Kate

“So, you’re going by Kate now, and say that you’re trans?” Dr. Chopra, my general practitioner, said. She was a stout middle-aged with a happy face and black hair threaded with gray and worn in a long braid. I’d called to make an appointment as soon as I’d gotten home from the fight on Friday, and miraculously, an opening was there for Monday morning. 

“Yes, ma’am, that’s right,” I said, nodding happily. I wore a short-sleeved light blue blouse and a knee-length red skirt and a face full of makeup, my strappy-sandal clad feet dangling on the side of the patient platform. 

“Would you like me to refer you to an endocrinologist, then? We have one here at the clinic who specializes in gender affirming care. Should be covered by your insurance.”

“Yes please!”

“Sounds good! Let’s get your bloodwork done today, make sure everything is on the up and up, and the endocrinologist should be able to prescribe you Estradiol and Spironolactone so long as everything comes back okay. You should also give some thought to freezing some sperm, if you want to have biological kids someday.”

“Hm, alright then,” I said. “Makes sense.”

“Anything else I can do for you today?”

“No, that’s everything. Thank you so much!” 

With the easy appointment done, it was time to move onto the hard one: the meeting with my sponsor. 

 Mr. Gaines did a double-take when I walked into his office an hour later. “What’s, uh, what’s going on here, Calloway?”

“I’m trans,” I said simply. 

“Hm.”

“Hm?”

“Hm. You’re trans. So you didn’t lose a bet?”

“... No,” I said, an ugly, icy feeling coating my esophagus. 

“This isn’t a bit?”

“No,” I said, redirecting my eyes to the floor as I sat down on the uncomfortable plastic chair. 

“You’re trans?”

“I’m trans,” I said, trying to swallow the guilt and shame that was saturating my being. 

“Hm.”

“What… What does that mean? In this context, what does ‘hm’ mean?”

“Well, to be blunt, it means I’m ambivalent about all this.”

“Oh?” I said, my voice dropping into a lower octave. I had to stop myself from clamping my hand over my mouth. 

“On the one hand, supporting you will be seen as supporting trans rights, which may alienate some of my clientele,” Gaines said flatly. 

“Oh.”

“On the other hand,” Gaines continued, “It could open up new markets for me with more socially progressive types. Given I’m hoping to expand into NorCal, that might not be a bad thing.”

“Oh,” I said. Where was he going with this…?

“Hm, well, I suppose the only way out is through,” Gaines said.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I’ll need your help to sell this.”

“What is ‘this?’”

He gestured at all of me and said, “This. This whole… Gimmick.”

“It’s not a gimmick, it’s my identity,” I said, eyes narrowing.

“Right, yeah,” Gaines said. “How would you feel about becoming our spokesperson, maybe doing a photoshoot for our social media page?”

“Uh… I…,” did not like where this was going.

“I would also need you to write up a mission statement for all this that I can use to promote you as my client, make it clear that I stand with you, that my gym/garage doesn’t tolerate discrimination on the basis of sex, yada yada yada, all that touchy-feely woke bullshit. The hippies in this town will eat it up.”

I blinked. “What?”

“Just something to think about,” he said. “Look, I’m taking a risk by holding onto you as a client. I need you to work with me.”

“That… That makes sense,” I said, ignoring the weird feeling of being treated like an object. Was this gonna be a thing from now on? 

“I’m gonna put you in touch with my social media guru, Nadine; she’ll help you with this whole… Image adjustment you’re going through.”

“You know you can just say ‘transition’, right?” I said, groaning internally as it slipped out. 

“Yeah, but that’s personal- right now we’re talking business, kid,” Gaines said. 

“Right,” I said in monotone. 

The meeting wrapped up, and I left the place with an uncomfortable feeling of being used sitting in my gut like a rock. He wasn’t wrong per se, I did have my career to consider, and as a businessman, he had a right to view things that way. And he was my sponsor, not my friend- it made sense for him to think about what our professional relationship would be going forward. 

Still. He didn’t have to be so damn blunt about it. 

