6
Cracking

“Can I have some money, Mom?” I asked. I wanted to go shopping, but I was about as broke as could be. I had just finished up another exhausting, but kind of fun, school day with the girls. “I want to go to the mall.”

“You, going shopping?” she said, leaning over the counter and looking at me. “That’s a first.”

“I just figured I might as well get some clothes I like if I have to do this for a long time,” I said. I had spotted some clothes that looked decent yesterday, and I finally caved and decided to buy them.

“Yeah, sure,” Mom said, without a care in the world. Suddenly, she realized what I just said. “Wait, you liked feminine clothing enough to buy them?”

“Maybe?” I said, awkwardly. I didn’t want to admit that I liked them, but some of them did look sort of cute. “It’s more that I need clothes, so I might as well buy them.”

“Sure,” she said, clearly doubtful. “Well, I’m happy you’re adjusting to your circumstances, you did need some clothes to wear anyways.”

“Where’s the makeup remover?” I asked, trying to swerve the topic from what we were talking about.

“You’re going without your makeup on?” she asked, confused.

“Yeah, of course,” I said, wondering why she seemed so confused. “Why not?”

“I mean, you can go without makeup,” my Mom said. “But if you meet anyone you know, good luck explaining your nails.”

“Oh,” I said, looking at my lavender-shaded nails. “Are you kidding me?”

“Hey, you’re the one you decided to get it,” my mom said, laughing. “So just go as a girl, it’ll be simpler to explain. Not to mention, if you meet one of your friends at school, they may notice that this boy looks eerily similar to you and has the same nails. Also, how would you explain buying feminine clothes as a male?”

“Fine,” I grumbled, she did have a point there. “Girlmode it is for this then.”

* * *

I had been walking around the mall for a few minutes when I spotted a Gamestop. I stopped myself. Mom would be unhappy if I spent any money at Gamestop, especially when she gave it to me for clothes. Ultimately though, I stepped into the store, unable to stop myself. I was looking at a copy of the newest Call of Duty when I saw a familiar face.

“Matthew!” I said, excited to see him. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I was just looking for a game to play on my PS4,” he said. “I’m trying to decide between Hollow Knight and Celeste.”

“Ooh,” I said, looking at the two games he held in his hands. “I’ve played Celeste, I’d go with that. It’s super fun, but a little difficult though if you’re going for all the collectibles.”

“I just play the game and finish it,” he said, laughing. “I don’t usually go for any collectibles or achievements.”

“Then you’ll be fine,” I said, nodding. “The difficulty curve only gets bad on the B-sides.”

“I see,” he said, staring at both games. After a few seconds, he put down Hollow Knight and picked up Celeste. “I’ll go with this then.”

“Glad to see you’re following my advice,” I said, smiling.

“Why are you here anyway?” he asked. “I didn’t expect to run into you here.”

“I came for some clothes,” I explained. “I needed to buy some for school anyways, since we don’t have uniforms.”

“Mind if I follow you after I check this out?” he asked. “I have nothing to do today anyways, so I might as well get some shopping in too.”

“Sure, that’s fine,” I replied

* * *

“What type of clothes are you planning to get anyways?” Matthew asked, walking next to me. “Surely you can’t wear masculine clothes to school, right?”

“Umm,” I said, awkwardly. Truth was, I found some dresses and outfits cute yesterday, and although I tried to get them out of my mind, I just couldn’t. I just decided to admit it and get it over with. “Yeah, I’m getting feminine clothing.”

“Wow,” he said, clearly lost for words. “Nobody is forcing you to do it and you’re getting feminine clothes?”

“Some looked decent, okay,” I said, desperately trying to justify myself. “Doesn’t mean I’m a girl or anything.”

“I never said that made you a girl, but whatever,” he replied, looking confused.

“Hey, here we are,” I said, trying to change the topic. I pointed at a storefront. “This is the store I saw yesterday, it had some cute clothes.”

“Cute?” he asked. He genuinely had a look of concern on his face now. “That is the first time I’ve ever heard you say that word.”

