Wee woo wee woo wee woo wee woo...

The nonexistent sound of sirens echo down the streets behind us.

It's like cops and robbers, but for real. Actually, it's not like that, it is that. As a man with way too many stolen items, I fit the role of robber pretty well, and the law enforcement behind me is pretty much the police force round these parts.

I'm back to carrying Lia on my shoulder as I couldn't come up with a better way to scan for Agatha, but sprinting while carrying someone and casting some magic is not easy. Lia doesn't look like she's having a good time either. Maybe all the bouncing around is making her sick?

"A quick turn here!" I say to Otto as I start turning to the left. We're almost there now, just a little--

There! That warehouse! I think it's a warehouse. Maybe it's something else, like... A drug warehouse?

Either way, target acquired. 

"Otto, we're here!" I point at the place where I'm getting the signal from. "Make me a big goddamn hole, we're doing this fast!"

Otto complies and rushes ahead of me, bashing straight through the wall of the building.

The door was right there, man. It was right there and you missed it. I just wanted you to break down the door.

Whatever, I'll take it!

I rush through the hole behind Otto and find a large wide open space. Up on the second floor, men wielding crossbows stand at the ready. Agatha is standing up on the second floor as well, trying to look all intimidating.

"Well well well, look who's decided to--" She starts, but quickly cuts herself off as she starts to panic. "Wait, wait, hold on! LAUNCH THE BOLTS!"

Neither of me nor Otto stop running and dash straight for where Agatha is while her people all fire their crossbows at us. Luckily she hired a bunch of storm troopers, as they couldn't hit shit. Not that it was their fault, really. They were decent shots, but we're just too good for them. I mean, you just have to shove some random shit in front of the bolts, like stolen gold that you're keeping in your inventory, and everything will be fine. 

Except for Otto. He's just made of metal, so at most the bolts would probably only dent him a little. Unless magic. I keep forgetting about magic.

But, it seems like a bunch of thugs don't know jack shit about magic.

Behind us, guards dash into the warehouse to find an army of thugs wielding crossbows. They pause for a moment before rushing in.

I can't really tell exactly what's going on behind me, but I'm pretty sure the guards and the bowmen are having a little bit of a conflict. Just a little one.

It may involve calmly sitting down and discussing their conflict of interest or it may just be killing each other. The latter is what I'm really hoping for though.

Oh, Agatha's taken out her own crossbows now. She's firing them straight at us. 

The thing about Agatha's crossbow skills means that she fires them like a machine gun. It's ridiculous. How the fuck do you deal with that?

Oh, right. I forgot that she can't aim for shit either. 

I summon a stolen shield from my inventory and leap up towards her.Being strong while not actually having a lot of muscle means that you feel a lot lighter than normal. Gravity begins to mean a little less when you can crush rocks with your glutes. Jumping towards her from one story down would not be feasible normally, but when Earth physics has pretty much been tossed out the window, I can basically do whatever the fuck I want. I held the shield out in front of me and barreled straight into her like a flying rhino, putting her in front of me as I bashed back down to the first story. Turns out that the warehouse has some pretty flimsy upper floors. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Lia screamed the entire time. I kind of forgot I was holding her until she started screaming while I was jumping over to Agatha. I mean, she's small and light and mostly quiet, so me forgetting about her isn't that surprising, is it?

It isn't, right?

I got up from the floor and pulled my shield away to see that Agatha was a little bloody and out like a light. Great.

"No, no, no, no, no," Lia groans and pretty much just flops herself off my shoulder and onto the ground. Looks like that was a little much for her, huh?

Well, I guess I'll be switching her out for Agatha now. I'm not going to be carrying two girls around with me. I need at least one hand free.

Unless...

Can I stack them on the same shoulder?

No, no. I don't they would like that.

...

I'll keep the idea under consideration for now.

"Welp, come on. Let's get going."

"Ugh..." Lia is really messed up from this. I stow my shield back in my inventory and dump Agatha on my shoulder.

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there." No. It can't be... "I'll be taking her back now."

I turn my head around to see Fuckface with a sword out. 

This... This is everything I've wanted since I got to this fucking city.

I toss Agatha aside and take out my sword from my inventory as I do so. I fully turn around to face him, the guards and thugs getting into a heated battle behind him. "Alright, Fucky McDickwad..."

I let lightning crackle around my sword for effect. "It's time to duel!"

"Oh, fuck this shit." He says, immediately getting the hell away from me. What, he didn't know I could do magic? I wrote on my guild sheet that I could do some. Or is lightning magic a bit too much for him to deal with? Doesn't matter.

"GET OVER HERE!" I shout in my best Mortal Kombat voice. I use my free hand to create a rope of water and attempt to lasso the fleeing receptionist, but he's already running and my aim is-- "SHIT!"

And then Otto comes in with the clothesline and knocks that fucker down. "YES!"

I rush over to the man and proceed to kick the shit out of him for about five seconds. Then Otto has to fucking stop me. 

"WHAT!?" I shout as he pulls on my shoulder. He points over to the group of guards that has broken off from the fight with the thugs and is coming this way. "Ah, that."

I punt the receptionist at the guards before picking up Agatha and making a run for it. "GET LIA, LET'S GO!" I shout to Otto. 

I book it and run for the back. No back door? Time to pull a Kool-Aid man. 

