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A smelly cute kiss made me crazy?

Edited by: Trismegistus Shandy
Beta Read by: Yuki Kitsune, M A Thermidor

A note about my day from the perspective of the cured Iris:

Marigold and Aimi mercilessly ragged on me until I agreed to tell the story about what happened to me while Marigold had another showdown with that Camel Sandwich!  Hahahahaha! Yeah, I want to make sure history remembers Camelia under that wonderful name Aimi gave her! Hmmmm… what’s a Camel, though? Aimi never could really explain it.  She said to me that it’s a big animal with humps, and you can ride it. I thought about some animals I knew about and have seen and I came to the conclusion that it might be a particularly horny one.  If it’s big, I don’t think I’d ever want to meet one!

Anyhow, my day more or less went like this:  I annoyed Aimi, though my affection for her was probably too unrestrained.  They say you pick on the people you like most. When your mind is like a baby’s, there’s absolutely no filter present to keep you from doing dumb things.  Well, I was still me, the amazing Wilted Rose’s Queen of Thievery! That’s who I am no matter what my condition is! I’d tell you something about my past, but if I went into those details now, it wouldn’t go well. After all, they asked me to tell you what happened to me on that day. Marigold would probably tie me up and strand me in the Wildflower Funeral Plains if I went on about myself unasked! No, I don’t really think Marigold would do that to me.  She’s a good girl, but sometimes she scares me.

Augh… I’m going on about stupid things.  No, don’t hurt me Marigold! Okay! I messed with Aimi a lot, and I do regret it... a little. Well, it’s her fault this time because she annoyed me. When she tried to force-feed me Marigold’s simple soup, which is pretty much the only thing she can cook, I was angry.  Maybe my taste for grass was born of that frustration. I can’t cook, and Marigold’s soup is decent, but when you’ve had a certain dish every day for years, you probably would rather eat grass! Why didn’t I steal bread or a fine meal? I’ve done that in the past, but if I stole too much from the people of Wilted Rose, I’d have ended up a pariah for different reasons besides being a victim of Funeral Plague.  Anyhow, eating grass was one of those annoying compulsions. I hated the taste of grass, and always will. I gorged myself on grass while vomiting it. Ugh, it’s so embarrassing!

Enough of that! I don’t want to relive those days! So... Aimi annoyed me so much I started terrorizing her tail pretty mercilessly. I’d seen that it was her biggest weak point in the bath house, and I automatically exploited it. It’s the instinct of a natural rogue!  I have a few other… inclinations… and with the mind of a baby, I-I don’t remember anything else I may have done clearly…

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!!!! An interruption by Marigold: !!!! Iris totally does remember!  I can’t force Iris to to tell me what she did to Aimi, and even she won’t talk about it.  It’s probably why she didn’t put it down in her memoirs herself.

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Resumption of Iris’ day:

D-damn it Marigold… it’s not good to doubt the honesty of a good friend! So, I messed with Aimi. When she was passed out afterwards, I thought about something more amazing I could do… well, her… you know… I stole her new panties.  They looked so cute! I’d wanted to take them when Marigold gave them to her. At the time, I was easily distracted. So when I remembered, I swiped them. At the time, it was one of the greatest feats of thievery that I could consider under the circumstances. Well, it’s not like it was hard to do. Stealing Aimi’s panties even when she’s wearing them is like stealing candy from another baby. In my baby-like mind, that was a victory.

I unlocked the door, because no lock is a bar to me, particularly not when a door is locked on the side you’re on.  I left with her panties. Uh, I’m sorry, Aimi… they were in my mouth. They didn’t have as much flavor as I’d expected.  I didn’t really chew on these as much. I made my way to the grassy square and rolled around in the grass for a while. While I was doing that, I was mostly oblivious to the gazes of people around me. Peripherally, I noticed and recorded those expressions. I’ll always remember the pity and contempt in their eyes and the other eyes averted away from me, expressing similar emotions. Why did I notice despite being oblivious and having the mind of a baby?  That’s simple! I have the godly eyes of a queen of thievery! The best thief in the world is always aware of their surroundings. If you’re caught on the job, and you can’t escape or react, you’re certainly not one of the best!

