My eyes open to a snow covered forest. Again. The dark and chilly atmosphere is all too familiar with me. The slow creaks of wood and the shallow breathing of various other people grace my ears. This situation, at this point, gives me a simultaneous feeling of comfort and extreme frustration.

Why am I here again? Well, I should have expected this. I always end up back here no matter what I do. I think about the absurdity of my situation and sigh.

Many, many years ago, I was laying in my bed. A bed I knew too well. Sickly and bored as I was, I browsed novels to read on my phone. I stumbled across a genre that I unexpectedly loved. Reincarnated villainess and noble lady regression stories were all over, and I read them again and again and again. Even if some had the same ideas or I mixed up the names of characters or whatever, I found myself enjoying these stories. They were a wonderful pastime as I slowly faded away.

And fade away I did.

And yet, I woke up again right here, in a much smaller body. In this snowy forest. Shuffling along in a creaky wooden carriage, stuffed in a cage with various other shivering children. I was confused at first, naturally. But I quickly came to realize that I was, in fact, in the same situation as the protagonists in those novels I read.

It wasn't pretty.

As a sickly man who knew nothing of caring for himself, I was now thrust into the body of a young girl who perhaps carried with her the worst cherry-picked tropes imaginable.

She was the illegitimate heir to the monstrous duke of the north, had a villainess personality, was to be engaged to the crown prince, said crown prince fell for the commoner heroine, and then me, the villainess girl, dies by his hand.

What the heck is that grab bag of disaster?!

The worst part of this was that I had no way of using prior knowledge from any novels that I had read in my past life. Not only had I read so much that they all merged together in my memory, but the elements I did recognize in this world were all from completely different novels! Why is the 2nd princess from one novel in love with a foreign noble from another story?! It was this terrible hodgepodge of vaguely linked memories that I had no chance of understanding.

So, naturally, as a now captured young girl freezing in the forest with other peasant children, I was whisked away by the plot without preparation or prior knowledge. Lots of stuff happened, then I was adopted back into the family by the monstrous duke, but I couldn't suppress my villainess tendencies, as my body acted on its own sometimes. By the time I had a grasp on my situation and control over my body, my head flew.

Yeah, I died.

And then I woke up back here, at this same snowy beginning. Now, a third chance at life seems great! And at that time I knew stuff to expect, so I tried things differently.

And was burned at the stake.

Attempt 4 I took things slower, moved to the Duke’s southern villa, and assisted the townsfolk there. I was stabbed to death by bandits.

By attempt 5 I noticed a pattern. I begin my life at 7 years old, and I always die on the day of my 21st birthday. And it always snows when I do. I die in the same weather I wake up in.

And so the cycle continued an uncountable number of times. I have lived 14 years of this girl's life in succession so, so much. If my memory was blurred before then imagine how I must feel now. Hundreds of years melted into my brain, all ending in gruesome deaths.

Magical strangulation, electrocution, faulty amputation, thrown off a cliff, shot into the sky, drowning, quicksand, starvation, trampled by horses, dragon bait, intense torture, a myriad of poisons and venoms, public execution of various styles, the list goes on and on and on!

My death has become so common, and injuries such a normal happenstance that mentally I've become numb to their pain. My body naturally struggles of course, but because my mind remains, I'm now in an odd state where I can still properly function through massive amounts of damage. It's like a dull and constant state of adrenaline, or perhaps it derived from a simple acceptance of my futile situation.

And futile it is indeed. Because as I sit here wiping off the spit on my arm from the sneezing child next to me, I realize once again that I am stuck in this loop.

And I'm done trying. The human will can only stretch itself so thin, and mine petered out long ago. These cycles curse me for trying to step outside their lines, so I'll just accept my situation. Why build relationships or try new things if I'm just gonna get it all taken away? There's no point.

So this time, I'll do nothing. I'll say nothing. I will become a living ghost, barely touching this world, and quietly await my doom. I need a break from struggling.

I sigh to myself once more. I guess I better ensure I can do that at least, then. Purposely handicapping myself would be the best option, as that will keep me out of the noble sphere, but I'll have to make it believable... I guess I'll also save the children from our kidnappers in the process…

The one benefit of my constantly looping hell is my gradual buildup of magic power. Every restart I get to keep whatever magic strength I had the last time, and it adds and compounds upon itself to increase my abilities. If I have one consistency throughout all my lives, it's that I practice magic so that I'm stronger in the next one.

