom had fallen asleep in her bed and Dad was still snoring on the couch when I slipped out the back door. However I’d already been waiting longer than ten minutes at the park and it had gotten dark.

Fucking Kenny.

I was getting anxious. I wish I hadn’t bothered sneaking out. If I’m being honest, I don’t like being out at night by myself. Not that Kenny cares about my anxieties or self-esteem issues. He says I’m too ‘sensitive’. Frankly sometimes I’m surprised we ever became friends in the first place.

“Hey Connor!”

Speak of the devil. I could make out Kenny’s outline in the dark. Looks like he shaved his head again.

“Hey Ken.”

“Told you not to call me that.”

“It’s what you get for being late.”

“I’m not late, I said I’d see you in fifteen.”

“And I said to be here before ten so I didn’t have to sneak out!”

“No you didn’t. Stop being so sensitive dude. Chill.”

I sighed in irritation. I could hear Kenny rummaging around in his pockets.

“Or maybe you’d like a little something to help you relax?”

He must have found what he was looking for because there was no mistaking that telltale aroma.

“I didn’t know you smoked weed.”

“I don’t. Usually.”

“So what gives?”

“This.” Kenny held up a little black cylinder. “Dab pen. Borrowed it from Jonsey. Remember him from high school? You guys go to school together and he told me you were both regulars with the same plug. I brought some sativa, your favorite.”

“This is your big surprise?”

“No, it's your big surprise. Happy homecoming!”

Kenny took his first rip. I was speechless. Of course the surprise was marijuana! If I wasn’t already annoyed with Kenny, I might’ve taken a puff as he offered it to me next. I didn’t take it.

“Are you going to hit this shit or not?”

“No, I’m leaving this shit behind at school. I quit. Besides, you know my parents would kill me if they caught me smoking anything under their roof!”

“Your parents always seemed pretty chill to me. Besides, we aren't under their roof.”

But I should be. This wasn’t worth it. “Doesn’t matter. I’m not having any.”

“Sure about that?”

Kenny pulled hard and fast on the pen. Before I knew it, he blew the cloud right in my face!

The skunky smell assaulted my nostrils. The vapors oozed up into my brain. I wanted to let my frustration melt away. It hadn’t even been twenty four hours yet and already I was tempted to give in! But then I would smell like weed. Suddenly I remembered why I was frustrated to begin with. I already smelled like weed!

“What the fuck man?” I started to panic.

“Calm down! It was a joke! I was just messing with you.”

“It’s not funny! I’m going home.”

“C’mon really? We just got here!”

“You blew smoke in my face! Now even if I don’t get caught sneaking back in tonight, I’m gonna need to fumigate this outfit because it reeks of fucking weed Kenneth!”

Kenny paused before answering. “Sorry I was excited to see you Connor. Really thought you’d like a surprise sesh but if this tolerance break is that important, I’ll lay off.” He sounded pissed off despite the fact that he was supposed to be apologizing.

“Thanks, it is that important.” I turned to leave. “I’ll see ya around Ken”

“Yeah see ya.”

***

By the time I got home, I was fuming. That asshole makes me wait all day then talks me into sneaking out to meet late for a surprise so he can blow smoke in my face? Some homecoming. It was after I accidentally slammed the door shut behind me that I knew I blew it.

The loud noise echoed through the quiet house and my blood ran cold. Maybe they didn’t hear anything. I bolted past the living room and was dashing up the stairs when the lights came on. I froze. 

“What in the hell was that all about Connor?!”

I swallowed hard. Time to confront my Dad.

“Hi Dad.”

“What were you doing out in the middle of the night?”

“I needed some air.”

“Like hell you did. You snuck out to see Kenny didn’t you?”

“Dad I-”

“I cannot believe you! Sneaking out to smoke weed with Kenneth Brewster!”

“Dad, I didn’t smoke anything.”

"Then why do you smell like weed?"

Fucking Kenny. "Uh I…"

"That's what I thought."

"I didn't smoke anything! You're not even listening to m-"

"I don't want excuses, tell me the truth!"

If Mom wasn’t wide awake already, she was now. I could hear her footsteps approaching from behind. 

"You want the truth? I did NOT smoke any weed tonight. I DID sneak out to talk to Kenny, okay? And that dick blew smoke from his fucking vape right in my face which is why I smell like that!"

“Language!” Mom exclaimed.

Dad kept going. "So you admit to ignoring your curfew, sneaking out and breaking our trust in-"

I couldn’t handle this and I exploded "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! Getting mad at me for not telling the truth and then chewing me out when I come clean, why am I being punished-"

"THAT'S IT! You're right. You are being punished."

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"YOU’RE GROUNDED!"