I hopped in my truck and drove myself home for my final appointment of the day. When I pulled into the driveway, Faith was already there leaning against her SUV, an old antique of a car painted red and blue with white stars on the doors. It had a bumper sticker on it labeled ‘Star Rocket Racer.’ She leaned against the hood, wearing a plaid miniskirt, wedge-heeled black boots, and a v-neck light blue t-shirt with the comic book character Stargirl on it. Her long black hair was worn loosely about her shoulders, her makeup immaculate, silver hoop earrings dangling from her ears. A necklace dangled above her cleavage, which… Oh wow, cleavage. 

It was, uh… 

I’d been so busy fawning over Zeke lately I’d barely noticed how pretty Faith had gotten. And she’d gotten really freaking pretty- the kind of pretty I wished (probably in vain) that I might be after a year on HRT. 

“Hey, girl,” she said. It made my heart sing, just hearing that. She was a girl and I was a girl- we were both trans girls and that was lovely. It was like she was telling me personally ‘you’re valid and you’re trans and you’re not a pervert with a fetish.’ Honestly, after that business meeting, I needed it. 

“Hey,” I smiled, going in for the hug. She stiffened briefly, but then patted my back and returned the hug. 

“How’d the appointment go?” she asked as I led her into the back door and up the stairs to my family’s apartment.  

“It was good! I’ll hopefully be able to start on E and Spiro by the end of the week!”

“Fantastic!”

“Did it go this fast for you?”

“Eh, sorta? My parents are in the Army… Kinda, anyway. So I had to go through the government. The waitlist was a couple months but once I actually got in for the appointment they gave me the pills that day.”

“Hm, interesting. I didn’t know that about you,” I said as we walked into the kitchen, a small alcove in the apartment, wooden floors and a round wooden table punctuating the end of the cramped space where the stove and the refrigerator were all bunched together. The fridge was a mass of family photos, or at least it used to be- Mom had taken down the ones with the old me in them after Friday night, and then attached a picture of me en femme with a clip-magnet. ‘The first of many’ as she’d put it. Right now it was just Mom and Dad’s wedding photos and a few baby pictures of me group around the thus-far only physical snapshot of Kate, but given how many selfies I’d taken in the past week, that was sure to change rapidly. “Are you an Army brat then?”

“Like I said, kinda,” Faith answered. “They’re in the Engineering Corps- my dad is enlisted but my mom is technically a civilian contractor- so we moved around a lot when I was growing up. But when I was in high school they both got steady positions teaching at Westpoint, so I wound up mostly just living there. I didn’t come to LA until college- my parents seemed kinda upset I didn’t wanna go to Westpoint, but they were still glad I wanted to be an engineer.”

“I see, I see,” I said, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a pitcher of ice water and putting it on the table. I retrieved two cylindrical glasses from the cupboard and set them down too, then poured us each a tall glass of water. “Clink,” I said, tapping my glass against hers. 

She chuckled, then clinked me back and took a long sip. “So you and your folks live and work here? Like in Bob’s Burgers?”

“Lol, I guess,” I said, tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ears. “My folks started this shop together using the money they got from their wedding. I came around a year later, so this is just all I’ve ever known.”

“Huh, interesting. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other, huh?”

I shrugged, then sipped my water. 

“Anyway,” Faith said, “You ready?”

I smiled, then nodded eagerly. 

Faith said, “Okay, so the key is to talk using the top of your throat. Start by saying something, draw out the syllables, and concentrate on making it so you’re speaking from your mouth instead of your chest. Don’t try to just pitch up, but focus on where the intonation is coming from. Try to hold it in your mouth and then release the words. If it helps, try speaking as you breathe out. Start slow, get the basics down, then work on speaking at a rate that’s more natural to you.”

I nodded, then drew in a deep breath and hummed a low note. I let it work its way up into my throat, and tried to make it come from my mouth instead of my chest. 

“Good,” Faith said, sitting down in her chair. “Now try saying ‘who are you?’ Remember to go slowly.”

