The whole outpost was sleeping, except me. How could I? Someone just had betrayed me, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Right now.
I sneaked to the XW squad's dorm. XW02 and XW15 were both there, but XX30 wasn't. Good, I hoped she wouldn't witness what was about to unfold.
XW02 woke up as I walked past her bed. She looked terrified, but I ignored her. My instincts told me she wouldn't have said anything: she was way too shy and had always been kind to me. She wasn't the type to go out of her way to harm someone.
Instead, I went straight to XW15. She told so much shit about me to XX30 behind my back that it had to be her. She was in a fetal position, facing the wall, asleep. I clenched my fists and took a deep breath. A part of me wanted to hurt her physically. But what if she was innocent? What would happen afterward? The General would throw me in jail, XX30 would hate me forever, and I would have ignored all the wisdom KS12 taught me. I still had to confront her, though.
I touched XW15's shoulder to wake her up. She took a few seconds to emerge but was startled as she saw me towering over her.
"XX01? What are you doing? You're not allowed to be here!" she said, fear in her voice.
I wasn't there to waste time. "What did you tell General HP07?" I asked with a determined voice. I could see in my peripheral vision that XW02 sat up in her bed, holding her sheets up to her nose to hide herself while still witnessing the scene.
"I don't have to tell you anything! Leave, now!"
"What did you tell the General?" I repeated. "I know you snitched. No need to deny it."
"Fine, then leave, or I'll tell him about that too!"
"So you did snitch!" I exclaimed, letting my anger explode. "You fucking-" I said, hitting the wall with my fist. I didn't finish my sentence and calmed down a bit. "Why?"
"Why?" she scoffed. "Because you're an asshole, that's why!"
I chuckled. "I don't understand. I've never done anything wrong to you!"
"Not yet! Can't you see your behavior is destructive? It can only cause trouble, nothing else!"
"Why do you care if I get in trouble? It's my problem!"
"No, it's not! You're the worst of both worlds! Do you remember KS12 said men are wild? Well, men are caged! You're just as wild and dangerous as them, but you're uncaged and infiltrated the safest spaces of women! Look at you right now! You're not behaving like a proper carer, and it will eventually bring trouble to us all. Either directly via your violent behaviors or indirectly via the General and new rules to keep you in line!"
"Can't you see I'm trying to fight the injustices that apply to all women! If the General makes up new rules, it's his fault! Not mine!" I protested.
"Do you think you're helping women's cause by provoking everyone and acting tough? Have you ever done anything that helps anyone else but you? Besides, no woman will ever feel safe when you're around with your attitude. You're scaring everyone, and I bet that on this path, you will eventually hurt women like any man would. You're hurting women more than helping them."
"You mean I'm scaring you! That's why you snitched!"
"Oh, no! You don't scare me as much as you think! Not as long as the General is around. I told him what you did, I'm not ashamed of it! But I didn't tell him to hurt you or for my pleasure. I did it for XX30. You have a bad influence on her, don't treat her well enough, consider her as granted, and will only cause her pain and trouble! I warned her, but I could tell she would return to you eventually. So when I saw she did, I warned the General, hoping he would stop her before you two do something you'll both regret!"
I sighed. "Then you've been too late..."
"Why? What happened?" she asked.
I hesitated. "General HP07 caught me taking XX30's virginity, and he fucked us both as punishment."
XW15 remained silent. I wished I had a better view of her, the dim lighting not allowing me to catch her facial expressions.
I closed my eyes and remembered KS12's comments on humility and choosing my fights. "Anything else?" I asked.
"Do you care for XX30?"
"Of course I do!"
"Do you realize you engaged in sex with her without asking her consent, putting her in insane danger? Does that sound like something you do to someone you care about? And on top of that, you deemed it appropriate to require her to please you! Do you really think you're a man, or what?"
"She came to me tonight!" I tried to defend myself.
"Yes, but you're exploiting her feelings to your advantage instead of sincerely caring for her! If you did, you'd do anything to keep her safe, not to satisfy your sexual perversions!"
I sighed, accepting defeat. Humility, I thought. It was hard but necessary. "You're right," I said. "I'm sorry, and I'll apologize to XX30 as well if she can forgive me. I do care about her. I care about you as well. Sorry for waking you up and scaring you."
XW15 sat up as well, better revealing her face. "Wait! What really happened?" she asked, concerned.
"What I just said: we got fucked, and I got a serious warning. Don't worry, Thirty loved it and will have much to tell you, I'm sure. But the General came inside me."
"Oh shit!" she gasped. "You're pregnant? Listen, I'm sorry, I didn't think-"
"No," I interrupted her. "As I just said, I'm sorry. That's on me."
"You're not mad at me?"
"Of course, I was mad at you!" I looked down, then back at her. "It's not easy, but someone told me I need to learn to be devoted to the whole outpost as I'm devoted to my squadron. That's what I'll try to do..."
"So, you forgive me?" I nodded, XW15 peeled her eyes and grabbed my hand. She sighed as well. "Maybe I have misjudged you."
"On the contrary, you judged me very accurately. But I'm trying to evolve, partly thanks to you. No promises, though..."
XW15 stood up and hugged me. She was completely naked, and her warmth felt good. I didn't hesitate and held her back against me.
"KS12 said I should start to count on my fellow carers. Can we work towards that?" I asked.
XW15 walked back and nodded at me.
"Now, if you don't mind, I must apologize to XX30..."
"Wait!" said XW15. "When I went to the General's office, I heard a report about XX and XW squadrons. I've got good and bad news. Which one do you want first?"
"The good one!" I eagerly requested.
"They are on their way back and should arrive soon. I don't know when exactly. Maybe there's hope for you to get a sterility shot in time? But I also heard someone didn't make it..."
My heart sank. "Didn't make it? As in..."
"Dead, yes..."
"Who?" I asked.
"I don't know, they didn't say. A trainee, that's all I know. Will you tell X30, or should I?"
"Damn... I will," I said, heading to the dorm's door. "XW15?" I added. "Thanks for putting some sense back in me. But can I ask you something?"
"Sure," she said.
"Next time you feel it's necessary, no need to get to the General. You can tell me directly."
"Will do," she said. "Can I ask something as well? Do you think KS12 is strong?"
I took a second to think. "Yes, I guess? What's your point?"
"How muscular is she, though? My point is that I get it: you grew like a man and think it made you strong. That was easy, and that's not what being strong is. You've mistaken strength with the ability to dominate others. Real strength comes from inside: from courage and resilience. Your capacity to take in and recover from anything. You don't have to act like a man for that."
I nodded at her. "Thanks, I'll think about it," I said, leaving their dorm.
Getting back to ours was scary. When I saw XX30 was already asleep, I realized I wasn't strong and brave enough to face her for now. I decided not to wake her and went to bed, hoping things would get easier tomorrow. If I was in luck, the squad might return with sterility shots, and XX02 could give me the comfort and support I direly needed.
Good lessons that needed to be learned.