 

Part 3 - Metamorphosis

Grounded for the rest of the weekend! Mom said it would be good for me to 'chill out' for a bit. That I must be stressed after my exams and traveling. I get why she assumed that. I basically came right home and picked a fight with Dad. I guess after a year taking care of myself, I got a little used to doing whatever I wanted but actually getting grounded makes me feel kinda like in high school all over again. And not in a fun, nostalgic way. More like in an "I'm getting too old for this shit" kinda way.

My parents did have a point though. My hoodie smells like weed. The scent was driving me crazy. Once it got me caught, it became impossible to ignore. Man, I'm jonesing for a joint. That’s what was really grinding gears: I didn’t smoke but I had wanted to so badly!

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted the patches on the desk beside me. I slapped one on my arm as I headed for my bed across the room. I was still fuming as I drifted off to sleep.

***

I was in the back of Kenny's van with a few of his friends.

"Where are we going?"

I could see Kenny grinning at me from the rearview mirror as he adjusted it.

"We're picking up more weed dude! I got a new plug, remember?"

Great, now I'm having dreams about weed! I could tell I was dreaming because if I tried to focus on the background outside the car, it shifted and blurred. Also Kenny had sold this particular car last summer after high school. But like you do in a dream, I just went along with it.

“Have I met this one yet?”

“No but I think you’ll like her.” The guys around me snickered. “She seems like your type.”

“What’s that supposed to me-”

I was interrupted by Kenny pulling a fast left into a nearby parking lot. Though I thought we were downtown before, suddenly we were in the small car park behind our old high school. As I wriggled myself free from the himbo sandwich, I could see a girl with brightly dyed hair approaching the car from the far side of the school.

As she got closer, I knew what they meant by ‘my type.’ I didn’t disagree. Total nerdy, e-girl stoner chick vibes. She was even wearing an anime hoodie and a knit beanie. A couple facial piercings shimmered in the light of the streetlamp parked beside us. She rapped on my window so I rolled it down.

“Hey.”

“H-hey.” I stammered. “You the uh, plug?”

She smirked. “That’s what some customers call me. You can call me Stacy.”

I blushed. “Thanks Stacy. Good to know I’m a customer.” She laughed. I’m such an idiot.

“Quit flirting and pass the weed!” Kenny called from up front.

Stacy appeared to be offering us weed. In her right hand, she held a pink ziplock labeled “Pink Kush” and in her left hand, one labeled “Blue Dream”. Something about this was giving me Alice In Wonderland vibes or maybe like that scene in The Matrix.

“This is your last chance Connor. After this, there is no turning back.” Definitely The Matrix.

Stacy continued. “You take the blue bag - the dream ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the pink bag - you enter into femininity and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

I blushed even harder. Enter into femininity? She’ll show me how deep it goes? How could she have possibly known… right this is MY dream. No matter how badly I wanted to explore my deepest, darkest fantasies with the gorgeous, geeky goddess in front of me, there was no way I was giving in with Kenny and the guys right here.

“What’re ya waiting for? Give us the blue bag, we don’t need any of your queer shit!” Kenny proceeded to reach over me and grab at her left hand. Their exchange twisted and swirled like smoke as I was pushed down. An instant later I was pulled back into the car as Kenny retreated back through my window. 

"Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more." Stacy told me as she backed away from the car. I watched her go, transfixed by her mysterious words. Was the truth that she was just quoting another line from the Matrix? Was the truth that I had wanted to take the other bag? She gave us the right bag, didn't she?

"C'mon Connor, time to hot box this bitch!" said one of the bros on my right. I rolled up my window.

Kenny had already rolled a joint from the weed in the bag. But what color was it? The interior of the car appeared distorted by the streetlamp's sickly yellow light and I couldn't make out exactly but from my vantage point in the back seat, the bag looked kinda green. Blue plus yellow gives you green. That's a good sign right?

The flick of the lighter got my attention. Kenny was taking his first hit, passing me the jay as he put a hand to his mouth to muffle a cough. I took my puff and passed it on. Hadn't I quit? I wasn't exploring my femininity so why did I take that puff?

"Dude, you're looking ripped!"

"You too dude!"

Suddenly I took notice of the boys beside me. Except that they weren't really boys anymore. They looked older and more mature, almost as if they had turned into men…

"Check me out guys!" Kenny called out. "While you two were breaking your back in college football I got my business degree." He was now wearing a nice suit and a smug expression on his face. "I'm taking my business to the next level baby!"

My chest felt tight. I only had one puff, I just needed to cough. Then it felt like my rib cage was closing in around my lungs. My shoulders and waist can't be shrinking can they? Here comes that cough. My chest felt swollen. I needed to relieve this pressure. For the love of God, let it out! I finally barked out a nice, hacking cough. My chest wobbled as I did. No. When I went to pound on my chest, like I normally would during a coughing fit, my hand hit something soft and squishy and IT HURT! No no no no. I can't be growing boobs!