“Whoooo… Are… Youuuu?” I said, the words coming out breathy and a bit higher than they had before. I smiled, my eyes going wide as I shimmied in my seat. 

Faith chuckled again. “Not bad. So. Who are you?”

“I’m… Katherine… Miranda… Calloway,” I said, liking the way it sounded. “Kate for short.” My words dipped lower again at the last sentence, and I realized I said it too quickly after inhaling, not letting it flow out with my breath like last time. My face scrunched up, and my hands bunched together.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Faith said, putting a hand on my elbow, her palm soft and her fingers delicate and beautifully manicured. “Just keep going, it’s okay.”

I nodded, feeling warmer at her touch, uncurling my fingers and opening my eyes. “Kate for shooorrttt,” I said, drawing out the final word so I could appreciate how it sounded. 

“Not Katie?” Faith asked.

“I… Like… Being called Katie… By people who I love, and who love me. Like my… Parents,” I said, slowly and carefully speaking as I exhaled and then giving myself time to draw in a new breath. 

“I’ve noticed Zeke call you that too,” Faith said, withdrawing her hand from my arm and breaking off eye contact. “Does that mean you love him?”

I felt myself blush as a mental image of Zeke bridal-carrying me while I wore a white gown echoed through my mind. A dreamy sigh escaped my lips, and I smiled, but I shook my head. Best not to get ahead of myself. “I… Wouldn’t… Go that far.”

“But you do like him, right?” Faith asked. 

“I… I do,” I said, my voice going extra high as I said it, the proverbial butterflies in my stomach flapping their wings once again.  

“I’m guessing that was what you two were talking about the other night,” Faith said, looking at the floor. “Good for you guys, though. Seriously.”

“What do… You mean?”

“... You’re dating now, right?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” I said hurriedly, waving my hands about, my voice dropping lower again. Faith looked at me again, and gestured for me to keep going. I drew in a deep breath, let it sit in my chest a moment, and focused on keeping my words at the top of my throat. “I… We just cuddled in the back of my truck. I told him I’m starting to crush on him. That’s it.”

“And what did he say?” Faith said, leaning forward expectantly. 

“He said… He’s starting to catch feelings too,” I replied. “That’s it. Nothing else has… Has come of it yet. We’re still talking a lot and texting a lot, but yeah.”

“That’s it?” Faith said. “Hold up, hold up, hold up- a handsome, intelligent, charming, thoughtful, gentlemanly guy who likes basically all the same nerdy shit as you told you that he’s crushing on you, and you haven’t locked it down yet?”

I squinted. That was a lot of adjectives she’d used just now. A questionable amount of adjectives for someone to use when describing a platonic friend. “I mean… I wanted to kiss him, but he said it wouldn’t be appropriate because I’d just been having a panic attack.”

“God, that’s just like him,” Faith said, rolling her eyes. “He’s just so freaking… Upstanding and polite about everything.”

“He really is,” I said, smiling. “He’s always thinking about what will make me comfortable and happy- it’s like he never spares a thought for himself.”

“Accommodating to a fault, that’s definitely him,” she said. 

“Has he always been like that?”

“Always,” Faith nodded. “He’s always been a gentleman.”

“Has he always been a foxy nerd?”

“Oh, absolutely. Though, uh, that’s definitely been amplified of late. He’s  started working out more in the past year- he’s got these sweet abs now, and a really cute butt-”

“Oh, I’ve noticed his butt. And his smile. And the-”

“The gun show?” Faith giggled. “He’s got those big, broad, hunky shoulders now. Makes for a great viewing experience, lemme tell you.”

I tilted my head to the side. I’d already figured out that Zeke was into Faith- it was honestly part of my reluctance to treat what he and I had as anything serious- I didn’t wanna feel like a replacement for the girl he couldn’t have. But that had been me assuming that Faith was a lesbian. If she wasn’t… Then why the hell weren’t they together? What was stopping it? Me? 

On the other hand, if I was what was stopping it, did that mean that Zeke didn’t see me as the second-choice? That he actually liked me… For me?