That means, right now, this little body can cause some havoc. Including myself, there are 72 children in this line of transport. I haven't explored the origins of the transport in, well, lots of resets, so I don't quite remember the name, but I do recall a rather extravagant ringleader is behind this. Never did see or hear them personally though.

They capture orphaned kids living in the slums and create units of labor for the express development of magical tools. Each unit consists of 72 children, and said children are renamed under the 72 microseasons of this world. It's a very particular system that I never quite understood.

Either way, this organization isn't something children need to grow up in. I tried that. I can't quite recall which microseason I was given in that life, as I didn't pay much attention to it. Though that was the one time I went by a different name. Regardless, I died in the assembly line that life. So, out of respect for that time, I'll protect these children, destroy everything else, and then purposefully damage myself in the process.

Yep, that sounds simple enough. And a magical outburst sounds like the perfect solution. At this point I've already channeled my mana to all of the children, and to the untrained eye, nothing has changed. To mine, however, there is a faint and shimmering barrier around their bodies, purple in its sheen. The children will receive some injuries from what I do next, but they won't even know what happened. They can heal from scratches and bruises just fine. Hopefully.

Next, I focus on my core, sitting and breathing deeply. Ignoring the briskness of the cold air, I suck in a mana powered breath. Simultaneously, I reverse the flow of my mana in my body to cause it to go haywire. Steeling myself, I channel it all to the place I have the most control, my eyes, and then I open them.

The world flashes purple.

From my eyes escapes a blinding light. It quickly soars vertically and outwards creating a massive tornado of mana that rips apart everything within a secluded radius.

And it's done in a single second.

Mind you, it's a very painful second. Our captors are torn to shreds, the wagons are beyond destroyed, everyone goes flying, but most importantly, my body suffers a great deal of damage.

I hear crying and confused children, but I don't focus on them, because I can sense that they're all fine. We were all thrown different directions, and I lay motionless under a tree somewhere off the main trail.

Immediately I come to the realization that I messed up.

I intended to only cripple my leg, but I also feel a gash on the left side of my face, the area near my eyes is definitely burned, my sense of hearing is extremely muffled, my fingers can't curl all the way, and as I blink frantically, the remaining brightness of my flash is instead covered with darkness. This darkness switches between various colors and flashes of purple occasionally, but the darkness is the most prominent. There's no way I'm seeing anything correctly.

It seems I've gone blind. Damn. I'm unsure if it's permanent or not.

Well, with a messed up leg, and no sense of, well, sense, I'm not really in a position to do anything physically. I feel like I should be panicking about my blindness, since this a new experience for me, but I know if I correct my mana flow I'll be able to manage through magic pulses and acute hearing.

In the meantime, if I want to be inconspicuous, I need to direct my mana traces onto someone else. I lift a delicate finger and stab it into the dirty snow. I'll use the inherent mana channels in the ground, likely strengthened by my flash, to worm my mana signature into another child.

I have a few candidates to choose from. A red haired boy with a scratchy voice from all his yelling. A brown haired girl who's trying her best not to cry. A tall and lanky blue haired boy leaning against a tree. And then a girl with pink hair who is healing the minor injuries of the other children with her magic. If I recall, during some lives, these 4 children grew to become powerful noble figures, or adventurers, or something like that. Frankly I don't care all that much, but I'm glad they're here. I can tell by their mana signatures that they'll serve as useful cover. I think I'll grace the blue haired boy with this honor tonight.

I can feel my mana wiggling towards him underground until it shoots up and silently attaches itself to his leg. That'll work. That signature will gradually merge with his until they carry a mixed trace.

Now to suppress my own. I just need to mimic the pulses of the manaless. Never really understood that term to be honest. Everything exists with mana in this world. Even objects. “Manaless” is the term describing those who don't have enough mana to produce magic. I spent a few lifetimes learning how to suppress my mana into such a state, so this is no worry.

But, uh, what do I do now?

My hearing is thankfully cleared up a bit, so I can hear the red haired kid rounding up the kids into one place, but I'm essentially on the edge of the blast zone. I wonder if they'll realize and come to get me?

Eventually, my mana will recover and I'll be able to move, but that's going to take… maybe half a day? It'll be early morning by then. The best I can do right now is lay down here in the snow and see what happens. Thank goodness I landed on my back. Once I do recover my magic power I can set up a magical brace for my leg and force it to cooperate until I get proper healing. The healing from that pink haired girl isn't gonna do much. I can tell I'll need a cane or some other form of support. So, at least I got that part of the plan right.

