I'll Be Horned For Christmas

By DerbyGhost

Santa’s Cookies – Irish Cream and a Vanilla Vodka put the “ho!” into your hohoho. Your cheeks will be bright and red like the jolly old elf himself!

“So Parker, s’always a Parker mind you, he says that our department needs to put in the extra work to get the project out and ready to the head investors before Christmas. I haul ass from Thanksgiving until literally yesterday to put in hours upon hours of unpaid overtime. And you know what, Parker isn’t there the whole time. He said he was ‘taking this time to really focus on his family while we finished the fight.’ God I couldn’t stand him.” As the drinks were pouring in, I had begun pouring out my soul a little bit to Ashley. It turned out the flight attendant was an amazing conversation partner, we spent the better part of an hour getting to know each other. Everything was rad until the conversation turned to what I did for a living which then led to this particular rant. 

“That’s soooo so so so awful. Did they pay you at least?” She looked so earnest when she asked that question, I didn’t really have the heart to answer it as harshly as I wanted to. 

“Ehhh, not really. I’m going to get paid in residuals or get a bonus if it ends up selling well. But that’s not even the worst part. So yesterday, the new date of the office holiday party, we’re all getting merry and Parker comes in and says he has to tell us all the bad news. Because of some bad investments, corporate was pulling the plug on our branch. They basically wanted to squeeze every last drop of work out of us before cutting us loose, the bastards.” 

“That’s not just awful! That’s the worst!!! At the holiday party of all places? How…” Her honeyed voice trailed off for a second. “Oh biscuits, the Holiday Party. Ah shit, it’s after 8. The Three Horned Goat should be open by now. Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits. I never miss their Christmas party.”

“Oh,” I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice but from the look on her face it seemed like it snuck in anyway. “Yeah I guess you’re busy. Makes sense. You did say you were waiting for a party.” 

Ashley fidgeted with her uniform for a moment, leaving me in the weird in-between space of waiting to be included in someone else’s plans. I didn’t want to straight-up ask her if I could come with her to the party. That would be needy and desperate. 

But the thing is, I was needy and desperate. And spending time with her had so far been the one bright light on my otherwise blasé pathetic little Charlie Brown tree. “I know this is absolutely the worst thing to ask but… is it possible that I could tag along. To the party, that is? I probably can’t get on your next flight to who knows where.” 

“I’m… not sure Rudolf.” Trevor apparently ‘didn’t suit me’ so she had been continuing to call me Rudolf all night. She seemed to be chewing over her words, finding just what she wanted to say. “The Horned Goat can be a little much for new people. And Chappell the bartender wants to keep it a-ah what the hell. You wanna come? Why not? Now I will say that people can get a little… hmm you know what, I’ll wait til we get there to talk about it.” She shot up out of her chair, grabbing her cozy looking jacket with a fluid ease. Up next was grabbing my hand, yanking me up with surprising strength based on her frame. When our hands connected there was a brief chill, but before I could even comment she let me go. 

“Oh h-hey watch it.” I tried to look anywhere besides directly at Ashley, otherwise she would have seen how damn hard I was blushing. “What about our tab?”

“Oh, Kev the bartender is a work buddy! He already knows to charge our drinks to UL’s running tab. Airline employees gotta help each other out. And besides, He knows we’re good for it, and he knows he can give himself a nice hefty tip off of it too. Isn’t that right bud?” The bartender nodded, and I guess that meant our conversation was over. Next thing I knew she was yanking on my arm as we took off through the terminal. While beforehand I was but a helpless observer to Ashley’s supernatural ability to duck and weave through traffic, now I was an official participant.

For a moment I flailed, trying in vain to dodge as well as Ashley. There was a bizarre grace to the way she seemed to be able to handle sudden shifts in pedestrian traffic. Meanwhile I looked like the aftermath of a cartoon character meeting a banana peel. I was able to dance around a group of confused tourists planted in front of the Departures screen before disaster struck. A family of five in matching Disney shirts led by a dad that seemed about one step away from a full-blown holiday meltdown came barreling my way. My sidestep had put me directly in his path, and he certainly didn’t seem like the kind of person who would stop for a random stranger. All I could do was grit my teeth and brace myself for the blow that was surely to come. 