When I got to the square, I gorged on grass, and I hated it the whole time.  I had to take the panties out of my mouth to do that so I ended up forgetting about them.

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Fun Fact from Kami:

Iris was flopping dangerously towards a pile of manure.  A bit earlier, a visiting adventurer had stopped to let his bounder graze before continuing later that day onwards towards the Wildflower Funeral Plains.  Onlookers saw one demented girl grazing next to a bounder. What is that, you wonder? It’s the most popular mount available in Gardenia. It’s most useful for messengers for its speed and utility. Adventurers sometimes like them, too.  So, in Iris’ fervor to fill her mouth with grass, she inadvertently ended up eating its droppings. Don’t kiss someone with that mouth, Iris, and stop trying to peek up my skirt!

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I hate you, Goddess, by Iris:

Auuuughh! Why did you have to add that to Aimi’s memoirs?  Do you hate me? Well, I hate you too! I tried to erase those damning words, and I couldn't.  After that, I tried to cross them out, and found that apparently it’s impossible to destroy the words of a Goddess!  I tried dropping Aimi’s memoirs into the river, and somehow they wound up back in Aimi’s diary pouch! I tried to burn them, and somehow I ended up setting my clothes on fire instead!  I hate you! I’ll steal that idol again and I promise I’ll do terrible things to it!!! Hahahahaha!

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Iris’ continuance of her day’s account:

Ahem… I couldn’t erase that recording, either!  Okay, fine…

I quit the scene and I’d lost track of Aimi’s panties. I’m not sure where they ended up, maybe in a pile of manure.  I’m sorry, Aimi!

I made my way up the street through the residence areas and found my way onto the main boulevard.  It’s really hard getting around when all you can do is flop around on the ground, but I’m tenacious! Something like that would never defeat me!

I was pretty much entirely avoided by the other burghers.  I found out that I’d been named the dunce of Wilted Rose. Most who contract Funeral Plague don’t live long, nor do they have the capabilities that I did.  Someday I’ll make them rename me Wilted Rose’s Queen of Thievery!

So I headed up the bridge and over it.  This is the part where I get Aimi back for having me write all this in her memoirs! An eye for an eye is another one of those important thieves’ rules! When I finally crested the arch of the bridge, I saw the bath house on the other side in its post-Aimi state. I noticed that it was totally ruined.  There were squareish holes perforating it. There was a heavy scent in the air that was really cloying.

I saw a familiar attractive woman standing next to the wrecked hulk of the bath house. She looked pretty annoyed.  She was actually the extremely attractive manager of the bath house. She was puffing on a smoke tube. I never really cared much for that habit, as it’d have impacted my stamina. Despite her waspish nature, my eyes locked onto her legs under her high quality robe’s hem.  Those legs looked delicious to me. She ignored me as I came close to her as most did. When I reached her, I started licking and gnawing on her legs. Maybe my fetish for nice legs translated to a need to nibble and lick them, or maybe it was just the easiest part of a person I could reach. She shrieked and hollered as she started flailing. She actually kicked poor, little me! How mean, right?  

In my defense, as I said, I just like a nice pair of legs.  I really do like to look up a skirt, too, though. That’s innocent, right? You’re just looking, you’re not hurting anyone!  Anyhow, that’s the reason why I imprinted on Aimi so much in that condition. When I first saw her, wearing that ragged skirt at the time, my eyes latched onto her cute legs immediately! I couldn’t resist my basic urges. I’m glad that she was way kinder to me than most. Yeah, I’m writing here because I owe you for that kindness, Aimi!

