So, to sum up everything, I was bent over, holding my stomach while in pain, looking at an angel wearing glasses that looked kind of like he wanted to fuck me up. I looked to the side. The Pajama girl was completely confused at the whole situation, and was looking between me and glasses. All the other angels were in a similar situation. All according to plan.

'I didn't think this through, did I?'

Yeah, what the hell was I thinking? Oh, wait. I wasn't. I should have stuck with the original idea of just eating cookies until someone explained things. Too late for that now.

"FUCK!"

Mr. Glasses was pissed. Yay for me. I win a cookie. Wait, I'm out of cookies. FUCK!

"What the hell!?" Glasses was mostly struggling with his confusion now. He started looking at the other angels. "How the fuck did he do this?" 

"What the fuck!?" I shouted, looking at him with disbelief on my face. "That's my... You bastard, now you're disguising as me!? Who the hell are you!?"

I emulated his tone just right. The angels were now even more confused. It took all I had to prevent myself from losing my shit. Glasses was glaring at me with even more confusion.

"Just kidding." I said, doing an exaggerated shrug. I grinned like a crazy person. Oh wait, I probably was a crazy person. This entire situation felt like a load of crazy from the start, I just wanted to escalate it further. Whatever, it was time to defuse it a little. I needed to actually understand what the hell was going on first.

Everyone, except for pajama girl, were looking more angry than my mom when she learned about how her shoe soles had been filled with sludge, so when she stepped down for the first time since she put them on, her feet were coated in the gunk. Yeah, that was great. 

Glasses was glaring at me still. I happily looked back at him.

"You have no idea what the hell you're doing, do you?" He said.

"Nope!" I continued to grin.

Glasses brought his left hand up to hold the bridge of his nose. "Okay. You're going to explain to me what just happened, and then we're going to talk about what is going to happen. Capiche?"

"Sure!"

I recounted how I was dutifully doing my homework, when I leaned back after a particularly difficult problem, fell, and ended up here. Then, noticing how no one was paying attention to me, I walked over to grab some snacks, before deciding to generously offer some to the man who looked be in charge, understanding how stressed he was. He was holding his head in his hands the whole time. Some of the angels were whispering to each other.

"So." I paused. "What now?"

Glasses began flipping through the papers on his clipboard quickly. I didn't realize how many pages he had there. Finally, he admitted the truth. "We don't have a protocol for this. Fuck it, I'll be honest with you."

He threw his clipboard over his shoulder, and all the papers went flying off it as well. I guess some angel will clean it up. Just like my coffee. Hopefully. 

"You are Simon Harmes, correct?" 

"Yup, that's me."

Glasses sighed. Rough day, buddy?

"Okay, I don't why, but you showed up early for your death. Essentially, you were supposed to die about 15 minutes later than you actually did. So, we're going to have to ditch our plan here."

"And what was the plan." I said, looking around. I thought I had figured it out though. It looked like there was going to be some dramatic scene where I met god, was going to be given a purpose, and sent off to complete a mission, like saving some people.

"There was going to be a dramatic scene where you met god, were given a purpose, and were sent off to complete a mission to save some people."

HOT DAMN, I AM ON FIRE TODAY!

"So is the girl in pajamas actually god?" I asked, looking at the girl who had decided to grab herself a coffee. Glasses sighed again. Man, he loves his sighs.

"No, she's pretending. She's here to help convince you to accept your divine mission, due to god being busy with more important things, like making sure the universes don't crumble."

Huh. So god does have shit to do. I thought he was going to be some guy that let everyone else handle his shit. Guess I was wrong. So, he sent someone to give me a mission-- WAIT.

"This sounds a lot like being given a job."

"That's because it is a job."

I stopped to think for a moment. Glasses probably knew what was going on in my head.

"I refuse the job."

"You don't even know what the job is!"

"It's a job. That's enough."

Glasses was getting angry again. 10 more points for me. 

"You were literally handpicked by god for the job!"

"If he ended up picking me, then he should have known I would refuse. He's god, I'm sure he has enough files on me anyways. Or what, did he play random dead teenager roulette, and it happened to land on me?"

