PAST 

It was a rainy night. The both of us were locked in my room while I stare out the window wishing deeply that rain would fall over me and wash me like brand new. I wished that everything didn't happen, but it seemed useless to me to even think that. Eu could not simply erase Alex from me as other soulmates do. We promise each other that we wouldn't reach this level, that we were better than that. So, why did I feel that that was inevitable?

"I can't." I murmured, "I have nothing to say to you." 

"Noah... I did not want to go that way, but—"

"But what?" I yelled, getting mad at his lack of honesty, "You always hide things from me, don't give me reasons to trust you. And now, you were going to leave without saying anything? What kind of relationship do you think we have, Alex?"

He stared at me, a bit shocked. His plumpy lips were parted, searching for air and comprehension. Which was ridiculous, because, if he ever really knew me, he would know exactly what to say for this situation to get better. But, hen ever even bother.

"I love you." He said, getting all wrong once again.

 I love you is not an apology. It was selfish and possessive, and the focus is more on the "I' than "you". I, I, I, it seemed that everything that had to do with him was like that.

"Shut up, I don't want to hear about that now." I wiped away more tears with the help of my black sweater. Rain was so strong, that I thought it was raining hail from the sky, "You lied to me, you lied one more time, and you are lying again. When are you ever saying something to me that isn't a lie? Do you realize how much it hurts me to know absolutely nothing about your life, and to have to hear from others that you joined the army without even telling me? I feel like I don't even know who you are, Alex. I fell in love with a ghost.

"Please, don't say that, babe."

His eyes were begging me for something that I didn't know if I could give to him: comprehension. It's been a long time since we were in this dance, and the things between us had changed drastically. I did not recognize my own another half anymore.

"I hate you for hiding things from me. You don't love me, and just want someone to deal with all of your shits while you don't have the guts to do that yourself. You never listen. I have to yell every time I want to reach you. It's fucking exhausting!!

"But I'm right here, damnit, what else do you want from me?"

He shouts at me, staring with his mad spirit vibrating dark energy. I could feel that, the anger. It was all over me too.

"You! I want you, damn it! I want you and not your wall. Alex, I can't get to know anything about your feelings for us. You do not say what you think about our future, don't tell me your hopes for me. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired to foretell everything because you simply left me alone in the dark.

He denied it like I was being absurd. 

"You acting crazy."

"No, I'm not. Your problem with booze was kept secret for months. The first time that I heard about it, it was because you were lying in a fucking hospital! You said you were with money issues and asked for help from an ex. Do you realize how much it hurt me to realize you don't trust me enough to share your life with me? It seems like I'm a ghost in your life when I'm literally your only other half in the entire world."

He cried. The first tear was waiting to jump from his eyes, just like the bullet words he was about to shoot at me.

"I just don't want to get you involved in my shit, Noah, damnit! Don't you understand? I want to give you only my best. Don't you think that I get sad to know my other half is better than me? I'd rather we were two fucked up guys, and maybe this was all a lot easier to cope with."

Tears fell from my eyes with those words. I suddenly understood everything he wanted, which did not involve me. He wanted someone he could identify with. I just wasn't that someone anymore.

"So, that's it, isn't it? You want someone different. Someone I'm not."

He denied, passionately. He stood up from the bed he was sitting on, the bed where we once consumed ourselves in a love so pure, this mess would never be able to touch it. As he walked towards me, I could feel. I could feel his despair reaching for me. He ran his hand through his hair, nervously.

"This is fucking frustrating."

"And you don't think that I know that?"

"No! You don't, Noah! You have no fucking idea because I'm screaming for hours in your ears that I love you, but you insist to get dirty in my fucking mess. Fuck it, Noah! I'd rather die before you see that side of me.

"You just made your choice, then." I say, crossing my arms as I stare, "We're done. You can leave by the door, and chase someone that deserves your trust."

He looks at me as if I just shot him. And, maybe, I did. Maybe I was happy with that reaction. Maybe I wanted to see him bleeding for me, at least one time. 

"Noah, please. This is not what this is about and you are not thinking straight."

"No, you are wrong. This is the very first time I ever see things so clearly since I met you. Go away. I do not want to see your face ever again."

"Babe, please. Please, don't say that to me."

I denied, holding every beat o my heart that I didn't want to share with him anymore.

"I want to fragment you from me. I don't want all of this intensity anymore. I want to feel like I deserve the love and trust o whoever is by my side. I certainly do not want a compulsive liar."

He walked towards me, willing to touch my skin, but I did not let that happen. I did not want his touch that very moment, it would be too much for me to deal with. I wanted him to be the farthest possible. I didn't want the hurt anymore.

"Don't do this to us, Noah. Please, please, try to understand. I love you so much, I'm crazy for you..." he started to cry between his words, but still kept his distance, "Noah, I'm so sorry for being so fucked up. I want to get better for you. I want to be someone you deserve, your good heart..."

"How can I trust in anything you are saying to me right now?" I whisper.

The Red Thread starts to flicker around us, as a reminder of what we truly represent to each other. He wipes away his own tears but stays in silence. He can't promise anything, because he knows that he cannot change the way his words were promised. The booze will enter, medication will be off the scene, and he will keep being locked with the ex that holds him for money. And me? I will always be the second, third, or fourth option on his list. 

"I want you to go, now. I will let you know the clinic's address when the time is right. We're done."

"Noah... please, I'm begging you, do not do this to us."

"It's already done." I say, staring into his deep honey eyes, "I want to forget that I ever met you."