“Umm, yeah,” I said, I stared back at his mask of concern, realizing I should probably be more careful with my words around him. I changed directions, walking into the store quickly and picking up a dress. “Anyways, I’m going to try this on, wait outside.”

“Sure,” he said, frowning.

I quickly changed into the dress, not looking at my naked body while doing so. I don’t know why, but it always made me uncomfortable to look at it. The dress was a black one with a transparent sleeve, and I noticed it because it looked cute but had a bit of flirtiness to it. Not that I had anybody to flirt with, but whatever.

“Matthew, how does this look?” I asked, stepping out. I did a quick twirl for him, stopping when I saw his shocked face. “What is it?”

“No, no, never mind,” he said, shaking his head. “You look great.”

“I thought so, thanks,” I said. I checked out the purchase, putting my old clothes in a bag.

“Here, do you want me to carry this for you?” he asked, taking the bag from my hand. I felt his hand brush against mine, something that immediately made me embarrassed for some odd reason.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I said, my brain not working properly. “Thanks.”

* * *

“Katie,” I heard a familiar voice say as I heard someone step up behind me. I grimaced, did I seriously have to meet her at this time? “I can’t believe I spotted you here. Oh, who’s this?”

“Lauren,” I said, turning around awkwardly. “This is my… friend, Matthew.”

“Your friend,” she said, sounding suspicious. She furrowed her eyebrows, her eyes darting around the scene. “Why is he holding all your shopping bags for you?”

“Umm,” I said, trying to formulate an excuse in my mind. “I’m so weak that carrying anything would cause me to collapse?”

“That’s not true!” she yelled out. “Tell me honestly what’s going on, is this your boyfriend?”

“No, he’s not my boyfriend,” I said, balking. “No way I’d ever have a boyfriend, no, I don’t even want to imagine that.”

I imagined myself with a boyfriend. I thought of myself cuddling next to him as he stroked my hair. It made me feel oddly warm, for some reason—a big, strong man there to protect me. I stopped myself, why was I imagining this again? I snapped back to reality to see Lauren had already been talking for a while now while I was fantasizing.

“I don’t get why you’re so opposed to it?” she asked, tilting her head. “I would want one. He looks decent enough too.”

“I’m right here, you know,” Matthew said, looking peeved.

“Well, it was a compliment,” Lauren said, rolling her eyes.

“Lauren, come on, we need to move on to the next shop now,” I heard a middle-aged woman, presumably her mom, say.

“Okay, I have to go now, but this isn’t over, okay?” she said as she strode off.

“What was that all about?” Matthew asked as Lauren ran back to her parents. He frowned, clearly confused about the whole interaction.

“She’s one of my friends at school,” I expressed, sighing. “She’s a little excitable, as you can tell.”

“To say the least, yeah,” he said, laughing slightly at the ridiculousness of it all. “At least you have good friends, she sounds nice enough.”

“Yeah, they are nice enough people, just kind of tiring to deal with sometimes,” I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“Do you want to eat now?” Matthew asked, pointing a thumb toward the food court. “I’m kind of tired, and I think you’ve bought enough dresses.”

“You know what, sure,” I said, also feeling a little hungry at this point. “Let’s go.”

* * *

We were eating at the food court silently when Matthew decided to speak up. “Are you sure you’re not transgender or whatever?” he asked, confused.

“Where did that come from?” I asked. I frowned, confused. “What makes you say that?”

“Look, believe it or not, you are very different than you were just two weeks ago,” Matthew said, matter-of-factly. “You seem so much happier and confident in yourself now”

“I’m not transgender just because I seem a little more confident to you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“I don’t know, the vibe around you just changed,” Matthew said, motioning his hands around to try and explain how my vibes apparently changed. “Do you know how surprised I was when you voluntarily wore a dress and spun in front of me to show it off? That is something Tyler would never do, but Katie just did.”

“I think you’re forgetting we’re the same person here,” I said, biting into a french fry. “And I’m sorry to inform you that I am not transgender in the least. I’m just adapting to my circumstances, as one would do.”

