7
Shame and Shane

“Amanda, where were you today?” my mom asked, her voice a mix of concern and anger. “It’s ten.”

I slowly closed the front door behind me and let out a shaky sigh, shit. Was it really ten already? I checked my phone to see I had a bunch of missed calls from Mom and Dad. It seems they started calling me after I went to Shane’s house, where I didn’t check my phone. I guess I was having too much fun playing Call of Duty.

“Uhh,” I said awkwardly, getting worried that I would be in trouble. “Sorry, I was at Shane’s place.”

“Since school ended?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “And you didn’t check your phone a single time?”

“I mean, I may have been somewhere else too,” I said, innocently looking up in the air.

Mom may have poked a hole in my story. I did hang out with Shane a lot, but I usually wouldn’t hang out with him this late without checking my phone.

“Look, you have to tell us where you’re going from now on, Amanda,” Dad said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He was standing right next to Mom and looked just as disappointed. “We were concerned.”

“I’m sorry,” I whined. “I was just hanging out with my friends, okay.”

“Which friends?” Mom asked. “Last I heard, you didn’t even have any friends other than Shane.”

“Gee, thanks for calling me a loser Mom,” I said, crossing my arms. I knew I didn’t have that many friends, but she didn’t have to call me out like that.

“Look, we just need to know who your new friends are so you’re safe,” Dad said, seeming quite exhausted with me.

“Well, I made a lot of new friends,” I said. “But today, I hung out with Owen and Hailey.”

“And those two are?” Mom asked me.

“Owen is, well Owen’s just great,” I said, dreamily thinking of him. “He’s super nice… and cute.”

“Okay, so you have a crush on him,” Mom stated.

“No, I don’t!” I said, instantly snapping out of it. “I mean, maybe, I mean, I don’t know.”

“So, what about your other friend, Hailey?” Mom asked, moving on from the topic of Owen. That was much to my relief, I didn’t want to think about liking him anymore.

“Well, Hailey’s like the most popular girl in school,” I said. “I got to know her because I joined the cheerleading squad.”

“Wait, you joined the cheerleading squad?” Dad asked, frowning.

“Yeah, this girl named Kayla kept on trying to convince me to go so I decided to give it a shot and it was actually a lot of fun,” I shrugged.

“Well, your dad and I are going to have to talk about this, so go back up to your room Amanda,” Mom said. “Please check your phone more when you’re out though, we were worried.”

“Okay, okay,” I said, going to the stairs to return to my room.

***

The alarm went off, signaling the start of yet another day. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes, I was still way too tired. I had to finish homework late yesterday since I spent the whole day hanging out. I opened my eyes and looked around my room before hearing the door creak open. I looked at it to see Mom walking into my room.

“I bought some gender-neutral clothes if you want to wear these, Amanda,” Mom said, handing me some folded-up shorts and shirts.

I took a second to think, should I wear these instead from now on? I didn’t have to keep up the girl act. No, dresses were just better.

“I mean, the skirts and stuff are more comfortable, so I’ll just wear them,” I shrugged. I mean, it was true. They were a lot more comfy and stylish compared to what I was used to.

“Suit yourself, we can just keep these as pajamas then,” she said, putting the clothes in my closet. “Just wanted to make sure since you seemed so scared to wear girl’s clothes yesterday.”

“I’m okay with it now,” I said, smiling. Mom was about to leave the room when she suddenly stopped.

“Oh, by the way, Amanda,” she said, turning around. “Your dad and I decided to give you a curfew of ten at night. Does that sound okay? Any later than that is unsafe for a girl.”

“Really, Mom?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “Just because I’m a girl I have a curfew now?”

“Yes,” she said, putting her foot down. “The decision is final.”

“Fineee,” I said. It’s not like I stayed out beyond ten anyway, so I guess it wasn’t too unfair.

“Great, get ready for school then,” Mom said, leaving my room.

