What an unexpected harvest! I opened one bottle, took a sip, and a remarkably sweet taste overwhelmed me. The potent smell of honey reminded me of a Sauternes I drank on my first holiday, where I only drank the most expensive wines and liquors that ruined my wallet. I grinned as I looked out into the distant forest, the memories of that time flooding back. Good times.

Lucas gently touched my shoulder and asked, “Charlie, you look broken. Are you fine?” I flashed a bright grin, but he let out a sigh. “You have trouble with an alcohol. I mean it this time!” He moved closer and pulled me into a hug. For some unknown reason, butterflies ran amok in my stomach as soon as he touched me. Woah, the wine has that powerful effect?

“My lovely mage, now it is not time to be so gloomy; let’s celebrate our first spoils with a drink!” I tried to offer him a bottle, but he pulled out and nervously ran hands through his hair.

“I’ll pass. We’ve played for over 6 hours. I need to log out, at least for a while,” he said his apology and logged off without waiting for my response. He pressed the button and froze in place for 10 seconds, like a statue, before his body vanished. Without thinking much into it, I tasted the wine once more.

“What? Drinking lowers the pain? Incredible! Let’s drink, cheers to you, my friends at the QA department; so hardworking all the time!” I screamed at the entire mountain and drank a full bottle.

My sense of directions got a little blurry, and I had to revise my plan of farming the Goolems. There was no way I could hunt for something that would kill me in one shot. Not while intoxicated.

After thinking about the best plan of an action, I recalled a weird dungeon with Goolems, so I hiked near it. At least that was my goal, but as I tried to not stumble upon the various things on the ground, I lost a fight with a few pebbles. Not fair! My shoes were the ones to blame, because my heels got stuck between the roots. Five times; the same root.

Soon I found that finding a dungeon was an impossible task. I heard my own footsteps echoing off the damp walls and felt the chill of the air around me as I walked for a full ten minutes, only to circle back to the hole and nearly fall there. This time my stumble on that root saved my skin, so shoes were redeemable.

I sat on the familiar boulder and waited for the world to stop spinning. If my memory served right, I got an extra payment for the unusual entry. But where it was? The only thing I remembered was some running water. A pond? A creek?

I wandered, a little more clear-headed, until I heard a stream and followed it until the thirteenth most beautiful waterfall appeared. Okay, I couldn’t check the ranking in a sightseeing guide, because Ricky probably didn’t know what Rimelion was, so he obviously hadn’t written it. Yet. I might visit The Riker’s Luck to introduce him into the game.

I didn’t want to get into a thirsty state, so I drank the cold, refreshing water and splashed it over my face to wake me up. The hunger modifier was a future John’s problem.

After the break at the waterfall, I glanced up the mountain. Thankfully, the north side was full of gray rough stones, so I nodded and started climbing up. My heels were helping me this time, and when I climbed near a resting place, I grew excited and tried to jump there. Guess what? The fall almost gave me a heart attack, and the rocky ground welcomed me in a warm embrace.

“Ouchie,” I massaged my forehead and quickly healed the wound for sweet proficiency points. Masochists must be awesome healers, right?

The second climb went without a hitch, and I gazed into the distance with a satisfaction. I could vaguely see the Main Village Number Four, which was, according to the map, over than 8 miles away. A few more villages popped up between us, but they all were going to be devoured by Irwen soon. Could I get somehow involved?

I searched the cliff for a good hour and found a small rupture hidden between a few roots of a pine tree. A faint light shining from it confirmed my suspicion, but sadly, it was narrow only for my hand. “No problem, ‘cause you are clever, John.” I wedged in my stick-staff and widened the hole, little by little. I leaned in and pushed hard, feeling the wood give way beneath my weight. Although it broke with a big bang, little rocks fell inside, and I involuntarily followed them.

Yes! I jumped up with a fist pump and cheered, albeit quietly, and squinted eyes, because the light was dim and the stale, warm air weighting me down. I found myself in a small side room, and the only feature was a broken table and two half-functioned chairs.

Hey devs, good way in, huh? I laughed at them. Anyway, AI was going to deploy a fix that prevents intrusion like this in any case. I would love to skip the annoying stages of the Scorching Dungeon. Maybe there was a way to insert myself into a Lisa’s group?

Naturally, I had to be careful with each step, because I didn’t want to attract the monsters. If I strained my body to the limit, I would survive the fight with one small Goolem. Anything more would mean my death and twenty-four hours’ wait. When I stepped into the hallway, I heard creaks of old wooden beams as I walked.

For a while I pondered about digging another hole, but decided against it. There was no guarantee that these Goolems wouldn’t climb; they fixed only the wild ones. As I attempted to sneak around, I held my breath, careful not to make a sound. If I was the Thief, I would have a more leeway. Sadly, Priests weren’t class known for their sneaking abilities.

