I'll Be Horned For Christmas

By DerbyGhost

Olive the Other Reindeer – You say you like olives? Are you sure? Are you really, really sure that you like olives? Alright, well you asked for it buddy. This is the dirtiest of dirty martinis. I mean, besides the booze it’s pretty much nothing but that stinky juice that olive likers seem to go nuts over. Freaks, the lot of you.

I tottered out of the staff room tugging at the hem of my extremely short black skirt. The new cloven hooves were a challenge, but in an exhilarating way. The clothes that came with my new body, well that was something to really adapt to. 

“You’re serious?” I said, fighting in vain against the cut of my clothes. “There was nothing else back there that wasn’t so… showy? Not that I have anything against people wanting to show off, obviously. Women can dress however they want, and I being a woman can also dress how I want but. Well. It’s just… Everyone is going to be looking at me?” 

And I felt bad about that, right?

At the very least I should feel bad about that. The popping fizzling feeling in the pit of my stomach was definitely me feeling uncomfortable with the situation, obviously. Picturing it now, stepping in the room and everyone swiveling to look at me, conversation stopping as they studied the curve of my horns and other adult-rated places. It was awful, absolutely awful. I pictured it again and squirmed for a moment in disgust, I’m sure. 

“I hate to tell you, Mary, but the clothes are reactive to the wearer. It takes the shape of whatever uniform you think would be good on your body. Something tells me that you miiiight have wanted to announce to the world that you’re a total babe now.” Ashley paused for a moment and took in the view. Why did she have to look at me like that? I would definitely have to bring it up with her, well after I understood why it made me feel like I wanted to melt into the floor.  

“There is no way that I would like this!” I tried to keep the whine out of my voice, but it snuck its way in. “I’m not that girl and there is no way, just no way at all that it makes me feel confident and sexy. Absolutely not.”

Ashley rolled her eyes and gestured at a seat, “Whatever you say, sparkle hooves.”

“Sp-sparkle hooves?” 

“I noticed it when we were walking over here, little sparks and flames pick up from your hooves when you touch the ground. Its adorable, like hot catfish and buttered hushpuppies. There are so many little things. Your tail was swishing too, while you were trying to make sure there were no wardrobe malfunctions. There weren’t, by the way. You’re taking to this so well. You’re so pretty, did I say that? You’re so pr-” Ashley was going to keep it up until I died of embarrassment, and if she kept going I felt like I would burst into multicolored flames so I had to cut in. 

“You know, if this is a secret airport where there are monsters and things, that’s got me thinking. I hope this isn’t rude or anything, but Ashley what’s your situation?”

Ashley nodded, thankfully allowing me to derail her train of thought. “Well, I’m a flight attendant for UnAmerican Leylines, we call it UL. It’s the largest transportation service for magical creatures in the continental Americas. Although I do actually double as a traditional flight attendant when it’s needed. It really just depends on public demand. Uh, let’s see. I’m a Virgo, Leo cusp. I still don’t feel like I deserve to call myself a lesbian since I’ve really only dated one person, but I’m hoping to change that soon?” She noticed the confused look on my face and popped an olive into her mouth. “Wash tha’ no’ whatcha wanned?”

“No. I mean, no that’s good! Learning more about you is really good, but like…” I gestured at the whole bar. “There’s a teeny mouse trying to beat a bunny girl at pinball over there in the corner. A harpy used magic to slide drinks over to us while we are talking. I’m a Satanic furry’s wet dream come true. I don’t really know how to not just say it, but are you a monster too?”

“Oh! Oh, well why didn’ ya just say so.” Ashley snatched the pointy sword out of her drink and tapped it on the table. I bit back the urge to grab a napkin and wipe up every drop, but I didn’t want to disrupt her talking flow. “I’m, it’s kind of silly really. We can talk about you instead, yeah? I bet we could put some necklaces and jewelry on your horns, make the dark color shine even more.”

I shook my head. “No, c’mon Ash. I feel like I’ve been super vulnerable with you, and I want to know more about the girl that, uh well, the girl that I think is kind of nifty. Trust me, I’m sure whatever you are is amazing.”

This time it was Ashley’s turn to shake her head. So, I shook mine again in response, feeling a little joy as the tips of my hair brushed my snout. We sat there for about thirty seconds shaking our heads at each other like a couple of premium ding-dongs until she finally relented. “Fine! But you haveta promise not to make fun of me. It’s kind of silly.”

“Ashley, I promise that there is nothing in the world that could surprise me anymore. This would be the part where I list out all the bonkers things that have happened to me today, but you were there for all of it and I feel like it would be an insult to your intelligence to do that. Lemme just say that anything goes after someone tells you that your feet now leave magical trails of sparks.”

“I’m…” Ashley paused, taking in a deep breath before carrying on. “Mary, I, oh jeez this still sounds so silly to say. I’m the living embodiment of Orange Creamsicle. As in, like, the ice cream. Yes, I’m bein’ serious.”

