[Peekaboo Bitch. New fic just dropped.]

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[???]

Atop a beautiful green cliff overlooking a deep blue ocean stood a young man blankly staring at the clear ocean with a dazed look, appearing to be completely motionless even as the soft breeze of the winds flowed around him. The grass rustled under the gusts of wind, a swishing sound whistling in the ears of the boy’s eyes as his eyes finally refocused from the sound.

Unbeknownst to him was a soft kaleidoscopic glow of several colors across his body, which soon disappeared as the boy suddenly took a deep breath as if he hadn’t been breathing until that very second.

“Hmm…?” Astel muttered in confusion as he blinked away the blurriness in his eyes and looked around, feeling quite puzzled at the beautiful and calm scenery all around him despite how entrancing it was.

Another gentle gale of wind breezed past him as he suppressed a slight shiver at the pleasant feeling of wind on his skin. He glanced at the ground below him and spotted a collection of surprisingly beautiful flowers. He tilted his head and bent down to carefully pluck a few, rolling them up into a bouquet with a small smile. 

They were pretty beautiful, he had to admit. More so than any flower he had seen before.

“... These look familiar,” Astel muttered while holding the flowers, narrowing his eyes at them as they swayed in the windy gale. “Cecilia flowers?”

His eyes widened a little as he recognized the flowers in his hand, slowly coming to understand the situation a little more as he looked back up towards the expansive ocean and to the familiar beach where every journey in this world began.

“Genshin?” He spoke while staring at the beach where the Traveler first began their journey incredulously, ignoring the heavy rumbling he heard behind him because of his focus on the familiar yet unfamiliar beach in front of him.

… What happened? He was just taking a nap a minute ago. How did he suddenly appear in Genshin Impact?-

*THUD*

Astel’s body flew to the side as a shield larger than him suddenly smacked into his head from behind, sending him skidding into the grass of the giant cliff he was standing on just a second ago.

Behind where Astel was standing was a hulking monster with a large mane of black hair and an odd mask on its face. It held a wooden shield resembling a Tower Shield almost as big as it was, which was what it used to surprise attack Astel.

The Mitachurl who swung the large shield stared at Astel’s prone form silently before turning around to look at the three hilichurls accompanying it. They all shrugged as they stared at the fallen man behind it, appearing nonplussed at Astel's sudden appearance and lack of awareness.

The Mitachurl grunted and stepped forward to return to its position, stopping once the three Hilichurls suddenly released a synchronized “YAaA!” of surprise and pointed behind it.

“That hurt… You took it to heart when Thanos said you should’ve gone for the head, huh?” The Mitachurl looked back to see the man standing up with a slightly dazed expression, nursing his head as it bled from where its shield hit it. “If we were in Fontaine, I’d sue you for sure.”

Astel chuckled a little as he rubbed his aching head with his hand, feeling a new, surprising clarity in his mind that made him feel like he was amidst the clouds. Even as the Mitachurl began walking towards him again, his gaze remained squarely on the ocean and sky behind the hulking monster.

“I don’t know how… I don’t know why… But I feel great.” Astel muttered with a dazed smile even as the Mitachurl stomped towards him and stood before him, towering above him and blocking him from viewing the ocean and sky with its large body. “You wouldn’t know why that is, would you?”

The Mitachurl raised its shield in response to his words, preparing to swing it down again to finally shut the babbling human up. It grunted and swung the shield down, stumbling slightly and blinking in confusion as its shield hit empty air.

“YAaAoW?” It suddenly heard the sound of its three hilichurl companions behind it exclaim in surprise, sounding closer than they were when it was attacking the weird human. It refocused its gaze and realized it was a bit lower on the cliff than where it struck, with the man smiling down at it from the exact location he was standing in this entire time.

“Oh? Perhaps your subconscious fear of me made it so you couldn’t ascend these steps to reach me, Mitachurl?” Astel spoke while moving his hands on his hips dramatically, smiling down at the Mitachurl as it roared and slammed its shield down to begin sprinting at him. “How useless.”

The Mitachurl swung its shield at the infuriating man again with a roar of anger, collapsing to the ground as its attack hit the air, and its momentum forced it to fall. 

“I’m glad you’re so eager to serve me, Mitachurl. Kneeling so enthusiastically and refusing to take even a step forward… I am impressed.” The human spoke again smugly while bringing his hands together to slowly clap in appreciation, angering the Mitachurl immensely despite its inability to understand his words. His mocking gesture was enough.

“GRAAAAAAR!” The Mitachurl abandoned its shield and ignored the terrified squeals of its hilichurl companions behind it as it punched the ground twice before sprinting towards the human again, slamming headfirst into the ground just before it was about to headbutt him as it learned what it was like to eat dirt.

“I’m starting to feel a little bit bad actually… Are you done yet?” Astel muttered while staring at the fallen Mitachurl thoughtfully, moving his gaze to his bloodied hand as he sighed and wished there was some water nearby- Oh hey.

The Mitachurl groaned in frustration as the infuriating human ignored it in favor of cleaning his hand and head with a sphere of hovering water, watching as he discarded the water bubble once his hands were clean as a gentle gale quickly breezed past them and dried Astel’s body for him.

“Hey, um… I’m gonna go now, ‘Kay? I’m pretty sure hilichurls like you experience a fate worse than death when killed, so-” Astel smiled and turned away from the fallen Mitachurl and shaky hilichurls to turn to the flower patch he was standing in earlier, freezing as his eyes caught sight of its state and widened in shock.

The bouquet of Cecillia flowers he had gathered was flattened on the ground within a crater resembling the Mitachurl’s footprint, the previously beautiful flowers wholly ruined.

Astel blinked slowly as his small smile faded, leaving a blank expression. He swiped his hand to the side and began walking towards the ruined bouquet, ignoring the Mitachurl that had attempted to run at him again. He was teleported back to its original position in front of the hilichurls.

Astel slowly bent down to gather the destroyed petals of the Cecillias, frowning as it broke apart in his hands. His frown alleviated a little as a gust of wind suddenly breezed past him and carried the petals away, the remains of the flowers calmly flying along the wind and eventually out of his range of vision.

“... You’re a long way from the Chasm,” Astel quietly spoke while turning around to look at the furious Mitachurl and terrified hilichurls, politely smiling as he brought his hands together in front of him. He pulled his left hand back in a way not unlike pulling back a bowstring, relying on the clear feeling in his mind to achieve the effects he was creating as an arrow of fire formed between his hands. “Allow me to help you with that.”

The Mitachurl lunged for the shield it had thrown to the side earlier and quickly slammed it to the ground. At the same time, its three hilichurl friends jumped behind it, hiding behind the shield and the Mitachurl’s body before Astel could fire at them instead.

“Goodbye,” Astel whispered and released the arrow of fire nocked within the nonexistent bow, the Pyro construct flying through the air at breakneck speeds toward the group of monsters.

*FHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

Missing the shield's center by an inch, the fire arrow effortlessly burned through the wooden shield and punctured through the Mitachurl’s defense. The arrow pierced through everything in its path without fail, leaving a circular hole in the wooden shield, a gap in the Mitachurl’s chest, and three tunnels in each of the hilichurls’ heads.

The hilichurls slowly dropped to the ground without resistance, appearing completely motionless after the surprisingly fatal attack. The Mitachurl, on the other hand, still stood despite the gaping wound in its torso, staring at Astel with visible shock and terror as it leaned against its shield to avoid falling. 