"OH YEAH!" I bellow as I break down the wall, using Agatha as a shield in front of me. 

Okay. Checklist:

1. Agatha? Check
2. Lia? Check.
3. Adventurer's Guild stuff? Kinda, maybe it's in the safe.
4. Revenge? Check.
5. Returning the money? ... Meh. Whatever.

Four out of five ain't bad. Time to blow this popsicle stand!

I sprint out into the street, heading in a direction that I hope is the nearest wall. Hopefully.

I hear Otto running behind me and after looking behind me after a while, I don't see any guards. Good. We lost them. Or maybe they just wanted to take care of all those goddamn thugs. 

* * *

After we got a certain ways from the warehouse, Otto set Lia down, I set Agatha down, and then Otto and I tied up Agatha to a stick. I didn't want to carry her on my own, so Otto and I have her strung up between us now. Hopefully, no one will notice us.

Honestly, it seems a bit optimistic considering we're so fucking lost. Lia seems to be the only one out of us who knows where to go, but... She also hasn't been in town for long. She was trying to find a hotel to stay in when we first met. 

Basically, we were walking in a straight line and hoping for the best.

This is why it was not a great surprise to me when we waltzed into the town square again. The one with the big statue.

...

Eh, maybe Phanny can give me directions. 

"Otto, you take Agatha. I'm going to pray to the goddess for guidance."

"... I seriously doubt you intentions in--"

"Quiet." I handed Agatha over to Otto and went over to the statue. 

"Oh great and powerful goddess," I whispered, as I kneeled in prayer and clasped my hands. Ambiance is important "Please tell me how the fuck to get the fuck out of this stupid fucking town or I'll cover this statue with so much shit it'll-- Oh hey, that worked."

I suddenly found myself standing in Phanny's office again. Phanny's at his desk, holding the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb.

"Hey buddy, how's it--" I try to cheerfully greet my old pal but he cuts me off.

"No. Shut up." Phanny is in a bad mood. Like always. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Wanna play Parcheesi?"

"What the fuck do you actually want?"

I sigh before getting into the thick of it. "Well, I got three problems I was hoping you could help me solve."

"No. Do it yourself." He reaches under his desk and pulls out a bottle of beer.

"First of all--"

"I said no--"

"FIRST OF FUCKING ALL, MY STATUS IS BROKEN."

"SHUT UP AND-- wait, what?" He looks at me right as he pops the cap off the bottle and it sprays all over his face.

"MY STATUS. IS BROKEN."

"..." Phanny pulls a napkin out of thin air and wipes his face off "... Let me see it."

"What?"

"Let me see it."

"See-- My status? How do I do that?"

"Just pull up the window."

"Alright, here you are I guess." I bring it up. 

 