I suppose I should run through the possibilities of what's to happen next. I can join the children and we can come together as a group and seek survival, but that's only if someone doesn't come. My purple flash should have been visible across the horizon. I'd be surprised if no one was sent this way. I guess I'd need to deal with said someone if that happens.

Alternatively, I could mask my presence so that no one finds me, and start life here in the woods. Well, that’s the much more difficult route. I'd like to get used to my blindness in a more stable environment, preferably. Hmm, perhaps I'll mask myself and then decide if the party who finds us is useful or not, and go from there.

I cough. Ahh. That's blood. Internal damage is a side effect from reversing your mana, after all. This too should go away within half a day, but I'd like to remain quiet lest a child finds me. Guess I'll be holding in my coughs too.

I close my eyes and feel the snowflakes kiss my face. How long has it been since I laid down in the snow like this? A long time, it seems. I used to find the snow beautiful, but now it's just another happenstance. It must have been one of my earlier resets when I thought life was going smoothly. I recall making a snow angel. I unconsciously find myself doing that again, though it's crooked and messed up. There's probably blood stains too. Somehow, I feel that represents me.

I attune my hearing to the children again. Going by their movements and conversation it seems like they've found everyone. Well, not including me. Some of the braver children explore the wreckage and corpses for supplies, while the remainder are either huddled up for warmth or line up for light healing.

At this point my mana is healed enough to enhance my hearing, and I hear the voices of the four kids who I mentioned earlier.

“So, that's everyone, yeah?”

“I-It should be, I'm g-glad everyone is safe…”

“But I just did a head count while I healed everyone and we've only got 71! Someone is missing! We should find them!”

“Ahhg but it’s one person! The fact that we got everyone else is already fine!”

“Let's just search one more time, at least! Maybe they're deeper into the woods.”

Ahhh pink haired girl you're a bit troublesome. Commendable, for sure, but a nuisance to me at this moment. I can hear the red haired kid who disagreed with her coming my way, as the other three split into the other three directions. I'd really like it if I didn't come to their attention.

Guess I'll play dead.

Ugh. And just as my mana started to heal too. I redirect my outflowing mana into my core and stop my body processes completely. I don't even breathe, my eyes have no luster, and I'm now perfectly still. As long as I maintain my focus on the core, I won't die, and to everyone else I'll appear perfectly and completely gone.

Well, even if I did mess this up, I wouldn't croak. I've tried in past lifetimes to end it early, but the world finds a way to keep me alive, even if that means I am within a shred of my life until 21. It's very annoying to have to live through timelines that are beyond saving though, so I'd best not mess myself up further.

I feel myself go limp as the children's voices echo around me.

“Ah, hey, I found her! She's here! Come over!”

Frantic footsteps follow.

“I-is she…”

“Yeah, I think she's gone. She's pretty damaged.”

“Geez! You three are useless! We need to check her!”

“For an autopsy, yeah?”

“For signs of life dimwits!”

Once again the pink haired girl takes charge and begins to examine my body. She pats it down, turns it over, examines my condition and wounds, and she even tries to heal the wounds that are still fresh, but I discreetly block her spell.

If I could see her, I imagine she would have a face of frustration and sadness right about now. Sorry young miss. Perhaps this is a lesson for the future. You can't save everyone.

The girl closes my eyes and then silently stands up and dusts herself off.

“Nothing I did worked…”

I hear the brown haired girl sniffling, while the red haired boy just walks away. The blue haired boy seems to come closer before talking again.

“Yeah… let's go. She'll return to nature by the will of the mana. You did your best.”

“...Sorry I couldn't save you… goodbye...”

And so the other three leave.

Thank goodness. It seems the leading four decided my body would be a burden to carry. Frankly, I wouldn't want to lug around a rotting corpse either. I was also quite lucky that they didn't notice my sorry attempt at a snow angel, that would have given me away. I slowly return my mana to my body as I hear the group of children start to move.

Back to recovery I guess.

I lay awake for hours letting the snow pile up on my body. These ripped and ragged clothes provide no solace from the icy air, but I bear it. Since I can no longer tell the time with my eyes, I've been sequentially counting out the seconds while multitasking on preparing my body to move. It's annoying, but it must be done.

11 hours have passed since the flash. It should be morning. I can move my fingers properly again, and I've now forced my left leg to cooperate through an internal magical brace. My mana channels are likely glowing purple under my skin as they make my leg function. My burns near my eyes and the gash by my left eye are now scabbing.