“I’d say something like, ‘Your worst mistake was that… you really pissed me off.’, but it’d be weird to quote Jotaro when I was DIO a minute ago. And I’m not really angry, just disappointed.” Astel commented with a dull tone as he walked next to the Mitachurl uncaringly, ignoring its grunts as he bent down and placed his hand on the corpse of a hilichurl while sighing.

“It didn’t disappear. I don’t know why I thought it would.” He engulfed his hand in another bubble of Hydro water he summoned, cleaning his hand in it before launching the water off the side of the cliff and drying himself with a gust of Anemo.

The Mitachurl roared and tried to turn around to tackle him, falling face-first into the ground as that little movement took its last bit of energy.

“Relax. I said I’d take you to the Chasm, didn’t I? I think that might alleviate your pain… Though you’ve already died here, so who knows.” Astel sighed at the Mitachurl’s fury and defiance, smiling slightly in amusement as he waved his hand through empty air with a dumb look.

He kept swiping his hand through the air rapidly with the same blank yet stupid look on his face, slightly sweating while staring at the corpses of the hilichurls as well as the fallen Mitachurl staring at him blankly while quickly bleeding out.

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

No sooner did he say those words than the Mitachurl died. While incomprehensible, the last words it heard filled it with despair as its fate was left to the same person who admitted their incompetence to its face during its final moments.

“Oh hey, I figured it out. Yoink.” Astel smiled and bent down towards the Mitachurl, touching its head momentarily before it popped out of existence and out of sight. “Yoink yoink yoink.”

*Pop. Pop. Pop.*

The three hilichurls disappeared alongside the Mitachurl soon after, leaving no sign of their previous existence except for the footprints strewn all around and the weapons they left behind after they died.

Astel put his hands on his hips with a slight smile and nodded to himself proudly, moving to pluck another Cecillia flower as he inspected Starsnatch Cliff curiously.

A quick walk up the cliff revealed the beach he had seen earlier before he was surprise attacked and smacked into the ground. As he noted earlier, it was the same beach the Traveler started on in Genshin Impact.

He couldn’t see Mondstadt from where he stood, but that was to be expected. He wasn’t in a game anymore, so the distance between landmarks is undoubtedly much more prominent now.

As Astel stared at the familiar beach blankly and tried to think about his current situation, he couldn’t help but slowly bring the Cecillia flower up to his face with the same dazed feeling in his mind.

“Ptooey.” He spat the Cecillia petals out of his mouth after trying to taste them, his nose scrunching as he looked away from the beach and to the flower. “The heck is Ganyu doing? I thought it was maybe a Genshin thing…”

He sighed and spat the last bit of bitterness out of his mouth as the flower in his hand popped out of existence, leaving him without any more flowers to chew on or taste.

“I have an idea.” He suddenly smirked and started waving his hands through the air again with another stupid expression, only now with a smile accompanying that dumb look. “This is gonna either be really funny or really painful.”

*POP*

He immediately disappeared from the patch of grass he was standing in with a pop, just as the flower and hilichurls had done earlier.

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[Marie Arouet]

Marie sighed and inspected the papers again as she prepared for her trial, her fingers twitching anxiously and her feet tapping the floor nervously. Her hands moved up to carefully play with her blonde hair, her blue eyes darting. She glanced at the clock and sighed, noticing that she still had 10 minutes until the court was in session.

As long as nothing went wrong, she was sure she’d manage to prove their innocence. She just needed to stay calm-

*POP*

“Sup.”

She suppressed a scream and jumped back in shock as a man suddenly appeared in front of her, the papers in her grasp flying out of her hands and towards him.

She watched with a dumbfounded expression as the man casually caught the papers she had thrown, setting them straight and rearranging them in his hands while beginning to read it like it was the daily newspaper.

“Arouet? Like… the owner of Café Lutece?” He blinked in surprise at her family name. He looked up at her questioningly, ignoring her surprise at how he had somehow recognized her and her husband’s name and establishment. “Oh, neat, I’m in Fontaine.”

What?

“W-Who are you?” She asked shakily while calmly putting her hands down again, sensing that the man didn’t seem malicious and may have been a previous customer at her Cafe.

She scrutinized him as he tilted his head at her, noting the odd physical features and clothes he was wearing. He was obviously not Fontainian, something she could tell just by looking at what he was wearing. 

Adorning him was a black coat that dropped down to his knees with white fur lining its collar, a turtleneck sweatshirt below, and a pair of black cargo pants, similar to some Snezhnayan clothes she had seen before. It seemed too hot for anywhere except Snezhnaya, at least from what she knew.

Was he from Snezhnaya? His features didn’t seem Snezhnayan, but that didn’t mean anything. She narrowed her eyes a little more and noticed his flowing black hair with occasional white streaks running down the side of his hair, her eyes immediately gravitating to his eerie Royal Purple eyes next as they flickered a little.

Definitely not.

“I’m Astel.” He answered with a raised eyebrow before returning to reading the papers of evidence and notes she had gathered, ignoring how her eyebrows were twitching at his completely worthless answer as his eyes widened.

“Someone’s trying to shut down Café Lutece!?” He exclaimed in surprise and horror as she raised an eyebrow, taken aback by how passionate he was about her and her husband’s Café. “No way! Where am I gonna get my Fonta and Coffee Beans every day??” 

Her lips twitched.

People liked her husband’s coffee? News to her.

“... Mr. Astel, I appreciate your concern, but-” She attempted to gently request that he leave before the court hearing began but was quickly interrupted by the man as he rolled the papers up and narrowed his eyes at her.

“Let me act as your attorney.” He demanded with a surprisingly severe expression as her brain short-circuited.

“Huh?”

[10 minutes later]

“Trust me, I’ve got this in the bag,” Astel reassured Marie with a confident grin as she rubbed her temples in exasperation and exhaustion, walking up the stairs alongside her new ‘attorney’ as they made their way to the booth they needed to stand in for the trial.

“... How did it get to this?” She tiredly muttered as Astel laughed and patted her on the back, his gait confident and reassured despite the hundreds of eyes now on them as they moved into their assigned booths.

Marie looked into the crowd and soon caught the serious eyes of her husband, letting out a helpless sigh once he raised an eyebrow at her and looked at her ‘attorney’. All she could do was shrug with a weak smile and turn to look at her opposition.

Standing across from them was the man threatening to shut down Café Lutece using this trial, Phillippe Orlan. She couldn’t see him very well due to the distance between them, but she knew that his mustache couldn’t hide the sleazy smirk he always had.

“Damn, he looks sleazy. Do you see that guy’s smirk?” Her attorney stated with a blink as he turned to look at her, surprising her at how he could somehow see Orlan’s smirk from so far away and recognize his disreputable nature from his appearance.

Perhaps she wasn’t as doomed as she thought. She might not end up as the first person in history to receive the death sentence.

Small mercies.

“Quite.” She replied simply with a small smile and watched as her attorney’s gaze turned to the Chief Justice of Fontaine (Iudex), Neuvillette, his eyes sparkling a little as he stared at the judge of her trial as if he was something to marvel at during this time.

“He looks neat.” He commented simply after turning away from the Iudex, leaving her flabbergasted at his plain conclusion. She barely managed to see the Iudex raise an eyebrow at her from where he was standing, making her hiss as she realized he must have heard Astel.