"Speaking of babes, nice tits Connie!"

As the pain in my chest started to subside, I could feel immense pressure beginning to mount in my hips and butt. My crotch began to hurt and I could feel all the men in the car undressing me with their eyes.

"I.. I.. " I stuttered but my voice was no longer my voice. It was now a melodic falsetto.

"Man you must've smoked that girly weed"

"No shit she smoked the girl weed."

I smoked the girl weed? But I couldn’t have. Kenny wanted the Blue Dream, not the Pink Kush! I swore he took the blue bag… unless Stacy really did swap the bags on us! Why was I being punished? Kenny was the one being a bigoted tool! He and the other guys all grew up into handsome, young men while only I got turned into a woman.

Why me?

I woke up in a cold sweat. I can be a lucid dreamer but this was on another level. I could swear that my chest still felt tender.

I hope weird stuff like this doesn't keep happening to me but just in case, I wanted to keep track of it somehow.

I needed to write this down.

***

ENTRY #1: Saturday

My grounding is off to a weird start so I started this dream journal. Not really sure where to go from here so I’m just going to spit it out: last night I dreamt that I smoked the girl weed! Kenny made some off-color remark and his cyberpunk-ass dealer gave us the wrong bag! It seems like whether it’s reality or a freaky fantasy, I’m the one paying the price for Kenny’s dumb decisions. Also I can’t believe it’s only been 24 hours and I’m already dreaming about weed.

I’m glad I applied a patch before bed. If I’m really going to make it for the rest of the summer, I need something to combat these weird dreams as well as the craving brought on by smelling weed. Although as long as Kenny is busy with work, I won’t have to deal with his bullshit. Maybe being grounded for a couple days isn’t the end of the world after all.

ENTRY #2: Monday

Well it looks like my grounding is officially over. I say ‘officially’ because I really have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything. Not like I had anything important going on but ever since Saturday, I’ve been feeling very sleepy. Slept most of the weekend away anyways so this morning when Mom came into my room to tell me I was officially ungrounded, it didn’t change the trajectory of my life all that much.

There is some more good news. I didn’t remember my dream (if I even had one) on Sunday but it did occur to me that maybe it was my patch that was making me so tired. Today I’m gonna risk it and not wear a patch to see if it changes anything. What’s the worst that can happen?

ENTRY #3: Tuesday

Oh my god! The worst has happened: my nightmare is coming true! I'm turning into a girl!

I think.

Let's slow down here. Even without the patch, I slept a lot yesterday. Started getting hungry as hell too when I was awake from my daily naps. My chest was definitely feeling tender and I tried my best to ignore it and get back to sleep, hoping that my increased appetite was a sign that I would be back to normal today.

How wrong I was.

I felt alive and full of life when I woke up this morning so I decided to hop in a quick shower, get cleaned up a bit. Walking over to the bathroom, I noticed that my butt seemed to be jiggling more than usual. I figured it must be nothing. As I got undressed, it was harder than normal to pull down my pajama pants and harder to ignore any potentially new junk in the trunk. However I didn't really start freaking out until I was already in the shower.

After sleeping for days, my face was suspiciously smooth. Shouldn't I have some stubble there? Scrubbing my limbs, I noticed the hair on them simply falling right off! This was definitely not normal. I didn't normally have much hair on my chest but comparing it to my now completely hairless limbs, I noticed my nipples were slightly swollen. As I marveled at them, my wet hair fell over my pecs. That wasn't right either. Even wet, it should only be down to my shoulders at most. How was it that long all of a sudden? When it hit me, I think I screamed.

Bouncing booty, swollen nips, tender pecs, no hair below the nose but extra hair up there? Given the dream I had back on Friday night, I would have to be stupid not to put two and two together. But that was impossible wasn't it?

This could have been going on for longer than I realized. Does smoking weed have feminizing effects? I thought that was a myth. Maybe I need to do more research on phytoestrogens to be sure. Maybe I have been slowly changing this whole time and it escaped my notice until I sobered up? That still sounds dumb even after writing it down.

I guess one silver lining is that I still haven't had to talk to Dad again yet. Mom came to check on me and I told her I wasn't feeling well. Hopefully I can get to the bottom of whatever is really happening to me before they notice anything strange…

***

I'm naked. I'm in a cold, sterile, glass tube.

What the fuck is going on?

I try to open my mouth only to realize that I can’t. There’s nothing obstructing it but my body appears to be immersed in some kind of liquid so it seems it won’t open. Why won’t any other part of my body move!? Am I in suspended animation?