What happened next confused me, and I still don’t understand it. When the proprietress flailed around in an annoyed panic, her smoke tube went flying and landed in a puddle around the ruin of the bath house.  We gaped when the rest of the bath house went up in flames instantaneously! We were blown across the street! Everyone was stunned as they witnessed the rest of the bath house turning into mushy ashes. Had that explosion had something to do with me? At least the bath house was already wrecked, right?  It’s not like it could have been repaired.

She pummeled me pretty savagely in the wake of that incident, but I was shocked when I was rescued by an equally angry person.  I recognized Camelia’s legs as she neared me while I was being pummeled. She lifted her fingers and cast them in our direction. It was perhaps because she was on a rampage due to her last encounter with Marigold and Aimi.  She sent the manager flying with her earth magic. The manager slammed into the building across the way. For some reason, her robe shredded instantly. She was plastered to the wall in the shreds of her robe. Camelia collected a ring of sand and dirt that still savagely circled her.  She even frightened me in that condition. She looked as calm as I am before a big job.

She turned those smoky eyes towards me and rolled her eyes.  Her legs are some that I wouldn’t crawl towards. Maybe it was my internal alarm that kept me alive. I guess that instinct failed me epically when it came to the bath house manager.  I heard the manager moan as she passed out. Carmelia knelt down next to me. The ring of dirt and dust around her abruptly dropped to the street loudly. I was twitching and hurt, so she was able to seize my head. Her grip on my head was like iron. I flopped weakly, struggling.  I resigned myself to further pummeling, what with the mood she seemed to be in.

My eyes were fastened on hers as I gaped at her, drooling. Then she upended a crystalline flask over my mouth. Its contents poured into my mouth.  I gurgled and struggled weakly. I’d thought she was going to pummel me and now I started to think she was trying to drown me. I was forced to swallow some of it with my gurgling and flailing. I felt tired afterwards, but then I felt better than I had felt in quite a while.  She held me like that for a while as she eyed me darkly. She looked like she was deliberating on what her next steps should be. When I think back on it now, I think she was debating over whether or not she wanted to kidnap me. She gracefully stood and re-engraved her expensive-looking crystalline flask to her arcarray.  To me at the time, her expression was indecipherable. I watched her shrug as she walked away.

“You’re her mess, not mine.  Go back to your foolish grazing,” Camelia murmured as she walked onwards, leaving me behind.  I’m amazed that she was able to force me to drink something even as beneficial as ambrosia. Marigold was never able to bring herself to be that forceful with me.  

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Back to Aimi’s story!

When Marigold-onee-sama had recovered her composure, the owner of the tavern walked over to her, and he was mean!  I guess he didn’t like kitties much. I don’t know why; kitties are cute, right? Uuuuuu!

“If you’re finished with gaping like a fool,” the manager of the tavern griped, “and standing there all the while blocking the entranceway of my business, would you mind taking that cat home?  Pets are not welcome in here.”

“Why?” Onee-sama gasped. She held her sword unsheathed even now after that cool stunt she’d done where she’d sliced open Camelia’s bodice!   She hadn’t thought to sheathe it, so she raised it up over her head as she yelled at him. I saw him flinch and his eyes widened as he drew away. Onee-sama went on as he started crying for help. “Bushi are people, too!  Don’t be a jerk! Even if most of them don’t come near us, they have a great reason to avoid us because of people just like you!” she snarled, then blushed, ending her tirade. I think she thought about how the situation looked, and she quickly sheathed her sword.

I realized Onee-sama could be in serious trouble. “I… I’m sowwy…” I squirmed and fidgeted as I bounded over towards the tavern’s manager.  “I caused you lots of trouble, mister. I’m so sowwy!” I got down to my knees and bowed deeply in front of him. My tail stood straight up above me, thrashing nervously.  My ears flicked and I peeked up at him through lowered eyelashes.

“A-Aimi-chan! Don’t bow to him!  He’s just…” Marigold-onee-sama tugged at my skirt to cover my butt, which I hadn’t noticed was sticking in the air, and I wasn’t wearing panties because of Iris-chan!  Noooooooo!