It was then, once I accepted my fate, that I felt an icy cold shock to my system. I, personally, naturally run warm. Everyone in my family does. My mom used to joke that somewhere along the line someone must have slept with a demon, and we have since been blessed by being nice and toasty in the wintertime. And our family heat truly can’t be matched. Sometimes people said they had cold hands, but it wasn’t until this moment that I met my exact polar opposite. Quick as a flash, Ashley had dipped back and grabbed my arm, saving me from turning this airport into the Unhappiest Place on Earth. 

If the Disney Dad knew how close we had come to a collision, he didn’t show it. Instead he kept stomping on, followed by his harried looking wife and collection of kids. She mouthed a quick “sorry about that” before shepherding her kids further into the maddening crowd leaving us to catch our collective breath. 

“Whew, that was a close one.” Ashley whispered, dangerously close to my ear. “I guess I have to worry about you getting lost, huh? Stumbling around here with all of the other reindeer.” Before I could say anything she wrapped her ice cold fingers around mine. “Oh my God, you’re so warm!”

“C-c-cold!” I stammered, blushing. “What the heck, Ashley, you’re so cold.”

“Yeah, it’s a blood condition or somethin’. Sorry ‘bout that. We were all drinkin together and I forgot we weren’t ol’ friends since most of my buddies know that I’m walkin’ frostbite. Dang, I still can’t get over how warm you are, holy cow. Anyway, now I know you won’t get lost, just follow me!” Without really checking to see if I had recovered from the surprise hand holding, Ashley took off again this time with me physically in tow. 

Walking through the airport with Ashley was nice. Way too nice. I tried to think back to the last time I had had this kind of casual physical intimacy with another human being and my mind pulled up a blank. It couldn’t have been longer than ten minutes, but I found myself disappointed by the time we got to the far end of Terminal C. I let out a small sigh of disappointment as Ashley let go of my hand as she stopped in front of a nondescript door marked “Employees Only”

There is a taboo about going into a space closed off from the general public. At certain theme parks people can pay massive amounts of money for behind the scenes tours, showing you the secret tunnels that cast members use when they want to escape the demanding gaze of the general public. There are some sports arenas that have secret bowling alleys and hidden clubs underneath them for offseason activity. But even if there is nothing intrinsically fascinating about the area, there is still a fun little sense of taboo from being a non-employee walking around an “Employee Only” zone.

The space was nothing really to talk about, not even really worth describing. In my head I concocted all sorts of excuses if someone asked me what I was doing there. ‘Oh, I’m from another airline and I’m just checking things out.’ ‘Secret TSA inspection, have you profiled enough minorities today?’ ‘Just a random guy in way over his head and developing a weird Christmas Crush, don’t pay me any heed.’ Okay the last one I would never say out loud around Ashley, but one of the other ones was sure to work. Well, they would have worked if anyone cared. Mostly we just walked down a hallway, anyone who passed gave us nothing more than a passing glance.

We ventured through a few more doors, doubled back along some hallways, passed through an office or two, and finally found ourselves in front of an old service elevator. A small sign stating “This Way to Terminal U” was hung on the wall above the elevator buttons. There was a feeling here. A vibe. The smell of rust and time. If the rest of the employee section felt like a knockoff backrooms, this space felt real and present in a way that thrummed in my soul. 

“Alright, so this is where things might get a little weird.” Ashley said, looking around like a cheap detective trying to get an eye on a tail. “Rudolf, this is your last chance to bow out, I won’t mind.”

“Bow out? What? Ashley, you're not making any sense.” I sighed, “Can we stop with the reindeer games and just speak truthfully here. You were all gung-ho about guiding me to this party, and now you’ve got cold feet in addition to your hands. What the heck is up?” 

Ashley took a deep breath, before turning to me with an extremely serious expression on her cute face. Her hair seemed to shine with a pastel orange glue in the dim buzz of the fluorescent light. “This elevator… God this sounds so cheesy when you say it out loud. This elevator is powered by magic.”