Wait a minute, how can I see myself in the tube? Where am I?

I’m dreaming again aren’t I?

Just as soon as I thought I had it figured out, I heard a robotic voice from the lab around my tube. “AGE REGRESSION COMMENCING” it said followed by the unmistakable sound of a plug being pulled out of a bathtub. The liquid began to drain out of the tube. Then I was violently pulled into it.

Suddenly, I could feel my body again! I gasped for air but inhaled a mouthful of mystery science fluid 3000. Then another. And then another. Oh my God, I’m drowning! As if on cue, the water level dropped to the point where I could start coughing. I coughed until the tube was empty and my lungs hurt. I dropped to the bottom of the tube, scared and nude.

I glanced around the lab. I felt like an experiment. Like my body had been observed and modified by some alien power while I was gone. I stood up and looked down. For one split second, my mind registered that the body I’d regained possession of was the faintly feminized form I now sported back in the real world. It came complete with the patch I put on before bed to prevent these changes from progressing. Then the floor beneath my feet disappeared.

I started to fall. I started to scream. In an instant, the tube, the lab and the light were all gone. I was dropping down, falling forever through the pitch, black darkness. It was impossible to tell how long it lasted but once I stopped screaming, I wasn’t so sure that I was falling anymore.

The robotic voice spoke again. “CURRENT AGE: 16”

I broke into a cold sweat. I’m supposed to be 18. What did they do to me? Age regression?

Wasn’t that what the robot voice said back in the lab?

Now I could definitely feel myself shrinking. I couldn’t see so I ran my hands all along my body. I felt slimmer and smoother than before. Even without body hair, my skin had been tougher and more manly feeling before somehow. At least my pecs didn’t seem to be swollen anymore. Neither was my butt. I went to check the length of my hair. It was shorter now, similar to how it was going into high school.

“CURRENT AGE: 13”

That’s 3 years younger now! Is this regression increasing? When’s it going to stop? What’s going to happen to me if it doesn’t?

I kept getting smaller. Any remnants of my first puberty had been swept away as my prepubescent body returned. I had a dream about turning into a girl and it started happening in real life. If I dream about becoming a child again, is that going to happen for real too? My fingers seemed stubbier. My limbs felt out of proportion with my head and torso now.

“CURRENT AGE: 9”

It is speeding up! I lost 2 years, then 3, then 4. Half my life, gone! Was I going to be unborn? Could being unborn in a dream make you die in real life? I could sense a full blown anxiety attack coming on when a woman’s voice interrupted my intrusive thoughts.

"We are all born female." The hypnotic feminine echo enveloped me.

"Femininity is your default. Masculinity is for those who chose it."

What is she talking about?

"Did you choose masculinity Connor?"

What? No of course not! Why would I think that? I didn't have a say in how I was born. Nobody gets to choose. Do they?

"Everyone gets to choose," the voice responded, as if reading my thoughts. "The time has come to choose for yourself."

“CURRENT AGE: 4”

I don’t have 6 years left! Already terrified that I barely noticed myself going from middle schooler to kindergartener and I could feel myself becoming even smaller! My hands were flailing about of their own volition and suddenly holding up my own head steady required Herculean effort.

No, no. I don't want to be a baby! 

Just laying there in the dark was all I could do now. I could feel my boy parts shriveling away! 

Please God no! I don’t want to be unborn!

“Do you choose to be a boy?”

If I don't choose to be a boy, can I start over as a girl? 

“CURRENT AGE: ...”

I want to start over as a girl! Please, just give me a chance to try! My thoughts screamed as I finally woke up.

***

ENTRY #4: Wednesday

I had the most fucked up dream last night! I shrunk into like a girl baby and fucking died! Well, aging backwards rapidly to the point of being unborn is kinda like dying right? It’s already fading but that was the gist of it.

The scary part is that I look younger. My soft, smooth skin has a youthful glow that wasn't there before. I think I'm thinner than yesterday too! Is this really age regression or a progression of my ongoing feminization? The even scarier part is that there is not enough of a change yet to tell.

I've been smoke free for almost a week. It's occurred to me now that my recent irritability was partly due to withdrawal. I want to believe that's the cause of my drowsiness too but it seems like wishful thinking. More likely to be a side effect of my body changing.

It seems obvious in retrospect but hindsight is twenty-twenty. I had the first weird dream on the first night I applied a patch. The dreams seem to cause changes to my body in real life. Changes that speed up if I don't use a patch. Plus the cravings and other withdrawal symptoms seem to come back as well. The woman in my dream said we all have a choice but it doesn't seem like I do. Keep using the patches and I slowly turn into a girl or stop using them and the transformation gets faster and less comfortable. I'm still a girl afterwards either way. I can't choose to stay a boy.

