"Tsubaki-dono... where are we going?"

It was Ayame who finally, if a little timidly, asked this question. Eitsu had, uncharacteristically, been silently following after the dancer.

Well, she was a kaibyou. So long as she didn't die this time, she had all the time in the world.

Tsubaki was a human. She did not.

They had walked for another day, heading west, always west. Barely a word had been exchanged between them, with the most common sound accompanying them being their own footsteps.

The landscape changed. The limestone cliffs softened down to low hills, and travellers passed them both ways on the broad road, occasionally calling out and asking if they needed a lift. Tsubaki always shook her head. 

She was slowing down now, clearly tired and foot-sore, but continuing to plod doggedly on. Ayame was almost in tears. "Please, Tsubaki-dono."

"Go home, Ayame-san."

"No, I wont. You've got to stop, Tsubaki-dono. Eitsu-dono, please make her stop."

Eitsu shook her head, and instead crouched down. "Looks like your feet are bleeding, Ayame-chan. I'll carry you on my back, come on."

Ayame began to tearfully climb onto Eitsu's back, but they realised Tsubaki had stopped. She sat down suddenly by the side of the road.

"Tsubaki-dono?"

"We'll rest here." She lay down and rolled over, her back to them. Damp patches stained her clothing. Ayame hobbled over and tried to offer a folded shawl as a pillow, but Tsubaki kept her eyes firmly shut. Miserably, the little girl lay down next to the dancer as close as she dared, and closed her eyes too.

Eitsu opened her box.

It didn't get easier, no matter how many times she saw them. Gritting her teeth, she set aside the first fur, gleaming gold, and picked up the second. This one was ginger, with stripes across the head and back. She was about to begin her reminiscence of her second life when a thought struck her. She reached into the box again.

The third pelt - soft fawn, spotted.

The fourth - feathery and grey.

Fifth - marbled tortoiseshell.

Sixth - auspiciously tri-coloured, calico.

She lifted the seventh from the box, feeling sick, and examined the snowy white fur. Drawing a steadying breath, she went to put the furs back.

There was one fur left in the box.

She hadn't seen it, dark brown and blending with the box wood.

She hadn't seen it under the much larger white pelt.

She pushed the box away like she had been confronted by a venomous spider, and vomited into the bushes.

The pelt was scarcely bigger than her human hand.

She retched and trembled, drooling uncontrollably. Her clothes pooled around her as she retreated into her cat form. 

Run run run run

Tsubaki shifted slightly in her sleep.

She can't see this.

Suddenly and inexplicably, the most urgent thought in Eitsu's head was to hide the pelts. Transforming hastily back into human form, she seized the furs and packed them rapidly back into the box, making sure that the kitten pelt was well hidden below the others. Only the second pelt remained in her hand.

I have to know.

What happened to me?

What did Rei do?

Who were you to me, Tsubaki?

She stared for a long time at the two sleeping humans beside her. Then, with the lightness of a cat, she spread the shawl that Ayame had brought over the two of them, and slipped a little further into the tree cover.

*

The ginger cat was born in the height of summer.

Usually cats with orange fur are male, but occasionally, about one in five will be female.

Her place of birth was a seaside town, the sun rising over the water and setting over the land, with winding streets to run through, fish to be given by the fisherpeople (or to steal), golden sand beaches to trot along. The days passed in a warm haze. It was a summer where the local said, "We've never seen so many butterflies before."

A human kid arrived in the village one day.

They were scrawny and dressed in old clothing, but worked well, and so the fisherpeople took to this kid from the countryside, and slowly their lost their strained and starved look, although the awkwardness of teenagehood still persistently clung to them.

The fisherpeople called the child Hijiki (1) because of their now healthy hair, and because of their previous skinniness, and Hijiki in turn named all the local cats.

Sweet and childish appellations - Momo(2), Sora(3), Kai(4), Tora(5), Tama(6) - and when Hijiki reached the orange kitten, the naïve name 'Daidai' was bestowed.

Daidai had a name.

She followed Hijiki everywhere, begging for fish, for pats, sitting on the child's shoulders, trotting behind, curling up by their head at night. For half a year, they carried out this routine.

I am Eitsu. The thought grew stronger and stronger by the day.

Hijiki's dark eyes were drawn more and more to the ginger kitten. Daidai would catch the child staring intently at her, at times, soft eyebrows furrowed,  hands stilled over whatever task was being done. Daidai would purr and but her head against those hands, the Hijiki would jump and hastily go back to work.

They were together every day, sheltering from the rain together, staying warm together, comforting each other.

I am Eitsu.

They were together inn the height of summer, a year after the kitten Daidai was born, when she stretched, transformed, became a small human with gingery-brown hair and blue eyes like the sea, and crouching over the startled Hijiki, announced, "Eitsu. My name is Eitsu!"

She couldn't understand why Hijiki cried.

*

"You shouldn't change into a human so much, Daidai."

"My name's Eitsu! Why not?"

"People will get scared."

"You're not scared."

"I am," Hijiki said, soft, soft, but Eitsu's sharp ears heard it and she pounced on the teenager and bit mischievously. 

"Eitsu!"

"So you do know my name!"

They wrestled about.

"Get off."

"Why? I'm having fun! Aren't you having fun? Your heart is beating so fast!"

"Ugh..."

Eitsu, seated victoriously on top, cocked her head curiously. "Hm?"

"At... least put some clothes on - No, change back!"