I had to know. What did Zeke actually look for in a partner? And if it was just ‘Faith, or someone like Faith’, and she liked him back, then why was he even bothering with me? And hell, if she liked him back, why was she tolerating any of this in the first place?

“Hey, uh,” I started, “Historically, what kinda girls has Zeke gone for?”

“Oh, uh, back during college it was just any girl who gave him the time of day,” Faith said. “Led to him getting stood up a lot, honestly. And getting into some toxic relationships. He’s into all types of girls- tomboys, girly girls, tall girls, short girls, whatever you can imagine. Nothing ever worked out, though… It was kinda hard to watch, you know? This sweet, intelligent, talented, witty guy-”

“With a hot body,” I said. 

“With a very hot body,” Faith purred in agreement. Then she paused, her eyes bulging wider than dinner plates. “Uh… Objectively speaking, as a friend of his. I can say that.”

“Uh-huh,” I said, letting my voice go flat and masculine again for maximum effect. This certainly… Complicated things. “Sure, sure, sure.”

“I… Um…”

I stared at her while taking a long sip of my water. 

“It’s not what you think,” Faith said. 

“I didn’t say anything,” I said with a wry grin and half-opened eyes. 

Faith drew in a deep breath through her nose. “So anyway, back to your lessons-”

I grabbed her hand. I heard her gulp. “You like him.”

Faith opened her mouth. All that came out was a high-pitched squeak. 

“Ohhh, wowwww,” I said, turning it into a vocal exercise. “You REALLY like him.”

“I-I-I-”

“I mean… It makes sense. He’s hot, nerdy, polite, funny-”

“He’s a great engineer, too,” Faith finally added. 

“Indeed,” I said. “Does he know?”

“No,” Faith answered, drinking a large gulp of water. 

“I see,” I said. A sinking feeling went through me. “Well, I should probably back off then.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you two clearly like each other, and I’m just a janie-come-lately,” I said, offering a sad smile. 

“No, no, he… I mean-”

“I’ve seen how he looks at you,” I said. “I’m just the silver medal in this competition.” Same as always. 

“And I’ve seen the way he looks at you,” Faith said. “Trust me, you’re nobody’s second prize. He’s into you. He’s a romantic type- he’s probably gotten really swept up in the whole thing, just like you have. And I… Waited too long. I had a million opportunities to tell him how I felt, and I just didn’t capitalize on any of them because my stupid pride wanted to be on the receiving end of the courtship.”

“What are you saying?” I asked, putting my hands on her shoulders.

She gulped, then blushed. It made her look even cuter, which I didn’t think was possible. “You’re… So close right now.”

“Oh, sorry,” I said, pulling back. 

“It’s, uh, it’s fine,” she said, tossing her hair back. 

“So… Where does this leave us?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious,” Faith said. “I’m gonna back off. Zeke and I shouldn’t be compromising our professional relationship with romantic feelings anyway. And besides, you went for it, and he likes you back. I won’t get in the way.”

My head was spinning. This was almost too perfect- she was literally giving me everything I wanted out of a conversation I hadn’t even been planning to have. But at the same time… Faith’s slumped shoulders and downtrodden glance and practiced air of contentment told a story, and it was hard not to feel sad about that. “But that’s not fair to you,” I said. 

She sighed again. “Kate… We’re already rivals at the tournament. Do you really wanna be romantic rivals, too? Because that feels like it could get ugly real fast.”

“I…,” I trailed off. What did I want? Well, I wanted to date Zeke, or at least go on a date with him and see where it led us. But I also didn’t want to do anything to hurt Faith; she’d been through enough already, and I’d been responsible for some of that. She was accustomed to me being a jerk, and what could be a bigger jerk move then stealing the boy she liked? “I mean, I’d be dating the competition if Zeke and I went out.”

“Yeah. So?” Faith asked. “We aren’t Olympic athletes or anything- the stakes aren’t actually that high. If anything, there’s a greater risk of us getting toxic again if we’re competing over Zeke while competing in the tournament, and I… I like not hating you.”

A swell of emotion, equal parts happy and sad, pulsed through me. “I like not hating you too.”