Do I really want to stay a boy? I don't want my choice in the matter taken away. The voice in my dream had a point though: I never really chose to be a boy to begin with. I try my hardest to perform masculinity for people like Kenny or my Dad but is that what I really want? I've been freaking out more over why I'm feminizing than over the actual feminization itself. I'd say I'm only accepting the changes because I have no choice but if I'm being honest, I know that's not true.

I have to own up to what happened while examining my body in the mirror for changes today. Despite myself, I thought I was starting to like how I looked. I'd become so rundown from late nights studying and smoking, I liked seeing how fresh and rejuvenated my skin looked now. How long my hair was getting. I almost looked cute. Could I be attractive as a young woman? For a brief second, I imagined myself fully female. Was that what I really wanted? Would I even think it was if it wasn't an inevitability?

ENTRY #5: Thursday

I need to face the facts. I can’t stop thinking about it. Not doing anything about it, just thinking.

My gender’s been changing for at least the past two days and what am I doing? Trying to decide if I want to be a girl forever without even talking to anyone else about it! Without even trying to change back or get help figuring out whether it's actually permanent or not. Not wearing a patch for one day isn’t enough evidence to draw any kind of meaningful conclusions. I kept on justifying wearing them and I haven’t even tried the gum yet! Maybe it could curb withdrawal without a forced feminization side effect. Never investigated that possibility, instead I’ve been practically allowing my transformation to finish! I pretended like I was so worried about why this was happening to me that I had to keep it a secret instead of immediately running to my parents. This all tells me everything I needed to know.

I can tell they’re worried. I don’t blame them. I’ve stayed hidden away inside my room since last Friday. Given this week’s metamorphosis, it’s almost more like I’ve been hidden away inside a chrysalis since last Friday. I can go to the Friday Farmers market tomorrow and talk to the man running the stall selling herbal remedies. He must know why this is happening and can explain it all to me. Then I would come clean to my parents.

How would I explain it to them? I’d need a name. What would I call myself? My mind returned to my special smoking tree. There was a name carved into her trunk. Chloe. That's what my mom wanted to name me if I had been born as a girl.

***

I was in a high school hallway. My old high school hallway, I realized.

At first, it was packed. I was being jostled around by the crowd when I caught sight of a mirror up ahead. A full length mirror in the door frame right where the entrance to my old homeroom ought to be. As I made my way towards it, something felt off. I could hear the muffled ring of a bell, as though the sound were traveling underwater. Without fully understanding why, I knew that I had to get close enough to gaze into that mirror.

At first, it seemed to be moving farther away The closer I tried to get to it. The crowd thinned out as I continued approaching the mirror. At last I appeared to be making significant progress. The once crowded hallway was empty now. The submerged bell rang again when finally I reached the mirror. Within it, I think I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

She reminded me of a Transformers/Jennifer’s Body era Megan Fox. A buxom brunette with a sexy swoop of hair covering most of her left eye. I could tell she had makeup on. It looked like mascara and eyeshadow at least, accentuating her long lashes and creating a dark, smokey eye look. Her ears were pierced and she wore a necklace with a blue gemstone that matched the ones in her stud earrings.

A low cut, hot pink top left her very noticeable cleavage exposed, courtesy of a padded push up bra. She wore a white leather jacket with little sequin spikes on the wrists and shoulders. Below that, she simply appeared to be wearing yoga pants. They hugged her curves in all the right ways and felt super comfortable to boot! As I turned to get a glimpse of her butt, I suddenly became aware that this was a reflection. MY reflection!

I could feel a weird tug as I turned, kinda like I was getting a wedgie. Don’t girls usually wear thongs with leggings like these? It had just sunk in. The beautiful girl in the mirror. I was her!? But I couldn’t be her, could I?

I felt something tight around my chest. I was wearing a bra! I was wearing a thong! And yoga pants and a sexy top that left my tits hanging out! The more I took notice of my strange new body in my strange new attire, the more the realization dawned on me.

In that moment, I knew what I wanted more than anything. I wanted it to be real. I wanted her to be real. I wanted to get to meet this girl, to get to know her. I wanted to give her a life but was I really ready to do that at the cost of my own?

Somehow in that moment, I just knew that was the price to see this dream come true.

***

I woke to the sound of my alarm buzzing in my ear. Why had I set an alarm on a Friday morning again? I was groping around for my phone to turn it off when I remembered. It was Friday morning.

THE FARMER’S MARKET!

In one swift motion, I leapt out of bed, swiped my phone screen and ended the alarm. I threw on a comfy old pair of gym shorts, a band tee, and seconds later, my bedroom door was slamming shut behind me.