“Maybe adapting a little too well,” he said, staring directly into my eyes. An awkward silence hung in the air for a few seconds until he spoke up again. “Anyways, what was up with her thinking we were dating?”

“Umm,” I said, staring off into space. “I guess they just saw a girl and a boy together and thought we were something special.”

“God, I’m assuming they’re going to harass you about it tomorrow?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Yeah, they probably will.”

* * *

“Katie has a boyfriend,” Lauren announced the second I sat down at the lunch table to eat. “She tried to hide him from me, but I found out.”

“Woah, Katie, you have a boyfriend?” Liz said, leaning in. “Is he cute?”

“I’d say he’s solidly above average,” Lauren said. “Definitely not ugly.”

“I wonder what type of boys Katie is into,” Sam thought aloud. “Maybe femboys?”

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why would I be into femboys?”

“I don’t know,” Sam said, shrugging. “Since you’re kind of a tomboy, maybe you’d like femboys? Opposites attract, you know.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” I muttered.

“Anyways, I can’t believe you didn’t tell us,” Lauren said, looking disappointed. “I thought we were friends.”

“I didn’t tell you because I don’t have a boyfriend,” I said, exasperated. Was there anything that could convince these girls I was happily single? “He’s just a good friend.”

“Sure, a good friend,” Liz said, making quotation marks with her fingers around the good friend. “That’s what they all say.”

“I’m serious!” I yelled out, wanting them to believe me. “Look, we’ve been friends for a long time, since elementary school. I couldn't even imagine dating him.”

“Ooh,” Lauren said, leaning in to look closely at me. I moved my head back a little, surprised. “The friends-to-lovers pipeline, huh?”

“No,” I said, exhausted. “Nothing at all is going on between us. Nothing. I swear.”

“Look, all I’m saying is the two of you would be a cute couple,” Lauren said, leaning back with a smirk.

“Describe what he looks like for me, Lauren,” Sam said, seeming curious.

“He’s Asian, about five feet and nine inches I’d say. He’s kind of the nerdy-looking type, but not in a bad way,” Lauren said. She held up a hand above her head to indicate Matthew’s height. “He still looks pretty cute and smart.”

“Ooh,“ Liz said. “How adorable, Katie. He seems like a good fit for you.”

“Not adorable,” I said. “What can I do to convince you all that we are not dating?”

“Nothing,” Lauren said. “We’ll remain convinced until the end.”

I sighed, rubbing my temple. Was there really nothing I could do to convince these girls that I wasn’t dating Matthew? “You know what,” I said, annoyed and wanting to prove my point. “How about I call Matthew right here and now.”

“His name is Matthew?” Liz asked, smiling. “Write that down!”

“Ugh, whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m calling him.”

I picked up my phone, found Matthew’s contact and called him. It took a while and he didn’t pick up, so I was relieved, thinking we were going to avoid the conversation. Sadly, he picked up right before it was about to go to voicemail.

“I’m at lunch, why the hell are you calling me?” he asked. “I had to go to the bathroom to pick up, is it something important?”

“How cute,” Lauren said, giggling. “He went all the way to the bathroom to pick up your call.”

“You’re with your friends?” he asked. “What’s going on?”

“Look, Matthew, I have to ask,” I said, yelling to make my voice heard over the loud cafeteria. “Are we dating?”

“Are we dating?” he asked, confused. “What?”

“My friends think we’re dating so I’m trying to prove them wrong.”

“No, we’re not dating,” he said. “Not at all.”

“See, point proven,” I said, shrugging. “Nothing going on between us, are we good now?”

“Do you think Katie is cute?” Liz yelled out into my phone.

“C-Cute?” he asked, stuttering. “I mean she is pretty cute.”

“Ooh,” Sam said, excited. “He thinks you’re cute, Katie. Good news.”

“That is terrible news,” I said. Nonetheless, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing a little, did he really think I was cute? I picked up the phone and turned off the speaker, putting it next to my ear. I noticed the girls lean in, trying to hear what Matthew would say. “Why are you calling me cute?”

