The horizon is growing pale by the time I get back to the hotel. We didn’t talk much more, Ezra and I, but we stayed together and now I don’t even feel the cold anymore. Which probably isn’t good.

But I couldn’t make myself leave him.

Just now, after exchanging awkward waves, I’d made one final attempt asking him to come with me. But he’d just smiled wistfully and told me we’d meet again tonight, and then he’d left.

Not like that outcome surprised me in any way.

I had to wait a fair bit until an opening back into the perimeter controlled by Atlas presented itself. For easily fifteen minutes, I had to stay crouched behind a garbage can, occasionally peaking out until the guard turned away for long enough.

Sneaking out isn’t going to get any easier, but in the future, I’ll probably also find more intricate routes in and out. I’ll have to have a look around the buildings once they start evacuation. If they even do it. They might not be able to with the limited resources available.

With a sigh and a shiver, I step past the guards and into the lobby of the hotel. Only now do I become aware of how tense I was before and it’s still hard to loosen up because my muscles are still cold.

I take off my jacket and begin rubbing at my fingers when a movement in my peripheral vision makes me look up.

It’s Emily, getting up from one of the couch, coming over. She looks about as tired as I feel. There are dark shades underneath her eyes.

She nudges me lightly when she stops next to me, too tired for a proper gesture of welcome.

“You didn’t go to HQ, yesterday, did you?” she asks in a low voice, glancing at the guards not far from us.

I shake my head. There’s no point in denying it. Not in front of her, anyway.

“Were you worried?” I do feel a little bad about it. I’d just assumed she’d fall asleep and now I could sneak in and act like I’d just been the last to go to bed.

She nods. Yawns as we make our way to the stairs. “Glad to see you’re fine, though.” Pause. “So, how’d it go?”

Because of course she can guess where I ran off to. Not like there are many options to choose from if I just shouted at my only parent to fuck off, all classmates except my best friend were present, and HQ was off the list.

I yawn, too. “He’s not coming back. He did agree to keep meeting me to talk, though.”

She nods. Acknowledges the achievement. “And what is he planning to do? He and that… other person?”

“They’re not just two.” I rub my eyes. This would be a great time to start drinking coffee. But then again, I’m about to go to sleep, aren’t I? “I don’t know the exact numbers, but they’re at least several. Some of the wielders from the secret prison have already joined them, more are going to.”

“And what are they going to do?”

“They want to take down Atlas. And Ezra thinks that if he kills enough people at the same time, it’s going to make his pain go away.”

I don’t look at her to see her reaction, but it takes her a moment to reply.

“Are you… going to try to stop him?”

Now I finally do look in her direction. I’ll probably be offended by this once I’ve slept. It’s honestly a true wonder I’ve kept it up this long, in my condition. But hey, adrenaline. Weird, to think that it was only a single night.

“Yes. Of course.” Once again, I yawn.

“But doesn’t that mean-”

I frown and she shuts up. “I’ll find a way. Don’t ask me how, because I’m still working on that part, but I’ll find a way. I’m not letting him die and I’m not going to rat him out.” Pause. “And I’d be very-” yawn “grateful if you could do the same.”

She nods hastily. “Of course.”

I eye her sidelong.

“What?” she asks with just a hint of humour to her voice. “Expected me to chicken out?”

Kinda. “Can’t say I didn’t expect everybody but myself to betray us the moment they got a chance to.”

She pushes me only lightly, but in my state it’s enough to make me tumble into the wall. “Not much of an optimist, are you?”

“And you realise that only now?”

She giggles. “I told you we’re here to help. And even if we weren’t, wouldn’t we want to prevent the death of several hundred people? If killing him isn’t an option – since he’s our friend and it’s probably impossible anyway – then why not take the best shot we have?”

And that best shot is me, huh? The thought alone makes me dizzy. How did I end up here, in this house full of heroes, with a group of classmates, each of which can fight so much better than me, all aiming to help me so I can talk the guy that could kill us all with the snap of a finger out of it.