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Ŗ͡a̡̧̛c̀̕e̛:	H̷̢̨̛̖͈̙͕̲̞̜̬̅͌̾̇̎̐̒̽̕͘ų̵̭̝̬̮͍̤̜̭͍̖͒͌̚m̷̨̛͚̖͉̖͖͖̹̋̄̏̎͑̈́͛̍̈́̔̕͝â̵͉̥͓̩̮̯̏̓͐̍̿̄͌n̸̡̨̛̫̘̦͈̺͙̣̫̩͕̊́̊͑͝͠͠ ̸̛̲͉̖͗͗̌́̓̍̉̆͛ͅ(̵͉̜̺̹̝̇͑̈́̌́̒̀͝9̶̡̛̛̪̲̹̫͍̻̱̹̠̭̼̙̩͐̔́́̏̀͌̑̇̌͝͝ͅ7̴͓̩̥̂͒̈͋̀̌̀̒͆̒̅̋͠.̴̧̡̨̠͓͔̖͕̈́̒͐̒̃̑̃̾̈́͑́̓͛̚ͅͅ8̵̡̡̟̥͈̙͇̆̌̍%̷̯̘̥̉͌͛͑͛)̵̢̝̜͕̳̹̝͔̟̱͎̔͛́͋͐̀͜͝,̸̢̦̜̮͚̳̹̗̹̜̭̻͖̼̎̈͌͌͂͊̅̀̄͝ ̵̪̈́̇͒̀̀?̷̜̱̖̫̪̣̺̮̳͚̖͇̩̖̌̌̽̄͒͐̂̓̈́͝ͅ?̵͍̣̟́̏?̸͎͕̫̺͔̗̮̻͕̟̙͋͜(̶̢̛̦͍̻̰̟̘̮̟͖̘̫̹̈̓̈́̃́̔͜͝2̴̘͉̼͙́͆̒̊ͅ.̴̤̬̲͚͇̩͈̘͙͑͜͜2̴̧̨͚̠̥͐͋͐͊͗̚͠%̴̻̘̬̈͒͑̿̂̏̀͛̐̆̅̆͆͝)̶̹̑̔̇̌̓̌̈́̔̓̄͜	S̵̢̬̰͇̞̠̙̥̮̩̱̹̑̄t̸̨̬͎̪̝̳͓͕̝͈̺̀̑̍́̚ͅͅṙ̶̡̧͖̫͈͇̦̫͕̣̤̍̊̐́͊̈́̇͜e̵̢̡͕̲̗̟̖̤͛͒̊̈̌̅͛̾̕n̷̨̹̟̫̟̥͈͈̭̪͊́́͛͐͊̓̅͂͌̃̚͜͠͠ͅĝ̶̫̌́ţ̸̢̧͎̺̱̥̣̳͈̩̌̈̚h̴̨̢͔͇̼̙̼̰̱̺̻̽͝	2̨̡̝͇̗̼̺̗̱̫̩̝̙͔̖ͥ̇ͯͬ̌͋͛̐ͩ̆̎̌̈̏͗͗̔̌̚͢͜͝3̴̶̷̞̩̭̠̼͙͙͉̬͚͕̼͉̭͉͚͈́ͦͫ̑͛͗̇5̶̢͛́̿̈͗ͪ̌̓̋̔͊ͥͨ͒͒͏̴̞̹̭̗̖̯̭̰̫̖̱͞ͅ	Inte l ellec t	255
Ä̸̧͔͍̮͚̮̟͔̙͖́̆͆̿̇̌̿́͌͝͝͝ģ̵͍͍͍͙̺̰͉̈́̈́̕̚gé̸̢̡̡̹̗͖̗͇̙͔͙͖̃̀͂̄͐̽̒ͅ:̸̧͈̯̪̦͓̖̞̫̲̗̺͖͊̽͜͝	1̵̧̦̦̞̦̝͕͈͕̙̭̪̹̠̯̋̏̏6̷̫̘͍̥͖̘̄̍̀̓̈͋̊̈́̒̽̑̉̌͝	Agil   Agilililility	245	W̸̧̮͓͓͓̘̞̥̭̣͈̼̻̤̤̋̋͌̏̈́̈́͘i̸̝̹̐͆̋̓͒̍͊̕͠͠s̵͉̫̥̱̼͈̺̤̭̋̑̀͋̄d̶̪̻͇̰̮͗̾̽̄o̷͕͗̔͗̈́̽͐̈͗̑͐̍͂͌́͝m̷̡͈̭͔̖̹̻̻̱̱̟̺̤͈̘̋̿́͒͋̂	255
Ļ̸̗͎͎̭͚͖̮͓̙͕̘͙͔̊͜ĕ̸̠̂́̎̊̃̀͛̿̒̐́̂́͘v̸̢̧̰̒͊̕ͅę̴̦̩͎̮͚͙̗̋͂̈̓̇̈̇̔̒͒́͌͐͘ͅĺ̷̢͙͔̬̞̭̖̤̫̞͇̳̳̖̱͗͊̂̅̕͠:̷͈̳̖̪̪͚̭̋͆͊̀͠	3̸̨̢̛̼͕͔̫̺̯̝̣̪̖̦̉̄́͑̍1	C̸̯͚̞̻̫̩̲̾̆̈́̒͒͒̾̅̀̈̾̓̅̑̀̋̋̅́̐̉̍̿̈́̅̈́̐̂̔̊̆̏̇͝͠͝͝͠ǫ̴̛̳̣͙̠̖̟̳̮̫͕͕̤͉͔͈̫̘̗̯̩̟̙͙̼͙̝͋̀̅͂̅̄̈́̒̀͌̋́͋̆̔̓̂͋͋̍̕̚͘͜͝ņ̷̡̢̢̲̥̠͚̜͓͍̼͇̰̪̺̫̰̫̠͕͍͔̝͓̮͕̻͇̻̦̜̯̫̖̄̍͆̎̉̑̏͑́̿̉̓̄͊̀̍̓͂̌͐͛̊́̚͜͝͝͠͝ͅs̶̢̡̧̛͈̠̗̙̮̰̝̪͇̱̱̘̮̪̙̲̜̺̘̹̜̭̦͓̻̫̈́̒̎̈́̾̈̿͐̾͘͜͝ͅͅt̶̢̢̡̧̬̣̮̮̦̤̤̲̤̟̗̪̖̼͇͓̠̩̪͉͈̖̺̖̍̀̈́̒̋̋͌̆̌́̔͋̀̈͊̆̽̈́́̈̑̅͆̉̒̍̂̚̕͘͜͝į̵̖̯̣͇̜̘͉͔̥̩̙̰̣̝̻̘͙̟̟̮͚̖͇́̉͌ͅṱ̴͍̯͉̍̌̅u̴̧̢͔̬̗̤̜̲͇̞̪͎̤̼̤͓̠