Book 1, Chapter 18, Unbeatable and Foolproof Defence, unless you're a First Year...

The following weeks brought forward the year's exams. 

It was HELLISH ! ! !

Don't get me wrong, I studied enough to get a full and perfect score on them. I also established some mock exams based on past years' ones for the girls, (thank you network, I got it for two boxes of sweets from a meticulous seventh year Hufflepuff). 

What did I do for myself ? Well, I gave the group a rule, whoever could find and ask a question I couldn't answer would win something from me. They grilled me all along for hours. I lost three times. I'm NOT counting the trolls questions, NOBODY understood them. Not even each other...

No, my problem were the trolls themselves. Or like I named it : How to train and educate numbnuts. 

I wanted them to pass in the following year. Not that I liked their company but they are like an infection. Better to keep it under watch or it could turn nasty.

Like with the trio for example.

Preparation for our exams were done in the library or our common room, one of which gave us an opportunity to run across other students. Including three very pissed off first years. 

Can I get an Oscar for that one ? Category Best Bully. No ? Come on, I even showed them my special smug face every time they looked at me.

They really wanted to argue about it but found themselves in the same situation as canon-Draco when he read Harry's interview about Voldy's comeback in the Quibbler in HP5.

Can't talk about it without admitting they have an invisibility cloak. Which I presume Hermione must have been the one to explain to the other two, was a bad idea. 

Don't worry pal. I won't borrow it anymore. 

Oh, you want to know the problem about the trolls ? 

First, their very existence. 

Second, they wanted to try and mess with the trio's exams DURING the exams, after we've all been warned by professor Snape in person not to do anything funny. 

I mean, he was like a new version of Gary Oldman in the 5th Element movie (I only like the movie, not the one who made it), threatening us that he would be really disappointed if a Slytherin was caught cheating or disturbing the exams. And that we really didn't want to make him disappointed. 

Even I got shivers from that. 

I'm telling you, I know oysters with a better survival instinct than this two. 

Do you want to know what it was like to teach them ? 

Imagine having two T-Rex. Good at hunting, freaking frightening, tall, heavy. 

Now, imagine having to teach them : 

- Swimming.

- Synchronized swimming.

- Ballet.

- Push-ups.

- Rock-climbing.

- Chess.

- Glass-blowing.

Or every single activity Darwin would tell you they're physiologically not adapted to. 

I'm asking myself what they use their heads for. 

They remind me of the whole group of idiot cousins ramming in each other while wearing pots in the Simpsons... 

Teaching them had only one positive effect on me. I couldn't be taken by surprise by a question. 

You know that weird friend who ask you a weird question you normally know the answer, but the way the question is asked makes you doubt yourself. That was every single question from them at some point. So, now I'm pretty much immune. 

MERLIN'S PANTS ! 

I found them a third use ! I must contact the press to announce it. (First is meat-shield, second bodyguard).

Thankfully history of magic was the last of the exam we had to pass. Now we just had to wait for the official results. 

I was on my way back from sleeping on the seventh floor. (Yeah I fall asleep for once and found myself in a nice bed courtesy of the room, sue me. I don't have the possibility to fact-check and browse the books).

That's when I saw the trio heading to the third floor. 

What do you mean they're wearing the cape ? I don't care. 

More precisely, my map doesn't care as it has the same features as the original one. Plus some updates. Thank you Marauders. 

Quirrel wasn't visible anymore, the extension the professors made for the stone wasn't shown on the map. (Unplottable just like the room of requirement and other secret vaults).

One little thing I never understood.

Voldemort had no problem killing, was it in single or mass murders. 

Why didn't he kill Fluffy? 

Fear of the Magic Society for the prevention of cruelty to animals ? 

Tell it to everyone chaps, wizards fear deatheaters and Voldemort, deatheaters fear Voldemort, and Voldemort fear the SPCA. (And of course everyone want to kill Ombrage but that's a given). 

Oh yeah, don't start with the weird thing from Hagrid. Passing Fluffy was according to him, the only thing Quirrel didn't know how to. But he apparently knew how to pass the rest of the traps and defences, which were placed AFTER, his own defence system. 

So, first thing first, I sent a message with my watch to professor Dumbledore. Not sure when he will be able to see it but better now than never. 

I then rushed to the third floor, only pausing when I could find a deserted corridor to put my invisibility cloak on.

Why do you think I used that crook Mondingus for ? 

So, as I arrived in front of it's door, I could hear Fluffy scratching on the wooden floor. 

Not wanting to die by mauling, I pulled out my anti-Fluffy plan. 

Activating my artefact (wooden music box set on repeat), and entered (Alohomora), to find a drowsy three and a half tall three headed cerberus. 

Or also known in Hagrid's vocabulary as : A cute puppy. 

I let the enchanted music box on the floor, it would play for some hours, then went to the trapdoor. 

I dived feet first in the hole, landing on professor Sprout's gift then called, guess what ? 

- Lumos. 

Then what ?

The devilsnare retracted itself and let me go just like that. You didn't even need to burn the plant, yourself or the room...

(Another way would be to call a Uber-house-elf).

Third task, there was the flying keys. 

Who among you believe him/herself to be able to catch it ? Without a game controller ? And no cheatcodes of course.

I will let you think about it while I make a net fly across the room. Why try to catch a particular fish in a whole shoal ? Just use a trawl... 

Cheating ? 

Hm.

Ok.

First, I'm a Slytherin.