I need to sleep. I really, really need to sleep. Maybe this will all seem a little less daunting in the morning. Maybe then it’ll also be easier to have a proper conversation.

I’m exhausted.

We arrive at the door to our room and Emily signals to be silent now, pulls the key card from her pocket and unlocks the door.

The curtains are drawn close, inside. In the vague twilight of the rising sun, I can still make out most of what I need to.

The room isn’t a room, but a suite. There are several doors leading away, probably to smaller rooms with beds. Beds that probably don’t have any mattresses on them at the moment because the girls pushed all the furniture to the side and laid out a neat row of mattresses in the middle of the room. Five, and the three of them are sleeping on two. Looks a little like Maria and Aileen went to bed normally and then Maya decided to just flop down in between them.

They look so peaceful, the way they're all cuddled up, only hair and parts of their faces visible.

Emily and I both take off our shoes and leave them by the door. Then we head to our respective mattresses. Neither of us is willing to brush their teeth, even less so since it involves digging through our suitcases first. We just strip down to our underwear and crawl under the covers mindfully prepared by our new roommates.

It would be satisfying, under normal circumstances, to go to bed like this. After a taxing day, so tired that you can barely keep your eyes open, grateful that you no longer have to keep your head from just lolling to the side.

And it is, in a way. Physically, it feels great. But not mentally. It feels wrong, to just lie down like this. I haven’t taken Ezra’s pain in over twenty-four hours and though my body loves me for it, it feels wrong. It’d become a constant in my life recently. My martyr complex.

My thoughts come to an abrupt halt when a body nuzzles against my back. Emily. Her arm finds its way around my belly and she gently keeps me from scooting away.

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “You can sleep now.”

And somehow, that helps.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Ezra

A hand on my shoulder. Shakes me. Makes it hard to sleep. Even harder than the pain makes it anyway.

Eyes flutter. Hand won’t leave me alone.

“Are you Ezra?”

A small voice.

Realise the hand is small, too. So small.

I turn my head. Look at her.

A child. What is a child doing here?

Can’t be older than seven or eight. She seems serious. But so… fragile.

“Hello?”

I nod. “Yes.”

Feel like absolute shit once again. What time is it?

“Noah’s asking to see you.” She sounds like she’s rehearsed the words in her head. “He says he wants to make plans and you’re supposed to be there for it.”

Why?

Not here to lead a war.

Here to be the weapon the war is fought with.

There’s a difference.

“Who are you?”

Haven’t seen her before. Must be new.

She puffs out her chest. “I’m Tearoh. I’m Noah’s bodyguard.”

What?

Thoughts must be obvious. She deflates and frowns at me.

“I’m strong. You’re not the first to underestimate me, you know? But Noah believes in me and he knows.”

I’m sure he does. Frightens me a little.

“Where is he?”

She jumps to her feet, waits for me to get up. Then she leads me out of the office, where Noah set up my bed. Through the warehouse and out into the yard.

Noah and Riekah are waiting for me there, along with several others. Wielders I’ve seen before, standing sort of in a line, staring down another group.

They’ve got guns. They look mean.

“Oh, there he is,” Noah calls with a casual laugh, pointing in my direction. “Good job Tearoh.” He pats her shoulders as we stop by his side.

“Who are they?” I ask, looking at an especially big one. He’s not as big as the really big one that has apparently joined our ranks over night.

“One of the local gangs, I’ve been told.” He seems thoughtful, looking at them.

“We’re the gang around here.” The big one yells. He looks like he’s faced several charges of domestic abuse before his family abandoned him. “We’re the big guys!”

Like that’s a cool name.

“But you aren’t even that big,” the girl calls from beside me. Was it Tearoh?

Almost laugh out loud.

The kind of big but also comparatively small guy comes closer. His face is red. “What was that, missy?”

Tearoh steps forward and meets him halfway. She doesn’t seem particularly impressed.

“I said you’re not even that big.”