̗͎͔̦̣̰̮̅̒̅̏̈́͝t̸̛̛̩̮̤̘̞̭͓̞̩̞̲̰͔̹̪̰̼̠̣̳̻̖̰̽̄̆̆̃̏̒̈́̂̌͒̈́̑͆̋̑̓̾̽͊̑́̈́̂͗̃́͛̈́̚͜͝͝i̵̧̡̛̛̛̠̠̯̬͎̪̣͚̜͙̯͓̣͎̱͙̬̲͙̣̥̗̮͔̦̝̍̾̀̒͒̎̆̀̓̃̑͌̍̉̈́̒̓̃͐̈́̀͛͊͛̉̐̈̑̂̀̈́̒́̓̚̕̕͝͝ơ̵̭̠̫̩̤̞̲̖̳̻̎̄̉̆̒̈̊͋̿̏̀̌̽̽̊̈́̀̔͒́̂͛̾͂͛̉́̉̈̚̚͘͠͠͠n̷̢̡̛̙͇͎͚͎̬̘̜͕͖̫͉̤͎̫̈́͂́̌̆̉̈́̋̐̀̾̅͆͗͂̃͜͜͜͠ͅͅ	2̶̧̥̥̻̫͕̬̜̍͛̆̏̈́̑͛͌̾̆̀͑́̇̕ͅ3̷͖̗̑͐͆͑̎̀́̒̋́̉̆͠͠5̷͎̩͓̖̥̩͔͔̦̉̑̒̇̏̇͝ͅͅ	P̴̹̩̮̹̃ͬͩ̓̀e͙̙̱̍̅r͓̫̰̺̺̖͔̞̗̈́̈ċ̷͍̫̟̗̥̻̎ͪe̬͓̺̻̹̱̥̾̔̈̉̂̕p̛͖̱̤͈̦̝ͩ͐̔͗͌͌t͌͛ͬ͏̜̜̖i͇̱̪͔̱͉̣ͫ̌̏͘o̢̧͔̒ͦͭ͟n̶̞̩̹͇͍̙̰̲͊̽͐͠	2̸̦̪͕̘̝͎̑́̊͑͜ͅ7̶̥̩͓̪̙͍̲͇̑̍͐̐̆̐͐̌͆͆̀͊͝5̷̡̡͎̼͚̯͙̺͈͆̅͘
T̴̡̯̪͉̦̳̭̭͍͎̦͇̬͕̫̂̉́í̷̠̣͈̼̼̹͑̅̔̈̈́̽̂̈́͋͐̅͘ṱ̶̠̦̥͙̃́̽̾͐̔̄̃̏̆̀̕͘͠͝ļ̷͇͉̞͎̝͕̜͇͔͛̇ḛ̶͍̗̪͇̦̭̭̥͚̺̀̋͋̈̔̈̚̚͝ͅͅͅs̷̛̛͇̰̲̗͈̳̘̖͙̈́̽̈͋̍͑̿̏̀͛̉͘̕͜:̶̮̙̂͊			A͓̮̤ͤ͂ͨ̈́ͣf̶̫̺̬͈ͬ̉f̶̴͕̹̰͙̙ͤ̇͂̓͆͐̒̚ͅi̶̮̺̭̤̫̿̋͑͑͗ͥ͛n͚̳̅̎ͦͧ̍ͯ̏͞͠i̩̝̪̜͚̮̼̔̅̃̎͋͑t̶̛̯̭̪͎̙͍̘̬͂̄̆͒͢ĩ̲͕̖̤̓͂ͩ͛ͦͦͮ́͟͝ȩ̰̯̪̩̗̹͔̤̣͆͐̈́s̸̴͇ͧ͆ͥ̀ͅ:̮̬̞̯͇̲̗ͬ͐̓̅ͮ
B̷̻̗̺̣̊̕͝ͅĺ̸͙̲̲̼̯̠̓̀̾̽̇̓̚͜͝͝e̴͖̘̾̈́̀͑͛̉̋͠s̷͓̹̆͑͌̊s̷̢̥̗̞̘̥̝͔̹̺͑̒̈̽̂̓̀̉̈́́̅̚͜͜͜͝ͅȅ̵͚̝̱͎͕͓̞͈̙̰͍̦̺͝d̵̢̥͙̗͔̤̳͈̳̀̏̎͊̉̌͛̊̕͘͝ͅ ̵̨̱̐̈́̐̒B̶̢͚͉̠̘̐̀́̔̚y̸̢͖̣̯͉̜͈͈͇͓̖̝͝͝ ̸̞̘̳̪̙̫͙̥͖̦̰̼͕͌͜Ä̸̯̳͎̰̮͖͛͛͛̀͘ ̷͓̤͍̯̱̹̭̩͐̄̐͊̃̽̑̿̓̾̏̾̓͘G̸̯͚̱͚͙̲̖̪̣̃̈́̀̀̐͆o̴̘̻̱̩͎͉̟̎̂ḑ̴̤̤͉̟̰̔́̉̓͊͌̽́̉̋̈͝͝ ̵̧̖̜̜̟̻̥̦̭̪̪̺̜͒̀̅̆͌̓̔͘͝͝(̸̨̝̯͓̭̿́̈́̃̆̀̉̂͛͆̈́̑͝͠ͅĻ̶̢͚̦͚̹͕͔͍̤̭̣͖͔͑̿͗̀̒͒͂̀́̀͠)̶̧̘̗̤̯̮̫͇̒̉̓͛͊͆̓͝ͅ			Water
H̴͚̳̅̏̐͊̽̏̈́̋͋̂̔̚͝͠a̴͙̙̻̘̗͍̗͚̓̓̓̀͐̍͌̈̀͐͜͝͠t̵̨̠̓̀̓̾̈ḛ̶̢̞͉̳͇̯͘d̵̡̡̡̖̟̝̱̩͙̘̣̜̒̈́͒̚͠͏̵̹̩̠̱̣̙̣̫̣̇̽̍̅̄͐͆̋̈̎̿̕̕ ̸̵̴̸̸̛̻͉̺̙͎̖̥͖̜͉̗͖̖͕͈͙͖̺̩͍̊̒̆́̒̊̄̈́̑͛̑̑̃̈́̿̑̈́̊͛̉̅̑̃́́̓̌̎̑̃͊̀̎͘͝͝͠͡ͅͅB̶̴̴̷̵̵̷̢̡̢̥͉͍̮̭̭͓̪̮̯͍̤͎̜̹̝̼͉̮̭͈͖͎̲͎͚̹̺̲͛̋̆̒͑̑̾̋̍̏̎̈́̉̐̇͛̂̎͆͒͂̎̾̀̈́̈́̒͑̑̑̂̾͊͌͘͘̚͘͘̚͝͠͝ͅͅͅy̴̵̴̸̷̴̷̡̧̹͙͖͉̜͓̲̣͚̥͙͖͓͔̲̤̬̜̱͉͓̩̖̯͕̦̮̰̼̹̞͈͊͗̋͐̈́̓͛͂̑͆̉̀̆̿̓̈͑̒̀̀̆̈́̅́̾̀͒̐̄̕͘̕͜͜͝͝͠ ̸̷̷̶̷̢̢̢̨̢̛̛̞̭̪͔͈͈͇͍̥͕͎̣̘̻̞̦̣̥̻͍̫͙̞̖̩̼͎̰̂̀̄̍͌̀͐̅̈̅̀͗͂̊͊͂̀́͑̾̿͂̎̏̔͗̎̈́͂̑̋̈̊̆̎̄̓̊̅͆͂͊̌̕̕͘͘͡͝ͅA̴̶̴̷̵̧̨̡̧̢̛̛̩̪͕̩̫̭̯̩̤̪̦̩̼̣̯̲̙͗͒̒̉̒̅̌̃̄̓͋̆̓̀̚͟͝͠ņ̵̠̥̒͛͌̈́̈̾̒ ̴̡̪̪͒̄͆͂̕̚Ä̶̝͍͇̺̺̳̫͈͎͇͔̈́͒̈̋͋̀͗̓̀͜͝r̴̭͔͙̫͕̠͌̕c̴̣͖̖̝̙̯̖͂h̶̗̙̝͂ą̸̈́̽̇̈́́̄͌n̸̙̤͔̫̉͗g̸̢̙̞̙̖͈̝̤͌̋͒͂̂͂̔ȩ̷̛̣̦̮̱͉͕͕̙̹͔̻̝̰̀̈́̃̀̎̀̊́͐̚͘͜͝l̸̛̞͍̤̲̹̂͛́̏͘ ̷̠̜̖̰̹̃̉͠͝(̵̬̯̪̘͍͊̑̂̿̿͝U̵̢̬̬̯͇̝̼̬̥͓͔̣̥͊̆̄̀̊̊́)̴̡̧̠͍̫́̅̍̒̔͗̒̾̈̈́͝ͅ			L̶͕̘̖̄̽̔͆̈̚͘i̶̹̪͓̦͐̈̀̀̅̚ģ̷͍̳̦̫̱̝͓̯̙̲̺͕̚͜͝ͅḩ̸̣̜͚̬̳͍͍͇̳̩́̃͆͆͛͋ͅͅţ̶̧̨̪̘̬͍̣̥̥́̒̿́͆ͅ
R̴̰̼̹̟̋͊͗͌͜ě̸̯͙͜l̶̨͈̟̮̞̤̼͓̳̏̏̔̄͗͐̈́̒͗̄̀̚͜͠ͅͅu̴̪͎̪̼̯̹̣̰̹̞̗̗̍̑̋̈̿̏͗̾̆̅̀͋̿̽̍͜c̶͇̊͋͛̂͌̅͠ͅt̷̢̡̛̠͕̣̭̙̙̱͉́́̿̌̑̿̆̆͊̄̚͘a̴̝͖̮̲̫̫̰͕͂̍͑̅̾̍̌̓͝n̵͕̘̪͓̙͉͒̂ţ̷̡̭̮̪͓̗̜̘̺̬̯̥͉̯̍͋͊̈́͘͠͝ ̴̼̞̻͈̩̺̥̬̲͒̉̈́̊̿̚͜S̴̢̱̩̘̫͙̼͇͍̈́͌̐̆̊͂̄́̍̈͋͌͘͝l̶̙̜͈̞̣̣̪̲̻̗̟̲͗͒͌̐͋̂̍͠͝ẫ̵̺̹͕̟̗̹̗̞̺̀̓͊͝v̸̨̩͕̤͈̞̜̑̃̌̃̚ẽ̴̢̨̛̻̬͉̝͚̭̪̟̰͑̽̿̀̈́͛͆̑̃̓͐̿͗͜ ̵̨̪̹̙̘̝̹͛̓̐͛͒̇̍̉O̸̧̨̳̙̪̺̭͔̤̗͕͌͑̎͒̈́̇̑͐̈́͗̀̂̋̔͜w̷̧̛̘͖̹̫̪̣͔̯̎͊͑̄͊̑͌̀̓̎͝͝n̷̡̧̬̬̜̭̺̥͚̜͊͂̉͋͐̏̐̀e̸̙̝͔̩̱͔̣̰͎̿̅́̿̀͌́̌r̷̨̖̻̺̓̒͘ ̴̛̬̖͂̽͗̄̔̏̆̋̊̋̋(̸̢̫̼̤͔̤̝̳̄̓͐͂Ų̴̖͉̪͖̮̐͑͗͠͝)̷͖̦̖͔͎̬͙́̐̈́̃̚			Dorkness
Automaton's Friend (R)			P̝͍̩͈̬̞̮͚̟o̙̣͍̭͖͖̜̜̳͍̠̼̣i͔̭̙͓͕̗̱s̺̫̗͔̥̳͇̹͈̝̥͕͉̖ͅo̼̜̣͔̹̩̖͖̙̣ͅn͎͇̳̘̭̙̠̖ͅ
A̸͟r͘͠ḉḩ͠enemy of Silver Leeeà̛f (R)			L͑̉̀ͪͫͫḯ̃̏͗̈́͊̂͂ͮ̆g̃̓͑͋̅h̑͗̾ͣͧ͆̂ͣͣ̏͆͆ͨ̈̓̾t̏̏ͭ́͌͗̆̿̑͛̌ñͦ͆̌ͦͫ̔̌̿ͯ̅̋i͒͋ͭ̅͒͋ͧ̌ͮ͌͂ͤn͑̅͌ͪ͐ͨ̐̌̔gͮͣͨ̀̀̈̂̐͆̏ͧ̊̾̇̐̃̽
B͐̄̿̒̎ͦ̔̂̒ͯ̾̂̊҉̴̞̪̼̩̫̝̩͖̟̳͈͇̱͘͢*̵̪͓͚͚̰̥̹̲̜̪̼̰̠̖̘̭̲ͫ̾ͧͩ͌ͤͦͩ́͞*̷̛͙̯͍̜̹̻͎̖̤̗̼͙ͩ̋̂͋̐́ͅ*̋̈́ͨ̉̿̊̉̌̌̈͏̟̺͓̤̳͙̰̤̠͝*̸̨͈̯̫̰̱̪͓͎̗̥̫̹ͪ͌ͭ́̔̌ͧ͜*̢̨̡̾̒̉̔̅͛̊ͧͫͬ̐̎͛ͧ͛ͩ҉̖̹̣̫̪͝*ͪ͐͛̈́ͩ̀̀ͭ̑͗̏̿̚҉͏̖̩̞͉̯̘͇̘̩̘̺̬̲͓͎̬̀ (S)			S̸̨̼͇͚͙̲̺̮̓͋͋̑̋̈́̾͋p̴̨̘̳̼͓͖̣̪̆ͅͅą̶̥̹̠͆̿͑̀́̃̃̓͠͝ċ̸̗̣̫͙̬̘̈͆̎̉̿̑͌̇͠e̶̝͔̫̠͕͕̳̍̿̂̊̍̿̇̽̇́͗̋-̶̡̨̧̮̮̦̪̬̞̫̼̹͍̹̪̉͛̈̃͊̆T̴̛̹̣̓̄̅̈͛͗̈́̋͂̈͘̕͜͝͠ī̴̛͉̳̜̟̙̳̞̱̘͎̓͜m̵̡̬̭͓̲͇̤̘̆̀͋͂͗͜͝ͅͅe̸̞̠̍