“That- Well I was expecting the unexpected, but I am genuinely confused.” I tried to keep my tone gentle to be as supportive as possible. “Is this a normal magic thing that I am just completely oblivious about?”

“No, no. Me and my sisters, we were created in this world by some crackerjack hedge witch who was just futzing around with the culinary dark arts. She wanted to create ice cream that would never melt, and, well she did! She just didn’t realize some of her rune work was a lil’ wonkydoodle and next thing you know, oops she played Goddess! The ol’ hag realized she had messed up, but me and my sisters were already alive by the time she stopped the ritual.”

“Oh God, you have sisters? There’s more of you?”

“Oh shush silly, they’re all normies so don’t get all snarky. There’s Clarissa, she’s the personification of chocolate. A little dark and moody at times, but she is the sweetest older sister. And then there’s Viola, vanilla obviously. A little plain but she’s family.”

I nodded, flicking one of my velvety soft ears like it was the most normal thing in the world. “Obviously. Of course, living ice cream. But you don’t look…”

“Like a confection? Yeah, well part of that is the glamor.” With the fluidity of someone who had done this a million and one times, Ashley took off her necklace. The thing that immediately caught my eye was her hair. Where her wild and untamed hair previously was a pretty straw blonde it was now a vibrant capital O Orange. The kind of orange that pop up in picture books about ‘all the pretty colors in the world’ or in the world of fizzy sodas. It was eye-catching in a vibrant way that went hand in hand with Ashley’s over-the-top personality.

The rest of her changes were subtle, I had to look closely at Ash to see what was even different, and then I noticed it. Every shift in the chair, every twitch of movement, and there were a million little shifts in the composition of her whole being. Ashley’s body, clothes, and accessories- her whole everything- was made of sentient ice cream. 

And she was beautiful. She was always pretty in a way that made me seriously question why she wanted to spend time with me in the first place, but seeing her new monstrous nature made it even more obvious. When Ashley moved her arm in a doomed attempt to tame her locks, the frozen treat that made up her arm and hand would melt and reform itself. She had the same cadence of a stop motion figure, a beautiful alien motion that I couldn’t help but find captivating. And she was looking at me with a hopeful look on her freckled face and I still hadn’t said anything.

“You’re gorgeous.” Shit! I literally blurted the first thing that came to mind. “I mean, it’s cool! It’s so cool the way you move. And that’s not me trying to do a pun or anything.” Flailing. That’s what I was doing. She had revealed something personal and needed support more than anything. “I’ve only known that monster girls exist for maybe an hour tops, but I think you’re my absolute favorite. Probably the raddest kind of creature to be, period.” 

“Awww really,” she brought a hand up to her chest, squishing her fingers into the soft serve texture. “And here I thought a demonic deer girl was the hottest monster that I’ve ever met.”

“H-hey, not fair!”

“You started it, cutie.” Ashley stuck her tongue out at me. It was orange too. I wonder if it tasted like a creamsicle. I wonder if she melted in my mouth. No, no bad Mary. Now was not the time for horny. Well… judging by the new weight on my scalp maybe it was always time for horny?

“Actually,” I said trying to keep my brain from spiraling down the mental hole that was ‘cool girl hot which makes me feel funny in my tummy for a wide variety of reasons.’ “I was kind of wondering, why am I a deer girl? You said I was a demon, and if I have any kind of magic I am assuming it deals with fire. So why a reindeer? It kind of seems like a random pull.”

“Mary, I genuinely have no ideer.” It shouldn’t be possible to deliver that line with a straight face, and yet she did. 

“You’ve been sitting on that one all night, have you?”

“Oh girl, you have no idea.” She grinned back.

“Fuck it, wanna make out in the staff room?” I said with a laugh. Ashley made me happy in a way I had not been in a long time. Even if it was just leftover endorphins from realizing that I was a girl, I didn’t care. She had been there for that, been there for my whole transformation even, and I knew at this moment I needed to shoot my shot. I could stay the lonely prick who stews in her frustration and drinks in an airport all by herself, or I could ask out my new drinking buddy. 

“Thank God, I thought you’d never ask.” She stood up, smashing her leg into the table we were sitting at. If that fazed her at all, I couldn’t tell. It did leave a splotch of ice cream behind, like the stuff stuck to the lid when you open a carton. She grabbed my hand and I reveled in the chill of her skin against my internal fire. “You know, this uniform does look great on you. Since you don’t have a job anymore, you should see if Chappell has an opening for a bartender. She says they pay pretty well, and you’d be part of UL so you’d get free ley line transportation! And I would get to see you more often which is the biggest reason you should consider!”

I laughed and shook my head, “Ash there is no way in hell I’m working at a bar, now c’mon. I think I need a first hand lesson on how it feels to be a girl.”