"I can't talk to you if I do that."

"I don't care!"

Eitsu transformed back into her cat-self and stalked away, disappearing for a day in a sulk. You don't care if I can't talk to you? Fine! I won't!

Alone, hiding from Hijiki's increasingly frequently calls for her, she practiced forcing human words from her throat until nightfall, then trotted to the hut where Hijiki lived, pleased and ready to surprise her human friend with her new skill.

Hijiki lay on the floor, howling and sobbing.

"Hi... hi... ki?"

The cries stopped abruptly. The teenager sat up.

"I iiii... iii... Su... risse?" The plosive sounds were impossible to make.

Hijiki snatched Eitsu up, so strong she couldn't breathe. She forcefully made space by transforming.

"Hijiki?"

"I thought you were gone!" Hijiki cried, shaking. "Please, don't ever leave me again! Please... Please... Eitsu-sama..."

Eitsu washed away Hijiki's tears, the licks slowly changing into something else, something she had seen the adults in the village do, something that felt right. She kissed Hijiki's eyelids, cheeks, mouth.

For the second time that night, Hijiki was shocked into silence.

"Good?"

"What... what are you doing?"

"I'm not sure what it's called, but it feels good."

"Eitsu-sama, how can I even dare - "

"What do you mean?" Eitsu kissed Hijiki again. And again. And slowly but surely, Hijiki responded. They lay down together amongst Hijiki's unused bedclothes, touching, testing. The strange joy that Eitsu felt, waking the next morning in human form, with Hijiki in her arms, made her feel like she could have died happy right there and then.

All throughout the summer they stayed together, filling the warm days with secret looks and laughter, gentle kisses, naps in the sun. Hijiki would complain about the salt air and the heat, Eitsu would say they should leave and travel.

"We could become famous! You dance really well, and I can do acrobatics. Let's become a troupe that everyone knows!"

Sometimes at night, she would sit on the roof in her cat form and feel like she had forgotten something. With the stars in her eyes, Eitsu would get an inexplicable urge to call out to them, like she knew them, like they knew her. Hijiki said nothing of these night time caterwauls.

Summer ends, autumn comes.

Eitsu began to grow lethargic, and thin.

A continual fever kept her hot and shivering, her gums grew inflamed and her skin scaly and red. She was not the only one; many cats around the village began to succumb to the same disease.

Hijiki spent hours tending to her, desperate, but no one knew what to do. Even with Hijiki throwing caution to the wind and bringing Eitsu, in human form, to a doctor, there was no answer. No one knew how to treat the disease in the cats, how could they treat a cat disease in a human?

Hijiki bought all of the fever reducers, the skin ointments, and the medicinal teas that a helper in a fishing village could afford, and brought Eitsu home, and waited.

And told Eitsu about her previous life.

Eitsu smiled faintly as her memories stirred. The little shrine, the busy town, the scrawny brat flowed back into her mind.

"Tsubaki-chan..."

"Eitsu-sama." Tsubaki bowed to the ground. A hot hand patted feebly at her. 

"Not that... hold me a little?" She let herself flow back into her cat form, and Tsubaki carefully held her close.

"How did you find me?"

"The butterflies brought me (2)."

"Ah.. of... course. Isn't it funny, Tsu-bo(3)? A kami brought down by disease twice. Ha... Ha..."

"It's not funny."

"Do you think the butterflies will lead you to me again?"

"You won't die!"

"At least you can leave the seaside now. You never did like the heat, did you... Tsubaki-chan."

"I'll find you. I'll find you again!"

"Tell me everything as soon as we meet. I'll believe you. Don't hide it."

"Okay..."

"Promise me."

"Promise."

The cat Daidai died a few days later.

*

Eitsu opened her eyes. The ginger pelt in her hands felt very heavy. In spite of the faint divine sheen on each hair, the fur was thin, and worn through in patches. 

She poked her head out from her hiding place. Ayame and Tsubaki were cuddled together, asleep, both breathing easily under the shawl. Come to think of it, she hadn't know back then whether Tsubaki was a boy or a girl, and the concept hadn't really mattered to her.

Well, I guess it still doesn't matter.

She put Daidai's pelt aside, with her first golden fur, and examined the third. It was the small fawn one, the life she had dreamed of in the wealthy man's house as his daughter's pet.

Still, she didn't touch it, yet, only frowned.

In her second life, she and Tsubaki had been very close. If anything, she could say they were probably in love, even if it was an innocent, child's love. What had happened between that time and now? Why had Tsubaki changed from that sweet child to the cold woman who acted they had no past?

Who was it that hurt you?

Was it... me?

She thought of her dream fragments, thought of the person who tried to push her away, thought of the freezing cold snow, thought of the prison cell.

Suddenly, Eitsu didn't want to keep looking. She wanted to drown in the sweetness of that summer of butterflies and pretend everything was okay.

Eitsubyou no Mikoto, Omanekineko, are you such a coward?

Yes.

But I think... Somehow, I think, more than my fear, I think I may have, may still, love Tsubaki more.

She blew air abruptly from her nose, and reached for the third pelt.

---

Notes:

(1) 鹿尾菜 (hijiki) - the seaweed Sargassum fusiforme, believed to give people thick, dark hair.

(2) In Japanese legends, white butterflies are supposed to appear when a person's true love is around.

(3) 坊 (-bo) - a suffix of endearment, usually used for young boys.