I changed into a nice skirt and top and then went over to Mom’s room to get my makeup done. I was learning a lot, although I still couldn’t apply eyeliner properly. I ate breakfast and then left for school, walking over to Shane’s house.

“Hey Shane,” I said, giving him a quick wave as I ran over. I saw him sitting on the porch, waiting for me. It used to be me waiting for him, but makeup took a while so now he had to wait for me.

“Hey Amanda,” he said, standing up and stretching. “Let’s get to school.”

“Yeah!” I replied. We began walking to school, and all was silent as we trekked across the sidewalk.

“So, are you planning on doing anything after school today?” Shane asked all of a sudden, breaking the silence.

“Well, I don’t think I have anything,” I said, shrugging. Unless someone invited me out again, my schedule should be clear today.

“Do you want to walk back home from school together then?” he asked. “It’s just we haven’t been hanging out as much, you know? I know we did yesterday, but still.”

“Yeah, sure, let’s walk back home together,” I said, smiling.

“I’ve missed you a lot,” Shane said.

“Thanks,” I said, blushing. God, what the hell was wrong with me?

***

The first two periods went off without a hitch, with none of the students questioning why I was dressed as a girl now yet again. Did they just all think I was a girl the entire time or something? I didn’t know. I was eating lunch as usual with Shane, Jake, Max, and a few of the other loners when I heard a loud voice.

“Amanda, what are you doing there?” Kayla asked, walking up to me.

“Huh, I’m always here, what do you mean?” I asked, frowning.

“You’re a cheerleader now, come on, you have to sit with us,” she said, waving me over. “Get up.”

“Oh, but, what about Shane?” I asked, looking over at my best friend. He looked a little worried.

“Seriously?” she asked, rolling her eyes. “Come on, we’re all waiting.”

“Alright then,” I said, getting up with my tray. I whispered a sorry to Shane, but he didn’t even look at me. I felt bad but nonetheless made my way over to the cheerleader's table in the middle of the cafeteria.

“Amanda, hi!” Hailey said. The rest of the cheerleaders greeted me, as I sat down on an empty seat. “Glad to have you here.”

“Hi everyone,” I said, tapping my foot out of nervousness. I’d been with these girls yesterday, but being packed together made me a little scared.

“So, you already know everyone, right?” Kayla asked me.

“Yeah, I recognize everyone here,” I said, looking around the table to see some familiar faces. Some I was less familiar with since they were in higher grades than me, but I still knew their names.

“Great, we need to build some team spirit, so it’s good that you at least know everyone,” Hailey said. “You’ll be sitting here every day from now on, right?”

“Uhh, I mean, I still have a friend at my usual table,” I said, looking back at Shane eating his lunch alone.

“Shane?” Kayla asked, looking back at Shane and frowning. “I mean, I shouldn’t judge, but isn’t he kind of a loser?”

“Well, all of us at the table were all kind of losers, you know,” I said.

“Yeah, but you were still super cool, you were just there because you were short and looked girly,” Hailey said. “Shane though, he was always kind of weird. I invited him to my party and he kept on chasing me around trying to get with me.”

Some murmurs of agreement floated around the table.

“You can do better than Shane,” Sophie, a senior I recognized, said. She shook her head. “You honestly seem like a really cool girl, Amanda. Shane has always been a little weird to us.”

“I guess,” I said, looking down at the floor. I never knew Shane’s reputation was this bad. I knew he could be weird sometimes, but he had always been a good friend to me.

“You know, we should all go somewhere to celebrate the fact that we finally got a twelfth cheerleader!” Peyton, another girl I recognized, said. “After school, you know. Somewhere like the mall.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun,” I said, excited.

“Great, it’ll really help us get closer as a team and get to know our new member!” Kayla said. “Some of the seniors can drive us all there so we don’t have to walk.”

“Thank God,” I said, giggling. “I hate walking.”