 

Skills: Level: The Chaos of a Joker (U) NA (0R%up71on(U) 3 Language Comprehension (R)  NA Presence Erasure (R)  4 Oracle (R) 3 Dagger Mastery (R) 3 Stealing (S) 8 Sprinting (S) 3 Electricity Resistance (S) 2 Dissection (S) 2 Short Sword Skill (S) 3 Cooking (C) 8 Poison Resistance (C) 5 Dual Wielding (C) 2 Unarmed Fighting (C) 2

Magic: Level: Instant Cast (U)  NA Taint Magic (U) 3 Space-Time Magic (U) 1 Attribute Fusion (R) MAX Magnetism Magic (R) 4 Null Magic (R) 3 Darkness Magic (S) 8 Water Magic (S) 7 Body Strengthening (S) 7 Mana Scanning (S) 5 Magic Circle Construction (S) 4 Light Magic (S) 3 Appraisal (C) 5

Yeesh, that's gotten so much worse. Except for the skill. 

Apparently corrupting things is a skill. I'm not that surprised. I'm surprised breaking the system awards you with a skill that lets you break it better. Seems counter intuitive, but whatever.

"... Well, this is all kinds of wrong." Phanny eventually said.

"Hmmm, I don't know..." I say, looking at my status that absolutely nothing is wrong with. "It seems pretty normal from where I'm looking. Oh wait, IT'S COVERED IN GLITCHY BULLSHIT!"

"No, I mean... Alright, look. When we first made the status system and plugged it into different worlds, we went through a bunch of early versions before settling on a final iteration. What you've got here is a load of buggy bullshit because you're not using an up to date status window."

"... So basically, you fucked this up for me?"

"What? No. This was stuff that should have been set up properly for when you were sent to Umber... This was part of Jerry's job."

"Who's Jerry?" Jerry the angel? Now that's a fun name.

"I'm afraid you won't be able to meet him. He was already demoted after the whole failed summoning so he's not even a part of my department anymore."

"... Just fix my status window, will ya?"

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute. I'll see what I can do." He paused for a moment before happily grinning. "Time to tell you about all the wonders of your new status!"

"Uh... What?"

"Well, since you're here, I'm going to be showing you how your new status page works. The stats had gotten an overhaul, the distribution of stat points can be changed by the user, and the title system was mostly bullshit anyways so we did away with that shit. We also moved affinities into a sub menu a long ass time ago. Are you ready to see it?"

"..." I sense a trap here. He's smiling way too widely. "Fuck, okay. Let's see it."