“Is she about to transform into the hulk or something?” I ask, leaning close to Riekah.

Riekah doesn’t grin. “No. Her friend Hulk is over there.” He points at really big guy. “She’d still sweep the floor with him, though.”

Finally, Noah steps in. “Now now, our guests are here as diplomats, even if they might not look like it. They’re not here to fight and we should respect their wishes.”

Without taking her eyes of the red face, she takes a few steps backwards until she’s standing next to Noah again.

Noah turns to me. “They want to help us in our little war,” he says. “If afterwards, we leave the city to them, they’ll help us. What should I tell them?”

Riekah leans over. “On a side note, they’re also the ones who do human trafficking and drug distribution around here. Basically everything that makes people miserable is somehow linked to them.”

I frown. “Weren’t you the one who killed about thirty people yesterday?”

He told me. Both about the heroes and the guards at the prison. The heroes had shocked me more. They didn’t have to explain why, though. Only makes sense to take out the biggest threats when they’re still unaware.

He shrugs. “Doesn’t mean I can’t have standards, does it?”

“Don’t listen to him,” Noah says, drawing my attention back to him. “This is your decision. They’ve got an underground system of tunnels we could use. They’ve got manpower, resources…” he trails off when I shake my head.

“No.” I might be one of the bad guys now, but I’m nothing like them.

Or am I?

NO! I care. Here to protect Hope. My only goal is to leave my pain behind in a way that leaves both of us alive.

I shake my head again. Decidedly. That alone is enough reason for me. They don’t care.

“So you don’t want to work with them?”

I nod.

“Alright,” Noah says, louder. “That will unfortunately be a no from us. You can leave now.”

He makes a shooing motion with his hands.

“What?” Red face again. Veins on his bald head protrude through the skin. “Did we not make ourselves clear? This was never an offer!”

Then why did Noah make it seem like one?

“Okay, then,” Noah says, still relaxed. “If we’re dealing in absolutes, let me rephrase. You have twenty seconds to fuck off, or you’re collectively dead.”

For a moment, it seems to do the trick. Then, red face’s red face grows even darker. “They call me Fire Hand for a reason, you know?” he growls.

Noah nudges me with his elbow. “Kill them.”

Just like that, the world comes to a halt. I stare at him in disbelief. He’s not even looking in my direction. His face is calm. But his arms are tense.

I look back at red face. His hands are open by his sides. Like he’s about to conjure flames.

It’s not about whether I can kill them. It’s that just now, I told myself I was different. If I kill them now, it’s to no end. It would just make me feel a little better.

It feels like the pain is worse, suddenly. The simple idea of pushing it away….

I’m back at the school, standing in the doorway, staring as my torturer falls. It felt perfect. For those few seconds, I felt free. Maybe, if I kill more it’ll last longer?

I press my eyes shut, shake my head, try to scream over the thoughts.

“I’m not here to do your dirty work! I’m here for a cure!”

Because I care! Because I’m not like them! Because Hope would disapprove.

Hope.

It makes you human.

I open my eyes and see flames gushing towards me like a wall, but then the girl steps forward and just sort of pushes them back. It’s almost comical, how casually she swipes away red face’s efforts, pushes his own fire into him until he’s screaming and his skin blisters.

The other men look like they would like to intervene, but their hands and legs are held by vines.

Finally, Noah’s looking at me.

“Are you sure? You didn’t look like you were sleeping well earlier?” And there’s honest worry on his face.

But then he shrugs, turns away and somebody shouts, “Wait!”

It was me, I realise, and my stomach clenches.

It makes you human.

“I’ll do it,” my voice says from far away. “I’ll do it.”

And I do. My hands stretch out and slowly, the pain leaves my body. It’s so much more controlled than the times I’ve done it before. I ease it into them and as they collapse, I take the first full breath in hours. As screams of terror fill the air around me and slowly die out, I close my eyes and breathe.

Clarity.

And then there’s Hope’s voice, once again echoing through my head.

You’d have been a better hero.