***

I slid into Sophie’s car, and although it was a little messy, it was still nice. The car was just a white sedan, probably a hand-me-down from her parents. I wish I had a car, I hated walking around everywhere. Since there were twelve of us in total, we split into three groups of four. I was with Hailey and Kayla. Considering how rich Hailey was, I was surprised she didn’t have a personal driver or something.

“I have Spotify linked to the Bluetooth, so you girls can play what you want,” Sophie said, handing us her phone.

“Ooh, what should we play?” Kayla asked, taking Sophie’s phone.

“I know, I know,” Hailey said. “Super Shy!”

“I prefer the boy groups if we’re talking K-Pop, but sure,” Kayla said. She tapped at Sophie’s phone, and a few seconds later, the car started to blare out a beat.

“We can even sing along to it since most of it is in English,” Hailey said, tapping her feet to the beat.

Kayla and Hailey began singing along to the song while Sophie began driving. I was a little embarrassed, just looking out the mirror. The song was a little too girly.

“Amanda, come on,” Hailey said, patting my leg. “Sing along with us.”

“It’s kind of embarrassing,” I whined.

“It’ll be fun, trust us,” Kayla said. “Come on, the song’s about to start again.”

“F-Fine,” I said. I did know the lyrics to the song from hearing it everywhere. I began singing along to it, quietly at first. I started to slowly get into it though, the song was pretty fun, and having the other girls sing along was nice. After a minute, we were all singing the song as loudly as we could. Eventually, though, the song ended, and we erupted into a fit of giggles.

“That was fun!” I said, struggling to breathe from laughing too hard.

“Told you,” Hailey said, appearing a little red in the face.

“You all are cute,” Sophie said from the front, a hint of a smile on her face.

“Okay, next song!” Kayla said excitedly, looking around on Spotify. We went through a few more pop songs, and each one was as fun as the last. We went through about three or four songs before we made it to the mall.

“Here we are!” Hailey said. We turned off the music and got out of the car. I was a little disappointed, singing along to songs was a lot more fun than I expected. Hailey did a quick spin before turning to me. “We can go shopping or go to the arcade or anything!”

“I want to go to the arcade,” I said, as we all began walking toward the mall. Although I played video games yesterday, I was still itching to play more.

“Yeah, sure, if that’s what you find fun,” Sophie said, locking her car. “Let’s go to the arcade then.”

We made our way over to the arcade in the mall, which was quite large considering it was inside of a mall. There were a bunch of games, and I was excited to play some. I looked around the interior, which was coated with neon lights. It looked to be pretty fun.

“Hey, what do you want to do first?” Hailey asked, walking up next to me. “Oh, I should ask this first. Do you even want to play together? Since it’s going to be impossible for all twelve of us to play at the same time, we do have to split up.”

“Yeah, sure, let’s go,” I said, looking around for what game seemed interesting. I spotted the claw machines in the corner of the room. “Do you want to get a plushie?”

“I love plushies!” she squealed. “Let’s go exchange our money and then go play.”

We changed our dollar bills into some quarters and then walked over to the claw machines. I went first and tried to catch a frog but failed, it was like the claw had no strength at all. It barely picked up the frog before dropping it.

“Let me try,” Hailey said, gently pushing me aside. She went for a polar bear plushie and was able to nab it. It looked like it was about to fall out of the claw, but tumbled into the prize hole at the last second. She picked it up out of the prize chute and smiled. “Yay!”

“That’s a cute plushie,” I said, laughing at her reaction. She looked so excited to catch it.

“Thanks,” she said. She moved the plushie in front of my face and smiled. “Do you want it?”

“It’s okay, you can keep it,” I said. “You’re the one who grabbed it after all.”

“Oh,” she said, looking a little disappointed. “Okay then.”

Did I make the wrong decision? Maybe I should’ve taken the plushie, it looked like she wanted to give it to me. I shrugged it off, I’m sure it would be fine. Hailey and I played a few more games before I was claimed by someone else.