“May I assume that this man you brought alongside you is acting as your attorney, Miss Arouet?” The Iudex audibly spoke as she felt the gazes of everyone in the Opera Epiclese turning to her, making her lock up and stiffen while barely managing to squeeze out a nod.

“Yes. I, Astel, will represent Marie Arouet in this trial as her attorney today, your honor.” Her eyes widened a little as she heard Astel speak on her behalf without any fluctuation in his voice, a small smile on his face still despite the serious expression it held now.

“Very well. Since both parties are present, I declare that the trial regarding the claims against Miss Arouet’s establishment, Café Lutece, is now in session.” Chief Justice Neuvillete declared authoritatively, and she felt a shiver run down her spine at his declaration as the trial finally began.

The Iudex slowly moved his head away from the center of the room and towards the opposition, staring intently at Phillippe Orlan and his entourage as he calmly spoke again.

“Firstly, for the sake of the audience’s understanding of today’s trial, could we please have Mr. Orlan explain the charges he is pressing against Miss Arouet?” Marie winced a little as Orlan was given the chance to speak first, making her nerves act up a little before she composed herself and stared at the calm expression of her ‘attorney’.

“Why, of course, your honor,” Orlan spoke gruffly as his smirk finally receded in favor of a frown and furrowed brows. “I am accusing Miss Arouet of multiple breaches of Food Safety, Standards, and Licensing Protocols, as her establishment, Café Lutece, has repeatedly violated the law and caused me and several associates of mine cases of food poisoning and other similar ailments.”

The audience gasped dramatically at the accusation. Neuvillete calmly nodded toward the man, narrowing his eyes slightly and opening his mouth to speak again.

“I take your statement to be that you are accusing Miss Arouet of violating the FAF (Food Act of Fontaine) with several offenses against you and your associates then, Mr. Orlan?” Neuvillete repeated the man’s statement again to ensure no misunderstandings as the man nodded confidently with a slight smirk.

“Yes, your honor.”

“Very well. In that case, I call upon the defendant – Miss Arouet. Do you wish to refute his statement in any way?” Neuvillete finally turned his head away from the prosecution and towards the defense, staring at Marie momentarily before switching his gaze to Astel.

“Of course, Your Honor. Everything that my client, Miss Arouet, has been accused of by Mr. Orlan is a lie. The Café Lutece has not broken any FAF regulations and procedures. Mr. Orlan has fabricated his claims.” Astel spoke confidently as his smile turned upside down, and he turned to stare at Orlan with narrowed eyes.

Marie composed herself enough to stare at Astel exasperatedly, not understanding why it was so personal for him when he wasn’t the one being prosecuted.

The audience murmured a quiet ‘ooh’ at the direct rebuttal from Astel as they watched the Iudex nod his head in acknowledgment towards Astel and Marie before turning his head back to Orlan.

“My claims are not ‘fabricated’ in any way, Mr. Astel. In fact, I have brought the associates affected by Café Lutece’s incompetence to act as witnesses in this trial.” Orlan spoke with a grin as a member of his entourage stepped forward. “Charles, here is an acquaintance of mine. He recently visited the Café Lutece and ordered the Ile Flottante before falling ill due to the terrible handling and preparation of the food.”

Orlan gestured for Charles to speak, making the refined-looking gentleman nod and clear his throat.

“It’s true, your honor. I was coming home from work about a month ago. I decided to treat myself for the day, ordering an Ile Flottante from the recently opened Café Lutece. It was a truly atrocious experience, but I did not notice anything wrong except its horrible taste until I returned home. I was left bedridden for days after that abomination of a dessert!” The man testified while shaking his head in disappointment and disgust, glaring at Astel and Marie as he finished speaking.

“I believe you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions to verify your claims, would you, Mr. Charles?” Astel raised an eyebrow and gestured to the witness as Charles blinked in surprise before puffing his chest out and nodding.

“Of course. I have nothing to hide.” He stated proudly and crossed his arms as Astel smiled politely and nodded back.

“First of all, am I correct in assuming that you visited or hired a doctor for a check-up after your supposed ailment showed itself?” Charles blinked again at the question before slowly nodding his head. “May I ask what the symptoms and effects of your ailment were according to your doctor?”

“Well… I-I was sneezing quite a bit and felt quite unwell then.” Charles slightly stuttered as he tried to answer the question, his hand moving down to slowly move up and down the wrist of his other arm.

“Could you inform me of the name of the medicine that your doctor prescribed for you to use during the time you were ‘bedridden’?” Astel bluffed while crossing his arms and furrowing his brows, knowing he could not refute any name the man gave as he wasn’t aware of the names of medicines in this world.

It was alright, though. This was all part of Astel’s plan.

Keikaku intensifies.

“W-Well, I cannot claim to be very knowledgeable about medicine, and I was too sick to focus on the name of the medicine…” Charles stumbled a little before hastily pulling out a piece of paper and raising it. “However, I have a doctor’s note that should include all the information needed to verify my claim!”

“Allow me to inspect that.” Astel tilted his head down with closed eyes as Charles raised an eyebrow at his statement, wondering how he would inspect the piece of paper despite being so far away-

*POP*

“I see here that your bacterial infection is labeled under the name ‘Listeria’, correct?” A wide smile entered Astel’s face as he inspected the note written by a doctor, ignoring the flabbergasted expressions of the prosecution party and Marie.

Bingo. Astel found it. A bacteria similar to the ones he knew about and a common one.

That means that other ones may be present here as well!

“H-How… A-Ah, yes. That is the name of the ailment I was struck with from the food.” Charles nodded his head confidently despite his shock at the sudden disappearance and reemergence of the paper.

“And could you please confirm that the food you ordered in the Café Lutece was the Ile flottante?” Astel asked next with a calm smile as Charles narrowed his eyes, realizing that Astel seemed to be guiding him towards something.

“... Yes, that was what I ordered.” He reluctantly answered while nodding as Astel’s face split into a bright smile, and he clapped his hands together once.

“Perfect. That means that your ailment was unrelated to Café Lutece.” He confidently declared as Charles froze and Orlan’s eyes widened next to him. “After all, the Ile flottante is a dessert made using egg whites and placing them over a light sauce. Listeria is a bacteria found usually in foods consisting of dairy, meat, seafood, or raw vegetables. None of which are in Ile flottante.” 

The crowd erupted in quiet murmurs at Astel’s words as some of the audience gasped at the reveal, turning to look at the prosecution party with interest or suspicion as they waited to see how this would play out.

“T-That can’t be! The doctor surely made a mistake when attempting to figure out the exact bacteria I was infected by!” Charles quickly exclaimed in a panic as Astel nodded his head and threw the doctor’s note to Marie, who clumsily caught it in a panic.

“That is a possibility. I believe the bacteria found in eggs commonly should be Salmonella.” Charles piped up slightly, and a grin entered his face as he nodded hastily. 

“Yes, that must be it-” “Yet the symptoms written down on the doctor’s note do not match the usual symptoms of Salmonella whatsoever.” 

Just as Charles was about to claim that the doctor made a mistake in his check-up, Astel interrupted the man decisively and pointed to the paper in Marie’s hand as the woman nervously raised it slightly.

