No investors on this dig.  Ugh, this is rough.

Still, that just means I won't need to share the credit on the paper to Archeology Annual, nor will I need to share the recovery fee when the artifacts go on display.

I wipe the sweat from my brow as I adjust my dusty brown hat. No, I'm not Indiana Jones, but I did buy a souvenir hat that matched. The movies are completely ridiculous - no sensible archeologist would work that way: The lack of documentation and context on those items he pulls would cripple anyone trying to actually learn about ancient cultures… not to mention all the destruction he leaves in his wake.

The movies are fun, though, if heavily dated.

I'm also not built like a movie star. I'm tanned, simply because I spend a lot of time outside. But that's about where the similarities end. I am a gangly ninety pound weakling, slightly shorter than average, brown eyes, with thin limbs. And I'm really glad the hybrid SUV I brought out here carries everything, because I could not manage that jungle all by myself.

Which I am. Currently I'm doing soundings to identify where, exactly, to start digging. Satellite imagery tells me there's probably a structure buried here, but I want the door, not a wall or ceiling. I've got a nice little tunneler to do most of the work, but I'll need to do the last foot or so of that digging by hand to avoid damage to the walls. And… ah, my results.

There we go. A nice little map… huh. This tells me most of these rooms and hallways are probably intact and clear. That's unusual.  And the door… that should be it.  

I export the map as an image, plug my phone into the machine, and save a copy.  The interface is slightly awkward to use, but my phone is MUCH lighter than the real machine, and less awkward to carry than my laptop. That'll be good….

I take my pictures and notes: I have to do this right, after all, even if I don't have any support.  I take my time, plan out my angle of approach - digging straight down won't work well, I'll need to be able to get equipment in and out of there, and with my arms, that means a nice long ramp - and get to work with my digger. Fortunately, it can dig through vegetation as well as dirt and rocks. Otherwise it would be really hard to place.

I set it running, pausing it periodically to reinforce the ceiling of my tunnel, sift through the dirt, and document my findings. It's slow going, but important.  And I have to head back to the nearby village for my supplies personally, because I'm alone out here… which is why it takes a full week before I'm finally standing at the door to this currently underground temple.

Huh. That's… Arabic?  Weird. I'm in South America. It's hard for this text to be further out of place. Still… document, document, document. I take a lot of detailed pictures as I go.  GPS coordinates, samples into labeled tubes for dating later… lots of work.  

Which is why it's another three days before I even try to open the door. By then I've gotten a translation; it's a basic “abandon hope” warning, really. “None who enter return,” specifically. Nice little scarecrow. I use a block and tackle to pull open the door, for a few reasons.  First, while it's rare, sometimes there are functioning traps in these places, so I don't want to risk my hand.  Second, I don't want my skin oils to contaminate anything. Third… that door looks really heavy, and the winch on the jeep will do a fine job of opening it: The block and tackle is mostly to slow it down.

And again: Pictures, documents, and samples… including air samples. Funny thing, but ancient structures buried underground for centuries or more tend not to have great air… but you can sometimes learn a lot from getting a sample before it gets too mixed up with modern air, which I also need to encourage, so I'll be able to breathe once I'm inside.

So it's another day before I actually step foot through the doorway, camera in hand, flashlight on my hat, recorder running in my pocket, oxygen meter in my other hand. There's some amazingly intricate carvings on the inside, with hints of color that suggest it was painted at one time. As I turn around to get a full panorama, I discover a problem:

The doorway is GONE. There's a solid wall behind me where once was an excellent egress.  There was no noise. It couldn't possibly be a slab that moved into place… there's simply a wall.  A wall covered in intricate runes.

That's… umm. Maybe the door closed and I just didn't hear it? I spend a good hour looking, but I can't find so much as a seam. I check my phone: No signal, neither GPS, cellular, nor the wifi connection to my camp where I have the satellite hookup running. Ah well - it was a longshot anyay: I'm a good five feet underground here.

Lovely.

Well… I have plenty of battery in my… wait… something in the corner of my vision… I turn my flashlight off for a minute.  Yes, that confirms it: These runes are glowing faintly pink.

That doesn't make me worried.  Not at all. It's probably just some mold that hopefully won't kill me.  I have a dust mask, at least… and that'll need to do for now, because there aren't any options. I don't have a hammer and chisel… not that I want to destroy such a priceless relic as that wall, but I want to live…so really, the only way is forward. Maybe I'll find something I can use before I run out of air?

I keep taking pictures as I go, and also consult my map … right up until it becomes blatantly obvious my map doesn't match this hallway, which takes all of maybe twenty feet. My map says I should be in a room by now, but no, I'm just in a long hallway with support pillars that could have been a doorframe.  Great.  At least with a straight hallway, I can't get lost.

I keep going, the ambient lighting growing brighter as I progress… eventually, I turn off my flashlight. How is this so bright? Seriously, other than the color, this is quickly reaching office lighting levels.  At least the air seems OK? The oxygen meter says I'm more than fine. I could be hallucinating from old mold or something, I suppose… but there’s nobody out here to rescue me, so I'm going to need to assume my senses are mostly OK. If they're not, I'm dead anyway. But my head feels clear.

So, of course, I immediately run across something that shouldn't be possible: An open area with a thirty foot ceiling… and it's still pink everywhere. FLOATING in the middle of this domed room, fifteen feet off the floor… is a very voluptuous naked woman. Who is pink. She's looking away from me, but I can easily see the curve of her mammary glands on both sides of her, twin globes only slightly larger than those of her derriere, the essentials of which are covered by her long hair, which goes down to her knees... and is also pink.  Her skin is perfectly smooth… probably some cosplayer in a pink skinsuit? It's too absurd to be real. But why's she just hanging on a rig, and why out in the middle of nowhere?  Not that I can see the rig, but what else?

Yes, my body reacts to her. I've been away from civilization for weeks, and quite frankly, I was never good at getting the girls anyway.  But you know what? I have more important things than getting my rocks off.

I start with Spanish, as that's the most commonly understood language in this region, “Pardon me, mademoiselle, I don't mean to intrude, but I'm lost. Could you perhaps point me to the way out?”

She slowly turns, and looks at me… yes, her eyes are pink, too. And her lower lips are clean-shaven; I can't see a spec of hair on her other than the hair on her head. I also don't see a seam. That's a really good job, whoever did it. But I can't exactly say I'm looking for seams; those super sized balloons on her chest are distracting.

“Finally!” She speaks.  It's not English, Spanish, or Portuguese, yet I understand her perfectly, “A body…” she rushes towards me.

All I can think is that this would be a great intro in one of Gary's games; practically perfect, if he weren't so prudish. Which means I'm hallucinating, which means I'm probably dying. But at least this is a fun way to go.  

And if none of this is real… I might as well make the most of it: I raise my hands to grab her melons as she approaches…

…and I black out when she makes contact.