As I ran, I was acutely aware of more new changes to my body. Namely that I definitely now had small breasts that were completely unrestrained as I ran. My hips were swaying, my thighs jiggling and my butt bouncing all more than usual and I could barely bring myself to be alarmed. I had never felt anything like it before and I really should’ve been freaking out. I wasn’t even worried that I wasn’t freaking out. Told myself I was too focused on getting downtown.

After my dream last night, I felt conflicted. Even if I could, did I even really want to undo these changes anymore? Would I still give up my life as Connor to start a new life as Chloe if I really had another choice? I wanted to think so but that morning I was consumed by my quest for answers.

Hopefully I could find that herbal remedies tent. Have everything explained. Get this whole crazy mess straightened out.

After running all the way up the Richmond and back, it was nowhere to be seen.

What do I do now?

 

Part 4 - Coming Out

This is it. This is the part where I have a huge anxiety attack. That stall selling herbal remedies can’t just be gone. I needed answers! Things magically disappear like this in campfire stories, but this is real life! Somebody must know something. That’s it! I could ask the other vendors. Despite this revelation, my feet stayed rooted to the spot. If I can start asking around, why aren’t I doing it?

I remembered to breathe. Nice long inhale through my nose, deep exhale through my mouth to clear out my lungs. Then I did it again. And once more after that. I’ve been down the entire street already, was I really going to do it again? I didn’t think so. I couldn’t believe it. Why aren’t I freaking out more? That hippie guy can’t tell me that it was his patches that transformed me. There isn’t some sort of MacGuffin he can pull out to return me to normal. Would it change how I feel if he could? Holy shit! I’m getting myself through this. I have always had issues with anxiety and self image. Changing from a boy into a girl in a week should be impossible! Yet I’ve taken it in stride all by myself. As far as I can tell, there is no undoing this. I think I already accepted that before I got here. The only person who might have any answers for me is nowhere to be seen. I can’t really blame them for this mess either. I did this to myself. I didn’t have to use the patches. Hell I didn’t ever use the gum! I didn’t have to buy anything in the first place. I didn’t have to get addicted to drugs at all. I always had other options for anxiety management. Like writing in a diary, taking deep breaths or talking yourself down from a panic attack. 

This is it. This is actually the part where I calm down! I’m not even high right now. In fact, I made it a whole week without smoking! I did that. Maybe I never needed those patches. Maybe what I needed was something to keep me from going back. Something that made me stop and reflect. To finally be honest with myself so I could realize that I can do this. 

What I did not realize was that I was in front of the vintage shop again. This time there was a mirror out front. It reminded me of the one from my dream. That’s when I saw her again. She wasn't wearing any girly clothes this time. She was wearing my old band tee and comfy soccer shorts. She didn't have any makeup on and her hair was a tangled mess. She looked like she woke up that way and threw those clothes on before running all the way downtown to the market just like me. In fact, she really had done that. That's what made her look so beautiful to me now. She looked real. She was real! In my dream, I had wanted to be Chloe. I could see now that I was Chloe. I am Chloe. I had a metaphorical moment of self-reflection and now I’m having a very literal one. I remembered the camouflage dress from last week. Part of wondering if it was still around here somewhere.

I used to hate looking in mirrors. To be honest, I knew why too. Deep down, I did want to be more feminine. I’ve been living in fear of what I really wanted for so long that fear came to control my life. I wanted to make it go away. Smoking weed was such an easy way to do that. I buckled under the pressure at school because I couldn’t work so hard anymore to build a life for a man I could never bring myself to be. I knew that the day would come when I'd have to face the music. Confronting one was always going to require confronting the other, my addiction and my dysphoria go hand in hand. Now I’m finally healing from both. On the plus side, it seems I made up my mind to be a girl fairly quickly so I didn’t de-age much. Sure because that makes sense.

I sighed. I’ve hidden all this from my parents until now. I can’t keep that up forever. 

I had to get home!

***

I was almost home from the market when I heard a familiar voice yell.

"Hey Connor!"

Fucking Kenny.

Of course he was working on a house up the street from my parent's place this morning! From his vantage point atop the ladder he could see my new feminine body very clearly, unlike last time. My then still masculine form was shrouded in darkness during our meeting at the park. I could tell he noticed right away because his face fell as I came nearer.

“Woah. Woah. What the actual fuck! Why do you have fucking tits?” he demanded.

“Uh Kenny-” I tried.

He cut me off. “When were you going to tell me you were a fucking transvestite?”

“Kenny, listen to me.”

“You still sound like a man. What kind of crazy pills did that university give you?”

“None. I can explain-” I tried again.

He cut me off once more. “Explains why you were being a little bitch about smoking last week. Were you on your period or something?”