“You claimed that you sneezed quite a lot after being stricken with that ailment, correct? Salmonella is more commonly known to cause coughing rather than sneezing. Other symptoms include diarrhea, fevers, nausea, and other symptoms not mentioned in this note.” Astel did not let up the momentum and continued speeding forward, taking a step forward until he was at the edge of the rails and dramatically placing his hands on them.

“In other words, your claim is unrelated to the Café Lutece… Or completely false!” He raised a hand and pointed it towards Charles and Orlan as they recoiled back in shock while the audience gasped and cheered at the theatrical accusation.

“I-I…” Charles opened his mouth to try and refute, yet he couldn’t find any words he could speak to defend himself. He tilted his head down shamefully and stepped back into the group of people standing behind Orlan.

“... It seems your witness has been proven to have no relation to your claim against the Café Lutece, Mr. Orlan,” Neuvillete finally spoke again with a heavy tone as Orlan gritted his teeth. “Do you wish to revoke your statement against Miss Arouet?”

“No, your honor. One of my witnesses may have turned out to be… unrelated to my case, but my others will surely prove enlightening.” Orlan carefully worded his words so as not to appear angry as he glared at Astel.

Astel grinned. There was a chance the other witnesses would have too strong of a testimony to disprove, so he had to act now while he had the initiative.

*Clap. Clap. Clap.*

Orlan’s glare quickly disappeared as he saw Astel suddenly begin clapping with a smile, his hair falling down to hide his eyes from sight. Orlan noticed a slight smile on Astel’s face, giving him a bad feeling.

“Bravo, Mr. Orlan. I admire your drive and willingness to continue despite the odds against you…” Orlan’s eyebrows rose to the top of his face as his opposition suddenly praised him, his lips twisting into an ugly frown in annoyance at what he deemed mockery. “Unfortunately for you, it was futile from the very beginning.”

“What do you mean by that exactly, Mr. Astel?” The Iudex questioned with narrowed eyes as Astel turned to him with the same smile and nodded.

“Why do you think it was so easy for me to disassemble your associate’s fabricated testimony, Mr. Orlan?” Astel asked rhetorically before speaking again immediately before Orlan could protest against the ‘fabricated’ accusation. “It was because I was there when you planned everything, Mr. Orlan.”

Any protests Orlan was preparing immediately evaporated as he processed Astel’s words, his eyes widening at the connotations of what he just said as his hands moved to the railings, and he glared furiously at Astel.

“Impossible! The only one fabricating things here is you, Astel.” He gritted the name like it was something disgusting as Astel laughed calmly again and shook his head.

“Think about it, Mr. Orlan. Surely your perception isn’t that terrible… Have you not felt followed or watched recently? That little feeling at the back of your head…” Astel bluffed again as easily as he breathed with a small smirk, the paling of Orlan’s face signaling that his bluff worked. “... That was me.”

“N-No… That cannot be…” Orlan’s face paled harder as he realized what this meant, remembering all the times he felt his paranoia act up while he was dealing with the more… unscrupulous business.

Little did either of them know Astel wasn’t the one following him during those times. It was actually the Marechaussee Phantom.

“Oh yes, it can, Mr. Orlan. I have been watching you for quite a while now… All of the extortions, all of the bribery, all of the blackmail… I saw it all.” Astel revealed with a smile while ignoring the shocked and confused face of Marie behind him as the crowd gasped in awe at the twist. “Mr. Orlan… Your every move was seen by me, predicted by me, and planned around by me. In other words, Orlan…”

Astel brought his right hand out towards Orlan, extending it with a polite smile as he gazed directly into the man’s eyes.

“... Your every move up until this very moment… was all part of my plan.”

Silence overtook the entirety of the Opera Epiclese after that shocking reveal. The audience was left speechless at the ‘meticulous planning’ ‘Astel’ had undergone to catch and apprehend ‘Phillippe Orlan’. The silence was only broken by a girl squealing in excitement from somewhere in the building before enthusiastic murmuring traveled between the audience members.

All according to Keikaku.

Orlan had supposedly tried to extort Arouet some time ago, according to Marie, so Astel was using that as a basis to accuse him of extortion and blackmail. He could only guess that the man was also bribing the people with him to act as witnesses, as they shouldn’t have actually had any bad experiences with Lettuce Cafe.

Astel stared into Orlan’s eyes unblinkingly with the same small, calm smile as the gruff man paled further, his head suddenly turning red with fury as he slammed his fists down against the rails in front of him.

“You bastard! You cannot do this! F-Following me was a breach of my privacy and was against the law…” He yelled out angrily while gripping the handle of the rails, glaring furiously at Astel. “You- YOU! Who the hell are you!?”

Astel paused.

Saul? No, they won’t get it.

“Me? You can call me… The Ace Attorney.” Astel spoke gravely, closing his eyes as if that name held a more profound meaning. “As for ‘following’ you… I am merely a private investigator searching for despicable criminals like you. I simply did what any good citizen of Fontaine would do and upheld justice!”

Astel turned his head away from Orlan after that dramatic and passionate speech, turning to look at Neuvillette while reopening his eyes. 

“I believe the verdict should have been decided by now. Is that correct, your honor?”

Just as Astel spoke, the Oratrice behind Neuvillete tilted in favor of the defendant party. Astel smiled contently and nodded as he saw ‘her’ agree with him, hiding his inner glee at his successful gaslighting operation.

Reigen taught him well. He will eternally be grateful to the legendary gaslighter for his help in teaching him the ways.

He tilted his head with a slight frown as he noticed Neuvillette staring at him intently. He blinked innocently under the Iudex’s gaze as Neuvillette was forced to look away and eventually step forward.

“Yes, I believe that this trial is ready to be handed over to the Oratrice to make the final decision,” Neuvillete authoritatively spoke as the person handling the machine below activated the Oratrice, engulfing the entire Opera Epiclese in a blue light for several seconds after its activation until it eventually faded and allowed the building to regain its natural illumination.

The audience waited with bated breaths as the Chief Justice of Fontaine picked up the paper containing the Oratrice’s verdict, staring at the result detailing Marie’s fate silently for a moment before finally speaking.

“... Marie Arouet is officially declared “Not Guilty”!” Neuvillete announced loudly to the crowd as they all clapped with varying degrees of excitement, some merely clapping politely while others outright cheering for the exciting performance they witnessed today.

Astel noticed Neuvillette staring at some Melusines and nodding his head before the little mascots quickly began moving to follow whatever wordless command he gave. He ignored that for now and continued patting Marie on the back as she breathed a sigh of relief and caressed her temples.

“I… did not know you were-” “Shh.” 

Before she could mention her confusion regarding Astel’s bluffing, she was quickly silenced with a shush as Astel put a finger to his lips. Marie remembered the Iudex’s sharp hearing from earlier and promptly nodded her head, bowing it a moment later.

“I… am truly grateful for your help, Astel. I apologize for doubting you when we first met.” She spoke with gratitude as Astel laughed and shook his head, dismissing her apology with a wave.

“No, you were totally right to do that.” It just so happened that he was very good at gaslighting- persuasion. And that she was so nervous that she gave in within minutes once he pointed out all of the attention that’d be on her.

“Is there a way for my husband and I to repay you for the help you’ve granted us?” She asked with a concerned frown as she tried to think of something to offer him as thanks for his help, raising her head to look at him with furrowed brows as he nodded his head smugly.

“Comfee.” 

“... What?”

“Comfee.”

