Mara had left, and no one was coming to replace her. I was alone and in the dark. Even if I took the bandages off of my eyes there was no guarantee I would be able to see anything. As I lay in bed I began to feel tears slowly drip out from underneath the bandages and run down my cheek. Because I was alone it was ok to cry, but it was only because I was alone that I was crying.

My fever returned, and with a pounding headache and heavy breathing, I lost consciousness.

…

Everything blurred around me as I opened my eyes, suddenly able to see vivid images of Mara walking through the front door of the house. The snow was coming down heavily, but she still only wore her usual clothes, unfazed by it.

I followed her inside, my perspective shifting, drifting through the walls like a ghost to see my father. He was standing firmly planted in the hall with a stern look on his face. For a moment, everything came into clear vision.

Mara paused, taking off her cloak and looking him directly in the eyes. “She is too weak to be a part of this family.” Her tone was calm, calculating, and ruthless. It couldn't belong to anyone other than her. It was unmistakable. 

A sense of unease crept over me as I began to feel a strange sense of deja vu. I looked around the room, I couldn't explain it, but I had been in that exact situation before. Then it hit me. I was reliving a memory from my past.

As I blinked my perspective shifted again. Suddenly I was in the other room, staring at a closed door. I was an infant. My body was too underdeveloped to talk, much less crawl, or make any independent effort for survival. I was helpless.

I heard my father's voice coming from the other side of the door. “She is our daughter... no matter what else she is, she is that first.” Fragmented memories that I had almost forgotten welded themselves back together and began to appear before me.

“You cannot abandon tradition and bring shame to this family. The council would take away this land, and even our children would be taken away and raised by the Guardians. At best they would be forced to enlist at the lowest ranks, having to bear the shame that you fathered and raised a frail child.”

‘From the moment I was born that was how our relationship was. I was never her daughter. I was his child…’

“It's still too early to tell, there is still hope that she will grow stronger... At least, it's possible.” I could hear the doubt in my father's voice, as if he knew deep down how it would turn out.

“She's failed every test, She is underweight and small; her skin is easily agitated and she gets sick too much and too often. Even on a day like today with only a small chill in the air, she is probably sniffling.”

The door flung open and my father stormed the room. He quickly checked my temperature and wrapped me up in the cloak he had worn over his shoulder. 

“See” She scolded him further, maintaining a proud stance. “She is too weak.” 

“She can grow stronger.” He said slowly, I could see worry cover his face. 

She walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “This is what must be done. We have to leave her in the past and forget about her, she should be left to the elements.” 

It was then that I realized she wanted my life to end, they weren't just talking about abandoning me, or sending me off to an orphanage, it was murder, that would be their method of getting rid of me.

Suddenly the memory came into full perspective and I realized what exactly it was that I was reliving. ‘This was the time… That Mara tried to kill me.’ It was a memory I had tried to block from my mind, one that I had forgotten the details of, remembering only the event itself taking place, nothing more. It was something I thought would be better to pretend didn't happen.

She didn’t even glance at me. Unashamed of her plans and not even willing to acknowledge my presence. As I stretched my arms out and embraced my father's warmth. He looked down at me with sadness in his eyes.

She planned to have me killed... embarrassed to have given birth to such a weak child, and fearful for the shame I would bring to the family. She would have rather had me murdered then and there. It seemed that pawning me off to someone of lower class was not in the question either.

 It hurt a lot more than I thought to not be wanted by her, especially for something I couldn’t control. But it was the look in my father's eyes that truly scared me. I wasn't sure if it was simply a look of pity, or if he was about to say goodbye.

Despite having just been threatened with death, I somehow felt a sense of relief wash over me as my father's eyes filled with confidence and compassion once again. “You are my wife Mara... And while I have let you do as you wish in raising the other children without question, I will not let you murder an innocent child, much less my own flesh and blood.” 

“She is my daughter too, but-” I was almost shocked as my memories pierced themselves back together. ‘She actually did claim me as her own…’  

Time stopped still and my thoughts along with it. I wasn't sure how I felt. All I remembered was how the events unfolded, nothing about how. I had thought for the longest time that she didn't even see me as human, much less her own, I was more like her husband's pet that she had to put up with and take care of. That was how I thought she saw me… 

To hear her say I was her daughter made me feel an unexplainable mix of emotions. Anger, rage, sadness, joy. I felt all of them at once, making my chest tighten. My hands clenched over my heart as I struggled to breathe unsure of what to do.

Eventually, everything I was feeling fizzled out, leaving nothing but the question of why. Why would she try to kill me, if she really saw me as her own daughter? ‘I guess that's just the kind of person she is…’