That was it. I’d had enough. Then I did something I should have done a long time ago.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE!” I screamed.

And he did. 

Taking advantage of Kenny’s stunned silence, I ventured on. “I didn’t take any pills Kenny. I didn’t expect the patches to work as well as they did. When all this started,” I motioned to my feminized form. “I truly had no idea what to expect. Regardless of how it happened, I am glad that it did. This is my body now. This is who I really am.”

Kenny stared at me for a second once I was done. “I gotta be honest with you dude.” he said finally.“This isn’t really who you are. You’re making a huge mistake. You’ve changed your body with experimental chemicals. That’s not right. It’s against God’s design.”

Wow. Now it was my turn to be stunned. There’s a lot to unpack here. He seemed to be waiting for my response. I was torn between tearing into his accusation or defending myself. Ultimately, I decided I had to speak my truth. “I’m not making a mistake. I’m transgender. I didn’t choose to be born the way I was but I am choosing to transition. I think a trans woman IS how God made me!” As empowering as it was to hear these words coming out of my mouth, somehow I just knew Kenny was about to ruin my newfound euphoria.

“I’m really shocked, man. You seemed so smart, I don’t know how the woke mind virus got to you so badly like this. Don’t tell me they’ve convinced you to cut your dick off already!” he exclaimed.

There’s no point in explaining myself any further. He still doesn’t give a shit about a single fucking word I have to say! I don’t care what you believe, this is NOT how friends treat each other. While this should have occurred to me a long time ago, Kenny is a bad friend. No, you know what? Kenny WAS a bad friend. I’m done with this.

“Goodbye Ken.” I bid my former friend a final farewell before the gutter guy was left in the gutter.

***

I wanted to wait outside my parent’s place for a few moments. It didn’t take long enough to get there and I still needed a minute. However I didn’t wanna take any chances since I just walked out on Kenny. I didn’t expect him to go pull some alt-right Christian transphobic bullshit on me but maybe I should have. Now I felt like I didn't know what else he might do.

I didn’t realize how fast I closed the door until I heard it slamming behind me. My parents definitely heard that. There was no bolting up the stairs this time. I’m facing the music.

My dad came down the stairs. Damn, I was hoping it would be Mom first. I could’ve used another one of her hugs right about then. Deep breath. I just stood up to my ex-best friend and it went about as poorly as it could’ve. I could handle my dad.

“Where were you?” he asked.

“Farmer’s market.” I quickly replied.

“When you rushed off this morning after locking yourself in your room all week, we were so worried,” he really sounded concerned. He gave me the old ocular patdown and I could see confusion in his eyes. “What’s going on son?”

I chose my next words carefully. “Dad, I want to tell you the truth, are you willing to listen to it?”

“I didn’t listen to you before, I should listen to you now,” he replied.

His mature response shocked me.

Nice long inhale through my nose, deep exhale to clear out my lungs. Showtime. “As I’m sure you’ve noticed,” I began slowly. “I’ve got something to come out to you about.” I saw my mother coming down the stairs behind him. Perfect timing Mom.

“Mom, Dad, I’m transgender. I came to that realization over the past few days as my body transformed. I think it was caused by something I bought at the Friday Farmer’s Market last week. I planned to find out if there was a way to change back when I returned this morning and the vendor was nowhere to be seen! I know that sounds impossible but the proof is right in front of you. That’s the truth, honest to God.” I confessed.

“So you like being this way?” he asked earnestly.

“I do. I was so insecure about my body before. I knew something was off and I didn’t like it, but I wouldn’t admit to myself what it was. I only fully accepted my identity once I figured out there may be no way back. I’ve come to terms with everything pretty quickly though.”

“So what did you buy at the market?” he inquired next.

“I thought it was a herbal remedy. There were some patches I bought that seemingly triggered my gender swap. If I stopped using them, the changes accelerated so I kept it steady all week in hopes of making it to the market on time.” I answered.

“And what did you need this ‘herbal remedy’ for?” Some suspicion in his voice.

“I need to get something else off my chest. Before I do, I need to know. Do you believe me?”

“I believe you.”

“Really?!”

“This is a lot to take in but yes I do believe you.” came his final answer. My mind was being blown.

It must’ve shown on my face since dad carried on. "Your mother and I know that, er.. life is harder for transgenders than regular people. It's not that we ever wanted you to hide yourself from us, we didn't want your life to be harder than it needed to be. We just want what's best for you Connor.” he took my mother’s hand in his own. “And if that means you're transitioning, then we support it."

Kenny didn’t. Holy shit! Is this really happening? My parents are accepting me! After the rejection I faced before this, I was on the verge of freaking out again. That makes twice in one day now that I avoided a major panic attack all by myself! Plus I’m not alone. My family loves me. I believe it. This is how coming out is supposed to be.