I work smarter not harder. 

Second. It's a fracking (hi Kate Sackhoff) war. If you're not cheating, then you're not trying hard enough. 

I arrived at professor McGonagall's giant chessboard, just in time to see Ron explain the principle of sacrifice to the others. 

I tried to think of a way to help him, (I swear I really tried. Nobody would see it, I'm not required to let him get smashed down), but I wasn't fast enough and could only see him fall to the ground. 

Approaching, I checked on him while Harry almost got squashed down flat by the crown the king dropped. 

That's the closest the dude got to dieing and it's with a fracking statue. 

I'm giving you a T on your homework, Voldemort. You deserve it. 

Thankfully, Ron was fine, even if you could see the start of a bump developing on the right side of his head. 

Checking my watch, I was happy to notice a message from the headmaster telling me he was heading back to school. He also told me professor Snape wouldn't provide any help for now. I perfectly understood why. 

Same reason he didn't rush to the department of mysteries. 

Yep. 

So, I'm on my own trying to be stealthy following this two in Quirrel's room. I sent an update on the situation while walking through the room. (The smell didn't bother me that much. I went to summer camp in my youth. Some kids wouldn't let their smelly socks or clothes outside of the tent). 

I let them examine the poor troll and slipped in the next room. 

I had just the time to gulp some of the potion, before they came in. 

🥶, Brrr. Can we use it in the summer ? On the outside, I mean. It would make a killing in the desert countries. 

I saw the two of them come in at last and Hermione proved Harry had to be walked through everything like a proper fantasy hero... 

She then gave him her speech about a hero etc.

Woman, you outshine every other girl in the saga. Molly Weasley only came in second for killing my crazy aunt.

Walking through the fire after him, I knew what we were about to face, and my only thought was that : 

---

YouTube will get you killed someday.

Crazy right ? 

What if the moment I thought about Voldemort in front of the Erised mirror I remembered that fun video on YouTube, where :

- Harry would see himself snogging Hermione, then killing Ron and marry Hermione, then burning Ron's picture and still kissing Hermione. 

- Hermione would see herself snogging, getting together and having a child just like his father : Voldemort.

- Ron would keep seeing himself as a ballet dancer or something like that then in a boy's-band.

- Voldy would have a nose and hair as smooth as my father. Still blond. 

Try not laughing when you see it because you're invisible and in a deadly situation. 

To bad I couldn't use a camera right now. The look on Harry's face when he finally uncovered the hard and incredible truth. I would pay gallions against sickles for that picture.

Do you really want a run down of the next part ?

Bigbadguy 101, revelation speech. 

He's full of himself, he's the best, everyone else is stupid, he fooled everyone. Blablabla.

Now he's looking at the mirror. 

Oh, no !

Big-morron can't tell how to get the stone... 

Remind me of how fans of Indiana Jones got pissed when explanations said that without Indy, the Nazis would not have gotten even close to the Ark... 

Ring a bell about a red shiney stone ? 

Ok, Quirrel went bondage mode on Harry and now He's trying to ask him where the stone is. 

- He lies said the turban, "He lies". 

- Potter, come back here, tell me the truth! What did you just see ?

Dude, do you really expect the guy to tell you the truth ?

I was rolling my eyes out right at him now.

Come on, move it, hurry-up. 

Some of us have a life besides trying to kill a kid.

Did you know nobody ever bothered to tell me Mozart was a wizard ? Why do you think one of his pieces was titled the Enchanting flute ? 

Yeah, he pissed off the German and Italian ministries of magic too. 

Oh, Tom got his nose stollen in this version. 

(Think there's something to do here)

And there he goes, insulting his parents. Perfect negotiation technique. Did you try giving him sweets ? 

A scuffle erupted when Qui-Vol tried to launch a killing spell (I was ready to attack him too), on Harry. Only for him to grab the teacher's face and deep-fry it. 

I used the diversion to perform a slight exchange for safety, without losing my aim on him.

It wasn't visible at first, but the more he touched or got touched by Harry, the more blisters erupted on his skin. 

Our young hero had one of his brightest moments right then.

While he was visibly suffering.

It didn't stop him from wrestling his foe and trying to literally climb on the DADA teacher.

Among their shrieks, you could hear Voldemort's screams of "Kill Him ! Kill Him !"

Ok, the bully in me just saw him in a cheerleader outfit with pom-poms.

It was then that I saw the headmaster rush in the room.

Try to imagine yourself on a twelve feet wooden boat and Godzilla rushing toward you.

That was the last straw for Voldemort, as he detached himself from his puppet.

I say detached, but it was more like ripping the poor guy's skin and I latter learned, soul apart.

This show was sickening and almost make me hurl everything in my stomach.

Now I know why it could go on screen in the movie. Straight PG-16.

I will never be able to forget what I saw then.

Poor Quirrel-dying-vessel was left to rot and decay.

Professor Dumbledore was kneeling above Harry, checking his vitals.

He was apparently out for good, but alive.

Professor Snape came in at that time, tacking but a moment to figure out what happened here.

- Draco.

Professor Dumbledore called me, looking in my direction, while professor Snape looked everywhere for me.

- I'm here professor, tacking the cloak of at last, my answer was for professor Snape and grabbed his attention.

My house director checked me from head to toes twice before nodding his assent.

Professor Dumbledore took hold of Harry, carrying him like an infant. It downed my at that time that he really was small for his age. The boy who live, burdened with the future of the world.