Phanny grinned wider. "Perfect." A computer appeared on his desk and he began to rapidly begin clicking away and typing in quick succession. 

...

"So, when's it going to--"

 

Name: Simon Harmes		Age: 16
Level: 31	Progress: (95%)	Race: Human (97.8%) ??? (2.2%)
Statistics Spoiler Physical Spoiler Strength:  Constitution: Vitality: Durability: Agility: Endurance: Flexibility: Precision: Accuracy: Coordination: Resistance: Vigor: [collapse] Mental Spoiler Clarity: Focus: Intuition: Instinct: Processing: Perception: Memory: Will: [collapse] Magic Spoiler Affinity: Attunement: Concentration: Control: Core:  Finesse: Purity:  Soul: [collapse] [collapse]
Affinities Spoiler Water 78% Darkness 56% Poison 49% Lightning 45% Space-Time 36% Light 33% [collapse]
Skills Spoiler Magic Spoiler Skill Level Instant Cast (U) N/A Attribute Fusion (R) MAX Darkness Magic (S) 8 Magic Circle Construction (S) 4 Skill Level Poison Magic (U) 3 Lightning Magic (R) 4 Water Magic (S) 7 Light Magic (S) 3 Skill Level Space-Time Magic (U) 1 Non-Attributed Magic (R) 3 Body Reinforcement (S) 7 Appraisal (C) 5 [collapse] Physical Spoiler Skill Level Concealment (R) 4 Sprinting (S) 3 Electricity Resistance (S) 2 Dual Wielding (C) 3 Skill Level Dagger Mastery (R) 3 Short Sword Mastery (S) 3 Cooking (C) 8 Unarmed Combat (C) 2 Skill Level Thievery (S) 8 Dismantling (S) 2 Poison Resistance (C) 5     [collapse] Undefined Spoiler Skill Level The Chaos of A Joker (U) N/A     Skill Level Language Comprehension (R) N/A     Skill Level Oracle (R) 3     [collapse] [collapse] Blessings and Oddities Spoiler Bizarre Mind: Blessing of God: Corruption (Stage 3): Your mind is hard to understand by even the most powerful of beings. Mind cannot be read. Weakens effects that may normally damage your mind. God has granted you their blessing. Do not fail him. Multiplies base stats by four and increases experience gain by four times. Makes acquiring skills and raising their levels easier. Your body and mind is slowly being mutated by mana and other energies that are not natural to you.  Causes body and mind to slowly be altered. [collapse]

 

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, what the fuck man!?" That scared the shit out of me.

"HAHAHAHA!" Phanny began to laugh his ass off while I took a look at my new screen.

...

"What the fuck is this shit?" I look over to Phanny where he's still giggling to himself. "Where are my stats?"

"It's a drop down menu, you dumb fuck. Just open up the windows."

"No, I get that. I mean, where are my numbers? Also, why are there so many new stats?"

"First of all, it's calculating that right now. Give it a half an hour. Second, well..." Phanny tilts his head slightly to the side. "We felt as though the old system was way too simple. It didn't accurately encompass all the different aspects of a person's abilities, so we eventually made this version. We have attempted to accurately--"

"It's way too fucking complicated."

"Noooo..." He said in sarcastic tone.

"Yes. Yes it fucking is. That's the joke here, isn't it? You're giving me the super complicated status screen just to fuck with me? Fuck you!"

"Well, you better get used to it. This is your status now!"

"I don't even understand what half these fucking things do! I mean, what the fuck is the attunement statistic even for?"

"It's for how well you can sense mana! Mana sensing as a skill was a pretty dumb fucking idea, as why the fuck would you even need a skill for being able to see?"

"I don't have a statistic for vision."

"No, but you do have a statistic for perception. We didn't want to break that up into a bunch of minor stats--"

"THANK YOU GOD FOR BEING LAZY AND NOT MAKING THIS MORE COMPLICATED HOLY FUCK--"

"Shut it. We didn't want to break that into a bunch of stats because it was a difficult to pin down the exact--"

"You guys just didn't want to bother."

"You're goddamn right we didn't. It was fucking annoying."

"SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO COMPLEX NOW!?"

"Because the old version was a summary of things that weren't entirely accurate in their namesake. I mean, intelligence and wisdom did jack shit to make people actually smarter. It just increased processing speed and intuition. They would still do a lot of the same stupid shit repeatedly."

"Fuck you, I don't want it. It's way too much to keep track of."

"You'll take it anyways."

"I'd like to speak with your goddamn manager."

"I am the manager."

"How do I contact corporate?"

"You don't."

"... Right. I quit."

"... You what?"

"I quit my job. I'm not going to work to kill the demon lord or whoever unless you fix this shit."

"... You're quitting?"

"If you don't make the stats more comprehensible, then yeah. How the fuck am I supposed to accomplish anything if I don't understand this shit at all?"

Phanny sighed. "Fine, I'll turn the menu back to how it was before--"

"No."

"What?"

"Just the stats. Everything else is fine. The title system was fucking stupid."

"..." Phanny gives me an incredulous stare. "You seem to think that I can just redesign the entire system to your pleasure with just a flick of the wrist or something. You think it's that easy?"

"..." I think for a moment. "Yes. Yes I do."

"... Well, you're right. I'll fix that."

Phanny typed on his keyboard for a few seconds and then pressed enter.

