Putting down the oil lamp back where she found it, she let her body fall onto the soft bouncy bed. Gods, she was tired. All those lives she lived, but nothing ever ended the way she wanted. She threw herself into the fire that was Lucian, just so he would continue to burn. And all he remembered of her was being that bossy young lady who were always at least a meter away from his side. Rachel el’Mathias had learned to bear no shame when accused for monopolizing the Crown Prince’s time. So long he succeeds to the throne, Rachel’s dream will come true.

She focused her sight on a painting at the head of the bed. It was a religious themed painting of the Gods in Heaven looking down at the mortal realm. It was supposed to be a calming message that the Gods in Heaven would always be there for the mortal, yet right now, Rachel felt disgusted. To her eyes, the painting only pictured how those damn deities watching their lives like one would a comedy theater. The smiling face looked more like a mocking grin; the open mouth laugh was like they were cackling hysterically at how much the mortal suffered. How much I suffered.

“Is there really a point of sending me back in time again, you damned bastards?!”

The painting dropped as she threw a pillow towards it and it slip into the narrow area between the bed frame and the wall. Her sudden burst of anger used to be so addictive. Once she started to destroy or hit something, or someone, she couldn’t stop. And she wouldn’t. It was so satisfying to keep on adding fuel to the anger. If this was her second reincarnation, she wouldn’t stop until the whole room was wrecked. She almost killed a poor stable boy in her anger fits in the third life.

But now? Rachel sighed. She was too tired. Being angry was tiring. Having to physically move her limbs to further destroy that stupid painting was too much of an effort. Might as well just let it rot there, right?

Crawling back under her duvet, she closed her eyes and let sleep take her. If she’s lucky, she will not wake up anymore. If she woke up for yet another day…. Well.

I’ve lived enough trying to be good, so that I will get a good position in society. And all ended in my own destruction.

Why not this time around I just sit back and watch the whole thing crumble to pieces?

~~

Morning comes and Rachel was already up sitting by the side of the bed. Being a morning person, it’s actually hard for her to sleep in even though she knew there’s nothing important she had to do so early. She had been sitting up there since before the sun peaked from behind the bell tower that's directly in view from her room. It's a game of sort she played since she was a toddler, to see if she could win over the sun as who would rise the faster. She always won, and the good feeling would be her source of energy to face the day.

“Good morning, my Lady! You’re always such an early riser.”

The sweet voice belonged to a lanky maid who came in without knocking. The maid was Jenny, Rachel’s personal maid since she was 10, despite having only 5 years gap between them. Because their age was close, Rachel liked having Jenny around. The short haired maid would love to talk about everything, even when Rachel didn’t ask for it. Rachel always thought it’s because Jenny has a very loose mouth and like to talk nonsense, but it was more than that.

“Here is the hot water to wash up with. Would my Lady prefer to have breakfast now, or with the Duke and Duchess?”

Jenny placed the copper tub of steaming water on a small table at the side of the bed and began to get busy with the curtains and making the bed. Rachel took her time to wash up and rubbed her teeth with salt and a thin cloth, used for that purpose. She winced remembering she had to go through those painful trips to the dentist to deal with her back molars again for the fourth time.

“Today is the weekend, and there’s no school. Is my Lady planning to go anywhere today or would my Lady spend the day at the library? I think it’s a pretty day today, and it’s a waste if my Lady were to be inside all day. I heard that a new café just opened up by the riverside and there’s a gorgeous view of the Blue River. A lot of other ladies had already been there said it was absolutely worth the wait of the long lines. Many people now go there to propose or to meet their marriage candidate, even commoners…”

Rachel tuned out the usual long endless chatter from Jenny. Even if Rachel considered herself as a morning person, she preferred to start her day in silence. Though no one can deny having such a noisy maid who would talk forever if they could, was somewhat useful. For example, you just skip the whole routine of reading the morning paper, plus you get the very specific type of news you wanted to hear. Jenny had been useful for the last three times she had lived, but only in her last life Rachel realized what the tall maid was trying to do.

Sitting in front of the dressing table, Rachel stared at her own reflection in the mirror as she sits down for Jenny to brush and arrange her hair. A very therapeutic moment she loved but today she just fixed her eyes to the ones inside the mirror. Despite feeling so tired, there’s no sign of it in her face. Perhaps it’s just her soul that’s tired. She daintily lifts the mint tea she always preferred in the morning before breakfast. How do one rest their soul? Is that even a possible thing to do?

Jenny’s long fingers are not alike what one would associate with a young girl of 19, but she was very gentle with handling her Lady’s hair. From under her chin, Rachel could see her a lump on her throat that’s only seen on males, most of the time hidden under her high collar. Jenny became Jenny one morning when Rachel was 12, and she had been at Rachel’s side for all the lives she had lived before. Jenny was the only one that had not betrayed her in all of those lives. Jenny was the only one who did not contribute to her demise.

That is until the last life. The one where Rachel was demoted and disgraced, and eventually executed in public.

“Oh dear, my Lady!”

Jenny’s voice brought Rachel’s mind back to the current life. Her hand and lap felt wet with hot tea. Apparently, she had gripped the delicate teacup too hard and it broke, fell onto her lap.

Ah, I did it again. Why do I always want to destroy things when I’m angry…

Jenny was now half panicking to find a towel and began to carefully wipe Rachel’s hands. The maid kept asking if she needed to call the family physician to look at her hand. They were not burned, but they were awfully red.

“Don’t bother about this anymore, Jenny. I’m perfectly fine, the tea had already cooled enough. But perhaps I will not go out today. I think I’ll spend the day in the library after all.” Rachel smiled at her from the mirror’s reflection. “There’s no need to go out every weekend and waste money so mindlessly. Father will be troubled with the bill again.”

It was in an instant, but Rachel could see the micro expression in the maid’s face. Jenny had been discretely influencing Rachel’s decision ever since the maid was placed to served her. She had been the reason why she thought pink and white laces were her favorite. Or having Rachel seemed to appear like a person who cared not about spending wisely, shopping many dresses and other fancy things that Rachel wouldn’t actually have the opportunity to wear. Whenever it seems like an appropriate time had passed, Jenny would secretly take the forgotten items to have them sold, and pocketed the money. The idea to go to that café by the river must have been an excuse for another shopping trip. To add more items for Jenny to steal from under Rachel’s nose.

“Tell me, Jenny. Is it fair to punish someone for a crime they haven’t done yet?”

garden

I've always wanted to write about trans characters, but I don't know if I should point it out more deliberately or not.