Faith

12 Months earlier

I stood with my hands jammed into my pocket, Olivia putting her hand on my shoulder and Zeke glaring at Calloway across the stage. I made eye contact with Calloway briefly while he mugged for the camera, Marty keeping him busy as he talked about how he’d ‘annihilated us.’

“-But yeah, that’s why I’m gonna win the championship this year,” Calloway said with a smug grin plastered to his stupid face. 

“You are definitely becoming a favored underdog, but so are your opponents,” Marty pointed out. “Aren’t you worried about Team Dai Gurren coming back with a vengeance?”

“No, I think one-shotting them tonight was a good indicator of the quality-gap between us,” Calloway said. 

I grinded my teeth together as the microphone was brought over to us. Olivia, bless her, took point for the interview.  “So, what happened tonight?” Marty asked. 

“Calloway definitely took us by surprise- we had no idea Polyphemus was that fast, or that it could hit that hard,” Olivia said diplomatically.

“And what about your own performance?”

“I mean it wasn’t much of a performance, was it?” Olivia said with an awkward laugh. “We didn’t get out the gate fast enough, and Calloway got a lucky shot in-”

“Cheap shot,” I said under my breath. Calloway had sprinted right for us the instant the fight started, faster than any of us were prepared for. Olivia started to swerve out of the way, but that just meant Polyphemus’ ax caught us on our right wheel axis and severed the tires clean off. Along with our break wires. We wound up careening directly into the screws, not able to stop while we got caught under it and then got counted out. 

“A lucky shot,” Olivia insisted. 

I spaced out the rest of the interview, stewing in frustration as my ill-fitting clothes swung around the body I hated. The team and I hauled our amputee victim of a bot back into the pits, where, surprise surprise, we found Calloway humming and working on his machine. 

“Hi,” he chirped. “Great fight, guys!”

“You already won, there’s no need to be passive-aggressive,” I snarled. 

“I’m not being passive-aggressive, I just had a good time,” Calloway said, furrowing his brow. He stepped forward, away from his work station and towards ours. 

Olivia stood behind me, already zoning into work. I wanted to as well, but I couldn’t get my mind off of this Calloway being a raging tool one minute and a happy little himbo the next. 

Zeke put himself between Calloway and I, grabbed Calloway by the shoulders and stared directly at him. “Dude. You’re giving off real mixed signals. Dial it back. And give us all some space. Please.”

Calloway… Blinked. Then he looked away, down at his shoes. I cocked (heh. Cock) my head in confusion while I watched the scene play out. 

“Okay,” Calloway said in a soft, quiet voice. 

“Good,” Zeke said, letting go of his shoulders and turning around. 

I watched Calloway stand there another moment. He seemed to refuse to make eye contact with me, and finally, after a moment, he turned around and went to work on his machine. 

Finally, I did the same.  

Always last to act. 

***

Now

I slid back against the surface of the wall and sobbed. I’d read the signs, because they were loud and clear even to me, so I made myself leave. I hiked around to the back parking lot and just… Just… 

I didn’t even make it back to my car before I started crying. 

He liked her. And she clearly liked him. Why the hell wouldn’t she? I certainly couldn’t blame her. The only one I could blame was myself for waiting too long. 

I thought back to the night Calloway… Kate gave us our first defeat. I still got mad about that fight sometimes, still got annoyed at myself for losing to cheap shot like that, still got annoyed at Olivia for not moving fast enough. But that wasn’t the point; the point was that… When Zeke had put himself between me and Kate, when my own girlfriend wouldn’t do the same… That was the moment I started becoming attracted to him. And looking back on it… It was probably the same for Kate.

I always waited too long. I could have come out in high school or college, transitioned younger. I could have been competing in robotics younger too. 

I could have told Zeke how I felt about him any time in the past year.

So why the hell hadn’t I? Because I wanted him to do everything for me? 

I buried my face in my hands and wept, feeling my makeup running off my visage while the warm night air of late June grew colder around me. 

“You okay?” 

I yanked my hands away from my face and looked up, where, to my horror, Olivia stood. “Do I look okay?” I said bitterly. 

“No, you look like you’re in an absolute state,” Olivia said. 

“Still not one to mince words, I see,” I said. 

“It’s part of my charm,” Olivia said. 

“Yeah. Sure it is.”

“Ouch,” Olivia winced. 

“... Sorry, I just…”

“May I sit?”

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead,” I said. 

She sat next to me on the grass pressing against the outer wall of the building. “So, are you just broken up about losing tonight, or is this about me-”

“No, to both,” I said. 

“Is it Zeke?” Olivia asked. 

“...”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Olivia said. 

“What does?” I asked, dreading the answer. 

“You like him,” Olivia said. 

“... Am I that obvious?” I said, my chest deflating. 

“No, actually you’re not,” Olivia said. “It was just something I picked up on from the way you two have been interacting this year. Plus, you gush about him on instagram sometimes, posting pictures of the two of you together… I kinda just figured you were already dating, to be honest.”

“We’re… Definitely not,” I said. “There’s… There’s someone else. A girl named Kate. And Zeke has been spending all his time with her lately. They’re spending time together right now, actually. Getting real close and cuddled up. I made a retreat because I… Didn’t wanna be a third wheel.”

“That’s… Honestly shocking to hear,” Olivia said. 

“What, that I actually had the social intuition to make myself scarce?”

“No. Well, yes. But also, that he’s interested in someone else.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“No, I’m not. Zeke followed you around like a lovesick puppy even when he thought you were a boy. You asked him to join our team and he said yes without even having to think about it. He was instantly supportive when you came out- which is certainly more than I can say. Plus… He’s incredibly protective of you, dresses up and dances with you when you two win fights… That’s all a lot for someone who just sees you as a friend.”