 

Name: Simon Harmes		Age: 16
Level: 31	Progress: (95%)	Race: Human (97.8%) ??? (2.2%)
Statistics Spoiler Vitality 235 Mana Pool 302 Strength 235 Intellect 255 Agility 245 Wisdom 255 Constitution  235 Perception 275 [collapse]
Affinities Spoiler Water 78% Darkness 56% Poison 49% Lightning 45% Space-Time 36% Light 33% [collapse]
Skills Spoiler Magic Spoiler Skill Level Instant Cast (U) N/A Attribute Fusion (R) MAX Darkness Magic (S) 8 Magic Circle Construction (S) 4 Skill Level Poison Magic (U) 3 Lightning Magic (R) 4 Water Magic (S) 7 Light Magic (S) 3 Skill Level Space-Time Magic (U) 1 Non-Attributed Magic (R) 3 Body Reinforcement (S) 7 Appraisal (C) 5 [collapse] Physical Spoiler Skill Level Concealment (R) 4 Sprinting (S) 3 Electricity Resistance (S) 2 Dual Wielding (C) 3 Skill Level Dagger Mastery (R) 3 Short Sword Mastery (S) 3 Cooking (C) 8 Unarmed Combat (C) 2 Skill Level Thievery (S) 8 Dismantling (S) 2 Poison Resistance (C) 5     [collapse] Undefined Spoiler Skill Level The Chaos of A Joker (U) N/A     Skill Level Language Comprehension (R) N/A     Skill Level Oracle (R) 3     [collapse] [collapse] Blessings and Oddities Spoiler Bizarre Mind: Blessing of God: Corruption (Stage 3): Your mind is hard to understand by even the most powerful of beings. Mind cannot be read. Weakens effects that may normally damage your mind. God has granted you their blessing. Do not fail him. Multiplies base stats by four and increases experience gain by four times. Makes acquiring skills and raising their levels easier. Your body and mind is slowly being mutated by mana and other energies that are not natural to you.  Causes body and mind to slowly be altered. [collapse]

 

"Great! You've been a real help, pal!" I say cheerfully. "I'm so glad to have your help, my friendly pal of mine!"

"... That's disgusting. You're disgusting. Stop."

"Okay, but only because I need you to stop me from turning into an abomination."

Phanny just stared at me. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Look at my race! I'm only 97.8% human!"

"Alright, lemme take a look here..." Phanny stared at his computer screen. "... What the fuck did you do?"

"Magic."

"No, seriously, this shit has the system freaking out. You can't just be a percentage human unless it's like a half-human half-elf or something."

"Wait, are there elves in my fantasy world?" 

"Yep." Phanny absently replied while looking at something on his screen. "Elves, dwarves, beast people, demons, even Krecalians."

"... One of those things is not like the others."

"Which one?" Phanny looks up from his screen.

I look at him with what I can only describe as annoyance. "Beast people. Shouldn't they have an actual, like, official name? Calling them beast-people seems demeaning."

"No, no, like, beast people is just considered the name of all of their sub-races."

"Oh... Still seems pretty demeaning."

We both fall silent for a moment.

"... Also, what the fuck is a Krecalian?"

"Now, as for your race--"

"Don't you dare fucking ignore--"

"--You've got some wild mana, some elemental energy, along with a pinch of divine power, seriously don't know why you've got that, fucking up your body. Normally, this would slowly alter your personality into a twisted mockery of what it once was, but it seems your mind is already a twisted mockery of humanity. It may affect your mind in minor ways though, causing your personality to slowly twist and warp--"

"I don't give a rats ass about that. What's it doing to my body?"

"You're going to grow tits and change sexual orientation."

...

I don't know how I feel about this.

"... Really?" 

"No. Are you fucking dumb? Why the fuck would you grow--"

I slam my hands on his desk. "THEN JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT IT'S DOING!!!"

"... I dunno."

"... You what?"

He sighed. "I don't know what it's doing. The system doesn't know what it's doing. Your body is altering into something that's going to be magical, so you probably don't have to worry too much about turning into a fleshy monster. You'll be fine. Probably. Just don't do whatever you did before again, or else it could fuck you up more."

...

"... So we good?" I finally said.

"Yes. Yes, we are good."

"Great. As for thing three--"

"Ugh..."

"--I'm gonna need some directions."

"... Directions where?" 

"... How about towards the demon king?"

"Then, where are you?"

"I know where I am. I'm in a town called... Fuck, I forgot its name again."

"... How the fuck am I supposed to point you in the right direction if you don't know where you are?"

"Why the fuck would I ask you for directions if I knew where I was!?"

"Touche."

"Now, are you just going to sit on your ass, or are you gonna help me?"

"... Shut the fuck up. I think I'm going to help you find the door."

"... Phanny, I'm sorry for what I've said and I think we can--"

"WHAT."

Phanny was glaring at me with an anger I had not seen previously. Behind his glasses, I could briefly see a rage as hot and pure as the sun consuming him.

"PH-PHANNY!? DID YOU JUST CALL ME PHANNY!?"

"Uh... No?"

He trembled in anger for a good few seconds before abruptly slamming his hand on his desk.

"THAT'S IT! GET THE FUCK OUT! OUT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A--"

And that was how I found myself kneeling before the statue of pajama girl, still very much unknowing of where the fuck I was.