Hope

I’m staring at the wall, silently seething. It won’t leave my head. Buckler’s sneering voice.

Mr White’s face. Elsa’s apology.

Hypocrites. All of them.

I’m on my own. Ezra has gone to classes, I don’t know when he will return. Probably only in the evening. I told him that he better attend classes if I take his pain at night. And it seems like he does. These past few days, he has shown no sign of having much more trouble with his pain than before Mr White put the bracelet on him. The only problem is that I’m getting more and more tired. I don’t even think I’ll attend healing practice today.

There’s a knock at the door.

“Come in,” I call weakly. I’m still tired, even though I’ve just slept for easily ten hours.

Emily enters, a tray with steaming food in hand.

“Hey,” she says cautiously. Like she’s worried I might kick her out. “I brought some lunch.”

I don’t say anything in reply. Emily closes the door behind her and comes closer. I get up, sit down at my desk. What luck I didn’t put on shorts yesterday, else I’d have to change now. It’s kinda cold in here.

Emily gives me a puzzled look. “You’re the first to walk out on the opportunity to have breakfast in bed,” she says.

I shrug. “I’m not that far gone.” I can’t give up on having at least some form of routine. Staying in bed all day – even if I feel like it – isn’t an option.

She sits down in the chair next to me and watches me silently, as I pick up the fork and begin eating.

Only when my meal is halfway finished, she finally says, “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Which is an outrageous lie, of course. It isn’t even about the fact that I’m tired or that I suffered unimaginable pains for half the night. It’s about the fact that I know that I’ll probably have to continue like this for the rest of my life. Because I am literally the only thing between my best friend and insanity. And yes, not too long ago, I didn’t mind doing this. But now I know there’s another way. And Mr White took that from him.

He could do good, for fuck’s sake.

“He talks about you, you know,” she says in this almost amused tone. Because she can probably very accurately guess my thoughts. Weird how I’m still surprised by that, after how our relationship started.

Even more weird that that’s only a few months past now.

“He told us what happened and he told us how you reacted. And why you don’t come to eat with us.”

I like to tell myself that I’m just too tired to be social, but let’s not kid ourselves. It’s because of Maria. Because I’m still mad at her.

“For what it’s worth, Maria says she’s really sorry,” Emily says, leaning onto her elbows.

“She didn’t know what she was getting you into, she was just frightened out of her mind and…” Her voice trails off. “Ezra forgave her, you know?” she says then.

And I haven’t. Because I’m a fucking child.

I hate this.

“She offered that she could eat somewhere else if you’d like to have lunch with us.”

But both of us know that I can’t reasonably take her up on the offer, because then I’m not just being a child, but a huge asshole, too.

“It’s not her fault, really.”

Silence.

“I wish I could help you with this, carry some of the burden,” she says thoughtfully. “I can tell how much this is weighing on you. You seemed like you’d almost recovered, recently. So happy and now…”

I nod slowly. “We’re right back to square one,” I complete her sentence.

“And you hate everything.”

“Rightfully so.” It’s a sober observation. Who wouldn’t hate everything in my situation. Okay, Ezra wouldn’t, but he doesn’t count. He’s not normal.

“Doesn’t make it any less hard on you, does it? Don’t you think Ezra has a point with his hatred is a waste of time mindset?”

I shrug. Probably? But once again, we’re not the same kind of person.

“I’d still trade their lives for his,” I say slowly. “Wouldn’t even have to think about it.” Well, that’s because I’ve already thought about it plenty. Oh, the glorious comfort of revenge fantasies.

“Can I ask you to do me a favour?” Emily asks abruptly, just as I’ve put another spoonful in my mouth.

I shrug. “What’shit?”

She frowns for a moment, then manages to decipher my muffled speech.

“I would like you to talk to Maria. Give her a chance and… try to forgive her?” She pauses. “She really likes you, but now she’s just… scared of you?”

Yeah, being told somebody’s scared of you when you don’t want that… that sucks. Especially when I thought… think myself right to be cross with her.

“Sure.”

Emily nods slowly. “I’ll call her now, okay? She’ll have to go to exercise soon.”

She leaves the room and for a moment, I wonder whether that’s all she wanted to do here. Have a quick check-in and then get me to talk to Maria. Then I shake my head. It’s not just that. Getting me to talk to Maria is part of a bigger scheme to get me to emotional safety. Whatever that might look like.

Barely five minutes later, there’s another knock at my door, much more hesitant, this time.

“Come in,” I call once again, but this time it doesn’t sound as tired. Amazing, what a good meal will do to your energy levels.

Maria opens the door, comes in, closes it. All without saying a word, but her eyes never leave mine.

She stops by the far end of the room, just past the entrance of our bathroom. Her fingers are restlessly fidgeting with the hem of her sweater.