She smiled again. “Good. So like I said- I’m gonna let whatever happens with you and Zeke happen without my interfering with it. It’s gonna hurt to watch, I’ll be totally honest with you, but… I want to be the bigger woman here. Genuinely, I do. And I want him to be happy. If you make him happy, then that’s… That’s good enough for me.”

I didn’t entirely believe her, but… I found myself nodding along. She was amazing, willing to just… Accept a situation like this while still wanting to be around me, still wanting to help me. Warm affection flowed through me with each beat of my fragile heart as I looked deep into her kind brown eyes. “Thank you. Seriously, thank you. That’s very mature of you, and I really appreciate it a lot.”

 “Of course,” Faith said. “Anything for a friend.”

“Friends?” I said, leaning forward and smiling with my teeth.

“Friends,” she smiled back. 

“Friends!” I said, fist-pumping. Then I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her, shimmying more as I hugged her. 

She gave a tired laugh as she hugged me back. 

“Hey there, girls,” my dad said as he wandered up the stairs and pulled half a pastrami sandwich on a plate out of the fridge. “Whatcha up to?”

“Oh, you know, girl talk,” I said happily. “Boys, robots, that kinda thing.”

“Glad to hear it,” Dad said. “Katie, your mom and I are going out tonight with some friends of ours from college, so I trust you can take care of your own dinner?”

“Not a problem!” I said. 

“If you wanna have Zeke over, that’s fine, just no drinking any of my beer- this house believes in bringing your own booze.”

I laughed. “Sure thing, Dad.”

“Good. Glad we could have this talk. You look lovely, by the way,” he said, giving me an affectionate pat on the head. 

“Hmmm,” I intoned jovially. 

Dad stepped out with his sandwich in hand. 

That was when my phone went off, the gleeful twang of Kacey Musgraves emanating from the speakers. “Speak of the devil,” I said as I saw Zeke’s name on the caller ID. I answered the phone and said, “Hey, you.”

“Hey, Katie,” he said. I loved it when he called me that. “You busy tonight?”

“No, no plans at the moment,” I said. Faith watched with fascination, and mouthed, ‘go for it.’ “Why? Are you asking me on a date, Mr. Underhill?”

“That is, in fact, exactly what I’m doing, Ms. Calloway,” he said. 

The butterflies flapping their wings in my stomach conjured a tornado. “Oh?”

“Dinner sound good?”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds amazing,” I said, hoping my smile conveyed through the phone, working extra hard to talk in a feminine register. 

Faith gave me the thumbs-up. 

“7 PM good?” he asked. 

“Perfect.”

“Awesome! Would you mind picking me up? Faith has the car today and she never remembers to fill the tank back up on her way home.”

“Heh, yeah, I can do that. I’ll see you at seven.”

“Looking forward to it. See you then, pretty lady.”

I hung up, and I giggled and bounced up and down in my chair. “Eeeeeee!!!!”

Faith stood up and sighed wistfully. “Good for you, Katie.”

“Hey, watch it with the ‘Katie’ or I’ll think you’re in love with me as well,” I poked her cheek.  

“Pfft, don’t flatter yourself, you’ll get a swell head,” she said, pushing my finger away. “Come on, let’s pick an outfit for your date.”

 “Faith… You don’t have to do that. I appreciate you being chill about all this, but-”

“I want to,” Faith said. “Like I said, I want him to be happy, and that means you need to look as hot as humanly possible for tonight. And besides, I’d prefer you stay like this then go back to being all grumpy and hammy- you’re much cuter this way.”

She extended me a hand up, and I took it, rising and looking this wonderful, mature, helpful, pretty girl in her big brown eyes as she led me into my room to help me coordinate an outfit from the handful of dresses my mom had gifted me, wondering if she noticed I was blushing because of her initiating the physical contact for the first time in our brief friendship. 

All of this was a lot, everything that had happened today was a lot, and it still wasn’t over, but… I was okay with that. I could navigate the rest of the day happily knowing I had people in my corner.