I blinked rapidly, a million interactions taking on a new context as the final proverbial horse crossed the finish line. “Dammit.”

“The question, though, is- does he know you like him?”

“I… I mean I’ve never told him directly-”

“Then he doesn’t know.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t know- if it’s so obvious-”

“Because- and I feel like you already know this, but I’ll just give you a reminder- most guys who were, ya know, raised by parents, constantly get the message drilled into them that just because a girl hangs out with them doesn’t mean she’s into them romantically. And Zeke’s parents, if you recall… Well they tend to assume the worst. Always.”

“God, they really do,” I said, clenching my jaw and speaking through my teeth. 

“So, if you haven’t told him, and he hasn’t done anything that would indicate he knows… He probably just assumes you only see him as a friend. I mean, hell- does he even know you’re into guys?”

“...”

“Have you ever been watching a movie or a show together and been like ‘wow that guy is super hot?’ Just to, like, get the information out there that you’re into fellas?” Olivia asked. 

I said, “No, because he has low self-esteem and I don’t want him to feel insecure and oh goddammit he has literally no idea. The possibility that I like him back has probably never even occurred to him.”

“And this Kate girl, I’m guessing she’s a bit more on the direct side?”

“I think so, yeah,” I said, bunching my legs together and squeezing them against my chest. “She was the one who asked him out earlier this week, and she’s the one who started cuddling up to him a few minutes ago… Dammit. I just… I kept waiting for him to make the first move because it sounded so… Nice! Being the one who gets courted for once-”

“‘Courted’ wow, you really are old fashioned, aren’t you?”

“Apparently, yeah,” I said. “It just seemed… Affirming.”

“Fair enough. But you gotta admit, with Zeke specifically… That probably wasn’t the best course of action.”

I nodded. “What should I do?”

“Are you seriously asking me of all people for advice about your boy problems?” 

“... I see your point.”

“That being said, I do wanna make things up to you, given how awful I was,” Olivia said, cracking her knuckles. “Way I see it, you got two options: option one- tell Zeke how you feel, and put the ball in his court. He and this Kate girl have only started getting close to each other in the past week, that means it’s all still new enough that there’s no guarantee it will last. If you’re lucky, he sees the whole situation as a case of the girl he’s actually loved the whole time finally telling him you can be together, and he breaks it off with the girl who’s, yeah sure, new and exciting and forward, but whom he doesn’t have as strong a connection to.”

“And if I’m not lucky?” I asked. 

“Oh, he decides that you waited too long to tell him, that it’s not cool to wait until he’s found someone else to spring this on him. It’ll probably make things horrifically awkward between you two, which is, uh, not great in the middle of tournament season.”

I sighed and looked up, trying to peer through the smog and light pollution blocking out the stars. “What’s option two?”

“Do nothing,” Olivia said, standing up and facing me. “Say nothing. Keep all of this to yourself. Swallow your feelings till they go away on their own. It’ll take a while, and it will hurt, but… If you really care about him, you’ll want him to be happy on his own terms. Even if it’s with someone who’s not you. Be honest with me- are you okay with that?”

“... I wanna say yes. I really wanna say yes,” I said, my guilt and shame a dumpster fire burning inside my chest and releasing noxious fumes.  

“You need to do better than that,” Olivia said. “If you’re not sure, then you’re gonna drive yourself crazy by not telling him. Especially if she’s not a good fit for him. Do you think she is?”

“I… Also wanna say yes to that, but to be honest, me and this girl don’t have a great history. We’ve been patching things up lately but… Not a great precedent.”

“That certainly complicates things,” Olivia said. She offered me a hand up, and I took it. “But you’re smart. You’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks,” I said. “For everything.”

“Just doing what needs to be done,” Olivia said with a smile. “I should probably get back to my team, finish up repairs for the night. You take care of yourself- and let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on about all this!” 

“Will do!”

And with that, I watched her walk away from me again, but this time… I was okay with how we left things. 

I sat there a few more minutes, then wiped off my messy makeup and looped back around to the Calloway clan and the man I pined for. Kate had changed clothes- I assumed her mom had brought a dress for her and that was what she’d gone to get. She and Zeke were standing next to each other with very little spacing separating them, but at least they weren’t cuddling anymore. 

Kate leaped towards me and said, “Faith!”

“Hey,” I said, “You’re in a better mood.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, radiating a palpable warmth and giddiness, her eyes shimmering in the light of the streetlamp above. “Can I hug you?”

“Uh… Sure?” I said, wishing to God I’d said no. 

She wrapped her arms around me and giggled. “I’m trans, Faith. I’m trans!”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that,” I said. She wasn’t letting go of me, but her hug was… Not unpleasant. Her happiness was almost infectious. “Good for you.”

“Thanks. And, uh, I was wondering if you could help me with something?”

“... Depends on what it is.” Please don’t say ‘advice about Zeke’, I am begging you to say literally anything else-

“Can you help me with my voice?”

“Oh, uh… Sure. Yeah, I can do that.”

“Eeeee! Thank you thank you thank you so so so much!” she said, exuberance pouring through her and into me. She pulled away from the hug and looked me in the eyes, smiling wider than I’d ever thought possible, a smile that wasn’t a sneer or a smug grin or one that was in any way, shape, or form punchable. She was just… Happy, and pure. She was… Adorable, honestly. 

Her face was very close to mine- I don’t think she even realized it, given how bad she’d always been about personal space. But I had to admit it, she was cute, and the look Zeke was giving her told me he was thinking the same thing. 

Dammit.