“So what would you like us to call you now dear?” my mom always did know when to step in during discussions with my father. ‘Do you have a new name picked out yet?“

“I do.” I did a little twirl.“Meet your daughter Chloe.” Nailed it.

“You know, I wanted to name you Chloe if you had been born as a girl.” my mother informed me with a smile.

“I know Mum. That's why I picked it.” This was too much for her.

She pulled me into another snug hug. “I’ve always wanted a daughter!” she cried.

“And what did you want to tell us?” my father interjected. Time for the final act.

Second confession. “I smoked weed at school. I quit. I've been smoke free for a whole week now.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I did it because I was anxious. I was a nervous wreck in school. Now I understand my dysphoria was adding to my stress too. I needed something that made that all go away. I took the easy way out. I got addicted to drugs. I’m sorry dad.”

My father sighed. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

I gazed at him in disbelief. This was not the reaction I expected.

“Come sit down. As I’m sure you’ve noticed,” he chuckled. “I have something to come out to YOU about!”

I smiled at his attempted dad joke. I mean really he just recycled my line from earlier but I didn’t care. My family gathered around the kitchen table. I sat across from dad and mom took the seat beside me.

"Your mother and I used to smoke cigarettes,” he confessed.

For the fourth time now, dad was defying all my expectations.

“I should have told you sooner. It’s not an easy thing to talk about. We quit as soon as we found out we were pregnant with you. It wasn’t worth the risk to your health.” I was touched. I never had any idea. He carried on. “Addiction runs in the family. Nicotine was the most addictive substance I ever encountered. I got addicted. Quitting cold turkey was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point. It got easier with a little trick I learned.”

“What did you learn?” I wanted to know.

He smiled. “You never quit if you don’t tell yourself that you’re going to quit. I told myself I quit every day I needed to make it true. Haven’t touched a cigarette in almost 20 years.”

I was in awe. I had turned away from being his son but somehow I was still following in his footsteps. “I thought you’d be angrier.” I disclosed quietly.

“You're our only child. We wished you could learn from our mistakes, not repeat them. Children grow up so fast. I have to remember to treat you like an adult. Owning up to your bad habits and making a serious change is a very grown up thing to do.” he told me.

“I was worried about what you two were going to say. I didn't want to be a disappointment.”

“I may have been disappointed that you snuck out to see Kenny but I never thought YOU were a disappointment. I’m grumpy when I woke up in the night but I shouldn’t've blown my top at you like I did. I’m sorry.” My father apologized.

“Ha, funny you should mention Kenny. I am kinda disappointed with him.” I said.

"I always thought he was a bad influence. Since you were kids, you’ve been running around with that Kenneth Brewster finding trouble before it found you. "

"He was a bad influence Dad, I see that now." I admitted. “We’ve had a falling out. I don’t think I’ll be running around with him anymore.”

He must’ve been able to see I was still hurting so thankfully dad left it at, “I think that’s for the best.”

“Thank you for being honest with us.” Mom added.

“Thank you for listening and accepting me.” I was tearing up as the words left my mouth.

“Of course, it’s what good parents do.” We all got up. Both my parents pulled me into a very big, snug hug. “We love you Chloe.”

I hugged my parents back. “I love you too.”

 

Part 5 - A Life You Don't Need A Vacation From (Epilogue)

- TWO MONTHS LATER -

ENTRY #42: Friday

Well it looks like I’m going back to high school. My father found out about a special school down in the states for people who have been TG’d: Puellae Aurora Academy. My mother wrote to the headmistress, Ms. Hathaway, about my situation. She seemed happy to offer her support.

‘Chloe Snyder’ was offered a spot at the academy next year and I gladly accepted. While I wasn’t in need of repeating senior year for any of the usual reasons, Ms. Hathaway said I could learn what it means to be a TG at PAA and how to continue adapting to my new life. I feel like I’ve been doing a pretty good job of that already, but I was eager to see for myself what they could teach me. She even got us in touch with the school’s medical personnel, who confirmed that I actually did get two years younger! So instead of July 18th this year being my 19th birthday, I turned 17 again. Looks like my curfew isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve only got another week and a half or so left to enjoy it though. Ugh, I can’t believe American schools start in August. Heck, I can’t believe that I’m actually excited to go back to high school!

Not necessarily because of the high school part, but because I didn’t reinvent myself the way I wanted to last time around. As Chloe, I’m being given a second chance at a fresh start here and I want to make the most of it. Which means no more smoking weed. I'm turning my life around this year at PAA. This is for real. It’s not just another tolerance break.

---

Dani’s a Canadian trans author just starting to share her stories online. Keep an eye out for them on TG Storytime and ScribbleHub.