She looked at him strangely for a few moments. Eventually, she dismissed it as another one of his odd quirks with an exasperated sigh, unable to suppress a small smile from entering her face as she nodded.

“Very well then. Comfee.” She agreed as Astel nodded smugly again before suddenly turning around and looking towards a seemingly random direction in alarm. He turned back a moment later with an apologetic smile.

“I’d love to chat more, but duty calls. It was nice being your attorney today, but Saul Goodman has places to go before he’s captured by the bad guys.” Astel’s words made her eyes widen in alarm as she opened her mouth to ask what he meant and who Saul Goodman was, only to freeze as she saw him bringing his hands together in a clap. 

“Adios, amigo. Remember, if you ever need an attorney… You better call Saul!”

*Clap.* 

*POP*

“... And he’s gone.”

From that day onward, the legend of the Ace Attorney traveled across Fontaine. The legendary attorney who planned their opposition’s every move even before the trial.

… Probably. Marie wouldn’t doubt it in this country.

…

---

…

[Elsewhere]

*POP*

“China?”

“What’s a China?” A girl's voice sounded out from behind Astel as he turned around and saw a brown-haired young woman with unique bright scarlet eyes with white, blossom-shaped pupils.

It was Hu Tao!

“Oh neat, I’m in Liyue now.” Astel didn’t answer her question and began inspecting the bamboo forest all around him curiously, making the girl in front of him pout and start poking him with the back of her staff.

“Of course you’re in Liyue! And what’s a China?” She exclaimed in a curious tone while poking his stomach with the shaft of her Staff of Homa, making Astel huff and push away the staff to the side.

“It’s like Liyue but less cool.” He explained simply as Hu Tao let out a sound of understanding and nodded her head alongside Astel, who was nodding his head smugly at his own explanation. “No big dragons and stuff.”

“Lame.” Hu Tao agreed despite raising an eyebrow at the comment of having ‘no big dragons’, thinking that Astel was probably referencing Rex Lapis. Was he an Adepti? “Hey, hey, how did you suddenly just appear here? You weren’t there a moment ago, and then… pop! You were here.”

“Well, I was in Fontaine a moment ago after winning a case against some guy, but then I ran away since I felt someone watching me and found myself here,” Astel casually commented while ignoring Hu Tao’s incredulous expression, moving his head to look around again in search of something.

No pandas.

Sad times.

“Eh? But the teleport waypoint is all the way over there. How did you appear here?” Hu Tao blinked and pointed toward the teleport waypoint in the distance, narrowing her eyes in suspicion at Astel.

“Oh, neat.” Astel began walking towards the teleport waypoint as Hu Tao froze at how casually he forgot (ignored?) her question before she pouted and quickly followed after him.

“Hey! I still have questions, so you better not run away. You haven’t even introduced yourself. How rude!” Hu Tao complained while clubbing the back of his head gently with her staff again, smirking at his unamused stare as she continued hitting him.

“You approached me first, you know? You’re the rude one for not introducing yourself!” Astel retorted as he stepped next to the waypoint and touched it, activating it and feeling a connection form with the device.

Neat. Astel felt like he could come back here at any moment now, even if he wasn’t near any other waypoint. 

“Hmm… That is true. Very well. I am Hu Tao, 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.” Hu Tao stuck her chest out proudly as she introduced herself while grinning mischievously.

“Who?”

“Tao.”

They snickered impishly for several seconds before Hu Tao’s grin turned sly.

“You say it like this: Hu as in ‘Who put me in this coffin!?’, and Tao as in ‘I can’t geT OUt!’” She elaborated with a sly grin as she eagerly waited for laughter, wiggling her eyebrows at Astel as he stifled his snickers and nodded.

“I see! My turn, then. I am Astel. As in, ‘I stole this clock from the Opera Epiclese waiting room’.” Astel copied her way of introducing herself as he summoned the clock he had yoinked off the wall and held it proudly, watching as Hu Tao’s expression turned astonished at the sudden emergence of a clock and its Fontainian design.

“Heh?? You were actually in Fontaine?” She asked in surprise while inspecting the clock, realizing that the clock didn’t match Liyue’s current time and was closer to what she imagined Fontaine would be.

“Of course! I told you I was just done defending my favorite Cafe in Fontaine from being shut down by some guy as an attorney.” Astel crossed his arms with the giant clock in his hands, nodding smugly with his eyes closed before reopening them to stare blankly at Hu Tao. “... Don’t tell anyone.”

“What if I did?” Hu Tao questioned while smirking mischievously as Astel was forced to sigh in resignation and look at the stolen clock in his hands.

“I suppose there’s a lesson to be learned here. It’s just like the common saying says, ‘Don’t do the crime if you can’t take the time.’” Astel and Hu Tao snickered again as Astel held the clock out a bit more when he said ‘time’, the pun having its intended effect.

“How about this. You give me the clock you stole, and I don’t snitch on you to the Fontainian government!” Hu Tao suggested with a sly smirk as Astel’s ‘resigned’ expression twisted into a victorious grin.

“Got you! What you just did right there counts as blackmail, so I’d take you down with me if you snitched.” He stated smugly as Hu Tao’s eyes widened before she gritted her teeth and started smacking his arm with her staff again.

“Damn you, Astel! I will get my hands on that clock no matter what. Mark my words!” She vowed dramatically with ‘anger’ as Astel laughed haughtily and raised the clock above him.

“You will try, Hu Tao. But you simply do not have the time to achieve such a feat!” He declared smugly as the clock popped out of existence under Hu Tao’s ‘despairing’ expression. The two then snickered impishly again like a pair of goblins at the repeated pun.

“Aiya Aiya… I should introduce you to Xingqiu later. I’m sure he’d love to hear about your spontaneous visits to Fontaine.~” Hu Tao suddenly decided and placed her fist on her palm, the two stopping their snickering session after her comment as Astel blinked in surprise before smiling amusedly.

“I was actually in Mondstadt like a good 20 minutes ago.” Astel pointed out wryly as Hu Tao paused and scrunched her face at him in annoyance, moving her hands to her hips while digging the butt of her Staff of Homa into the ground.

“Huuuh? Do you enjoy just throwing yourself all around the continent or something?” Hu Tao asked with slight amusement despite her exasperation at his inconsistent location.

“Speaking of which, what direction is Liyue?” Astel suddenly clapped his hands together in realization and looked at Hu Tao with a serious expression as she blinked at his sudden seriousness before shrugging.

“Oya? Hmm, It should be that way roughly.” She pointed behind him in a seemingly random direction after a few seconds of thought, freezing a moment later as she turned around and narrowed her eyes at him. “What are you doing?”

“I’m boutta miscalculate this so fucking hard and end up in Inazuma.”

“What?”

*POP*

…

---

…

*POP*

“Oh dear god… I wish I miscalculated and ended up on Inazuma.” Astel breathed shakily as he finally landed on solid ground instead of in the salty, stormy oceans.

“... Are you alright?” Another person's voice made Astel look up from where he collapsed on the ground, finding a familiar character with platinum-blonde hair with a red streak going through the right side of it and red eyes that held a particular yellowish hue to it. 

“Oh… Hello, Canada.” Astel gasped and greeted as he sat up and looked at Kaedehara Kazuha, smiling in amusement as the aforementioned ‘Canada’ recoiled at the name and tilted his head in confusion.

