The radiant beam of Lux's 'Final Spark' pierced through the air, illuminating the battlefield with its blinding brilliance. The once-ferocious Viktor was now nothing but a pile of ash. Soon after, we managed to kill Maokai as well, making it a two-for-one. Screams of triumph were roaring from our lunges.
As we began our recalls, Marius raised his hand for a high five. When I noticed the gesture, my eyes shifted nervously to the side. Anxiously my thoughts whirled around. Marius seemed to remember what had happened at our greeting earlier, and started hesitating himself.
I didn't want him to feel bad. It had been a great moment of team bonding and happiness. But I was about to ruin it with all my weird flaws. I truly wanted to reciprocate the high-five. Yet, something held me back. Frustration welled up within me. Why did I always doubt myself to this extent? To a point where it's not even helpful anymore. I've only got this one life. And I don't want to waste it...
Just as Marius began lowering his hand, I turned and met it with mine, creating a resounding clap that echoed across the room. Marius looked at our hands, then at me, clearly surprised. I nodded reassuringly, signaling it was alright. His smile was genuine and comforting. When had I last acted so spontaneously? It felt liberating.
As we refocused on our screens, an unsettling sensation washed over me. It wasn't about Marius; it was a recurring feeling, a hypochondriacal worry I had with everyone and everything.
It's okay... I can just wash my hands after the game...
Despite our victory in that skirmish, sadly, we couldn't win the war. I tried my best, but it just wasn't possible. At some point, to protect myself, I stopped paying attention to what exactly had been said by anyone except for Marius. It was just too much toxicity.
Once again I realized that the sensitivity of my caring personality made me soak in all the negativity around me like a sponge. And I couldn't take any more of it. Even worse; it would take far too long for me to get rid of it by tomorrow. So I would have to play the semi-finals in a terrible constitution, drained by this awful day. Great.
Once the match ended, my heart raced. "Despite winning that fight," I murmured, my voice fragile, "we still lost the game..."
Veezer's taunting laughter resonated, furthering the sting of defeat. “Well, maybe if we start the scrim in time, we will be able to win,” he taunted
For him, this felt like winning. 'Yea I showed them who's got the say in our team.' Like a child that had finally gotten some candy from the checkout in a grocery store. Only after throwing itself on the ground, crying for about 30 minutes.
Congrats, Veezer...
The second match was an even faster defeat, souring the mood even further. The chatter among the team staid toxic, spiraling into a vortex of blame and despair. I, on the other hand, barely talked anymore. Did I even say a word? I couldn't recall.
Veezer and Checker wanted to cancel the 3rd match. It was the first time I had seen them agree on something. Character development at it's peak, one might say.
As I began to settle into what I hoped would be a quiet moment, Nick's voice interrupted my inner silence. He leaned over to me. "Noah," he began, cautiously, "you can rest now. I will guide you to your room, if you want"
I felt a glimmer of relief, but Nick's hesitant expression hinted at something more.
Does he feel bad because of how the scrims went? Well it's really not his fault...
As I was about to comfort him, he had already started talking again. "You'll be sharing it, though"
Dread filled me, making my heart skip a beat.
"With whom?" I inquired, my eyes darting with hesitation. Countless negative thoughts racing through my mind.
Please don't say 'Janosch'... please don't let it be him...
Actually, I wanted to be with nobody. I just wanted to be alone. That's the only wish I had in that moment. And also, they were all boys. Why would I, a girl, have to share a room with one of them?! That was just fucked up. My whole body began to sweat.
How had I not thought about this before? All this permanent terror of never ending over thinking in my head, but I can't even see that coming?! Tears were about to drop from my eyes.
No! Calm down! It's not that bad!
But I couldn't lie to myself. To other people it might have been fine. But for me... for me it was literal hell. I couldn't even shake hands with people. How would I share a room with a foreign boy then? My head started shaking.
No, no, no, no, NO! Stop thinking about! And don't cry!
Why would I not even allow myself to cry?! This is horrible. I hate it here... I want to go home...
Nick sighed heavily. It was obvious how I felt about this situation. I couldn't hide my true feelings all day behind a mask. I had reached a point, where the stress was too much to handle. And the tournament hadn't even begun. I felt pathetic.
After a moment of silence, Nick raised his voice carefully. “I'm really sorry... everything was planned for our actual mid-laner...”
I didn't give him any reaction. My eyes were empty. No tears. Just despair. Nick, uncomfortably, scratched his head. “Uhm...”
The dimly lit hallway felt oppressive as I trailed behind Nick, each step echoing off the cold, tiled floor. A sense of anticipation filled the air. But it was mixed with an undercurrent of unease. I walked beside Nick, my thoughts a whirlwind of emotions.
We passed several doors, their numbers slowly climbing, before Nick stopped in front of one. "Here's where you'll be staying tonight," he said in a strangely bland tone. He was obviously struggling aswell and it made me feel bad for him. The happy outgoing Nick had suited him much better.
The room was simple and clean, at leats from what I could tell. As I saw the bed though, I lost my breath.
This can't be... No way...
The realization hit me like a tidal wave, washing over me with a sense of disbelief and dread. My heart raced, and a cold shiver ran down my spine. This wasn't just a room to share; it was a shared bed! An intimacy I hadn't prepared myself for.
My gaze turned towards Nick, searching for some kind of explanation. Some sign that this was a mistake. But his expression was rather apologetic than anything else. His eyes were avoiding mine as if he already knew the turmoil brewing within me.
"I... I thought I made it clear earlier," Nick stammered, the confident demeanor he usually carried now replaced with uncertainty. "I know it's not ideal, but it was the best we could manage given the circumstances."
Circumstances? What circumstances could possibly justify this?
My mind raced, trying to come up with a way out. Looking for a polite excuse. Anything to escape what felt like an impending disaster.
"I understand it's not what you expected," Nick continued, attempting to break the silence that had settled between us. "But we didn't have many options. I truly am sorry."
I swallowed hard, trying to push down the rising panic. I couldn't let Nick see how deeply unsettled I was, how much this situation terrified me. It would probably break him just as much as me. "I-It's fine," I managed to say, forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace.
He offered a sympathetic smile, seeming to understand the weight of the day on my shoulders. "If you need anything else, just let me know," he replied, "And if he does something... If he crosses a line, then he better be prepared for something!"
Turning back to Nick, I gave a small nod. "Thank you," I said, trying to inject some warmth into my voice despite all the chaos inside me.
As the door clicked shut behind him, I stood there, taking deep breaths to calm my racing heart. The room that had seemed so simple and clean moments ago, now felt like a trap. The bed, a symbol of the vulnerability I was being forced to face.
Gathering my courage, I approached it, hoping that maybe, just maybe, this experience wouldn't be as daunting as it seemed. But deep down I knew, that the night ahead would be a test of my resilience. A challenge I wasn't sure I was ready to face.
Once again, I pressed the Lux figure to my chest, whispering, "Please protect me"