“You can come closer,” I say flatly. “I won’t bite.” There’s a bitter edge to my voice and she has to have noticed it, because immediately, she scrambles forward, panic in her face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be ru-”

“Oh shut up,” I interrupt her and take a sip of water. “I know you didn’t.”

She ends up taking Ezra’s chair, the one where Emily sat before.

“Sorry,” she whispers and I contend with rolling my eyes instead of telling her to shut up once again. Because here’s the thing. I like Maria. I’m kind of mad at myself for it, but I really do.

There’s a long silence as I stare at her, wait until she takes the first step. She is here to talk to me, after all, not the other way around.

It takes her a moment to realise that, apparently, and when finally she does, she blushes furiously.

“I’m a bit slow today, aren’t I?” she says and a sheepish smile makes its way onto her lips as a chuckle moves my chest.

“I… I would like to apologise. For not hearing you out in the forest.” She shrugs. “I mean… I didn’t even care that it was Niall and the others he was hurting, I hate them, too. But the way Ezra looked at them… really scared me. And the way you acted really made it look like you were in on it.”

She was scared. Because of course she was. How couldn’t she have been. She didn’t want to be the next. And what do you do if you get scared? You go to somebody you think can help you. Somebody you assume has the continued survival and health of both sides in their best interest. A teacher. And the teacher reports to Mr White and Mr White gets Zeus and his team. I’ve been there to see the rest of the story live.

“I was as surprised as you,” I say thoughtfully. “I guess I just… know him better.”

Good enough to know that he’d never want to kill somebody. Good enough to believe in what I know instead of what I’ve been told.

“He’s lucky he has you. You know that, right? Somebody who’s willing to take his pain and to… trust that he’s not going to kill everyone.”

The way she says it makes me shiver. Not like she believes it. More like she’s heard a whole lot of other people talk about how they believe it.

“You’re a good person, Hope, even if you try your best to hide it sometimes. Where would he be without you?”

I laugh drily at the question. “He’d still be in his body. Without pain.”

Which obviously wasn’t Maria’s point. But it is what the conversation lead to, and she really seems to dislike that. But she also doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say now, so instead she goes silent once again.

“He barely talks when you’re not there,” she says then. “Almost like he’s a different person entirely. Isn’t that weird?”

I don’t know. Is it? I wouldn’t put it past him to put up a front while I’m around, just to keep me from worrying, because I’m already doing all I can. It has to be the pain, right?

I shrug. “I-”

But Maria isn’t done yet. “I don’t think it’s just a front, either. His eyes are different when you’re there. He seems so much more aware of his surroundings. And I mean… he’s nice to me and he participates in conversation as soon as one of us actively involves him, but he never takes the initiative.”

I pause, then frown at her. “Are you suggesting that he’s in love with me?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. But if you think that you’re only responsible for all the bad things that have happened to him since you met I think you’re not only being pessimistic, but also pretty stupid.” She halts and shoots me a worried look. “Sorry, I didn’t-”

I wave it off. “You’re right, though.”

-------------------------------------------

Somewhere else in the Academy

“This is madness!” the man says, almost yells, as he paces up and down along the window front behind his desk. “Who could ever be stupid enough to go after Zeus? Everybody knew he was untouchable, even the gangs!”

The woman stays seated, carefully nips at her tea. “Didn’t they regularly try to take him out?”

The man shakes his head. “The only goal they ever had was to slow him down to a point where they could get away. Zeus was the best deal they could get! They knew that his death would be immediately followed by nationally operating wielders and special forces swarming the city. It’s just-” He breaks off, takes a few agitated breaths. “And all that only days after the boy got his powers.”

The woman looks up with sudden interest. “You believe the two are connected?”

“They have to be!” he says, gesturing angrily. “It’s too coordinated. The moment his powers show-”

The woman shakes her head. “You don’t know for how long he had those powers. He could’ve had them for weeks, for all we know. But good job, I’m sure he’ll be happy to join forces with whoever did for Zeus after what you did to him.”

The man halts, sighs. “Probably, huh?” He shrugs. “And I couldn’t even be mad at him for it.”

“It’s not to late to change things,” the woman says, leaning in. “Both of us know pretty damn well where this is headed, but you can take away their weapon. You have the power to make him fight for us. He’ll gladly do it, I’m sure. You just have to apologise and ask nicely.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. There’s no way we can have him become a public hero and then contain him. Or protect him. He’s bound to be corrupted by his own powers. It’s all we can do to contain him and protect the keys to his bracelet.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” The woman says. “Do you have any idea what the two of them are going through right now?”

The man just shrugs. “I’m not paid to fight fair,” he says evenly. “Zeus was, and look what that got him.”