“Hey, let me have Amanda for a while,” said Abby, another girl on the cheerleading squad. “You’re hogging her, Hailey.”

“Hey, I’m not hogging her,” Hailey replied, sounding offended. “I just wanted to spend time with her.”

“Well, the rest of us need to spend some time with the new girl too, so shoo,” Abby said, motioning for Hailey to go somewhere else.

Hailey frowned but complied, going to another group of cheerleaders.

“Hey, sorry for stealing you,” Abby said, smiling down at me. “I just wanted to get to know you a little better.”

“Thanks,” I said. We stood in silence for a few seconds, until I noticed a fighting game. I walked toward it, seeing an animation of two guys fighting. “Do you want to play this?”

“You’ll probably destroy me, but sure,” she said, sitting down on a seat. I picked a girl character and Abby picked a muscular guy. I’m pretty sure she just picked him because she thought he was hot, but whatever. I always preferred choosing the girls in video games when there was an option for that. They were just cuter. Plus, I heard they had a smaller hitbox.

I went easy on her since I had some experience with fighting games, but I still won pretty easily. Abby spent most of the match trying to figure out the controls, running around the map like a headless chicken. I ended up winning, losing only the tiniest bit of health.

“Sorry, I played a lot of this game on my Xbox before, so I knew how to play,” I said apologetically. It really wasn’t a fair fight in the slightest, so I felt a little bad. It was never fun being destroyed in a video game.

“It’s fine, it was still a lot of fun,” Abby replied. “You were really good.”

“Thanks, I might’ve spent a little too much time on video games,” I said, awkwardly rubbing the back of my head. Abby would probably faint if she saw my hours on Call of Duty.

“Put half of that effort into cheerleading and you’ll be the best on the squad,” she said, giving me a thumbs-up.

“I’ll do my best,” I said, grinning.

We played a few more games before things started to get a little tiring. Also, I was seriously running out of money. These games were a lot more expensive than I expected. I was burning through the hundred dollars I got from Shane, which was the only income I received in the past month.

“I’m bored of the arcade,” Peyton said, walking toward us. It was perfect timing, I didn’t want to play games that much anymore. “We should go shopping now, I’ve played enough games for today.”

“Yeah, sure, let’s split up and go,” Abby said. “Four groups of three should be good.”

“I’m claiming Amanda!” said Peyton.

“So am I!” said Hailey, raising her arm.

The rest of the girls dispersed into groups while I waited with Peyton and Hailey. We all split up, going in different directions, promising to meet back up near the arcade in an hour. Hailey and Peyton led me all over the mall, showing me their favorite shops. It was mostly just window shopping though, we didn’t actually buy anything. We were walking past one shop when Hailey spotted something.

“Isn’t that dress really pretty?” she asked, stopping in her tracks.

“Huh?” I asked, looking to the side. I saw a blue dress on display in the front. It really was pretty. “Oh, it is.”

“Do you mind if I try it on?” she asked, pleadingly looking at Peyton and me.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I said. We walked into the shop and Hailey was able to coerce the attendant into stripping the mannequin and letting her try it on.

“I’m going in the changing room,” said Hailey, holding the dress in one hand.

“Yeah, we’ll let you know how it looks,” Peyton said. “Have fun in there.”

“I will,” Hailey giggled as she closed the door.

I waited for Hailey, but it was taking a while, so I took out my phone. I saw a notification and raised my eyebrows. I didn’t get those too often. I checked to see what the notification was and saw that it was a message from Shane.

@shane.games08: I thought we were going to walk home together

@shane.games08: R u there?

@shane.games08: Nvm

Oh shit, I had completely forgotten about Shane. I suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over me, I felt awful for leaving him behind during lunch and now not following up on my promise. I waited until Hailey came out in her new dress.

“How do I look?” she asked, spinning around. She did look beautiful, the dress making her look like a prom queen. I couldn’t focus on it though, I was thinking of Shane.