“... My name is Kazuha. I apologize if you mistook me for this ‘Canada’ you speak of.” Kazuha explained with a slight frown as he extended a hand for Astel, helping him up from the ground.

“Oh, Canada is a trait, not a person. You’re Canadian Aether, for example.” Astel helpfully elaborated despite Kazuha’s growing confusion, giving him a grateful smile for the help as he looked around. “It seems I found a ship in only a few jumps while out in the ocean, huh? Nice.” 

“May I ask what you are doing so far from the shore, sir?” Kazuha carefully asked as he looked at the odd person in front of him weirdly. He remained respectful despite how strange Astel appeared to him.

“Oh, I wanted to go to Liyue, but I may have miscalculated my destination… a lot. I almost fell in the ocean twelve times.” Astel explained with a tired sigh as he dusted himself off, remembering the twelve times he almost fell into the ocean if not for him quickly teleporting himself again.

“... I see,” Kazuha slowly spoke while processing what Astel said. “May I have your name, traveler?”

“Oh, I’m not the Traveler. Well, I guess I am a traveler, but not the Traveler.” He explained helpfully despite Kazuha’s immensely growing confusion. “My name is Astel, though. Nice to meet you, Kazuha.”

“Likewise. I’m unsure what method you used to appear here, but I don’t believe it’s very safe for you to leave now. If you spoke to the Captain, you may be able to convince her to keep you until we reach Liyue.” Kazuha suggested with concern as he furrowed his brows, wondering how Beidou would react to the appearance of a random man on her ship.

“No need, I’m already here.” The aforementioned woman’s voice suddenly spoke out from behind one of the doors in the ship’s helm, the door sliding open to reveal the brown-haired, eyepatch-wearing woman in all of her glory as she walked out with a smirk. “I heard someone falling on the ship’s deck a minute ago but decided to let you handle it for a moment. I’ve been listening in for a while.”

Kazuha’s eyes widened a little before he nodded in understanding and turned to look at Astel, watching him grumble as he tried to wipe away a spot in his fur coat without glancing at the captain.

“... Mr. Astel.” Kazuha tried to warn him before anything terrible happened, stopping once Beidou raised a hand to signal for him to wait with an amused smirk on her face.

“Huh? Oh, hi.” He finally looked up at the Captain of the Crux after grumbling and letting go of his coat, greeting her with a small smile and an innocent blink. “What’s the situation? Are we pirating?”

“Haha! I may look like a pirate, but my vessel isn’t a pirate ship, believe it or not.” Beidou laughed boisterously at Astel’s words and moved forward to pat him on the back, blinking as she moved closer and had to look up at him. “... Damn, you’re tall.”

“Thanks, my mom made me. I think.” He nodded smugly at her words as if they were a compliment as she laughed again at his words. “... Wait, so we aren’t pirating? Damn, I wanted to find the One Piece.”

“The One Piece?” Beidou stopped laughing and curiously questioned as Astel smirked and crossed his arms smugly, looking as if he was about to impart some heavy information.

“The greatest treasure of the seas. It’s said that whoever finds the Legendary One Piece will have a treasure of unimaginable value and that the whole world will be shaken to its core. The one who finds this treasure would be known as the ‘Pirate King’.” Astel dramatically explained as he described the One Piece, completely enamoring Beidou with his explanation. Even Kazuha seemed mildly interested.

“Incredible… The Pirate King, eh?” Beidou grinned as she envisioned the treasure Astel described vividly, already imagining what and where it could be. “And what is the ‘One Piece’ exactly?”

“That’s the thing, no one knows…” Astel spoke with a whisper while glancing around for dramatic effect. “Only when someone reaches the end of the sea and finds “Laugh Tale’, the island that holds the One Piece, will the truth be revealed.”

Kazuha turned to Beidou with exasperation as he found her looking quite engrossed in the legend that Astel was detailing, an amused smirk on her face as she listened intently to the legend of the ‘One Piece’. He could tell she wasn’t convinced of its existence, naturally, but she was still paying close attention.

“Hah! And are you searching for this ‘One Piece’, by any chance?” Beidou laughed once Astel finished describing the legend of ‘One Piece’ before calming down and narrowing her eyes at Astel with a glint in her eyes.

“Not really. I’m not a pirate, so it’s not my fate to chase after an impossible treasure like that.” Astel shook his head with a small smile as Beidou’s eyebrows rose at his response, a grin entering her face as she chuckled.

“That so, eh? I’m not a pirate, per se, but I’ll keep an eye out for any word of the ‘One Piece’. Finders Keepers, after all.” Beidou grinned with the same glint in her eyes from earlier as Kazuha sweatdropped slightly, turning to look at Astel exasperatedly.

Was it his fate to chase after this ‘One Piece’ now that he joined this crew? He thought he would travel the world, not try to reach the end of its seas…

“Fair enough. So, where are we headed?” Astel nodded with a smile and turned to look at the sea, making Kazuha sweat and check Beidou’s reaction to Astel’s words as he assumed he was now part of ‘we’.

“Liyue, actually. You’re free to hang by until we reach port. I’d hate to throw a guy like you into the ocean when we’re still 6 days away from Liyue.” Beidou only seemed amused at Astel, smirking at his audacity even if he didn’t seem to be malicious.

“A week!? That’s way too long.” Astel exclaimed in horror and looked at Beidou resignedly before they suddenly hardened. “Hey, what direction is Sumeru?”

“Sumeru? Weren’t you going to Liyue?” Kazuha muttered with confusion before turning to Beidou, who tilted her head in amusement and pointed in a seemingly random direction in the vast ocean.

“That way, probably. I can’t be sure if I don’t have a map and compass on hand.” Beidou commented while keeping her eye on Astel, watching him nod his head thoughtfully and raise his hands.

“Okay. It was nice seeing you, friends, but I’m way too young to spend the first six days here on a boat!” He cheerfully spoke as Kazuha braced himself for whatever he was about to do, furrowing his brows in confusion at what he said.

First six days?

“What are you gonna do?” Beidou asked with a tilted head as Astel faced the position Beidou pointed at.

“Pop.”

“Pop?”

*POP*

…

---

…

*POP*

“... Well, at least I’m not drowning.”

Astel commented while glancing around at the lush and beautiful forest all around him, blinking as he finally teleported somewhere new without immediately finding someone nearby for the first time.

Not counting the twelve times he teleported in the middle of the ocean and had to do it again to not fall in and drown.

Astel heard a rustle from one of the nearby bushes and quickly sent out a spatial probe, sighing as he realized he wasn’t as alone as he thought. He looked around cautiously, acting like he didn’t know exactly where the person watching was.

“Hello?” He called out while stopping and turning to the bush that he heard rustling earlier, his face turning blank as the person watching him didn’t reply or stop looking at him.

He was gonna act like he didn’t know where they were to be nice, but this person didn’t seem to be planning on revealing themselves.

“... Uh, I know you’re there.” Astel pointed out dryly while slowly moving his head to stare directly at the person watching him. He watched as light turquoise eyes with orange-ringed yellow pupils immediately widened and moved from where Astel had matched its gaze.

Ah, so that was who it was.

“I’m not a bad guy.” Astel pointed out confidently before pausing and adding the last part hesitantly. “I think.”