Best get moving, I suppose. Time to brute force this blindness thing. I use the tree by me as support and gingerly lift myself up. My long and messy hair cascades down and I push it out of my face. Not that it matters anymore really. I suppose that's just a habit I have now from other lives as this girl.

Using some mana to increase my hearing, I take in the sounds of the morning and silently welcome the challenge. I'm barefoot at the moment, so I pulse out mana from my feet into the ground, feeling my mana disperse through the underground mana channels and spread out. At the moment I don't have any sort of walking stick, so mana pulses through physical contact are my best bet.

I take one slow step with my good leg. And then send out a mana pulse. Then a shaky step with my braced leg. And then another pulse. And repeat this process. If I feel the mana stopping, or going upwards, then that's likely some sort of rock or big tree. At that point, I use my hands to steady myself and anchor there as a rest point and residual landmark. Sometimes the mana shoots outwards from something small and I end up falling, and with the pulses, my magical brace wavers occasionally, which also leads to some unfortunate trips.

I'm not really sure where I'm going, if I'm being honest, but I am heading in the opposite direction of where the children’s voices went. If I distance myself from that group, I likely won't encounter anything plot related for a long time, and I have four eyewitnesses that say I'm dead. That works for now.

I continue traveling for a while, stumbling and feeling my way through this forest and snow. I'm intermittently burning mana to keep myself warm, and I'm keeping my ears attuned to listen to the animals around me. Gradually the day animals turn to night creatures, and the air becomes colder once more.

It's now been about 36 hours since the flash. I've had nothing to eat. Being blind doesn't really help with that, huh? I guess I should look for a stream. That'll give me food and water. I stop my movement and pour as much mana as I can into my ears to increase my range of hearing.

Birds nesting, insects crawling, branches snapping, snow falling, aaaand there we go. Water flowing. It seems the river is in the general direction I was heading anyway. I'll gladly accept this rare moment of luck. I quickly dim down the range of my ears back to what it was because hearing too much gives me a headache.

And so I make my way forward. It's a long trek. Well. For my current standards at least. A small and mangled child shivering in the forest would surely think that the world is huge. Already, this girl is already much different than the villainess girl she's supposed to be. I guess I just travel an odd road in life.

It takes another 4 hours to reach the stream. I've gotten marginally better at my pulse walking, but I still find myself falling quite a bit. The goal is to eventually run with this technique.

I wash my feet off in the water. I can't tell what's on them, but they were pretty grimy. Actually, I should just wash my whole body. So I do. The frigid water kisses my wounds and I seethe in discomfort, but I bear it. My messed up leg is swollen and rough, so I take the opportunity to massage it a bit as the water passes over me. It all starts to feel better after a while.

Next, I fish. Using the same mana pulse technique, I send out ripples in the water and then grab fish as they startle. I have a success ratio of 3:20. I think that's commendable given my current state.

It's only then that I realize I don't have any firewood yet. If I weren't magically talented, that would be a hassle. Thankfully, a simple magic sickle cuts down a tree for me, and an application of heated mana to the firewood gives me my warm flame.

The three fish serve their purpose. One of them was different from the other two, and I accidentally swallowed a fish eye during my meal, but what's done is done. Immediate hunger and thirst satisfied, I resolve to follow the river and live along it as I travel.

My last concern at the moment is rest. This body is beyond exhausted. Constant use of mana as I travel and survive, and over 40 hours of being awake. That's not a good combo, especially in a child's body. When I finish my fish, I find a sturdy tree to lean against, and sit down. I set up a circular barrier around me, and then a subsequent sensory range past that. This layered magic will protect me from immediate harm, and then also let me know if something enters the range I set. If I am asleep, my magic will wake me up to warn me. I ended up learning this spell in a life where I had an assassin guild as enemies. It wasn't fun.

Deeply sighing out of exhaustion, I close my eyes. I find it a bit odd now, actually, to close my eyes. Whether they're open or closed, I see nothing of the world in front of me. Yet when I flip between the two now, it seems that closing them makes me feel more at peace. Perhaps it's instinct to close your eyes when you sleep, even if it doesn't make a difference. It must be a signal to the body or something.

Regardless, my eyes close once more, and I replace my colorful darkness with a soother darkness yet again. Sleep comes quickly, and such meaningless thoughts enter my dreams.