“You look great, but I really have to go,” I said, trying to think of an excuse to leave. I decided to blame things on my parents. “My mom just texted me telling me to get home right away, I think she’s mad or something.”

“Oh crap,” Hailey gasped. “Hopefully you’re not in too much trouble, get home quickly so she doesn’t get any angrier.”

“Yeah, Amanda,” Peyton said. “Go home, call us if you need any support.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling bad at how they reacted to my lie. Nonetheless, I quickly booked it out of the mall and started running all the way to Shane’s house. I was exhausted and my heart was pounding but I pushed on. It was quite the distance from the mall to his house, so I was struggling by the end. I finally made it to his door though, and rang the doorbell.

“Amanda?” Claire asked, opening the door for me after a few seconds. “Why are you here?”

“Shane, I need to see Shane,” I said, breathlessly.

“Oh, sure, he’s just upstairs, he seemed a little upset earlier,” Claire said, tapping her foot on the ground. “He just went straight up to his room without talking to me.”

“Ugh, okay,” I replied, taking a deep breath before using the last of my energy to go up the stairs. I didn’t realize he would be this upset by me forgetting to walk home with him. I felt terrible. I opened his room’s door and saw him at his desk. “Shane!”

He looked over at me and blinked, taking a second to process that I was here right in front of him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, confused. “I thought you were with the cheerleaders.”

I took some deep breaths and stood up straight before speaking again.

“How’d you know that?” I asked.

“Well, I asked around after you didn’t show up to go home after school,” he said, shrugging. “People said you went to the mall with the cheerleaders, so I left you alone since I assumed you were having fun.”

“No, I only went because I completely forgot we agreed to walk home together,” I said apologetically. “I’m so sorry.”

“I-I thought you became too cool for me,” Shane said, forcing a chuckle. “After you left me at lunch, I really started to think about things. I realized I’ve been a loser, weird, I don’t know, just cringe in general.”

“You’re not a loser,” I said, reaching out to him.

“No, I know I am,” he said. “I seriously need to improve myself. To make myself worthy of someone loving me.”

“Everyone deserves love,” I said, something I genuinely believed.

“Not me, not with the way I’ve been acting,” Shane said, burying his face in his hands. “I’m so ashamed.”

“You’re acting like you’re some terrible person,” I said, frowning. I thought Shane was being a little too dramatic about this. Sure he wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t horrible either.

“I mean, I’m not a terrible person, but I’ve been acting pretty weird these past few years. Especially to Hailey. I feel really bad. I feel like I’ll always be alone if I keep acting like this. I don’t want that.”

“You know that I’ll always be with you, right?” I said. “You won’t always be alone.”

I reached out to him again. This time, he grabbed my hand and stood up, pulling me into a tight hug.

“Thank you, Amanda,” he said, pulling back and smiling at me. “Thanks for being by my side.”

“Of course,” I replied, blushing at the fact that I just got hugged suddenly.

“I just thought I lost you earlier and was scared,” he said, his voice cracking. “I’m glad you’re not leaving me.”

“I would never,” I replied, pulling him back into a hug. Despite everything, this dumbass was my best friend.

amaty

Okay, so there's an issue starting from this chapter. I basically ran out of bingo squares, which is an issue because I'm struggling to make the series trashy on my own without its guidance.

So, this chapter was originally released on my Discord server around the middle of January, but I added about a thousand words to it today to try and make it a little trashier and better. If you notice a drop in trashiness starting from this chapter, then it's because I ran out of bingo squares and am now on my own. I don't want to completely rewrite the next few chapters, so I'm just going to do my best to inject some more trashiness here and there.

I'm going to make a lot of edits to chapters seven through ten since I noticed a drop in quality in those four chapters compared to the previous six. Hopefully, that means you all enjoy this chapter since I did my best to improve it from its original release! I sincerely apologize if this chapter is not up to the quality of the previous ones. Thank you all for reading!