As I walked down the hallway, I felt the crunch of a pebble beneath my foot, and it skittered away, producing a sound that seemed to carry on forever, rousing the Goolem. No!

The insignificant creature turned around and dashed towards the sound. Not to be ashamed, I ran for my life and jumped into a random room, thankfully an empty one. Just in time, because I heard the stone screeching around the door. After gulping down, I realized my heart raced like crazy. Trouble in a noob dungeon, John, you’re pathetic.

After searching for a while, I stumbled upon a bonus room where the pitter-patter of small Goolems scurrying around filled the air. My primary target was a chest hidden in a corner behind some boulders, but I wasn’t in any danger; they ignored me and jumped aimlessly around.

While I rummaged through the rubble, I noticed an error in my calculations, because even heavy stones were a challenge for my weak body. When I was throwing them to the side, a sweat formed on my forehead and I had to stop for a while; this wouldn’t happen if I was a warrior. Was I clearing the dungeon or working as a miner? Whatever.

Yes! The system gave already identified items, because it wasn’t a monster drop, but a chest one. Sweet. I was disappointed to not find a staff, so I had to use the mace, which would only do one damage, as I didn't meet the level requirements. I confidently walked back to the hallway and pointed the mace at the Goolem.

“Come at me, you small rock! You are nothing but a pebble in my eyes!” After my taunt, the Goolem sprinted towards me and bashed at my abdomen. Ouch! I shrieked loudly, as the wound was pulsating like that time when an evil dentist pulled my damn teeth. Even in the pain, I used the scroll, but couldn’t stop my screaming.

When I activated the scroll, it confused the Goolem’s AI. The key was to activate it during a fight. After every attack, it didn’t know what to do, so it stood still for five seconds like Lucas without an energy drink, and then bashed at me, but only for one damage. This exploit was a classic one, but it still worked, so why wouldn't I use it? Although, it still hurt.

The exploit worked, though. The Goolem kept attacking me for 1 HP, but I out-healed that damage easily and returned the beating with my mace. With 1 damage as well.

Out-healed was a strong word; I succeeded in a healing spell once in three attempts. Stupid magic system. It's tougher than figuring out barroom puzzles! As the pain clouded my judgment, I selected my lovely wine and drank it during the fight. The sweet nectar eased the pain, and as the intoxication increased to level 2, the pain was only like walking on broken whiskey bottles.

The Goolem granted me only 8XP; that was a far cry from the whooping 300XP, but as I healed myself, my proficiency points increased, so it was a win. Except the stupid pain. Wait. Am I a masochist now?

Thinking about my future as a receiver of Goolem-pain, I continued to run around the hallway like a madwoman and bashed the various Goolems. Okay, now I embraced the pain; I welcomed the crushing sounds when they hit my knees or even the stomach. All for the sweet XP, or proficiency points. When the scroll timer neared the end, I used another one.

With a grin, I smashed the last of Goolem’s head and watched it roll away. The sad thing about my rampage was that nothing dropped, and the leveling speed wasn’t that great.

With only 3 scrolls remaining and the timer still ticking, I entered the boss’ room. In the center of a massive cave stood a motionless Goolem, larger even than me. Developers painted him red, because he was angry. How original. I braced myself for the intense fight and ran with a shout at that monstrosity.

As I could smash only once per second, I started the onslaught without rest. The Boss skills of [Rage], [Berserk], or others couldn't make a dent on me, I received always only one damage and the Boss still stood like an idiot for 5 seconds after the hit.

Hello! It’s me, The Exploiter, the glorious tanker! As the time neared, I had to use yet another scroll.

That was an oversight on my part. My healing power was still greater, but I had to attack during a casting. If I had the skill [Simultaneous spell-casting] it would have been easier. Or if I had been better at casting spells…

I had to focus as much as when I had to solve a differential equation and drink whiskey at the same time. My evading skills from my warrior age were on the spot, but I lacked the agility to avoid at least half of the time. Naturally, I was using the basic tactic for this boss, as I stood between two enormous boulders and tried to avoid his angry smashes. Yes, his attack was [Angry smash].

When my stamina dropped to 0, my attack speed plummeted to a half, and I depleted my last drop of mana. When the Boss had the last sliver of hit points left, my last scroll expired.

Damn, what an impeccable timing, my calculations were off yet again. No more messing around. I drank the wine and ferociously beat the Boss. I avoided his fist, but I failed to avoid his feet.

Princess, how could you be so confident, you moron? Jumping between his legs, I turned around and smashed his head with mace and destroyed his angry nose.

“I still got it, bastards!” I shouted and happily collected my spoils.