"No way, god wouldn't do something like that." Glasses sounded like he was half convincing himself. Maybe god was a lazy bum after all. 

"Look," He continued. "Basically, we need someone to defeat some guy who is going to destroy another world. You'll be given a special ability, hand picked by god, and you'll gain a significant increase in your physical abilities as well. Once you complete the task, you can live out the rest of your life doing whatever the hell kind of crazy you want, so long as we don't have to send some other bastard to stop you."

"Sounds like tough work. Also sounds like a bad idea for me. Let's just stop for a minute, take a quick breath, and I'll get back to you tomorrow, okay?" I started to walk towards where I remembered pajama girl entering, before my collar was grabbed from behind.

"No, look. If you go to another world and you have superior abilities, you'll be able to become famous, you could do whatever you wanted! It sounds like a great idea!"

This sounded more and more like a used car salesman's pitch. 'Just take her out for a ride, trust me, you'll love her.'

"Can I hear other reviews of the service?"

"This isn't a service. And no, they usually don't get brought back here for us to ask questions."

"Is there a thirty day free trial?"

"No."

"Money back guarantee?

"No, shut the fuck up, and accept your fate."

"But I don't wanna?"

"I DON'T CARE!" 

I turned away to hide my nonexistent tears. Words hurt, glasses guy. "Can't you just let me into heaven or something?"

"What makes you think you're going to heaven?"

"I'm a model citizen, asshole. You probably ain't doing so hot yourself."

"As an angel, I'm exempted from the rankings."

"IT'S RANKED!? I WANNA SEE!"

"Nope. Sounds like a bad idea."

"But... I wanted to see if I truly was better than my sister..."

"You weren't even close."

"FUCK!"

"We're getting off track." Glasses guy decided the tangent was over. "You were slated for purgatory. This is basically your only chance to redeem yourself for heaven. If you refuse, you have to sit and wait for the rest of eternity."

Sitting for all eternity? Oh my god. You... You...

"Thank you for all that you've done." The nonexistent tears were back. "I'll gladly go to purgatory now."

"Oh for fucks sake, just accept the mission."

"I'd rather do nothing than put in effort."

"Please just take the job."

"There are plenty of qualified dead teenagers who would gladly fill my shoes."

Glasses was back to holding the brim of his nose again. Poor guy. Sorry, but you picked the least qualified man for the job. Then he got an evil grin on his face.

"If you don't accept the job, I'll employ you here for the rest of existence. There's no internet, I'm the only angel that swears, there's no alcohol and there are no drugs other than caffeine here."

Oh no.

"The work here is mostly physical construction and record keeping. It's impossible to sleep, as souls don't need rest. The food is fake to begin with, and the only kind you can find in heaven are the fake cookies that people put around."

Dear god, no.

"All in all, it's a very well organized and structured bureaucracy. You'll never go to purgatory, you'll just stay here with me, and the greatest angel friends you'll ever have."

"I've reflected on it, and I've decided I want to go to another world."

"FUCKING FINALLY!" Glasses was ecstatic. I had never seen him smile so sincerely before. I was the cause of his happiness. Aren't I awesome?

"Here's the details. You'll be sent to the world called Umber, where the job is to defeat the demon king, and prevent him from destroying the world. You'll be sent to a country called Pariah, which is adjacent to the demon king's country, Retallia, and you'll be given some coins and gear to work with. We'll give you an automatic translation ability, so you can understand everyone else, as well as a unique ability."

Holy shit could he talk fast. He wanted to get this done so badly. 

"We recommend you join a mercenary group or the adventurers guild, as they can offer ID and cover for your travel. Other places require more advanced searches into your background, so we recommend you avoid them. As you begin your journey, try not to fight people stronger than you, as you will likely be killed, and as you put it, we don't want to play random dead teenager roulette again." 

Wait, so I was picked randomly?

"Now, goodbye!"

"NO, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO ARGUE BACK YE--"

And I was suddenly somewhere else.