“... How did you suddenly appear here without using a Waypoint?” The voice of a young man spoke as the person watching Astel walked out slowly from between the shrubbery, revealing a mane of gray hair that turned lighter at its end with a few locks with pale turquoise undersides.

It was Alhaitham! Dendro Keqing-

“I sneezed too hard and ended up here.” Astel answered ‘truthfully’, making Alhaitham stumble slightly at his reply. He composed himself and raised an eyebrow, probably unable to discern if Astel was serious or not because of his very, very convincing face.

Heh.

“... You sneezed too hard and somehow appeared here?” He repeated after Astel slowly while Astel nodded and crossed his arms smugly.

“Yeah, man. It’s the Salmonella, I’m telling you. I was just talking to some dude in Fontaine who was left bedridden for days because of it and couldn’t stop sneezing.” Astel doubled down on his statement and even brought evidence to the table while nodding his head and crossing his arms, missing the incredulous expression on Alhaitham’s face.

“... Salmonella’s symptoms do not include sneezing,” Alhaitham muttered with a tone between exasperation and resignation, unsure what to think about the… person before him.

He’d compare Astel to the sages at the Akademiya, but they’re actually somewhat intelligent and not completely incomprehensible when they speak. 

Though calling them intelligent may be too generous, according to Alhaitham at least. 

“That’s what I was saying! We concluded that he didn’t have Salmonella in the end.” Astel agreed with Alhaitham while smugly nodding as if he wasn’t convincing him that he was sneezing because of Salmonella a minute ago.

“... You’re a real idiot, aren’t you?” Alhaitham concluded after staring at Astel silently for a few moments, closing his eyes and sighing at Astel’s antics.

The only reason he was even bothering with Astel at this point was his curiosity regarding Astel’s teleportation. 

“I wouldn’t say that. I just won a trial as an Attorney in Fontaine barely an hour ago, you know?” Astel puffed his chest proudly as Alhaitham raised an eyebrow in surprise, furrowing them a moment later in suspicion.

“You did say you were in Fontaine… Did you arrive here from Fontaine?” Alhaitham asked next while trying to uncover how Astel appeared here from Fontaine, frowning as Astel shook his head.

“Nah, I was closer to Inazuma a minute ago,” Astel casually commented as Alhaitham twitched in irritation and took a deep breath to calm himself.

“So you were in Fontaine an hour ago… but then decided to go to Inazuma after you won a trial?” Alhaitham slowly questioned to make sense of Astel’s story, holding back a groan as Astel thoughtfully tilted his head before shaking it.

“Nah, I was in Mondstadt an hour ago. After Fontaine, I found myself in Liyue and met a nice girl who pointed me to the city. I accidentally overshot my telep- sneeze and ended up on a boat near Inazuma, though.” Astel helpfully recounted his experience to Alhaitham but accidentally slipped, mentioning his ability to teleport rather than ‘sneeze’.

Something that Alhaitham easily caught.

“Teleport? You’re capable of teleportation?” Alhaitham questioned with more interest in his tone as Astel stuck his tongue out in annoyance at having his lie fall apart.

“Oi, you’ve been asking questions this entire time without even introducing yourself, you know?” Astel pointed out while crossing his arms and not answering Alhaitham’s question, making the other man pause and sigh.

“... I suppose it would be considered rude to continue questioning you without offering my name at least. I am Alhaitham.” Alhaitham briefly introduced himself without offering any other details about himself, making Astel stare blankly at him for a few moments.

“Hm… You’re an introverted one, huh?” Astel mused quietly before quite literally apparating to Alhaitham’s side to pat him on the back. “It’s alright. I’ll be your friend now since you don’t seem to have any.”

…

Alhaitham’s mouth slowly opened in shock as Astel continued to pat him on the back with a bright smile. He was left speechless at Astel’s sudden teleportation to his side and his declaration of being his new friend.

He slowly opened and closed his mouth to try and say anything, unsure of what he should speak about first after Astel’s sudden teleportation.

If Astel had wanted to hurt him, he could’ve attacked before Alhaitham realized something was wrong.

“Oh yeah, I’m Astel.” Astel realized that he hadn’t introduced himself yet and quickly did so, a smirk on his face as he wrapped an arm around Alhaitham’s shoulders. “Hey, hey… Wouldn’t you have an extra Akasha Terminal to lend to your best friend? I wanna meet the Radish.”

“... Get your arm away from me,” Alhaitham sharply ordered while narrowing his eyes as Astel raised his hands in surrender and let go. “No, I do not. And what Radish do you speak of?”

“Everyone’s favorite Radish, obviously.” Astel rolled his eyes as if Alhaitham was being ridiculous in asking that question before glancing around at his surroundings. “Where are we again?”

“... We’re not too far from Gandharva Ville, though I doubt that means much to you.” Alhaitham tiredly answered as he was slowly getting used to Astel’s spontaneous nature, something that made him feel bitter because he did not want to get used to Astel.

“Nah, that’s where the Forest Watchers have their base.” Astel casually commented as Alhaitham blinked at his knowledge before eventually shrugging, not overthinking it as it wasn’t elusive knowledge. “What are you doing here all alone?”

“... I have some business to take care of.” Alhaitham promptly answered without revealing anything again, making Astel sigh exasperatedly and lightly glare at him.

“No fun… Alright, I’ll leave you to your ‘business’.” Astel sighed again dramatically and turned around, missing the way Alhaitham’s eyebrows were twitching as he reached out and grabbed Astel’s shoulders.

“... You never answered my question.” Alhaitham reminded Astel with a blank stare. “And you shouldn’t be out here alone. The withering could harm you if you stumble across it.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. You just need to have some degree of elemental power, right?” Astel reached for a nearby branch in a tree, the branch immediately flourishing in size and growing leaves thanks to the Dendro energy flowing through it under Alhaitham’s incredulous expression. “Thanks for worrying though, best friend!”

“... You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you? How annoying.” Alhaitham’s eyebrows twitched in irritation before he exhaled deeply and glared at Astel. “I’m not your ‘best friend’, you’re just mentally ill.”

“And you’re an introvert, so who’s really losing here?” Astel retorted without missing a beat while patting Alhaitham’s back again despite the latter’s annoyance. “Anyway, I should probably head out before I get mauled by whatever’s in this forest. See you around, homie.”

“Oi, you never answered how you can teleport…” Alhaitham grabbed Astel again by the shoulder before he could leave as Astel snickered.

“Hatch.”

“... Hatch?”

“Achoo!”

*POP*

“... I don’t know how, but I’ve found someone I’d like to interact with less than Kaveh,” Alhaitham spoke with slightly gritted teeth as Astel’s body disappeared from under his hand.

…

---

…

*POP*

“Mondstadt, I have returned!” Astel loudly announced while placing his hands on his hips and ignoring the girly scream behind him, broadly smiling as he spotted the actual city of Mondstadt in the distance.

Astel stared at the city's walls far away for a few seconds before finally turning around to see who he had startled, finding a young woman in witch’s clothing staring at him with widened sea-green eyes. Her witch’s hat almost slipped off her waist-length dark purple hair, which turned slightly red at its end from what Astel could see.

It was the second brokest character in Genshin Impact, Mona!

“YOU! You…! Y-You…” Mona exclaimed angrily while her tone turned weaker and weaker, her eyes increasingly widening as she stared at Astel.

“Me! Hello.” Astel held out a peace symbol with his hand while blankly staring back at Mona as her mouth gaped more with every second she stared at him, possibly seeing or sensing something he didn’t with her astrology girl nonsense.