“Uuuuu… please forgive me!” I cried out, crying obliviously.  “I made so much trouble for everyone!” I heard more than a few chuckles and a lot of murmuring as people watched from their tables around their meals and drinks.  We had become a dinner show, somehow.

The manager stared at me then; he had an oddly red face. I thought he was going to hurt me, his head was so red.  Instead of that, he turned away and sighed, coughing. “Yeah… my bad. Cats are people too. Now would you mind leaving, you two?”  He turned his back to us and the waitresses watched raptly, blinking as they clutched trays to their chests.

When I didn’t move, he growled again and I flinched, running for the door in a panic.  Instead of insults, I heard him yell towards the waitresses. “Girls, get back to work! Enough of that gaping!  I’m not paying you to stand around and stare! My customers are becoming restless!” He clapped his hands together loudly.

I was already out of the tavern by then.  The first thing I saw was a dirty, disheveled Iris. Her clothes were more grubby and torn than before.  I rushed over to her and glomped her. Iris blubbered and drooled as she looked up into my eyes. I gasped when she sat up and kissed me again!  It tasted even worse this time! I can’t even describe that taste well, I think there was a faint taste of that stuff that Onee-sama drinks, and there was a heavier taste of something else. Other than those it still tasted like semi-freshly mowed grass.  “Noooooo!” I cried out as I hiccuped. My mind was starting to get a little fuzzy. Was it because of the kiss?

Onee-chan gasped when she noticed me acting strangely!  A strange creature with a man riding it hopped by, and Onee-sama did something that shocked me.  She charged out in front of the creature. It was bounding towards her and it looked like it would trample her. Instead when it hit, Onee-sama used an aura that looked like a shield.  The creature ran straight into it and was stopped dead in its tracks. It shook its head as its rider went flying over Marigold-onee-sama to crash into the street.

“Where are you going?” Onee-sama asked the man, woozilly climbing to his feet in the street.

“Are you freaking insane? Why did you do that? You could have broken my mount’s neck and my own!” he yelled at Onee-sama.

“Answer the question.” Onee-sama turned a stern gaze on the man.

He flinched when she turned those eyes on him. “Well, no matter.  Maybe I was too fast to ride through the burgh here. I’m on my way to the Wildflower Funeral Plains to make a name for myself!” he laughed. “I had a great breakfast, and those waitress were just amazing!  Goddess, those amazing butts! Haha! Beautiful flowers of all types grow here!”

Meanwhile, I started giggling uncontrollably.  I didn’t know why everything around me was suddenly really funny to me.  Iris twitched and drooled on my dress. If I was in my right mind, I’d have been repulsed by that as her drool would further stain my dress.

My giggling ended suddenly as I heard Marigold-onee-sama punch the guy.  She’d flattened him and everyone in the street stared at her and started mumbling.  She looked at everyone onlooking and gaping. “Sorry! I-it’s for his own good!”

Marigold-onee-sama gathered me under one arm and Iris under the other and leapt atop the creature with amazing strength that stunned me!  The creature shrieked and leapt high up into the air. Somehow she barely managed to keep hold of us and stay atop it. I immediately was sick all over the street as it jerked away.  I vaguely noticed that Iris was sicking up too. Onee-sama dug her knees into the creature’s torso as it leapt towards the bridge. When we crested it, the bounder leapt so high into the air I thought we were flying! I could see everything even better than before, except I was pretty messed up.  I screamed and cried in fright, and I heard Iris squealing more like a thrilled baby. I’d felt a strange sensation building up inside me all the while. All that jumping made me feel a little more sober so I could at least remember the things I saw.

Marigold-onee-sama looked gallant and beautiful; her blonde hair was streaming behind her.  I saw a large building on the left and a familiar figure was standing at its gates, on the point of entering.  I knew that face: Camel the Sandwich! She watched us go with a mysterious expression as we charged towards the Wildflower Funeral Plains.