Hooham was a pretty cool place.

Classic medieval-type stereotypical fantasy setting. Rustic earth-wall houses. Big rough-hewn support beams in most of the larger buildings and the roofed open-air marketplace. Six-foot wall around the whole thing with three gates to the roads. The kind of place that just doesn’t exist Earthside anymore, if it ever did in these proportions.

It wasn’t that Revside didn’t have technology, they did, in limited amounts. It just ran off magic because electricity didn’t work. Right down to there being no static electricity from… from…

Well, from howeverthefuck static electricity works, I dunno. But you could rub your socked feet across all the carpet you wanted here and touch metal and nothing would happen. Great for bad hair days, shitty for industrial progress. The sciencey research people Earth kept sending over were nuts about it, my school made the nerdy AP kids do a whole report on it Senior year. I wasn’t part of that report, I didn’t care enough to take any of the Advanced courses. 

I crossed the open market square (which was more of a rectangle, but that’s what the sign called it) meandering through the crowd and walking past stalls, headed for the main tavern closest to the portal hub. The lines for food relief were already super long this close to lunch; I had to push my way through to get past.

Now that I was in town I felt weirdly exposed wearing dead lady’s crop top; I didn’t really like shirts that showed my midriff. Nobody gave me any weird looks about it, though.

It was as I was walking around to the back end of the tavern that I realized the key to my storage unit was still in my bag. Under the gold and gems. At the very bottom. 

Of course. Thanks, me.

Nothing for it; I needed it to pay for a room so I could get a shower and clean properly; sand and water weren’t cutting it. I also needed to pay my portal fee. I also had real clothes in there— which I was very much looking forward to wearing. 

Once I got to the storage units I ended up dumping my bag out right there in the wood-paneled hallway. A rain of gold and gems poured out, followed by my dinky little air wand, the remains of my food rations, my leather-covered water bottle, my first-aid kit, and finally— a tiny silver-colored key on a ring with a leather tag that said “#3”

#3 was directly in front of me, so I got it open and started rooting around.

My clothes, of course, were towards the back, behind the crates I had brought with me. I braced my arms and sunk low, shoving one to the side. The cheap-quality ink it was stamped with rubbed right off onto my hand. At least it was the “USDA GRADE A” part, and not the important bit. Revellion folks got a bit odd about products they thought might be knockoff. 

I stowed my air and arcane wands on top of the crate I’d just shoved, then added my rations. The back of the unit had a small built-in chest of drawers. I crawled through the open space under another piled crate stack and pulled the bottom drawer open. I grabbed out some jeans, fresh underthings, and a t-shirt, then shimmied back out and locked the unit.

I spent a few minutes dumping my treasure back in my bag— leaving the important stuff for last and tossing the mimic coin pouch on top— then headed for the tavern proper.

“Ho, maiden!” one of the serious-faced barboys called as I walked inside. “How may I assist?”

I held up my storage key fob in response. “Hey, man! I’m gonna grab a day room, a meal, and pay my portal fee to go Earthside,” I ticked off my list on my hand. “You guys can just take it straight out of the unit.”

He blinked, then smiled a customer service smile. “Oh, for sure, for sure.” He said, dropping the Revellionan formality. “I gotchu, didn’t realize you were from Earthside.” He gestured to my crop top and suede pants, then the modern clothing folded under my armpit. “Wasn’t paying attention, my bad! Yeah, for sure, lemmie check what’s free. We got rabbit stew, roasted turtle, and venison steak.”

“Turtle for sure, my guy.”

“Cool, cool. Head upstairs to six, I’ll have one of the maids send it up. Three hours good?”

“Plenty. Thanks, man!”

He waved me off and I headed up. 

A shower, some roast turtle with rice and veggies, and clean clothes later and I felt human again. I walked back down with an hour to spare.

“We good?” I asked the barboy. “You get your fee? I wanna get a move on.”

“Oh yeah, for sure.” He said, turning to me and adopting a smile again. “Didn’t realize your stuff was Monsanto, so it’s just one crate for everything.”

I gave him a thumbs-up and walked out.

The portal line was nearby, at the edge of town near the wall. I queued up behind a man wearing a heavy roughspun fabric kaftan and a necklace made of solid-gold beads the size of my thumb. Probably a merchant looking to buy in bulk to resell at a profit back here. Basically what I was doing but in reverse.

Then I paused, belatedly remembering the leather coin pouch in my bag, and frowned. The mimic.

It was almost certainly made of magic. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten and almost portaled through with it— portal magic could come through, but other stuff would just go inert on Earth. Jeez, I could have killed it! I sucked.

I got back out of line and headed back to the storage unit. The mimic shivered when I took it out, then shuddered back into its metal-chest self.

“Sorry, man.” I said to it. “I forgot. I’m such an asshole. You gotta stay here, you can’t come with me.”

It stared at me. Hard.  I could feel its disagreement.

“Look, I’m sorry.” I said. “I’ll come back soon, okay? A week, tops.”

I turned to leave and stumbled.

It had grown one of its hands and was holding on to the side belt loop of my jeans.

I pried its fingers off. “Look, look, it’s okay.” I soothed, still holding its hand in my own. “I’ll come back. I promise! This is only my first trip through, I’ve still got plenty left. I get, like, thirty! You gotta stay here and not eat anybody.” I searched for words. “Just be chill, okay? Hang out and do whatever it is you do between eating things.”

I stepped out quick before it could pout and pull me back again, then shut the door behind me, locking it in there.

Kaftan guy was just portaling out as I rejoined the queue. It was a boring fifteen minute wait until I reached the front.

“Name?” The woman behind the podium asked me. She glanced up at my face, then back down at the scroll in front of her. Both her hands were lit up with lavender lines of magic that hummed slightly this close-up.

“Janice Holston.” I said, slightly excited. Portaling was so cool. She rolled her eyes at me as one of the lines on the scroll lit up red.

“You’re clear,” she said. “Step into the circle and remain stationary. Do not step on the sigils or you will be assessed a fee.”

I hopped over the glowing glyphs and into the clear center ring, then stood straight and waited.

She started to chant, the magic on her hands glowing brighter as the hum increased. The symbols around me flared in response, wisps of light blazing up ten feet high. It was all very magical and high fantasy. The kind of stuff I’d come here hoping to witness in the first place— along with bagging as much treasure as possible. 

I was glad to be going home, though. I missed my mom. And my car. And movies. And YouTube. And pizza! Oh my God, the first thing I was doing when I got back was going out to Charlie’s and getting a deep di—

My chest twinged just below my boobs.

I blinked. I put a hand— 

My ribcage cracked open.

There was blood. There was so much blood. I would have been screaming but I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I saw my ribs pop free and collapse one after another, cracking and shivering, some of them disintegrating.

I heard what sounded like a distant explosion amidst the shouts and screams just as I—