Astel bets 100 mora she’s gonna say something like ‘You’re a Scorpio!?’ or ‘You’re a Gemini!?’.

“You’re not from this world!?”

Fuck. Who’s Astel paying?

“True! Please keep quiet about that, or the border patrol of Teyvat will come after my ass to deport me back to… Brazil or something.” Astel brought his hands together pleadingly as Mona’s jaw opened and closed a few times. “They don’t like immigrants like me.”

“B-Border patrol? I-Immigrant!? What are you talking about!?” Mona asked with incredulity as she readjusted her hat on her head and narrowed her eyes at Astel.

“The ops, Walter. They’re trying to shut down this whole operation.” Astel revealed in a grave tone as Mona’s eyebrows twitched. She crossed her arms and raised the book she was using as a catalyst to summon one of her hydro circles, doing something with the weird symbols.

“... Give it up. I can still sense that you’re messing with me, even if I can’t predict your future.” Mona grumbled in annoyance as Astel sighed and puffed his cheeks out, the childish expression not matching his mature face. “What are you doing here, Outlander?”

“Outlander? Really? Next you’ll tell me that the Arrogation of Mankind ends now.” Astel slowly blinked at Mona with a blank look as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his words. “As for what I’m doing, well… Good question.”

“You have no idea what you’re doing here.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing here.” Astel agreed.

“Hmph… Well isn’t that just great.” Mona huffed and rolled her eyes as Astel smiled apologetically. “I have no clue what to do with someone like you, but I’d recommend that you don’t do anything major for now.”

“Does acting as an Attorney in a trial in Fontaine in front of the Iudex and the Hydro Archon count as something major?” Astel tilted his head curiously, smirking as Mona sputtered and scrunched her nose at him. “I won, by the way.”

“How long have you been in Teyvat!?” She questioned with exasperation as Astel smugly crossed his arms.

“Like an hour and a half at max.” He proudly stated under Mona’s disbelieving gaze, pulling a few items he had gotten during his jumps all around Teyvat. “I got souvenirs. This one’s from Starsnatch Cliff over at the other side of the country, this one’s from Liyue’s bamboo forest, and that- that’s a rock that some fish threw at me while I was going over Inazuma’s oceans.”

Mona’s face twisted into something ugly as she stared at all of the ‘souvenirs’ Astel was proudly showing off, her eyes looking at the items in envy as she probably imagined having the ability to explore new locations and gather items at her leisure at that speed.

“... You’re capable of long-range teleportation across Teyvat,” Mona stated with no small amount of envy in her tone as Astel smirked and smugly nodded. “Hmph… I suppose I should aid you in acclimating to this new world as the kind Astrologist that I am. You could certainly be useful enough to make up for the trouble…”

“Uh-huh, and where do you live again?” Astel innocently asked while hiding his laughter as Mona stiffened up and cleared her throat, knowing that she didn’t have anywhere to live yet as she was… mora-less.

“W-Well, you see… Here in Teyvat… We um…” Mona stuttered to try and justify her nomadic nature, failing to come up with any excuse. 

“You’re broke.” Astel cut her off while barely suppressing his smirk as she froze and turned to look at him indignantly, opening her mouth to protest but failing to push anything out of her lips.

“... As if you can talk, Outlander. How much Mora do you have?” Mona pointed out irritably while placing a hand on her hips as Astel nodded and brought a hand to his chin.

“I may not have Mora, but I do have a Fontainian Clock I got from the Opera Epiclese.” Astel pulled the clock he stole out again with a prideful smirk, watching Mona’s face twist in exasperation as she inspected the clock in his hands. Her hands moved over the clock carefully, raising an eyebrow as a glint entered her eyes. “I don’t like that look.”

“... I know a place where you can pawn something like this for quite a hefty amount of Mora.” Mona slowly spoke as a devious smirk enveloped her lips. “If you promise to split the profits with me in half, I’ll lead you there.”

“Half!? What a scam… I’m the one who went through all of the trouble getting this clock over the borders of several countries, yet you think you deserve half simply because you know a place to sell this?” Astel scoffed and crossed his arms without a shred of shame on his face as if it hadn’t been a piece of cake stealing the clock and moving it across countries.

“Hmph… You must also consider the value of having me by your side during negotiations. I am capable of divining the intentions of those I am speaking to and can easily tell if they’re lying to us.” Mona smugly pointed out as Astel’s eyes narrowed at her words, the gears turning in his head as he contemplated the value of Mona’s help.

“Hm. It’s a pleasure doing business with you, partner.” Astel lifted the giant clock with one hand and extended the other out for a handshake as Mona smugly pushed her hair to the side and took the handshake.

“I am Astrologist Mona Megistus, and the pleasure is all mine.” Mona’s grin was downright devilish as she imagined all of the equipment and books she’d buy, completely ignoring the blank look Astel was giving her as she gripped his hand.

“I’m Astel, and I’m gonna annoy you from now on since you now know my big secret.” Astel unashamedly declared as Mona scrunched her nose at him again in annoyance, sighing as the clock disappeared from Astel’s grasp to wherever he was storing it.

“How quaint… I can’t wait.” Mona replied sarcastically and dismissed the catalyst floating by her side this entire time. “Follow me. The city we’re going to now is called Mondstadt.”

“Did you forget when I was listing where I got my souvenirs a moment ago? Do you think I’d know Starsnatch Cliff and not Mondstadt?” Astel spoke in a blank tone that made Mona grit her teeth and glare at him with the tiniest flush on her cheeks.

“Forgive me for caring enough to at least attempt to inform you of the basic information of this world so you don’t make a fool of yourself while here.” Mona slowly gritted out as Astel laughed in amusement at her fury.

“I’ll ask if I need anything. Thanks for trying, at least, Mon Mon.” Her head snapped to Astel at the nickname before she swallowed what she was about to say and grumbled under her breath.

“I’m going to launch you into space so that the stars can take you back to where you came from,” Mona promised under her breath as Astel stopped walking, something she noticed after a few silent moments as she turned around to look at him in confusion. “... What?”

*POP*

Astel suddenly appeared in front of her with a grin, teleporting to her side and reminding her what his power was as Mona’s eyebrows twitched dangerously.

“... I think I hate you.”

…

---

…

New fic. Awooga.

I would like to point out that I have never been in court in my entire life and have only briefly played Ace Attorney. And the Court in Fontaine is meant to be theatrical anyway, so leave me alone if the trial was meme-y. It's not about the money, it's about sending a message.

Ok I'm done. See you soon homies. 

Also hi Scribblehub. I'm gonna be posting here from now on since I was recommended Scribblehub by Cam some time ago. I probably shouldn't start with my semi-crack/comedic fic, but I just began this story and it's a lot easier to post than my 10-20 chapter fics (and I write 10k words minimum in chapters, so that's like a million words to edit and post). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I know it's not everyone's type of fic, but it's funny and I enjoyed writing this. Have a pleasant day homebreros.

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I have a Patreon now by the way! If you want to see the next chapter early or want to support me, check it out! (Warning: This is my first chapter and I have yet to post any more for patrons yet. There are not any early chapters for this fic yet, going there would be only to support me. You've been warned.)

Be sure to check my discord out while you’re at it. We fuck around sometimes in there. 

See you all later!

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