“Well, you are,” he said. “How else am I supposed to respond?”

“I’m trying to make them think we’re not dating,” I said, exasperated. “You’re meant to say I’m not cute.”

“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” he asked. “Anyways, finish this call, I need to go back now.”

“Fine,” I said, hanging up. I turned back to address the girls. “Okay, does that prove anything?”

“It proves you two have a crush on one another,” Lauren said, laughing. “Thanks for the quality content, Katie.”

I sighed. It seems that in my attempt to prove them wrong, I just gave them more ammunition.

* * *

I was reading Frankenstein in English class when someone entered the room. I saw them whisper to the teacher, who nodded. “Katie, can you please go to the school office? There is something that must be discussed.”

“Ooh, are you in trouble?” Lauren whispered next to me.

“I hope not,” I whispered back, my blood running cold. Did they find out I was a guy?

“Get going, don’t chit-chat,” my teacher said, shooing me out of the room. I sighed and left, a little worried about what would happen. I eventually made it to the office, pushed open the door, and walked up to the receptionist there.

“Hi, I was called here?” I said, worried. “I don’t know if I’m in trouble or anything.”

“What’s your name?” she asked. “We’ll figure it out, don’t worry. I’m sure it’s nothing too bad”

“Katie Lee,” I said, concerned. It still felt a little embarrassing to introduce myself by a girl’s name, but I got quite used to it by this point. Not to mention, it was a pretty cute name.

“Oh, enter the office over there,” she said, pointing straight at Aunt Catherine’s office. “You’re not in trouble, she just wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh, good, thanks,” I said. I slowly pushed open my aunt’s door, staring awkwardly at her looking at her computer. “Hi.”

“Hi, Katie, just who I was looking for,” Aunt Catherine said, smiling. “How are you?”

I closed the door behind me as I stepped into the office. “I’m doing well, thanks.”

“Good, good,” she said. She clicked at her computer for a few seconds, finishing up what she was doing before speaking again. “I just wanted to check up on you since you just about finished your first week here. Happy Friday, by the way.”

“Thanks, I’m looking forward to the weekend,” I said, grinning. The first week of school wasn’t bad, but it was certainly exhausting and two days off from everything would be nice. “Things have been well, I’ve made some friends and I’ve been doing decent in my classes.”

“Well, you were always smart,” Aunt Catherine said. “You have mostly Bs right now, which doesn’t mean much since it’s only your first week, but it’s a good sign that you’re adjusting just fine.”

“Yeah, the coursework isn’t too hard,” I expressed, shaking my head. I would be doing better if I wasn’t lazy.

“Now, the real reason I called you here,” she spoke, sounding kind of ominous. “How have you been adjusting to being a girl? Has it been okay?”

“Yeah, it’s been just fine, why?” I asked, staring around the room as I thought. “I’ve been adjusting well, I’m still not a fan of the situation, but it has to be done.”

“Well, you know, a cisgender boy like you doing this is bound to cause some gender dysphoria, so I was worried,” she said, propping her head up on an arm. “Have you been feeling that at all? Feeling uncomfortable when being referred to as a girl.”

“Is that what gender dysphoria is?” I asked, a confused look on my face. I’ve heard of the term a few times but never looked into it at all.

“Yes, gender dysphoria is a general discomfort with your body and situation since there’s a disconnect between who you are in your mind and what your body is. I’m just wondering if you’ve been feeling any of that.”

“No, not at all,” I said, thinking of all the times I’ve been called Katie. I wondered why she knew all this, I supposed working at a school in California required some knowledge of trans people. “It can be a little embarrassing but it doesn’t feel bad. If anything it feels a little more natural to me.”

“Okay, I see,” she said, sounding concerned for me. She frowned, some wrinkles running through her forehead. “Well, I can’t keep you held up for too long, so go back to class now.”

“Okay,” I said, wondering why she looked so concerned. “Thanks, Aunt Catherine.”

“Of course,” she responded, smiling.